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 vs. Dracula
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Part IV
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"It's a darned good job I found one of the Master's dolls in near-perfect condition," Boris commented, as he and Igor checked the rooms on the third floor of the West wing. "We wouldn't even know the girls were missing, if I hadn't finished it so quickly."
"Igor like dolls! Igor like virgins! Igor like food!"
Boris sighed to himself.
"You know, it's a wonder I didn't fucking crack up years ago!" he muttered.
"No food! No food!" shrilled Igor, running back and forth between the rooms. "Food gone!"
Boris slammed his hand down on Igor's head, holding it still whilst the frantic hunchback's legs continued to move in wobbly circles.
"Ok, Ok, Ok!" Boris tried to calm him down. "Look, there's no way they could have left the castle. All the exits are still securely sealed. If they're not here, then they must have found their way down to the crypt. We'll go down there, and sweep the whole place. We're bound to find them."
"DangerDanger!" Igor replied, frenetically. "In crypt is dangerdanger!" he threw his head back and howled, like a dog, baying at the moon.
"Oh come on, Iggy! The crypt is huge! The chances of them running into the werewolf are pretty remote!"
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The two terrified Girls turned to face in the direction of the growl...
"I think..." Victoria said, ponderously, "... that we ought to, er, get the fuck out of here!"
The growling stopped, to be replaced by an even more ominous snuffling noise.
"It sounds like a doggy..." Emma whispered.
"A bleeding big doggy!" Victoria expounded. "I've not had much luck with dogs, lately!"
"Did you bring any cake with you?" asked Emma.
"Cake?" Victoria retorted. "You don't honestly think we'll be able to hold off a starving dog with cake???
"No, I mean for me! I get the munchies when I'm nervous!"
"You get the fucking munchies when you're asleep!" Victoria snorted. "Which way is the bloody thing coming from? It's too echoey in here..."
In reply to her question, an ear-splittingly loud howl filled the air.
The Girls looked in the direction it had come from, to see light glinting from hideous, evil eyes, and drool-covered fangs...
"It's going to eat us alive!" screamed Emma.
"Don't be so thick! It'll fucking kill us, first!"
"Wait!" shouted Emma. "I've got a plan!"
"Well make it bleeding quick! I don't think he's the type to sit patiently, waiting for his Pal with Marrowbone Jelly™!"
Emma picked up a chunk of rotting timber from near her feet, and moved around behind Victoria...
"Just a second..." she said, grunting...
... And she brought the timber down on Victoria's head with all the force her dinky little arms could muster!
Victoria collapsed, somewhat appropriately, like a sack of rags.
"Dinner time!" Emma shouted to the creature in the darkness, and she scurried off in the opposite direction, as fast as her dinky little legs could carry her!
The creature moved out into the light of Victoria's fallen candle...
Coarse fur, lupine features – but it had hands, and stood on two legs!
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An interesting series of problems...
The Master had, with brilliant use of the correct potions and incantations, managed to reanimate the muscle tissue of the dead food beast.
He could not, however, force the body to heal the damage that had been done to it by the rats.
The chemical cocktail of uppers, downers, upside-downers, and inside-outers which permeated every cell of the beast prevented his potions from taking effect.
"It seems you will need to remain in your bandages, my dear." He said to it.
The beast's ears were functioning, under the bandages, but its jaw was badly damaged, making speech almost impossible.
"Dhhoomuh titschluk okkei?" it asked, having to force out each gutteral grunt.
The Master ignored it. He had done as much as he could for it. It could wait until he had decided what functions it was to perform for him.
He had other things to attend.
It had been many years since he had created a doll; but their usefulness in instilling fear in food beasts made them invaluable.
He carefully inspected Boris' work in restoring one of the old, wooden-bodied puppets.
Three feet tall, there were no major flaws or splits in the grain; and the paintwork had been brightened – a sunny, smiling face, to hide the fearsome reality of the devil-doll.
He opened the hatch on its breast, and carefully poured in the alchemic mixture that would give it life.
The wooden creature's eyes sparkled, as its timber body began to feel the rhythm of living tissue...
Only one ingredient more was needed...
The Master sent out a mental command to his slaves, to fetch one of the other food beasts to him...
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"Bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger!" panted Emma, as she ran up the steps.
"Bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger!" she gasped, as she sprinted down the hall, her little legs going like a rat's in a treadmill.
"Ooooh, Bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger!" she frantically tried all the doors she came across.
"Bugger, bugger, bugger, bugg..." One of the doors opened!
"Bugger?" Melanie asked. "Ith that what you were going to thay?"
"Melanie!!!" Emma screamed. "I've found you!"
"It thertainly lookth that way," Melanie replied. "Want thome cake?"
"How can you think about food, at a time like this?" Emma yelled. "Victoria's... Um... banged her head, and she's being attacked by a big dog!" she paused, looking at the tray on the table. "Got any Battenburg?"
"No, but there'th plenty of doughnutth."
"Yum! They'll do!" Emma brightened, as her eyes began to devour the stodgy lumps of dough, seconds before her mouth followed suit.
