I have been promising for some time now to publish a response to the many queries and accusations I receive over the Old Spice and SGDVD stories I have written.

Here it is.  Hopefully, this will answer some of your questions, and save you the bother of sending me flaming e-mails.

I shall begin with SGDVD, which seems to cause most of such response; but I do not expect to follow a linear pattern with this, so don't be surprised if I chop and change.

I have stated many times, and in various places, that SGDVD is an art form.
Many people obviously do not believe this, but their lack of belief does not change the fact.

Satire and caricature are as much a part of British literary history as Shakespeare and Dickens (both of whom are noted for their satirical work and caricatures).  The two forms are, and always have been, aimed mainly at politicians.
Why politicians?
Could it be because they are people who command power?  In a way, yes, but it is more often the case that the politician being 'attacked' by the satirist or caricaturist is receiving this attention because he/she has either misused that power, or has not exercised it properly.
In simple terms: Satirists and caricaturists attack people who do not use their power well or wisely. In fact, it could be said that targets are singled out because they command too much power – more than they can either handle or be trusted with, at any rate.

So how does this relate to SGDVD?
What have stories that slam pop-stars got to do with the noble old cartoonists for Punch Magazine?
Why should a perfectly sane author put his reputation through a blender by supporting crude, bloodthirsty, silly little stories which appear to have no artistic merit?
Answer:  Because that author is smart enough to see that SGDVD is a natural extension of the satirical works of old.
The power of politicians has been radically reduced, over the past fifty years.  This is not to say that they no longer make laws or run the country; it means that there are not so many closed doors behind which they may hide their dealings.  Communication is too fast; the media are too probing.  The politician of today (at least in Britain) can no longer depend on leaving office as a rich man – not without being hounded into oblivion (or into a job at Sky TV, which is more or less the same thing), if those riches were gained by devious means.

Politicians are expected to be honest, and to use their power wisely.  When they do not, we all get to hear about it through the press.
But did I not already state that such was the demesne of the satirist and the caricaturist?
Where are they, now that the formal press has stolen their job?
Well, they are still doing it.  They are still mockingly pointing out the failings of our beloved leaders; but somehow, now that it has become permissible to mistrust or think ill of political figures, the edge of their humour seems dull and ragged.
Coverage of the misuses of power which the satirists and caricaturists so bitingly ferreted out in the past has been hijacked by the main press, which is no longer afraid to plainly state that this MP or that MP is up to no good.

Where, then should the satirist/caricaturist ply his trade?
What section of society:

• Has too much power?
• Shows no restraint in the use of that power?
• Is accountable to no-one?
• Holds the status of 'Sacred Cow', in that no-one may speak out against them, for fear of attack by their blinkered followers?

Figured it out, yet?
Yup.  You've got it.  The entertainment and sporting industries.

Members of these industries – far too high a percentage of which is poorly educated, totally egocentric, and (in entertainment) lacking in talent – enjoy a ridiculous amount of power over their 'fans', which they exercise with all the intelligence of pot-plants, and all the grace of a turnip.

Examples:

The Gallaghers, declaring proudly that they had committed burglary.  Maleducated, thick as two short planks, but they tell kids that committing crime is a good thing, and – because of their celebrity status – kids believe them.
Why not tell kids that doing well in school will mean they'll have an easier life?  Or, if they don't want to go that far, why don't they simply keep their bloody mouths shut?
These are the same chaps who display their ignorance with the misquote in the title of their latest album – although it is doubtful they know the source of the quote.  "If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants."  (Sir Isaac Newton).

Here's another quote:  "Drugs are Great!"  (Robbie Williams).
Fortunately for him, he had the money to be able to afford the most expensive drying-out clinic.
I doubt that many of the kids who took him at his word were so fortunate – if they lived long enough to have the chance to dry out at all.

Chriss Evans decided, in his usual knows-a-little-bit-of-science-but-not-enough way, that there was no global warming – that Mother nature will take care of it – and declared so several times on his early morning radio show.
I got in touch with a few schoolteachers, and asked if any kids had expressed similar opinions. They had – directly quoting Evans' exact words!  So, in my usual knows-a-hell-of-a-lot-about-science-but-it's-never-enough way, I pulled him up for it, but he declined to retract his statements.
Incidentally: in a way, he was right about Mother Nature.  She will indeed take care of it.
Unfortunately, when she fixes it by making the Earth more like Venus, we'll all die.

