My name is Melanie, and what had happened over the past few hours had left me really upset – but this isn't a flashback!  Honest!  Please put the sewing kit down!
{I'm listening.  Carry on.}
One of me best mates had died, right beside me, when the roof of the concert hall had caved in.  I was so sad.  I couldn't stop crying.  I couldn't stop thinking about all the things we would never do together.  I'd never even muff – I mean... erm... I never even got to give her the earmuffs I bought her for Christmas!
Oh, and the other one had died, too.  The mouthy one with the nice tits.
Victoria and I were in pieces, when we got back to the hotel.  Emma might have been a little cow, but she was one of us.  We were really going to miss her, just like we missed the other one... The one that had left to make her own album... what's her name... um... you know, the one with those gorgeous firm, round breasts that you could play with for hours and hours; and that bum that you could hardly stop yourself from reaching out and squeezing, as you followed her onto stage; and those pictures!  God, I still get out her photo album almost every day; the one with the nude pics; and... um...
Oh, and Mel had died, too, hadn't she.  I keep forgetting about her.
She was no fun, anyway.  She never used to let me help her with her clothes, or give her 'sisterly' hugs, so I could cop a quick...
Um, anyway.  We were really sad – especially me, because I'd 'phoned Shania Twain, and she'd been really bitchy to me!
Well?  She said that she felt like a woman!  I was only trying to be friendly!
She wasn't half as nasty as Madonna had been, though, when I'd called her up after hearing that she'd like a virgin.
{Will you just stick to a straight, linear narrative?  I'm getting sick of having to correct your verb tenses!  Besides, all this gumph is starting to sound an awful lot like micro-flashbacks, and you know what that means!}
Alright, alright!  Bloody hell, Mark, you can't half be a bad-tempered bastard!
{A bad-tempered bastard who's good with a sewing needle, remember!}
Well, like I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted:  Victoria and I were really sad, so we decided to go for a drive in the country to clear our heads.  It would have been nice, but we forgot to take a car with us, and then we got lost in the woods.
Luckily, we ran into our mate, Visser 3 from Yerk Records, and he asked us to sing to this funny creature they'd captured.
The creature looked like an alien, with horses' hooves and a face like a ski-mask with green face-pack plastered all over it, and it was really upset at being caught.
It calmed down as we sung to it, though.  They say that music calms down savage beasts, don't they?  Our music's like that.  When kids come into our concerts, they're all noisy and excited, but they leave like zombies.
...And you won't believe what happened next!
{Yes I will; but I'm getting fed up listening to the scouser accent, so someone else can tell it.}

-oOo-

My name is Cassie.  I'm one of the Osmond brother's secret love-children – but I'm not supposed to tell anyone that, so keep it to yourself, willya?
{No problem.}  {*snicker!*}
Anyway, Marco and I had been getting real close, partly because we got on well together, but mainly because we both come from minorities – so it was obvious to the writer of the story that no decent white kids would be interested in us, and that we would naturally be drawn to each other, even though our roots were in completely different parts of the world.  I mean, white, middle-class, middle-American writers all know that there are only two countries on Earth – white, middle-class America, and the rest of the world.
Me and the other Animorphs were out walking in the wilderness that was 120 feet outside town.  We hadn't run into any crazy old hermits, yet, but it was bound to happen soon, because we'd been out there more than five minutes.
Marco was complaining, because the rest of us had each had fifteen more dream sequences than him, and he was talking about re-negotiating his contract.
Then we heard Ax!
He had been captured by the Yerks, and was sending out telepathic distress signals!
By sheer coincidence, he had been captured no more than 50 feet from where we were walking!
We ran to help, but got caught in a net that fell from a tree!
We couldn't morph into animals to escape from the net, because the that would have let the Yerks know that we were the Earth's resistance force!
{Sure thing.  So the Yerks had rigged every single tree in the forest with nets that were just big enough to catch four kids and a hawk, had they?  Just by chance, like.}
Of course!  They must have guessed that the Earth's resistance force consisted of four kids and a hawk!  But they didn't know it was us!  Don't you know anything about plot development?
{*sigh*}
So we were stuck in this net, and Visser 3 and the Spice Girls were telling us how they were going to take over the world of pop music, when all of a sudden another alien appeared, to help us – another alien from a completely different planet!
{Golly.  I didn't see that coming.}  {*yawn*}
The new alien made the net disappear.  He looked kinda strange.  He was dressed in a long, Grecian-style robe, which meant that he was obviously a learned alien, but his body was kinda wobbly.
"I am Oatu, the Watcher!"  he said.
"No I'm not!  I'm an Elinist!"  his belly corrected.  "With an 'i'!"
"And I'm Dot!"  added his knees.
"Be quiet, Dot!"  shouted his belly.
"No, you be quiet!"  the knees shouted back.
"You can Both shaddap!"  The alien's head dropped down through the neck of the robe with a pop.
For a few seconds, it looked like there was a cat-fight going on in the robe; then the alien's head popped out again, and he stood straight.
"Like I was saying,"  he said,  "I'm an Elenist."
"That's 'Elinist' with an 'i'!"  said his knees.
"And I'm Dot!"  said his belly.
The alien pulled out a big gun, with the words "Cold! Don't Touch!" written on its side, and shot Visser 3 and the Spice Girls with it.
They were suddenly frozen in place, with icicles hanging off their noses.
"...And you are... Let me see..."  The alien looked through outsized spectacles at a clipboard that had appeared from nowhere.  In his hand was a huge quill pen.  "Ah.  Here we go!  You're the Animorphs!"  He made a tick on the clipboard with the quill, then tossed both over his shoulder.
"Get on with it!"  said his knees.
"The Pie!  The Pie!"  said his belly.
Since the net had vanished, we all stood up.
"I'm going to show you the future!"  he declared.  A big cream pie appeared in his hand.  "Using the Pie of Future Sightfullness!"
He threw the pie at us!  It split into four, and one tiny one for Tobias, and hit us all in our faces...
{Oh, great!  Not content with hundreds of flashbacks, we've got to have a 'flash-forward', now!  Take it, Rach.}

