I did last night of beer partake
For had I such a thirst to slake
Now I’ve a head I cannot shake
Oh bugger, bugger, bum.

My breast’s a’heaving in my throat
Unfriendly scents drift from my coat
My addled brain’s been cast afloat
Oh where did I go wrong?

‘Twas for a maid, that I’ll allow
A beauty true – so tell me how
A monstrous creature lies here now!
O Lord, what have I done!

I supped the wine, savoured the spice
I did some things that were quite nice
Now comes the time to pay the price
… American Express?

The maid me fixes with a smile
Had I still legs, I’d run a mile
But strength I’ve none; I have but guile
I’m really in the…

I’ll do my duty, pay the toll…
… As father’s shotgun does extol
And keep in back a rubber doll
… I’ve got to have some fun!


So learn ye all from my sad tale
When next ye fall prey to the ale
Oftimes ‘tis best not to be male
Come, join me – Chop it Off!