Flashback 1 (of 936):

My name is Jake.  That's all I can say, because the judge said I could not be named until the abuse case was over, but my agent paid off the kid's parents, so they're withdrawing the complaint.
It's hard to believe that just three hours ago I was a normal kid, whacking off to a video of the Spice Girls.
So much has changed, since then.  Until tonight I was just a drippy, slack-jawed wimp, who went around moping and feeling sorry for myself.  Tonight I'm a drippy, slack-jawed wimp, who goes around moping and feeling sorry for myself, but now I can turn into animals!
I had decided to take my dog, Homo, down to the video arcade.  Dogs need to run and play in open fields; it keeps them healthy and happy; but I like to play video games, so go fuck what dogs need.
We got to the arcade, and I kicked Homo into a corner, telling him to stay; but the stupid little shit factory ran off.
"Awww, crap!"  I said, and I ran after him.  Mom would cut my allowance, if the mutt ran away, and I was due to pay for my Hustler subscription, the next week.
A few of the guys followed us.  They liked watching Homo suffer, too, and they knew he was in for a good ass-kicking, when I caught up with him.
Cassie and my cousin Rachel were among them.  Cassie was black, and mom won't let me near black girls because they brought AIDS over from Africa, but cousin Rachel was white – and stacked!  It got harder to run after Homo as it got harder, as I thought about what I'd like to do to Rachel.
We followed the stupid mutt down to the abandoned factories, which are right smack in the center of the shopping area, just like there are dozens of abandoned factories next to every other mall in every other town.
"HOMO!!!"  I shouted, calling the dog.  "FUCKEN HOMO!!!!"
We caught up with Homo, and I was just about to lay into him, when Marco grabbed my arm.
"Look!"  he said.  "What's that???"
He pointed to some funny lights in the sky, that were coming towards us, fast!
"Ohmigod!"  gasped Cassie.  "It looks like a spacecraft containing a friendly alien who has come to save the Earth from being invaded by evil aliens, giving us the power to turn into animals by making us each rub one side of his cubic, alien dick!"
"Sounds cool, but I get to rub the top!"  said Rachel.
"Yeah, right!"  sneered Tobias.  "I pulled that gag myself, back in the eighth grade!"
"That was You???"  gasped Cassie.  "You sonovabitch!  I oughta..!"
She was interrupted by the spaceship crashing to the ground, a few yards in front of us.
We hid behind a wall of empty packing cases and barrels, that was just big enough to hide five kids and a dog – abandoned factories outside malls always have walls of empty packing cases and barrels (that are just big enough to hide five kids and a dog) outside them.  I was surprised that there were no short lengths of sewer pipe lying around for us to hide in, but we weren't being chased by anyone, so I supposed we didn't need them.
A creature emerged from the spaceship.
It had feet like horses' hooves, a face like a ski-mask covered with green make-up, and a huge, square whonga hanging between its legs.
It collapsed to the floor as soon as it was out of the spaceship, and called us over.
"My name is Albanjo."  He said; then he told us what we had to do.
Sure enough, we each had to rub a side of his smelly, square dick, so we could turn into animals.
Rachel looked like she enjoyed it, so I knew I would have to go to the porn shop again, to see if they had anything that could make my dick square – and stretch it to longer than four inches.
"You must beware of the Yerks!"  the creature, which called itself an 'Andalite', told us.  "They will be coming after me, and they will try to take over your world!"
"So when will you be coming?"  Rachel licked her lips.
"Is that 'Yerks' with a 'y'?"  asked Marco.
"I thought he said 'Jerks', with a 'j',"  said Cassie.  "I thought he meant Jake and Marco."
"Naw,"  Cassie replied.  "It's gotta be 'Ierks' with an 'i'."
"Don't be stupid!"  Tobias barked.  "Only a complete imbecile would spell it with an 'i'!"
"Yeah, but what about this guy?  Is he an 'Andalite' with an 'a', or an 'Andelite' with an 'e'?"
"Who cares?"  shouted Rachel.  "Let him answer my question!"
"Tobias,"  panted the creature, handing him a funny looking gadget.  "Take this, and find the disk!  You must find the disk!"
"Wow!"  exclaimed Tobias.  "A portable DVD player!  Cool!"
Just then another spaceship landed, so we hid behind the wall of empty packing cases and barrels again.
The creature from the new spaceship ripped the other one to pieces, then turned on us!
"RUN!"  I shouted to the others.  "Go that way!  Draw him off, so I can escape!"
I ran across the yard, the creature chasing me, and dived into a short length of sewer pipe.
"Shit!"  I said.  "Any monster with any fucken sense would have gone after the bigger group!"
Homo joined me in the pipe.  I grabbed hold of him, and started throttling him for getting me into that mess, but...
...It was weird!
Just by touching Homo, I knew that I had 'acquired' his DNA!  I knew that I could turn into a dog!
I started to morph, and sure enough: next thing I knew, I had four legs, a tail, and could lick my own balls.
I'm not sure of the details of what happened next, but I remember being found by some humans who had been possessed by the Yerks, who said: "Ewwwww!  That dog's giving itself a blow-job!", then went away in disgust.
Homo and I ran away to find the others.  But we stopped off for Homo to show me how to mount a bitch, so we lost them.
I saw them all the next day in the school canteen – which kinda screwed up the 'three hours ago' flashback that I was in – and they decided that we would use our morphing powers to rid the world of Yerks!
I went along with it, so that I would get the chance to show cousin Rachel how to morph into a canine bitch, and then teach her what Homo had taught me!

We all met up later, at the wildlife preserve that, coincidentally, was run by Cassie's mom.  I wondered if city hall knew that it was black women who brought AIDS into the country, but I guess that it can't be passed on to animals, so it was safer having Cassie's mom work there, than risking her infecting people in an office.
The others met up before I got there, and had quite an important discussion – but since I wasn't there I couldn't narrate it.
We all tried out turning into animals.  Cassie turned into a horse; Rachel turned into a cat (when she faced away from me with her tail in the air... Whoa, Mamma!); and Marco turned into a rat.  Marco started pounding on about how terrible it was that his mom was dead – but she was only a Latina, so I didn't see why he was so upset.
Tobias turned into the invisible man, and vanished.
He was pissed because he'd dropped the DVD player that the creature had given him, when we had run away from the second creature.
I was pissed because the girls had clothes on when they turned back into humans!
What a rip-off!
We went back to the crash site and retrieved the DVD player  So all we had to do was find the disk that the creature had told us about.

-oOo-

Authors notes:

Now you are all, on both sides of the Atlantic, up to date on what and who the Animorphs are, so I can get back to the story proper.

The above 'three hour flashback', which lasted a day and a half, is the last such pathetic literary device that I shall allow to be used by the narrators of this tale.  If they dare try it again, I'll sew their mouths closed – and we'll see how they like them apples!

btw:  The misogynistic, racist views of the characters in this story in no way reflect the views of the author.
Unless you're talking about the French, of course – but who doesn't hate them?

Sticks