They said it couldn't be done, but here it is; an SGDVD story based around a strategy game. Of course, it helps that this particular game actually has a plot and has video sequences featuring actors such as James Earl Jones and Michael Biehn. Oh, in case anybody's wondering, I've set this story during the time of Tiberian Sun, the most recent game in the series.
Even though this game is currently topping the charts on both sides of the Atlantic and looks set to break all the records for sales, I suppose it's possible that some of you won't have heard of it. If so, you can either find out from one of the many fan sites (Planet Command & Conquer is best) or you can just pop into the club and ask me if you need an explanation of any of the jokes, such as my comments about the Hammerfest rescue mission.
Anyway, that's enough blurb; on with the story.
vs Command & Conquer
By Oliver Mulvey
(We begin with a black screen. For a few seconds, the screen remains blank, then a glowing scorpion's tail logo forms upon it; the symbol of the Brotherhood of Nod.)
Recorded voice (playing over the announcement): Strength through unity! Peace through strength! Power through peace! Kane lives in death!
(The announcement ends and the glowing symbol fades, to be replaced by a view of a television news studio. The Nod symbols plastered over every flat surface leave us in no doubt as to who controls the studio. The news anchor, an insanely grinning young man, address his audience.)
News anchor (sounding supremely happy): Global Defense Initiative forces suffered another setback today, with the destruction of their Cairo base by elite Nod troops. The citizens of Cairo happily received our troops into their city, pleased to be released from G.D.I. tyranny. Reports that Nod efforts were hampered by the forces of Antan Slavik, the Nod traitor executed last week, have proven to be false. Now, in just a few minutes, we'll bring you what you've all been waiting for. That's right; it's tonight's live execution. Boy, have we got a treat for you tonight! We're not content to give you just one execution; oh no, we're going to bring you five. And these aren't just any five traitors, these are the arch-fiends themselves. In just a few moments, we'll bring you the televised deaths of the Spice Girls, whose music has brought suffering to so many. Before that, we bring you a few words from our glorious leader, general Hassan.
(INT: Death chamber. The girls are watching the news broadcast on a screen as preparations are made for their execution.)
Ginger (to Posh): This is all your fault?
Posh: My fault? I wasn't the one who wouldn't take my clothes off when they demanded it.
Ginger: But whose bright idea was it for us to play a concert for the Nod troops in the first place?
Posh: I thought it would be good P.R. for us. God knows, we need it.
Ginger: Good P.R.? They thought we were some kind of secret bio-weapon.
Sporty: I have to agree with Posh on this one. Ginger, you really should have taken your top off, at least.
Ginger: Stay out of this, you sick bitch.
Posh: If you'd have taken your top off, you'd have at least have created enough of a distraction for the rest of us to escape. (She thinks for a moment.) Actually, that's probably not true. After all, you couldn't have shown them anything they hadn't seen before, anyway.
Ginger (furious): What? You bitch.
(Ginger leaps at Posh, but a guard beats her back with the butt of his rifle.)
Posh: Hehe. That was cool.
(The guard thinks 'what the hell' and hits Posh for good measure.)
Scary: This is no time for fighting. We're going to be executed in a few minutes.
Ginger and Posh together: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
(They glare at each other.)
Scary: Jeez, would you just calm down. Here, take a chill pill...
(She holds out a couple of suspicious looking pills. Ginger and Posh ignore her.)
(The Nod executioner approaches.)
Executioner: Any last requests?
Ginger: How about; don't kill us?
Posh: How about; just kill Ginger?
Sporty: How about an hour alone with Posh and a bucket of soapy inflatable frogs?
Posh (disgusted): Eeew.
Scary (popping a couple of pills): Ahhhh... I've already had my last wish.
Baby: Tee Hee!
Executioner: Sorry, I don't think I have any paperclips on me. Anyway, there's no time now. We're on air in two minutes.
(The guards manhandle the girls onto metal couches and strap them down.)
Sporty (delighted): Hey... kinky!
(IVs are pressed into the girls' arms, in preparation for the lethal injections.)
Scary: Wow! Free shit. This might not be so bad after all.
