The fact that I have no memory means that I cannot often perform Recitations, like the one below, without either written notes or idiot boards. Thankfully, no-one seems to mind.
I like to do this one in a North Yorkshire accent, as a form of tribute to that most wonderful and talented of Recitation artists, Stanley Holloway; but I often do it Mancunian voice.
Non-British readers will know Stanley Holloway only as the father of Eliza Doolittle, in My Fair Lady ("I'm getting married in the morning" in a London accent -- go figure); which vehicle gave him piteously little scope to demonstrate his incredible talent and irresistible wit.
I have had numerous requests -- mainly from Americans who won't know the accent, anyway -- to do a phonetic version of the piece; so here it is!
Glossary: Guildhall = City Hall Loo = Toilet Shite = Figure it out!
I got lost on t'way to t'churchyard
I finally found a policeman
'e sent me off down past t'railwey
It were dark
Me left shoe din't wanna come wi'me
...When me stomach were finally empty
So I yelled an' I screamed an' I 'ollered
I coon't tell what t'sound 'ad been made bai
Or South-West or North-east, 'ow should Ah know?
And then, at t'end of t'tunnel
So I ran an' I splashed and I gambolled
When I reached it, I stopped in amaizement
A big door on t'left would not oepen
Two men in strange suits come beyind mih
I asked what the 'ell they were doin'
Then their boss, 'e came down wi'some papers
If I told anyone wharr'ad 'appened
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