What's so special about them ?  We're already pussies ! vs. DON'T TOUCH THEM !!!  You'll never be able to sing again, if you acquire them !  DON'T TOUCH THEM !!!  You'll never be able to sing again, if you acquire them !


My name is Emma.  It's hard to believe how different things were, just a few hours ago...
{...Like, you were alive back then, for one thing!  Now bugger off to the afterlife, Sweetheart, and let someone else tell the story.}
Well thanks very much for so rudely interrupting, Mark!  That's what I like about you!
{Hmmm?  What is?}
Fuck all, that's what!
{Charmed.  Don't slam the door on your way out.  Next!}

My name is Rachel, but I'm only in the the show to encourage whitebread teenybopper boys to watch it, so I'm pretty.
{**Sigh**  You mean pretty boring.  Next!}
No... Wait!  I've got an important part of the story to tell!
{Yeah, I'll bet.  *yawn*}
No, really!  It's about the Yerks' weakness!
{Weakness?  Who gives a shit?  I want them to win!)
Yeah, but...  But it's the bit where Mel Heebiegeebie dies!
{It is?  Cool!  Fire away!}
Ok, so my name is Rachel, and Visser 3 the leader of the Yerks had these disintegration things installed at all the entrances to the Yerk pool but we didn't know that so we tried to sneak in disguised as ferrets with Ax and balloons filled with oatmeal and I was almost disintegrated but just as the machine was going to...
{...Hold it!  Hold it!  I didn't understand a bleeding word of that lot!  Bugger off out of the way, and let me tell it properly!}
{Jeeze!  Where do they find these frigging illiterate idiots?}

"My name is Axlegreasemakesthewheelsgoaround,"  said the new Andalite, who had turned up from out of the blue.
"Cool,"  said Cassie.  "We'll just call you 'Ax', and not even try to use your real name, 'cause we're ignorant American kids, and we do stuff like that all the time."
"We've got to go back to the Yerk pool!"  Tobias who was still stuck in hawk form told the other Animorphs, telepathically.
"Will you stop shitting on Mom's carpets?"  Jake complained.
"Why do we have to go back to the pool, anyway?"  asked Marco.  "Just because that's the Yerk central base from which they're taking over the world doesn't make it important."
"Um... Dunno,"  Tobias replied.  "It just seemed like a good thing to say, and..."
"...Ok, Ok!"  said Marco.  "Jeeze, one reason's enough!  Let's go back to the Yerk pool, then."
"I want a burger, first,"  Rachel put in.  "I've got to keep my puppy-fat topped up, because it makes me look cute."
"Puppy fat?"  Cassie laughed.  "Is that what you call it?  If you went for a face-lift, they'd need cement, iron rivets, and a crane!"

A rich local businessman was in the burger bar, frantically sticking instant oatmeal into his ears, and swearing like a trooper.
He was carted off by the police to the local mental institution.
The Animorphs decided to investigate the reasons for his madness.


Ma naeme es Angus Macdonald, and ai'me heare tedai tae show all ye idjit fast food eaters hae tae maeke real Porridge!
*** Translation routines initiated ***
How anyone can eat that 'instant oatmeal' garbage is beyond me.
Real men eat Porridge!
Today, I'll be showing you how to make it Sassenach style, which is how the wee softie English eat it, but since you Americans are even bigger wee softies than the Sassenachs, I thought I'd best go easy on you.
Right.  Take one cup of porridge oats that's Pure porridge oats, mind, no added sugar, flavouring, nuts, fruits, crystallised syrup, or dinosaur eggs!
No added Nothing!  Straight from the tree!
Put the oats into a large plastic bowl.
Add one cup of milk, and one cup of water.
Place the bowl in the microwave, and cook on full power for a total of ten minutes, with two one-minute breaks, for a quick stir and to stand one at six minutes, and one at eight.
Add sugar (unless you're an heroic, bonnie Scots lad, in which case add a pinch of salt!), stir, and serve.
*** Invalid page fault *** Scotstrans.exe will be terminated ***
Yeur wains wull ne'er ete that godawful sheugery enstant crap agaen, efter taesten the real theng!

Intermezzo Fine

The Animorphs followed the rich local businessman to the mental institution.
The mental institution was huge!
It was big enough to take at least a quarter of the town's population into full-time residential care which was just as well.  If all their kids were as much of a pain in the arse as the Animorphs, most of the locals would need to be sectioned at one time or another.
Marco and Rachel snuck into the hospital, disguised in surgical greens.
Obviously, with it being a mental hospital, no surgery was carried out there, but none of the staff seemed suspicious that there were short-arsed, teenybopper surgeons wandering around with their masks up.
To complete their disguises, Marco found a hacksaw, and Rachel carried a fire-axe.
They found the rich local businessman, who told them that the only way of stopping the Yerks was with instant maple oatmeal and excessive foul language.
"It has to be instant maple oatmeal!"  he declared.  "Because it's the Canadian emblem!  Then you have to keep shouting the words: FUCKEN, ASSWIPE, FAGGIT, and HOMO.  It doesn't matter what order you shout them in, or what other words you put between them, just so long as what you shout makes no sense whatever!"

The two of them rejoined the other Animorphs and Ax, and told them the news.
"But I don't like oatmeal,"  said Jake.
"But it's the only thing that will stop the Yerks from Spicegirlifying the entire human race!"  Rachel stressed.
"Is that 'Spicegirlifying' with an 'i', or 'Spicegirlyfying' with a 'y'?"  asked Cassie.
"But I don't like oatmeal!"  Jake insisted.
"FUCKEN ASSWIPE FUCKEN FAGGIT HOMOS!"  Rachel shouted at them.
"Well, that's not very nice!"  Cassie looked hurt.
"Just practising,"  Rachel giggled, making her 'puppy fat' ripple.

They set out, equipped with boxes of instant maple oatmeal, to the pool.
"Ohmigod!"  Cassie hissed, looking behind them as they made their way to the entrance.  "Don't look now, but the Spice Girls are right behind us!"
"Fuckin' WOW!"  Jake declared, looking behind them and digging his hand deep into hs trouser pocket.
"Hurry up, you lot!"  Mel complained, as they neared the newly installed portal.  She turned to Victoria.  "Why do these bloody kids have to be so bloody slow?"
"If you'd kept it down to just five lines of coke, like I told you to, you wouldn't be in such a bleeding hurry!"  Victoria retorted.
Rachel entered the portal.
It lit up with lots of pretty red lights!
"WOO-HOO!"  Shouted the portal.  "It'a an Andalite!  I'm gonna disintegrate it!"
The things that the pretty red lights were coming from started to hum.
"It's going to disintegrate me?"   Thought Rachel.  "Oh, No!  ...Although I suppose I could afford to lose a few pounds..."
"Hurry up, you bloody stupid kid!"  snarled Mel.
She shoved Rachel out of the way and barged forward Just as the disintegrator rays struck!
Where Mel had stood, there was left only a few teaspoons of white dust.
"See!"  declared Victoria.  "I Told you that if you kept snorting that stuff, you'd end up looking like it!"
The Animorphs fled in the ensuing confusion.