News anchor: And now it's time to say goodbye to the Spice Girls, as we inflict painful deaths upon them.
(The executioner reaches for the switch that will set the girls' deaths in motion. Before he can throw it, the floor in the centre of the room explodes.)
(A Nod burrowing armoured personnel carrier emerges from the ground. Fully armed Nod assault troops pour out of the APC and slaughter the guards in seconds. With the room secured, Commander Slavik and his second in command,Oxanna Kristos, emerge.)
Slavik: What's going on here?
Kristos: Looks like one of Hassan's live executions.
Slavik (gesturing at the girls): Release them.
Kristos: Commander, are you sure? Those are the Spice Girls.
Slavik: If Hassan wanted to kill them, they must be some use after all.
(The Nod troops work quickly to release the girls. As they stand up, Sporty gets her first look at Kristos.)
Sporty: Holy shit. I've died and gone to heaven.
Kristos (mistaking the cause of her happiness): Thank Slavik, he was the one who wanted to save you.
Sporty: You know, I can think of a few way of expressing my gratitude to you...
Kristos (cutting her off): Later. The commander is busy at the moment.
(Slavik and Kristos exit, taking the Nod troops with them. As the sound of gunfire echoes through the building, the girls are left alone.)
Sporty: I don't believe it! I've scored!
Sporty: You heard her; she wants to meet up with me later.
Posh (feigning ignorance): Why would you want to do that?
Sporty (realising her mistake): Oh... err... no reason.
Scary (looking curiously at Posh): Hey, Vic, are those new ear-rings?
(Sure enough, Posh's ear-rings look rather unusual. You didn't expect her to go to her death without them, did you? Anyway, the rings contain a small fragment of a glowing green material.)
Posh: Great, aren't they?
Scary: What is that stuff? Emerald?
Posh: No, it's something new. Tiberium, I think they called it. I didn't really listent to what it was called; all I know is that it's expensive as hell.
(Scary reaches out and touches the material. Suddenly, she jerks her finger back, yelping in pain. She examines the finger and finds it covered with blisters.)
Scary: Ouch! Is that stuff dangerous?
Posh: Who cares? It's expensive, so it must be alright.
(INT: The Philadelphia; the Global Defence Initiative's orbitting command station. General James Solomon and his second in command, Commander Michael McNeil are hunched over a console, watching the events unfolding in the Nod television station.)
Solomon: Damn, that Slavik pisses me off.
McNeil (confused): But, sir, it looks like the Nods are fighting among themselves. Isn't that a good thing?
Solomon: Don't you get it, Commander, Hassan is one of our people. He was supposed to dispose of Slavik and the Spice Girls.
McNeil: I understand why you'd want rid of Slavik, but why kill off the Spice Girls?
Solomon: Have you heard them sing?
McNeil: Yeah, they're pretty bad, but...
Solomon: Pretty bad doesn't come even close to the truth. Prolonged exposure to their music can turn a man's mind into cottage cheese. Played loud enough, their songs can slaughter troops and destroy tanks...
McNeil (interrupting): What did you say? Sir, it's very important that we recover them intact, in that case.
Solomon: What the hell, let's just hit 'em with the ion cannon.
McNeil: But, sir, they could be the breakthrough we've been needing in our sonic weapons research.
Solomon: That's the project your brother's working on, right?
McNeil: That's it. So, can I go and pick them up?
Solomon: If you must. I'll have the Kodiak prepped for you.
(EXT: The Philadelphia. The Kodiak, G.D.I.'s mobile command vehicle, streaks away from the station towards the Earth's atmosphere.)
(INT: The Montauk, Nod's burrowing equivalent to the Kodiak. Slavik and Kristos are seated in the command centre, while the girls are hanging around in the background, trying not to be noticed.)
Cabaal (the Nod central computer): Commander, our forces are in position to begin their attack on Hassan's temple.
Slavik: Excellent. (He gestures to the Spices.) Don't you want to watch this?
Ginger (nervous): Are we in any danger.
Kristos: No. The Montauk will remain underground for the duration of the operation.
