(The Spice Girls are walking down the shore of a beach
talking to each other.)
Posh Spice: My word, it's really beautiful here. It almost reminds me of the time I made love on the beach to this guy
Ginger Spice: Oh? Which one of thousands was that?
Posh: Well, I think it was Hey! Were you just insulting me?!?
Ginger (smiling): Of course not!
Posh (under her breath): Bitch.
Sporty Spice: You know, it almost reminds me of that TV show Baywatch.
Scary Spice: You watch that trashy show?
Baby Spice: Tee hee hee!
Sporty: Well, yeah. Doesn't everyone?
Scary: Isn't that the show where all those buxom women run around on a beach all day long?
(A string of drool forms on Sporty's lip as this is being said. She appears to be daydreaming.)
Posh: Hello? Wake up!
Sporty: Mmmm Pamela (awakens form daze) What? Where? Oops! Sorry! My mind er wandered for a second
Scary: I was asking you; isn't that the show that people watch just to be turned on by hot girls?
Sporty: Yeah? What's your point?
Ginger: I remember one time when I used a camera to tape a sunset on a beach just like this one Well, actually, it was some guy using the camera and I was standing naked in front of the sunset but it was the same idea.
Posh: Well, I do remember clearly that I walked on a beach just like this last week in New Jersey aside from the needles and dead birds on the shore, it was a blast. I had this portable stereo with me, and I remember that it needed batteries
Ginger: So it was YOU who took my batteries! You evil slut! Come here!
(Posh and Ginger disappear in a cloud of smoke, from which expletives can be heard, accompanied by flying fists and blood.)
Scary: Will you two stop it? I sense an important plot element coming up soon.
(The two stop, reluctantly. Each is covered with scratches and tooth marks. Suddenly, a magical portal opens in front of them.)
Sporty: What the ?
(From the portal, five girls emerge. They look exactly like the Spice Girls, with only subtle differences.)
Posh: My God! That's the strangest mirror I've ever seen!
Scary: You stupid ho! It's not a mirror; it's a portal of some kind!
Ginger (addressing the newcomers): Who are you? Female impersonators?
Bizarro Spice Girls: We are your doubles from an alternate dimension.
Spice Girls: Huh?
Bizarro Baby (to other Bizarro Spice Girls): You see? I told you they wouldn't be smart enough to understand.
Bizarro Scary: We should explain it in terms that they can understand. (turns to Spice Girls, and speaks, carefully enunciating each word) We from other place. We are your doubles. We more smart than you.
Spice Girls: Ohhhhhh
Scary: Are you guys our exact doubles?
Bizarro Ginger: Actually, no. We are very different from you, except for appearance. For example, I am a non-threatening virgin who fights against pornography.
Bizarro Posh: And I am a woman who does not believe in plastic surgery. I also seek out relationships based on love and not money.
Bizarro Scary: I am a well-behaved, well-groomed girl who has never touched drugs in her life.
Bizarro Sporty: I'm a heterosexual feminine woman who doesn't enjoy men's sports at all.
Bizarro Baby: And finally, I am a super-intelligent, witty, and attractive girl.
Bizarro Spice Girls: And we ALL have singing talent!
Spice Girls: Wow! You guys really are our opposites!
Ginger: But why are you here?
Bizarro Posh: I think Baby here had better explain it.
Bizarro Baby: You see, we have, in our society, the technological ability to view other dimensions and enter them at our leisure
Sporty: Gosh, I've never heard of such a thing!
(Suddenly, a new portal opens a few feet away. A portly man with a beard exits, followed by a black man with a moustache, a petite girl with short hair, and a boy with a device in his hand.)
Boy (to Spice Girls): Excuse me, but do you know if my mom's gate squeaks in this dimension?
Fat Man (with a British accent): Quinn, how much time do we have here?
Boy (looks at device in his hand): Oh shit! We're leaving in five seconds!
Black Man: This can't be our world. We didn't have anything that looked that skanky in our world (motioning to the Spice Girls). Let's get outta here, Q-Ball.
