Old Spice : the Introduction

The Old Spice Saga is the result of taking an average adult, and throwing him into a collection of circumstances which are based on the fantasies which one goes through in adolescence. It was just a silly idea for a short story; but it turned into something huge, and incredibly popular, world-wide.

The most fun part about it all is that, apart from building a story where all these weird things happen to the hapless protagionist, I had to build an entire universe which allowed such things to happen at all!

Incidentally, after the release of Old Spice : The Album, I held a competition to see if anyone could identify all the fantasy situations that I had incorporated into the story-line. The winner found 146.
There are 192 – but they are so interwoven (just like real life does not happen linearly) that some of them are very hard to spot. It's best just to read and enjoy the story – trying to trace them all gives you headaches.

So, Ol' Spicy is just a normal guy, who one day mistakenly got onto the Spice Girls' tour bus.
He was thrown off by Melanie C, and got into a ruck with her, during which he damaged his knee.
The pain of the injury and the proximity of Melanie made them remember that he and she had, in a past life (1300 years ago – he had been a carpenter, and she the daughter of a Lord), been lovers.
But it also caused other things to happen.
It seems that Ol' Spicy has some kind of affinity with the netherworld, so when he remembered Dian (the carpenter), he actually pulled him up from there, and merged with him.
This caused huge ructions in the netherworld, and sent a vast amount of demonic power to points unknown (unknown until Old Spice : Generation Next is published, anyway), as well as charging Ol' Spicy up with the same energies, over which he has no control.
Naturally, the netherworld was not happy with this, so they sent a demon – Calcabrina, also known as Hacklespur or the Grace Scorner – to break his connection to Dian, and get things back to normal.
Ol' Spicy was of course unaware of all this, and carried on as (what he thought was) normal.
The power he had personally absorbed, however, had other ideas; and he became a magnet for weird and strange happenings.
(*heh heh* This is known as a 'starting focus', and it's a damned good one! Ol' Spicy just has to 'muddle through' as best he can!)

Because of the 'Dian & Ethlinn' (Spicy & Melanie) connection, the Girls conspired to keep him with them (they figured she'd gone long enough without a boyfriend!).

A crime-lord decided to kidnap one of the Girls, and use that kidnapping as part of an insanity plea to get a leaner sentence; so Ol' Spicy got heavily involved in the Girls' security, eventually thwarting the plan (with the help of British Military intelligence and the Italian armed forces – he never seems to achieve anything on his own), and personally arresting the villain.
In the meanwhile, he mistakenly ('mistakenly' is a much-used word, when talking about Ol' Spicy) took the demon's perfectly peaceable attempt to put things right as an attack, and rebuffed it.
He then mistakenly (there it is again!) joined up with another pop group, and before you know it, he, the Spice Girls and the All Saints had been mysteriously whisked off to a 'White Place', which seemed like nowhere on Earth.
That it seemed like nowhere on Earth was particularly appropriate, because it was nowhere on Earth!
It turned out that (for reasons which I cannot state until Old Spice : Generation Next is published, or people will hate me for putting in spoilers) the White Place was a starship and, yet more mysteriously, Ol' Spicy was its Captain!

So, the demon 'attacked' again, only to be rebuffed again, and then taken captive aboard the White Place.
Demons are creatures built of pure emotion, so, after explaining the situation to Ol' Spicy, Calcabrina decided that any mortal who could twice beat her back was one worth having, and they formed an 'alliance' (Ok, Ok! They started shagging! Get the picture?) (It's handled much more tastefully in the book).
This sent Calcabrina's previous lover, a minor demon named Khantioc (also known as 'Bob') off the rails, and he plotted to destroy Ol' Spicy, by using his powers to reanimate ancient creatures (dinosaurs), and attacking the Girls with them.
Spicy defeated Bob with the help of British Military Intelligence, a couple of spooky FBI agents, and a platoon of US marines.

BUT: Because of his alliance with Calcabrina, he had learned about the demonic power he had absorbed, how he was unconsciously using it, though he would never be able to control it; and how it had been bending reality to cause all their troubles – so he knew that he, himself, was a greater danger to those he loved than any number of demons could ever be.
With this sad knowledge, he jumped into the White Place, and headed away from Earth – forever!

Old Spice : Generation Next shows what happens on that trip, and sees his return. I cannot give details at this time.

Old Spice : Assassin sees him shoot the British Prime Minister. Again, details will have to wait.

Old Spice : the Little Devils sees him confront the vampire Oliverio.

And Old Spice : Love Undying gives the full, unabridged story of Dian & Ethlinn – which I had to build in order for the whole thing to work in the first place, but which only gets brief mention in the other books.

And that's it!
Bear in mind that these are only highlights; and that a lot more than that happens, but that is enough to be going on with.

Molto Grazie to Mr. DooM, for the music (which I only had to tweak slightly). What could possibly be more appropriate for a demon-fighter?
If you want a copy: it's in your cache, for crying out loud! Copy it out from there, and stop being awkward!

Glossary of names:

Dian A seventh century carpenter; one of Ol' Spicy's previous incarnations.

Ethlinn The female heir to a Lord's manor, back in the seventh century. Reincarnated as Melanie C.

Sally A young girl killed during a bombing raid in World War Two. Another of Ol' Spicy's previous incarnations.

Sandra (Sandi) Sally's friend. Reincarnated as Geri.

Peaches On a bet with Victoria, Ol' Spicy conned Mel B into letting him call her this. The name eventually came into common use amongst the gang.

Grace 'The Grace Scorner' and 'Hacklespur' are other names for the demon Calcabrina, from the eighth circle of Hell (look it up!).

Cal The demon Calcabrina used Emma's body as a template for her foray into the living world, and Emma ended up being called Cal.

Victoria No 'Designer Name' for this Girl!

Davey Bond A British Military Intelligence agent. Spicy called him this as a joke, but since no-one knows his real name, it stuck.

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