N
NancyB:a robotic grandmother.
Nand:to be hit repeatedly with a piece of unleavened bread.
Napkin:1. sleep.  2. sleep with your sister.
Natal-Post Depression:dents in shipping caused by inexperienced workers at a recently-started mailing company.
Near Miss:1. a hit  2. a bride that almost didn't make it to her own wedding  3. sexual harassment.
Necromancy (adj):fond of kissing.
Neologism (n):an entry in an early mathematical table.
Neonphobia:the fear of a noble gas; see Xenophobia.
Neutron Bombe:a very small neutron bomb concealed in the dessert served at a particularly kitch resturant, that is frequented by a large selection of neutrotic customers.
Neutrotic:uffering from a neurotic belief that one is about to be irradiated by a exploding neutron bombe.
Newark:what Noah will get round to building one day Real Soon Now.
Newton:what one gets after the old ton is used up.
Nightime:when words are too close.
Nineties:decade in which neckwear became extremely flamboyant.
Nitpick (n):1. A very small and unimportant plectrum.  2. Tool for implanting flea eggs.  3. The best of a lot of hand-made woolens.
Nokia:must remember to replace my doorbell battery.
Nomothete:nocturnal diet.
Nor:up a creek without a paddle.
Norman:cubist.
Notator:who ate all the spuds?
Notice (n):1. a sign on a river-bank for the benefit of would-be skaters.  2. what one says, when one has no luck and is voiceless.
Nutator:a machine to spin spuds on two axes.
 
O
Obscene (wotsit):1. part of a script set in an exterior location.  2. (thinghy): part of a soap opera set in a maternity unit.
Occult bookstore:One that's hard to find.
Occult (interj):That's where I left it!
Octopus (n):1. A cat that only has one life left.  2. The eighth masterpiece from a genius.
Octothorpe (n):1. a politician with eight faces instead of just the usual three  2 (n): a holiday resort eight times more popular than Mablethorpe.
Odometer (n):device displaying the time until your poetic licence expires.
Offended:amputated
Ohm (n):where the 'eart is.
Oklahoma:French tree house (First).
Old flame:grillfriend.
Olympics:post-connubial photos.
Onomatopoeia (n):1. connected with going to the toilet  2. (excl.) Italian instruction in house-training a puppy.
Ontopic (n):1. a passport photograph.  2. something applied to the upper surface of a photograph.
Openings:circular letters.
Operating Theatre:a playhouse that is currently in full working order.
Opostrphe:a comma
Optocus:a swear word uttered when you trip over your own feet.
Oral Examination:multiple choice test.
Out of Hand:    CENSORED    
Out...:interjection expressing a painful death.
Outclass:yer average lesbian.
Outcome:"Ugh..."
Outlaw:openly homosexual piece of legislation.
Outlet:gay-friendly realtor.
Outsider:queer alcoholic apple drink.
Outsource:http://www.popstarz.co.uk.
Outwit:gay humour; one who flunks an Open University degree.
Overwaitea:over-large teabags.
Oxymaroon:a flare with flair.
Oxymeringue:a sponge cake.
Oxymoron:a person so stupid that he/she forgets to breathe.
 