Ginger (much happier): Great! Does anybody have any popcorn?
Sporty (gazing at Kristos): Hey, babe...
Kristos: Please, save it until later.. This isn't a good time.
Slavik: Begin the attack.
(The Montauk's main viewscreen changes to display footage of the battle taking place above it. Slavik's forces pour down upon Hassan's defenders, taking them by surprise. As the girls watch, men crawl dying from the wrecks of tanks. Others run screaming as they are drenched by napalm from Slavik's flametracks. The battlefield is awash with blood. Inside the Montauk, Posh surreptitiously checks her nails, Scary snorts a quick line, Ginger contemplates a solo career, Baby plays with a paperclip she has found and Sporty tries to improve her view of Kristos' cleavage.)
(A few minutes later the battle is over. Slavik's victorious forces close in on Hassan's temple. His elite troopers dash inside, killing the remaining defenders. Slavik gives the order for the Montauk to be taken to the entrance to the temple.)
(EXT: Hassan's temple of Nod. The Montauk emerges from the ground. Hassan and Kristos disembark, followed by the girls.)
(INT: Hassan's temple. Slavik has gathered his troops in the main hall. He stands on a podium in full battle dress, while the defeated Hassan is brought before him in chains. A huge viewscreen behind Slavik proclaims Nod slogans in massive letters.)
Slavik (yelling to his troops): Strength through unity.
Troops: Strength through unity.
Slavik: Peace through strength.
Troops: Peace through strength.
Slavik: Power through peace.
Troops: Power through peace.
Slavik: Kane lives in death.
Troops: Kane lives in death.
Slavik (louder): Kane lives in death!
Troops: Kane lives in death!
Slavik (ear-splittingly loud): KANE LIVES IN DEATH!
Troops: KANE LIVES IN DEATH!
Posh: Some of them are looking at us. Quick, shout something meaningless.
Ginger: Erm... GIRL POWER!
(Suddenly, a new voice rings out.)
Voice: Kane lives.
(Everybody turns to the huge viewscreen. The slogans are gone, replaced by Kane's grinning face. Slavik does a double take, but recovers.)
Slavik: Master... you have returned.
Kane: Indeed. Now, Slavik, kill this traitor.
(Slavik draws a dagger and slits Hassan's throat. His lifeless body crashes to the floor.)
Ginger: Oh my god.
Scary: He killed him.
Sporty: He just cut his throat.
Posh: I wonder if we could work something like that into our act. It might liven things up a bit.
(Kane addresses his loyal troops.)
Kane: G.D.I. thought they could kill me. You cannot kill God. Death to G.D.I.
Troops: Death to G.D.I.
Kane: Death to G.D.I.!
Troops: Death to G.D.I.!
Kane: DEATH TO G.D.I.!
Troops: DEATH TO G.D.I.!
Ginger: This is scary. Let's get out of here.
Posh: Much as I hate to say it, slut-bitch is right. These people are almost as weird as some of our fans.
Sporty (clearly thinking of Kristos): Aww! Can't we stay a bit longer?
(INT: The temple's vehicle depot. The girls wander past rows of NOD combat vehicles.)
Scary: Are you sure this is a good idea. Isn't it going to piss them off if we steal one of these?
Posh: I don't really care, just so long as we get away from here.
(Scary still looks uncertain.)
Ginger: I know, let's steal one of those underground vehicles. That way, they won't be able to track us.
Posh: I don't believe it. The mega-bitch has two good ideas in one day. Is this a record?
(The girls pile into a burrowing APC.)
(INT: APC. The girls close the hatch behind them and take a look around the interior.)
Posh: Wow, this thing looks pretty complicated.
Ginger: Don't worry. I'm sure I can drive it. After all, I've got GIRL POWER. Let's see... These pedals are like the ones in a car. This (she points at a joystick) probably works like a steering wheel. And I'm sure this big lever does something important.
(Ginger starts the APC rolling forward, then yanks on the lever. As she expected, the lever caused the vehicle to swivel its nose downwards and tunnel underground. Ginger keeps the APC headed downwards for a few minutes, then levels off and drives forwards until she's sure that she's clear of the Nod compound.)
