{Walks on and takes mic from stand}

Ok, I don't have an act, so let's see if we can get some Chemistry going here; to make up for the shortfall in material.

Actually, it's funny I should say that, because I have a problem with Chemistry.

Not that I can't mix evil-smelling compounds together, and what have you.  Believe it or not, I'm a nice guy, under normal circumstances, but a couple of sips of my home-grown tonic, and I grow a beard and start making pornographic 'phone calls.  {Heavy breathes into mic}

The only reason I'm even here tonight is because there was a queue for the 'phone booth; so I thought I could get my kicks by talking dirty to {points at guy in A.} YOUR girlfriend! {To girlfriend -- Filthy voice!} Go on, Darlin'.  Show us yer knickers!

{Back to S. Centre} No, it's not Chemistry itself.  It's the way the word is used.

{Stares into space.  Deep, slow, amorous voice.} ...Their eyes met across a crowded room, and chemistry happened.....

What the hell is that supposed to mean?
They mixed ammonia with sulphur?  Made a smell like a fart after a night of beer and curry?

How bleeding romantic can you get?

I mean, wouldn't we be better off using astronomy?  The stars and whatnot are supposed to be a source of romance, aren't they?

...His asteroids collided with her celestial body; drawn relentlessly toward her black hole.....

Now, that's more like it!

But I'm not even going to start on being sucked in by gravity wells!

{Outraged at A. reaction}  You dirty-minded rabble!  Behave!  This is a family show!

{To wings} What?

Oh, it isn't a family show?

Oh well, fuck it then!  {Approaches guy's girlfriend, from earlier.  Dirty old man voice.}  'Allo, Darlin'!  Fancy a shag?

{Lets girl escape with virtue intact, and back to S. centre} Physics would be even better...

...His angle of incidence was reflected, causing his electrons to gyrate wildly.....

...Biology?

...{Pauses pointedly.  A. reacts loudly before he starts to speak}

{Laughing}  No, I'm not even going to bother...  Your filthy minds have already done the job for me!

Or what about Sociology....

{Drippy hippy voice}  ...I think it's important that we should respect each other's space.....

You'd pull no bother, with a line like that!  If not, try English Lang.  Great for cyber-affairs!

...Her feminine gender met with his masculine intensifier, and they conjugated - it was no anticlimax, as she was rocked by continuous tenses.....

{A. reaction is so great that he can't keep a straight face, himself!}  Note that I carefully avoided any mention of the colon!

No, but the final word has to go to the Mathematics....

...The sum of their expressions multiplied geometrically, and they came to a simultaneous equation!

Thank You!  {Strides from stage}

{He had us all rolling about backstage for an hour, as he came out with new ones faster than we could react to the previous! -- D.B.}