P
Neckropheliac:short guy who cannot reach to grab proper kiss from tall temps.
Pagan Hangover:1. a severed headache  2. the morning after the mid-summer's night before.
Painful:settle one's credit card account each month.
Palate:when a cannibal has his friend round for lunch
Palfreys:quick snack for undertakers.
Palindrome (n):an airfield dedicated to Monty Python.
Pallette (n):a small pall.
Panhandle (v):to become erect in a public place; viz. "I'm like _so_ embarrassed! When they frisked me at the airport I got panhandled!"
Panorama:a cooking supply extravaganza.
Pant:that which follows all passion.
Pant:that which follows all passion.
Paprika:dad's been at the baked beans again.
Parabolic (adj):A kind of, um, metabolism.  Yeah.
Parabolica:When that doctor squeezes too tightly.
Parabolics (n):what takes only one doctor to examine.
Paradox (n):1. two quays.  2. two physicians.
Paradoxical (adj):pertaining to or having the quality of quays that are not quays.
Parasites:what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Parboil:cannibal recipe.
Parentheses:1. young tree about to pass on father's knowledge in Middle Earth.  2. dissertation on genealogy.
Parse (v.t):hat speakers with received pronunciation do with the sote.
Parsnip:1. father's drop of brandy  2. The reason I have no younger siblings.
Parson:1. a twin boy  2 (wotsit): an average child.
Partake:steal somebody's father.
Participant (n):a less than sociable insect.
Participants:those who find electrons in their drawers.
Party Life:insurance policy in the former USSR.
Passivator:a spud that just doesn't care any more.
Patholicism:1. the belief that all roads lead to Rome  2. the belief that all roads lead to misery.
Patholicism:1. the belief that all roads lead to Rome  2. the belief that all roads lead to misery.
PayPal:an online payment system eschewed by Ulstermen.
Peat:to do only once.
Pecial (adj):pelled in an unusual way.
Pecify (v):to supply the missing part for a mortar.
Pecimen:a group of blokes who just lost their shirts at the races.
Pedant:an insect which has lost its driving license due to poor use of hand-signals.
Pedantic (n):1. Clever use of a skateboard.  2. Movements made by a person crossing a street on foot, attempting to avoid autos.  3. a clever move of the feet.
Peer pressure:1. walking through Soho  2. how a seat in the House of Lords feels  3. what a urinal experiences.
Peer-to-Peer Network:House of Lords LAN.
Peer:1. one who pees  2. one who pes.
Peerage (n):anger at finding a dog has urinated on your copy of Burke's
Pentameter (n):device used to measure how fraught one is feeling.
Penult:an ult who writes
Penultimate:what an exhausted stud-swan yearns to reach.
Perimeter (n):device to tell you if your champagne is the Real Thing.
Perpetual Motion:a condition of excessively frequent and loose bowel movements caused by severe Marmite intolerance.
Persiflage: (n)1. A disguise.  2. (v): (to a mime) how, with the face, to represent anal insertion of an imaginary vegetable.
Perverse (adv):how a poet is paid.
Pessary:Oops! Wrong newsgroup.
Pharaoh Hound (excl):"Tut! An' come on!"
Pharmacist:a helper on the farm.
Pharmacist:a helper on the farm.
Phentermine:a marshland that has valuable mineral deposits.
Phil Lip:Duke of Edinburgh.
Philanderer (n):a native of the country which is shaped like a Greek letter.
Philately:1. a much more interesting way for a growing boy to collect stamps.  2. to plan the broadcasting day for a television station in England.
Philistine (excl.):brusque British tourist's request to a German bar tender.
Philology:words of love
Philosophy:love, oh so love.
Phlegm:the cause of bad breath in dragons.
Phobic:frightened of biros.
Phonetics (doodah):(Irish) talking politely when using electronic telecommunications equipment.
Phonograph (n):a person's signature sent by fax, ex. "I require your authorisation for the order -- can I have your phonograph please?"
Phonology (n):the ability to tell who are your enemies simply by listening to their voices.
Photographing:drawing from memory.
Phylactery (n):udder love.
Phyllo Dough (n):The root of all evil.
Pier Pressure:"Come to Brighton with us. You know you'll love it, really. Come on, it'll be great!"
Pier (n):1. one who delights in calculating the ratio of a circle'scircumference to its diameter  2. one who spills drawers of type in a printer's shop  3. a maker of pork and pastry delicacies.
Pilgrim:how children feel about taking medications -- especially when they taste bad.
Pillow:a failed attempt to swallow a large foreign object.
Pine:a tree with a lingering, nostalgic desire.
Piste:what you get before shouting for help.
Pistol(n):a fee for the use of a public restroom.
Piston:the result of 14 pints of lager.
Plagiarist (n):Anopheles mosquito.
Plankton:weight of a very heavy, narrow bridge.
Plant Life:factory insurance policy.
Plateau (n):A flat philospher.
Pliant (n):a fun-loving rich southern insect.