Ginger: So far so good.
Posh: Where do we go now?
Scary: We're in Egypt, right? I think I heard that Turkey is still under G.D.I. control. If we head North for a while, we should be Ok.
Posh: Sounds good to me. Better get moving, Ginger.
(Ginger does not move.)
Posh: What's up? Has your brain gone into shutdown mode again?
Ginger: How are we supposed to know which way we're going?
(All of the viewscreens just display rock.)
Scary: We could surface again.
Ginger: Are you crazy? We'd get shot.
Posh: Let's just drive in a random direction for a while and hope for the best.
Ginger: Victoria, darling, that's the worst idea I've heard all week.
Posh (glum): I know.
Ginger: Sadly, I can't think of anything better, so I'll have to go along with it.
(INT: The burrowing APC, a few hours later.)
Posh: Can we surface yet?
Ginger: No! How many times do I have to tell you? If we surface, we'll be captured and killed.
Posh: But I need to go to the toilet.
Sporty (grinning): Go ahead, I'm not stopping you.
Posh: I didn't mean in here, you sick bitch.
(INT: The burrowing APC, quite a while later.)
Posh: For fuck's sake, take us up. I can't hold on much longer.
Ginger (grinning horribly): Oooh, is that a promise.
Scary: Actually, I think I need to... erm... pick up some fresh supplies.
Baby: Duh! Tee Hee.
Posh: Really? I never knew you were claustrophobic.
Ginger: Ok, we're going up.
(EXT: The Valley of the Kings. The APC emerges from the ground. On one side of it, several pyramids are clearly visable. The Sphinx looms over the vehicle on the other side.)
(INT: The burrowing APC. The girls peer out the viewscreen at their surroundings.)
Posh: Do you think we're still in Egypt?
Scary: Hey, what's that stuff out there?
(The girls notice for the first time that their vehicle has emerged in the middle of a huge patch of Tiberium crystals.)
Posh (in an awed voice): Tiberium.
Scary: Oh my God! That stuff out there must be worth a fortune.
Posh: I'd say it'd fetch something like five billion, three hundred and sixteen million, four hundred and thirty seven thousand, nine hundred and twelve dollars. Oh, and seventeen cents. I'd need to catch the closing of the Dow Jones to be sure, though.
Sporty: How the fuck did you work that out?
Ginger: Yeah, you've always been crap at maths.
Posh: No, I haven't. Honest.
Ginger: Ok then, what's twelve plus thirteen?
Posh (baffled): Umm... Ah... Erm... thirty seven?
Ginger: You see?
Scary: Wait a minute, I think I see what's going on. (She turns to talk to Posh.) What's twelve dollars plus thirteen dollars?
Posh: That's easy; twenty five dollars.
Scary: See, I told you so. I bet she could even tell us the compound interest on that twenty five dollars over a ten year period, if we asked her.
Posh: Well, assuming a base interest rate of...
(She is interrupted by the roar of a Nod attack cycle, as it speeds past their vehicle. The attack cycle fires a couple of missiles, which narrowly miss the APC, before turning tail and shooting off towards a Nod base a few miles away.)
Ginger: Uh-oh. I think they've seen us. (She squints at the Nod base.) We've got Nod tanks heading in our direction.
Scary: Calm down. We just need to burrow underground again.
Ginger: Right, agreed.
(She pulls upon the lever again. This time, it sticks for a moment, before breaking off in her hand.)
Ginger: Wonderful. Just wonderful.
Posh: Typical. The mega cow has gotten us all killed again.
Ginger: Those tanks are still a few miles away. I bet if we got out and ran for cover they wouldn't spot us.
Scary (gesturing at the Tiberium): You saw what that stuff did to my finger. It'd be suicide to go out there.
Ginger: We could send Posh out as a diversion.
Posh: Up yours, bitch.
Ginger: What's up? (She grins.) I thought you needed to go outside for a moment?
Posh (embarrassed): Not now. Not since they fired those missiles at us.
Ginger (wrinkling her nose): Phew! I thought something smelled bad in here.