"What were you thaying about Victoria?" asked Melanie.
"Who? Oh, her! Mumphle umghup phmig dog, but fuck her. Momphoo omph one?" Emma offered the plate to Melanie.
"No thankth," she thaid said. "I had thome earlier."
"Phmyoo mumphing mipha lisp?" asked Emma.
"Oh, it'th theethe bloody teeth," Melanie told her. "They make it awkward to do thibilantth"
"Teeth? Where phmidue menpthum?"
"Oooh, it'th the greatetht thing that'th ever happened to me!" said Melanie, her eyes far away. "I've found out why the retht of you like bloketh! It'th like having a girl with a built-in dildo! It'th Magic!"
"Glad you like it," Emma frowned, polishing off the last doughnut. "But I hope you don't expect to be put on the Courtesy rota! There's too many on it as it is!"
"Oh! That'th not fair! Can't I have Victoria'th plathe, if the'th been eaten by a dog?"
Emma shrugged. "S'pose; but I..."
"Hold on..." Melanie interrupted her, listening to a silent voice. "Oh. I thee. Come on, Em. The Mathter wantth to thee you."
"The mathter?" queried Emma. "Whatth that?... I mean: What's that?"
"It'th the Mathter!" Melanie thtrethed stressed. "Come on! We muthtn't keep him waiting!"
She hustled Emma out into the hallway.
"Will he have cake?" Emma's receding voice drifted back into the room.
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"That's it. We're screwed!" Boris said, despairingly. "The Master wants one of the girls brought up to him."
"Igor heard! Igor heard! Master wants food! Master wants food! Must take food to Master!"
"There is no fucking food, you brainless cretin! It's fucking vanished!"
"Must take food! Must take food! Food for Master!" Igor jabbered, as he ran off, toward the Master's chambers.
"Oh, well." sighed Boris. "I suppose there's nothing for it..."
He set off after Igor, squaring his shoulders and preparing for the worst.
"Hey!" Boris spotted Melanie and Emma, approaching from the other direction. Igor had already found them, and was bouncing along beside them.
"Is food! Is food!" Igor rushed up and grasped Boris' arm. "Food and Mistress!"
"Mistress? What are you babbling on about, now?"
"Is Mistress! Is Mistress! Master make new Mistress!"
Boris could feel one of his headaches coming on.
"Talk sense, will you, Iggy?"
"Look at teethies! Look at teethies! Is new Mistress!"
Boris took a close look, as the girls approached.
The teeth! It was true! The Master must have permitted the girl to cross over, when he consumed her!
Great! He thought. All I needed was for a blasted woman to start ordering me around, too!
The four of them reached the Master's door. Boris reached up to knock, but the door opened to him before his knuckles met oak.
"Enter. Bring the girl to me."
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They entered in silence, and Boris led Emma over to the Master, who was standing before the doll.
"Hello," said Emma. "Are you the boss here? Thanks for all the ca..."
Her vote of thanks was cut off, as the Master's hand flashed out and back...
"Oooo..." Emma gasped, a puzzled look on her face.
She looked down at the mess of flesh that had been her chest, then collapsed backward, her skull cracking against the hard, stone floor.
She felt no pain from the head wound, however. She was dead before reaching the floor.
Her heart, still beating in the Master's hand, was placed carefully into the chest compartment of the doll.
The doll lit up for a moment, lightning flashing up and down its wooden limbs, then its eyes awoke, and it looked around the room.
The Master turned to Melanie.
"You may take sustenance from what is left."
Melanie eagerly dropped to her knees, and started sucking on one of Emma's exposed arteries.
"It'th a bit thugary," she said, coming up for air. "But tathty enough."
"I trust you have an explanation as to why a new were-being exists in the crypt." The Master said to Boris. "I look forward to hearing it."
Boris heaved a sigh of relief. So that was where the other one had ended up! But at least the Master had not asked for an immediate explanation. He would have to think of a way to blame it on Igor – or on the new Mistress!
Yeah! He thought. I'll blame it on her! Chop her legs off, before she gets her feet under the table!
"Take the doll, and leave us. There is much to be done, before the spawning."
'Spawning' Thought Boris, as he tried to make it look as if he was not rushing from the room. What the Hell is a 'spawning'?
Igor followed him out, holding hands with the clankety-clunkety walking doll.
"We do nicethings! Nicethings!" Igor was saying to the wooden creature. "We have funfun!"
"Um..," came the doll's scratchy voice, as they made their way down the stairs to the servants' area. "... Have you got any cake? Or some bikkies?"
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Epilogue
So, the Spice Girls have died...
All four have met with fates so grisly, that most of us would not even have nightmares so terrifying...
Emma's soul has been transplanted into a wooden dummy, which cannot dance, cannot sing...
Mel has been reanimated as a Mummy, which can only shuffle mindlessly, and grunt...
Victoria has been transformed into a werewolf, which can only howl and cry at the moon...
And Melanie has been slain and reborn as a vampire, whose teeth prevent her from vocalising fluently...
The only question which remains to be answered is:
D'you think their fans will notice?
The (Un)Livin' End!
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