erupted in the hall. Many people decided that fleeing in terror was probably
their best option, while others that had dozed off during the extravagant ceremony
could not decide whether or not they should remain in their seats.
on!" Scary yelled to Sporty. "We've got to fight this thing with Girl
Power!" They leaped from their seats to deliver various punches and high
kicks to the opposition.
at the front of the now-destroyed aisle, Posh was stunned. "What
smiled. "Well, it was quite easy actually. Your husband-to-be fell for
the old Dogs-Having-Sex trick, ran out into the street, and was subsequently
hit by a truck, along with his teammates. We took the liberty of making a bunch
of disguises, and came here to stop this disgusting display of money and greed.
It was all Geri's idea, really. She got her buddy George to wire up some fireworks
under the carpet in the middle of the aisle so that your bouncers wouldn't be
a problem." He smiled. "Oh, by the way, we're technically married
Posh screamed, throwing her bouquet at Oliver and running down the aisle towards
the front door.
somewhere, bitch?" a familiar voice asked.
turned to see Geri staring at her, her teeth clenched, and her eyes feral. "No
it can't be!" she yelled. "You're dead! I saw you die!"
Geri said, then charged at Posh.
the other end of the hall, Scary was engaged in combat with the girl she had
thrown out only moments ago.
"You should have stayed outside, girl," Scary said. She reached into
her purse and pulled out her custom-made metallic cocaine straw.
it on!" Ruth yelled.
been waiting to stab someone with this baby ever since that Gulzar fucker screwed
with me," Scary informed her.
lunged forward with the straw, narrowly missing Ruth, who had sidestepped to
avoid being impaled by the drug device. She brought down her hand hard on Scary's
wrist, causing her to drop her precious straw. Ruth dropped, picked it up, and
pointed it at Scary. "Now who's screwing with whom?" she asked, smiling.
Sporty was ducking shots from a baseball bat wielded by a blonde musician she
had hit on at the wrong time. "Look," she yelled, narrowly missing
the bat, "I just wanted to test out a pick-up line with my new look!"
new look makes Madonna look wholesome!" Fiona yelled back, and she landed
a shot across Sporty's face, then another to her gut, sending her flying backwards.
behind her, Scary was calling Ruth a chicken. "You can't kill me!"
she said. "You don't have the guts!" At that very moment, Scary lurched
forward, hit in the back and moved by Sporty's momentum. She fell forward, impaling
herself on her own straw, still held by Ruth. Sporty lost her balance and also
fell, landing directly on top of Scary, sending the piece of the straw sticking
through Scary's back into Sporty, impaling her as well.
coughed up blood, then smiled. "You know, Mel, this is how I always dreamed
of going. Lying on top of you, feeling my heart beat against yours. Isn't it
great?" She coughed again. "We're dying together. We must be soulmates."
She wheezed once more, and was gone.
hacked up a wad of blood herself. "Friggin'
managed to say before breathing her last.
and Posh, near the front of the hall, were tearing into each other fiercely.
Geri left bite marks over various places on Posh's face and neck, while Posh's
sharp nails dug deeply into Geri's skin. Both girls were screaming various profanities
at the top of their lungs, and tumbling over each other on the floor, tearing
each other's clothes in the process. From where Oliver was standing, it looked
like Geri was winning. Hmm, he thought to himself, now I think I see why Sporty
enjoyed watching these so much. If only he had some popcorn
for his part, had simply stood around, watching the carnage. Many guests were
attempting to fight back, and it almost looked like the wedding crashers were
winning, until something unexpected happened.
a voice called from the castle doors. "Nobody move!" From outside,
a group of men wearing army fatigues and helmets and carrying various firearms
came strolling in.
crap," Cloud muttered to himself. "Who the hell are you?" he
asked the lead man.
man with a handgun stepped forward. "Sergeant Jeremy, NATO forces!"
Put down your weapons and surrender now, you Commie bastards!"
whoa, whoa," Cloud said, holding his hands up in a non-aggressive manner.
"NATO? Communists? What the hell are you talking about?"
sergeant looked a little startled. "You're
you're Cubans, right?
That's what our intelligence told us."
sighed. "No, we're not Cubans. Do we SOUND like Cubans?"
mean Castro isn't packing missiles here?" He lowered his gun.