Scary: Have we got any weapons?
Ginger: I can't see any.
Scary: Could we outrun them?
Ginger: I doubt it, but we don't have much choice.
(Ginger turns the APC around and heads away from the Nod base at full speed. The pursuing tanks close in rapidly. The lead tank fires a ranging shot, which lands ahead of the APC, showering it with dirt and shards of Tiberium. Several more tanks bring their guns to bear.)
Ginger: I think this is the end. So long, girls, it's been...
(We never get to find out what Ginger though it had been, because her words are drowned out by a sudden cacophany of sounds. G.D.I. Orca attack aircraft soar across the area, destroying several of the Nod tanks. The surviving Nod forces break off their pursuit of the girls and prepare to defend against this new threat. The Kodiak swoops in to land just beyond the edge of the Tiberium field. It's cargo hold opens and a Mobile Construction Vehicle rolls out.)
Posh: Isn't it amazing how these things always seem to happen just when it looks like we're absolutely certain to die.
Ginger: I know. Do you remember that time when Godzilla was just about to step on us?
Scary: Or that time we were about to be torn apart by dozens of angry arachnid warriors?
Sporty: What about the time that people tried to kill us at Posh's wedding?
Posh: Hold on a moment. How did we get out of those situations?
Posh: What do you remember about my wedding?
Scary: I think I remember you marrying the wrong guy.
Posh: Oh, I remember that. The bastard got a fortune out of me in the divorce settlement. But how exactly did we cheat death? And how come I'm married to David now?
Ginger (muttering under her breath): I don't know why you didn't stick with the first guy. He was much better looking.
Scary: That bit's all... blank.
(The girls are interrupted by the voice of Commander McNeil, which blares from their vehicle's radio.)
McNeil: For fuck's sake, we're trying to save your sorry hides. Now get over here so we can pull out before more Nods arrive.
(Ginger points the APC in the direction of the newly deployed G.D.I. base. As the APC leaves the Tiberium field, the ground suddenly explodes in front of it. Ginger swerves hard and narrowly manages to avert a nasty collision. When the girls look out one of the rear windows, they see that a brand new G.D.I. gun turret now stands on what was previously empty ground.)
Ginger: Where the fuck did that come from?
Scary: Have I taken too much again, or is this as weird as I think it is?
(Off to the side of the girls' vehicle a new building shoots up from bare ground. Every few seconds, a door on the building opens and a soldier walks out.)
Posh: Where are those guys coming from? There was nobody there a few seconds ago.
(The APC reaches the Kodiak and rolls into its hold. As the Kodiak takes off, the G.D.I. base folds up and disappears as quickly as it was created.)
(INT: Kodiak command centre. While Chandra and Brink are occupied with flying the Kodiak, McNeil hunches over a command terminal, directing those G.D.I. troops remaining in the battle area. The girls are brought in from the cargo bay by a G.D.I. guard.)
Guard: Sir, we've successfully recovered the Spice Girls.
McNeil: Excellent. I'll deal with them in a moment, once I've eliminated the last of the Nod resistance.
(After a few minutes, the girls get bored. They wander over to where McNeil is sitting and peer over his shoulder. A birds-eye view of the battlefield is shown on the screen. As the girls watch, G.D.I. battle robots finish demolishing the last of the Nod defences and focus their firepower upon the outpost structures.
Posh: What's that?
McNeil: The EVA battle-control terminal. It allows me to give orders to G.D.I. forces in the field and view the battle as it takes place.
Posh: It's not very good, is it?
McNeil: What do you mean?
Posh: Look at the image. It's really blocky.
Scary: Yeah, everything looks really two-dimensional.
McNeil: Hey, don't blame me. We brought in outside contractors to design the system. They spent years making it and promised us that it would be completely revolutionary, but when it finally appeared it turned out to be a huge pile of crap.
Posh: Hmm... is that supposed to be an allegory for something?
Brink: Commander, we are now two hours from our destination.
Sporty (noticing Brink for the first time): Holy shit, do all these command centres have a token attractive female crew member?
Posh: Shut up. (She turns to McNeil.) Where are you taking us, anyway?