Plumber:One who exposes saboteurs, as well at "buttocks cleavage."
Plutocracy:dogged stupidity.
Pocket Editions (v):What thieves do in book shops.
Poetry (n):the first draft of "The Raven"
Polarize:what penguins see with.
Polite:1. bedside lamp.  2. Teletubby bedside lamp  3. stamp machine.
Political:how to make a parrot laugh.
Polosing:1. to perform a vocal concert while/whilst wearing pullover shirts.  2. a vocal performance while sucking a small mint.  3. the note attained by blowing through the hole of said confection.
Polycarbonate:1. A tough, clear plastic used to make football helmets, capacitors, and bird cages.  2. avian antacid.
Polyfiller:high-calorie parrot food.
Polygamous (adj):Having multiple calves.
Polygamy (n):1. A well-hung dead parrot.  2. A froup of assorted pygmies.
Polygon:deceased parrot.
Polymer:nautical parrot
Polynesia (n):Loss of memory about parrots.
Polynomial (adj):1. referring to that custom among certain parrot societies to give ceremonial names to tribal elders.  2. (n) threat to a noisy parrot.
Pomeranian:Briton resident in Australia.
Pond Life:insurance policy exclusively for the French.
Poodle:pooper-scooper for dogs with diarrhoea.
Pornocoptery (v):Taking feelthy peectures while hovering.
Portent:temporary refuge for the under-privileged.
Post mortem:The Royal Mail is on strike again.
Post-Natal Depression:1. a dent left in the ground by a dropped baby  2. a dent left in the head of a baby dropped on the ground  3. the realisation that one's wife was too friendly with the mailman.
Posthumous Postings:pretty powerful paranormal phenomena.
Postnegative:1. a letter containing bad news.  2. see Cathode.  3. a pit.
Potater (n):a spud belonging to a Teletubby. Synonyms: lalatater, dipsytater, tinky-winky-tater.
Pre-Natal Depression:sadness experienced before setting off for South Africa.
Precert:1. channel identifier at end of program segment, just before the commercials begin  2. something you take before you have a breath mint.
Premesis (n):the beginning of ones end (insert apostrophe according to taste).
Preserve:the days before the internet.
Presidency:a capitol offence in the United States.
Prestidigitation:the act of having one's finger on the button.
Prestidigitator:A journalistic spud (v. small) capable of slight of hand.
Priapic (n):the embarrassing photograph before the treatment took effect or, in this day and age, after the treatment took effect.
Priest:happy Japanese.
Primate:removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Primate:removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Printed Morse:Braille for the sighted.
Privy Seal:getting way too friendly with an aquatic mammal.
Probiotic:given to probing erotically (for pleasure).
Procreation (n):1. the act of being paid to make babies.  2. The process of taking a human creature made up largely of muscle with little or no viable brain tissue, and turning it into a professional sports figure.
Prodigious:1. excessively devout but not Catholic (N. Ireland)  2. gifted in getting the attention of another party with a well-aimed index finger  3. in favor of excavation  4. in support of fingers.
Profiterole (adv):Courtesan's financial objective.
Profligate (n):a Japanese ship acceptable for use in shipping.
Prolapse:1. forgetting to pick up her fee  2. a lower class niche  3. in favour of sitting down  4. track circuits done by someone who gets paid for it.
Proliferate (n):amount paid to buy a vote from an anti-abortionist.
Prolific (n):opposed to the death penalty.
Prometheus:inclined to get smashed on wood alcohol.
Pronoun (n):distinction in the oldest profession.
Pronouncement (n):a declaration that you and I will stick together.
Proofreader (n):one who habitually verifies the alcoholic content of anything he drinks.
Proofreader (n):one who habitually verifies the alcoholic content of anything he drinks.
Propagate (n):the correct means of entry.
Property (thingy):what you might drink in India, China or Ceylon.
Prosthetic:toilet humour that makes one groan.
Protection racket:noise made by a very squeaky condom.
Protestant:North Korean insect.
Prototype:1. by day, secretary, by night, hooker  2. one in favour of secretaries.
Protractor (n):a Hummer driven by a hooker.
Provision:a beautiful whore.
Pseudonym:a statement uttered at a dentist's office, meaning "sort of numb".
Pulitzer Prize (n):a chicken dish, notable chiefly for the delicacy of its portions in comparison to the picture on the menu.
Punctilious:as attentive to minor details as Matilda, the juvenile delinquent.
Punctuation (n):a Sex Pistols performance.
Punitive Damages:penalty for unfunny remarks.
Pupate:how one's favourite slippers met their doom.
Pyrexia (oojamafluff):1. Eating disorder, characterised by eating too many casseroles.  2. a rise in a person's temperature usu. due to  excitment of a forthcoming casserole dish exhibition.  3. The crime of hitting a king with the old custard flan joke.
 
