{Walks on and takes mic from stand}

Ok, I don't have an act, so let's see if we can get some Chemistry going here, to make up for the shortfall in material.

Actually, it's funny I should say that, because I have a problem with Chemistry.

Not that I can't mix evil-smelling compounds together, and what have you.  Believe it or not, I'm a nice guy, under normal circumstances, but a couple of sips of my home-grown tonic, and I grow a beard and start making pornographic 'phone calls.  {Heavy breathes into mic}

The only reason I'm even here tonight is because there was a queue for the 'phone booth, so I thought I could get my kicks by talking dirty to {points at guy in A.} YOUR girlfriend! {To girlfriend -- Filthy voice!} Go on, Darlin'.  Show us yer knickers!

{Back to S. Centre, eventually} No, it's not Chemistry itself.  It's the way the word is used.

{Stares into space.  Deep, slow, amorous voice.} ... Their eyes met across a crowded room, and chemistry happened.....

What the Hell is that supposed to mean?
They mixed ammonia with sulphur?  Made a smell like a fart after a night of beer and curry?

How bleeding romantic can you get?

I mean, wouldn't we be better off using astronomy?  The stars and whatnot are supposed to be a source of romance, aren't they?

... His asteroids collided with her celestial body, drawn relentlessly toward her black hole.....

Now, that's more like it!

But I'm not even going to start on being sucked in by gravity wells!

{Outraged at A. reaction}  You dirty-minded rabble!  Behave!  This is a family show!

{To wings} What?

Oh, it isn't a family show?

Oh well, fuck it then!  {Approaches guy's girlfriend, from earlier.  Dirty old man voice.}  'Allo, Darlin'!  Fancy a shag?

{Lets girl escape with virtue intact, and goes back to S. centre} Physics would be even better...

... His angle of incidence was reflected, causing his electrons to gyrate wildly.....

... Biology?

...{Pauses pointedly.  A. reacts loudly before he starts to speak}

{Laughing}  No, I'm not even going to bother...  Your filthy minds have already done the job for me!

Or what about Sociology....

{Drippy hippy voice}  ... I think it's important that we should respect each other's space.....

You'd pull no bother, with a line like that!  If not, try English Lang.  Great for cyber-affairs!

... Her feminine gender met with his masculine intensifier, and they conjugated - it was no anticlimax, as she was rocked by continuous tenses.....

{A. reaction is so great that he can't keep a straight face, himself!  That's RARE!}  Note that I carefully avoided any mention of the colon!

No, but the final word has to go to the Mathematics....

... The sum of their expressions multiplied geometrically, and they came to a simultaneous equation!

Thank You!  {Strides from stage}

{He had us all rolling about backstage for an hour, as he came out with new ones faster than we could react to the previous! -- D.B.}

 

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