Girl: Yeah, let's get out of here!
(The device in the boy's hand emits a beam, which opens a new portal. All four jump through.)
Bizarro Sporty: Those idiots! Haven't they realized that they've gotten back to their own world at least three times? (sighs)
Posh: What was all that about?
Bizarro Ginger: Oh, nevermind where were we?
Bizarro Baby: Ahem! As I was saying, we have the ability to see into and jump to other dimensions. And, quite frankly, we were appalled by what we saw here.
Ginger: Which was?
Bizarro Posh: You five, of course! We can't have you all running around with no talent looking like prostitiutes from the East Landis Motel!
Bizarro Scary: Yeah! It makes us look bad if our doubles are making fools of themselves!
Bizarro Ginger: Imagine! Brainwashing all those innocent teenagers into thinking that you have talent!
Sporty: What are you going to do about it?
Bizarro Spice Girls: Kill you, of course!
Ginger: Not if we can help it! Girl Power!
Spice Girls: Girl Power!
Bizarro Sporty: You see? That "Girl Power" shit is exactly what we're talking about!
(The Spice Girls begin attacking the Bizarro Spice Girls. The Bizarro Spice Girls, in turn, fight back with even better skills. Eventually, the battle leaves the Spice Girls flat on their backs on the ground.)
Bizarro Ginger: You see? We're even better fighters than you are!
Scary: Oh yeah? Well, you're never going to beat us that way! We're not that unevenly matched!
Bizarro Baby: She's right, you know.
Bizarro Posh: You're right. Are you girls thinking what I'm thinking?
(The Bizarro Spice Girls all nod in unison. Suddenly, a new portal opens behind them.)
Bizarro Baby: Oh, I do think I forgot to mention something. You see, our society has also managed to perfect the art of warfare!
(The Bizarro Spice Girls reach into the portal, and each pulls out a different weapon.)
Bizarro Ginger (spraying clips from a submachine gun): Die! Die! Die!
(The other Bizarro Girls follow suit, covering the beach in a blanket of bullets, shells, and smoke. The Spice Girls leap out of harm's way.)
Ginger: Ha! You missed us!
Bizarro Baby: Oh, dammit! We're out of clips!
Bizarro Posh: Oh well. I guess this gun is useless, then.
(Bizarro Posh lobs the shotgun she is holding gun away in a random direction. It hits the ground and fires its single remaining shot. The bullet lands directly in Posh's skull.)
Sporty: Oh my ! Posh! Are you alright?
Posh (appearing unfazed by the bullet in her head): Yes, of course. Why do you ask?
Sporty: I was worried that you would have you know brain damage
Bizarro Sporty: These girls are complete idiots!
Bizarro Baby: Every attempt to kill them has failed! What can we do?
(The Spice Girls gather in a small cluster together.)
Ginger: Ha! This just proves that we're the best! Girl Power will beat all!
Spice Girls (chanting): Girl Power! Girl Power!
(Suddenly, out of the sky, a large Police Box falls directly on top of the Spice Girls, crushing all five instantly. An English gentleman steps out and looks around.)
Dr. Who: Oh, damn! This isn't Wales! Ooo lovely sunset, though!
(He puts on a hat and walks away from the Police Box, heading into the nearby town.)
Bizarro Baby (watching him walk away): Well that was certainly unexpected
(Bizarro Scary walks over to the Police Box, and examines a foot sticking out of the bottom. She picks up a stick and begins to poke whatever is showing of the dead Spice Girls.)
Bizarro Scary: I think they're dead.
Bizarro Posh: Well, then! Our work here is complete! Now, then let's get back to our own world!
Bizarro Ginger: Hey, before we go back, does anyone mind if we stop by that world with the giant battery store?
Bizarro Baby: Hey! We have no time for that! You'll have to borrow Posh's!
Bizarro Posh: Like hell she will!
(The Bizarro Spice Girls continue bickering as the portal opens and they step through, back into their own world.)
Copyright 1998, CloudVader Productions. Do not reproduce without
giving the author, Cloud Volpe, due credit.
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