Q
Qua:the front end of a pantomime quagga.
Quad Latch:university gatekeeper.
Quay:1. A small flightless fish.  2. The middle third of a te-quay-la.
Query:1. [adj] Not quite right  2. [n] Chemically unsound drug.
Quualude:to alude with added 'qua'.
 
R
Rabbitfish:gamekipper's supper.
Random:a condom with a ladder in it.
Rapport (n):French musical artist who speaks, rather than sings, lyrics.
Rapscallion (n):a spring onion that recites over a strong rock beat.
Razor:someone who makes Mark's cellar floor bumpy.
Reappear (vi):going back into the orchard to resume your fruit-picking.
Recently (adv):the Astronomer Royal disguising himself as a tree.
Recipie:instructions on how to make a pie.
Recreation (n):The pastime of making things new again.
Rectum:What the Indy 500 driver did to two cars.
Recuperate:to cover Daphne and Celeste's 'School's Out' in the style of the original version.
Recursive (adj):wearing again.
Recycle:back on your bike!
Red setter (n):brightly coloured jelly mould.
Redoubt (v):not to be sure of again.
Refusal:adjudication.
Regicide:1. the removal of a yet another nobleman (see Circumcision, Countdown, Deduction, Discount).  2. the removal of the host of a vile quiz show.
Reincarnation:to restrain a flower.
Relief:what trees do in the spring.
Remiss (v):to revert to one's maiden name.
Remission (n):divorce.
Repulse:to throb again.
Researching:Stealing but with credit.
Reserve:concerning an ISP
Resistance (v):to sistance again, like we did last summer.
Resolve (v):o get the answer again.
Restarant (n):kwitcherbitchin
Restaurateur (n):one who evaluates naps.
Resurrect (n):a barber sketch in a Yiddish vaudeville theatre.
Retail:a highly specialised branch of taxidermy.
Reuben (v):what rich young dandies do when they go out in the country for a lark.
Reverse (v):rewrite to make inverse.
Revolution:when the people rise and get out curly upper case "d" back.
Reward:1. another drawback.  2. to move a patient within a hospital
Rex Reed:Command to an intelligent dog.
Rhetorical (adj):referring to Mr. Butler from Gone with the Wind.
Rhettoric:not giving a damn, Scarlett.
Rhinoceros (n):person who finds large noses to be sexually exciting.
Rice rink:a frozen paddy field.
Rightondia:a[n] Utopian country where everything is right-on.
Roman:a mover of small boats.
Rotate:menu.
Rotator:1. fish eggs and spuds.  2. a machine to spin spuds.
Rottweiler:worse encryption system than Rot-13.
Royal Family:an oxymoron.
Royalist:what one hopes to get on if one is one.
Royalties:weddings which are impossible to avoid.
Ruminants (n):persons who never leave their studio apartments.

 

 

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