Castro's not packing missiles here! This is the United Kingdom! What the hell
would Castro be doing with missiles here?" No response. "Don't you
people have an embassy to blow up or something?"
sergeant looked extremely agitated. "Fuck!" he yelled, throwing his
helmet on the ground. "We came all this way for nothing!"
had an idea. "Well, it's not a totally lost cause. How would you like to
help stop another evil group from taking over the world?"
eyes perked. "What? Who?"
Spice Girls? You've got to be kidding me."
I'm serious." He pointed to Baby, who was still sitting in her seat, drooling
and staring directly ahead, completely oblivious to any of the commotion and
carnage. "Go ahead, shoot her a few times. I guarantee you'll enjoy it."
sergeant stared at him for a moment, then fired into Baby's back a few times,
sending her to the floor in a heap.
That was fun!" he said.
you," Cloud said. "Give us a hand with the immediate family, will
fighting resumed as Posh's family was forced to eat paper money at gunpoint
while people cheered on.
during the lull in combat, Posh had seized an opportunity. While Geri had been
turned to watch the events at the front of the castle, Posh had reached one
arm around her neck and begun to squeeze. "Let
Geri managed to wheeze.
teach you to ruin my chance at leeching money off a Manchester United player!"
Posh yelled, and squeezed even tighter.
shifted his attention back from the front of the castle to the catfight that
was going on a few feet away from him. He chuckled at the fight, and then realized
something. "Shit," he muttered to himself, "I forgot that she's
on our side." He looked around for something -anything- he could use as
a weapon. Spying a lit candle next to the chairs he and Posh had sat upon while
exchanging vows, he darted for it, grabbed it, and ran for Posh.
instant the candle touched her back, Posh's body burst into flames. Between
artificial tanning solution, three layers of makeup, and the spray and gel used
to hold her spiky hair in place, Posh was a walking fire hazard. She released
Geri, stood up, and began screaming and flailing around. Oliver noted that she
sounded quite a bit like the sound effects used to produce the noises of the
xenomorphs in Aliens.
screaming, she ran past the fights in the front of the castle, and out the castle
door. The legions of Spice Girl fans were still waiting outside, and began screaming
-at first, for joy, then in horror- when Posh emerged from the building in flames.
Running into the crowd of teenyboppers, she yelled for someone to put her out.
However, the Spice fans gathered here were not exactly the world's smartest
Spice fans, and they threw themselves at Posh, hoping to beat out the fire that
was claiming one of their favorite singers. After the first few blows, Posh
fell to her knees, still burning, still screaming. A few more original Spice
Girl fans grabbed some bags of concrete that were nearby (to rebuild damaged
sections of the castle, of course) and began beating the flames out with them.
Posh fell to the ground flat on her stomach, and all Cloud and the others could
see from inside the castle was a group of teenyboppers beating a bonfire with
bags of cement, and all they could hear were the dull thuds of concrete mixture
beating upon Posh's ever-burning corpse.
fighting inside had ended, as the NATO forces had managed to round up stray
wedding guests and force them to do humiliating things. Cloud sighed in relief.
They had won. Their forces had won. Good taste had beaten materialism and greed.
the other end, Geri ran towards Cloud, jumping for joy. "We did it!"
she was yelling. "We took out that bitch!" She ran up to Cloud, yelled,
"Thank you!" and kissed the startled man on the lips.
she finally pulled away, he was dazed. "Holy crap," he managed to
say before a bullet tore off a piece of Geri's head. Cloud looked over to see
Magmos, one of his comrades, holding one of the NATO forces' smoking handguns.
She walked up next to him and looked at Geri's body on the ground. "Umm
why did you do that?" he asked.
Cloud, it had to be done," she replied. "I mean, she was the only
one left. Now we really don't have to put up with anymore Spice Girls-related
Cloud said begrudgingly, "I guess you're right."
she said. "How long until we do this thing to Britney Spears?"
said Oliver, walking up to them, "why don't we discuss it over a couple
of pints down the street?"
sounds good," Cloud said, taking one last glance at Geri. "Come on
everyone!" he yelled to his group. "First round's on me!"
with that, the Spice haters and NATO soldiers walked out of the castle and towards
the street, confident that they had reestablished good taste in the world of
music and matrimony.
Oliver asked as the group walked to the bus stop.
how the bloody hell did you get my number?"
the List of Contest Winners.
and copyright 1999, CloudVader Productions. Do not reproduce without giving
the author, Cloud Volpe, due credit.