I have yet to use the Gallaghers or Williams – by the time I started writing SGDVD the iron was cold on those particular incidents – but Evans was caricatured in the Rugrats story (my least favourite, because I did not like working in the script-like format, so I rushed it).  I was reasonably gentle with him.

The caricature I used, however, was close enough to reality that hopefully he was well pissed-off when he read it; and the knowledge that hundreds of thousands of people world-wide will also have read the story will hopefully act as a reminder that power which is freely given is not to be abused – because others amongst us can use it, too.
A large chunk of the Old Spice fan-base now listens to his show, in the hope that they will hear me take him to task, but it's a false hope.  Sorry, but I like the guy; and his theories aren't usually so wrong (just imagine what I'll do to people that I don't like! ).

Apart from the Spice Girls themselves – who have not really done anything wrong, note – every character I have included in SGDVD has been there for reasons similar to those above.  The Girls are in the stories because that was the format, long before I joined in writing SGDVD.

This is a good point to switch over to discussing Old Spice.

A great deal of confusion abounds amongst Spice fans, because one of the *nasty bastards* who write SGDVD is also the author of Old Spice.

In SGDVD the Girls are portrayed as the worst they could possibly be.
In Old Spice it is quite the reverse.

Instead of replying to some of the flaming letters I have received about SGDVD, I have sent copies of Old Spice : The Album, to hilarious result:

"But I thought you hated them!"

"How can you be so horrible to them if you love them so much?"

I usually send a brief reply, telling the flamer to stop thinking in black and white; but the real reason for the differences in my portrayals of the Girls is very simple.

It's fiction.

People tend not to believe me when I tell them that Old Spice sprang forth from a serious, scientific study of hormone imbalances – but it's the truth.

I wrote the piece, and it was a very accurate description of the effects on the mind of hormonal imbalances during puberty, but it was very dry, very lifeless.
I knew that there had to be a more fun way of writing about the subject, and, whilst walking through town one day, I found it.  That much is in the introduction to Old Spice : The Album.

It is worth noting that, had I had the idea a year later, it might not have featured the Spice Girls at all.
The character(s) I needed for the story was (were) the current main teeny-bopper idol(s).  They just happened to be the Spice Girls, at that time.  A year later it was All Saints; so I consider myself lucky not to have been stuck with that more egocentric group.
The beauty of the Spice Girls (from the point of view of writing the story) is that they know that they've done nothing to deserve anything like the lifestyle they've been given (it's a shame the same can't be said for the All Saints!).  Hell, compared to the average pop-star, Dr. Christian-Barnard lived in abject poverty!
If you don't know who he is, he pioneered methods of aortal and transplant surgery.  His work has saved millions of lives.  Should Robbie Williams, the Gallagher Gang, All Saints, and the Spice Girls be given a better standard of life than he?
Should they Bollocks!
Like I said, though: at least the Girls appreciate that they don't deserve what they've been given, and just have a laugh over it (presumably all the way to the bank).  People who lack arrogance always set well with me.

And there you have it!

The Girls are not in the Old Spice Saga because I'm a fan, nor because I *hate* them – although I am glad it is the Old Spice Saga, rather than Saint Wal's Quest, or whatever.

I got involved with SGDVD because an Old Spice fan suggested I visit the site – she wanted me to give Cloud hell, for writing those nasty, nasty stories.  It didn't quite work out that way.

The final 'accusation' to cover is that of jealousy (which has been spelled with varying degrees of success).

Jealous of what, precisely?

I am not jealous of authors who write better stories than mine.
I am not jealous of programmers who write better programs than mine.
I am not jealous of scientists who know their subject better than I.
I am not jealous of carpenters who produce better elements than I (although there are precious few who can! ).

Why on Earth should I be jealous of a pop-group?

They do what they do, and I do what I do.  It's a pretty safe bet that none of them will ever be serious rivals to me in my own fields, so why should I be jealous of their being made into pop-stars by third party management teams?

Their fame?
Think rationally.
Try to find a recognisable picture of me; one which would allow you to know me on the street.  You won't.  I don't seek that kind of fame, so why should I be jealous of it?

Perhaps if I were a few years older I would be jealous of their youth, but there's plenty of life left in this not-so-old dog, yet!

Read Old Spice, for crying out loud!  My entire personality is in there, warts and all, for everyone to see.  The early Ol' Spicy is Me, totally and completely (although differing experience and memory sets have made the two of us drift apart in the later stories).  Would that guy in the book be jealous of the Spice Girls?

No, he bloody wouldn't be; and no, he bloody isn't!

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