My name is Rachel, and I was walking through a desolate landscape with the other four Animorphs.
All around us were buildings that had decayed and collapsed.
"Hey, I know this place!"  said Tobias – who was not a hawk, any more.
{Yes he was.}
"Oh, shit!"  said Tobias, as he morphed uncontrollably into a hawk again.  "Look, I'm sorry, Ok?  I'll never say 'Brit' again!"
{You just did.}
Tobias flew off in a huff.
Posh and Sporty Spice approached us, with a woman who looked just like I will, when I grow up.
"We're the Spice Girls!"  they shouted.
"Wha... What happened?"  I asked the me of the future.  "Why is the world in such a mess?"
"Oh, that's an easy one!"  said 'Me', pulling her top down to show more cleavage.  "Kids like us all the world over learned from the Spice Girls that all you have to do to get what you want – what you really, really want – is to flash some skin, and sleep with anyone who can do the work for you.  So the whole world converted to 'Spicegirlism', until there was no-one left to actually do any work – just billions of people trying to get something for nothing!"
"So the world fell apart!"  added Posh, with a beaming, practised-in-front-of-the-mirror smile.  "But that's Ok, because we got everything we wanted before it happened!"
"Wow!"  said Jake, staring goggle-eyed at 'My' chest.  "Is there... Um... is there anything I can do for you?"
The 'Me' of the future wiggled her ass at him.
"Jake!"  I snapped, slapping his face.
It was no use!
Jake and Marco were caught in the trap of Spice Girls and teen hormones!
Cassie and I looked at each other in slow motion.
We two were the world's last hope!
I knew what we had to do.
"Jake!  Marco!"  I shouted.  "If you help us stop this from happening, Cassie and I will give you blow-jobs every day for a month!"
"Wow!"  shouted Jake.  "Really?"
"That's good enough for me!"  shouted Marco.  "Bring us back, Mr. Elinist!"
As we vanished back to the present, I heard Posh say:  "Hey!  Using our own methods against us is not fair!"

-oOo-

My name is Jake, and that's the end of the story.
When we got back, I morphed into a lion, and ripped Sporty Spice to shreds with my claws; and Marco morphed into a mouse, crawled up Posh Spice's ass, then morphed into an elephant.  It took a week to find all the pieces of the exploded Posh.
Having lost their only weapon to use in their plans of world conquest, the Yerks returned to their home planet, and took macrame classes.
Cousin Rachel and Cassie were as good as their word, and at the end of the month, we even carried on seeing each other.
Marco didn't seem to mind that it was black girls who brought AIDS over, and luckily for me, it even turned out that Rachel liked it 'Doggy-Style'.

-oO The End Oo-

---

And there you have it!

The Animorph story was created as part of the 'Scholastic Series' of educational books.

Is it any wonder that kids today are so much thicker than ever before?
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