McNeil: Hammerfest research base.
McNeil: It's in Norway. Right up at the top, in the Artic circle.
Posh (horrified): Norway? The Artic circle?
McNeil: Calm down. At least it's safe.
Posh: Who cares whether it's safe? I'll freeze to death if I wear anything fashionable.
Scary (trying to difuse the situation): Why are we headed to Norway? Surely our safety so important that you'd risk your troops to pull us out of a combat zone and carry us off to Norway?
McNeil: Girls, we need your help...
(INT: Hammerfest base research facility. The girls are being shown around the facility by the lead researcher, Jake McNeil, brother of Commander McNeil.)
Jake: This is our most important project...
(He gestures to the centre of the room, at the skeleton of a tank with a weird transmitter array fixed on its roof.)
Jake: The sonic disruptor tank. It's designed to focus soundwaves upon the enemy, adjusting their frequency and volume so that they can cut through armour and liquify flesh. So far, we've had mixed results.
(He taps a control and one of the lab's wall rises, revealing four replica tanks. When Jake adjusts another lever, the sonic tank swivels its sound emitters to target the first tank.)
Jake: When we fire white noise, the effects are less than impressive.
(Jake taps a button. The sonic tank gives off a high pitched hum. Slowly, the target tank begins to fall apart. It takes perhaps five minutes for it to be rendered inoperable.)
Ginger: So what's the use of this thing, then?
Jake: We've found that by changing the sounds that are transmitted...
(A technician opens a hatch on the sonic tank and inserts a Britney Spears CD.)
Jake: We can increase the magnitude of the damage.
(The sonic tank adjusts its aim to target the second tank. This time, the hum it gives off seems somehow more annoying. The target tank is disabled in roughly half the previous time.)
Jake: Some sounds...
(The technician replaces the Britney Spears CD with the B*Witched album.)
Jake: Seem immensly destructive.
(The third target tank is reduced to scrap in less than a minute.)
Jake: The level of destruction seems to be directly linked...
(Boyzone replace B*Witched.)
Jake: To the level of annoyance caused by the sounds.
(The fourth tank explodes violently as soon as the sonic tank starts broadcasting.)
Ginger: Holy crap.
Posh: Hey, I want one of those tanks.
Jake: Although this is impressive, we believe that the sonic tank has not yet reached the limits of its capacity. Girls, our studies have shown that your music is the most annoying on the face of the globe. We were hoping that you'd record some new material for us to use as ammunition.
Ginger: Yeah, we could do that. Then we could use the material on our third album.
Scary: Third album?
Sporty: Are we going to bother releasing another?
Ginger (exasperated): Yes!
Sporty: But I wanted to do some solo stuff.
Scary (whispering to Sporty): I bet we could do what ever we wanted if we kicked the bitch out of the band. Mention it to Posh some time.
(Two weeks later)
(INT: Hammerfest barracks, late at night. The girls are fast asleep in the barracks. Outside, the base is quiet, running in a low state of alert. Suddenly, everything goes to hell. A huge explosion rocks the landscape, tossing the girls out of their beds into a confused heap on the floor. Sporty ends up on the bottom of the pile. The lights in the barracks go out. The girls awake with a start.)
Sporty (smug): You couldn't keep your hands off me, could you.
Posh: What? Oh, for fuck's sake, shut up. What's going on?
Ginger: I haven't a clue.
Posh: Nothing new there, then.
Ginger: What? You bitch.
(Ginger and Posh launch into a long overdue brawl. As the blood flies, Scary starts to feel left out and joins in for good measure.)
(The fight stops as suddenly as it began.)
Posh: You always have to spoil it, don't you?
Ginger: Just when it starts being fun.
Sporty: Hey, if you think that's fun, maybe you and I could...
Ginger: Don't finish that sentence.
Sporty (apparently backing off): Oh ok. I wouldn't want to get too close to an ugly bitch like you, anyway.
Ginger (genuinely shocked): Why... you... utter... cow!
(In a fit of rage, Ginger launches a furious attack on Sporty. However, she stops fighting after a few seconds, realising how neatly Sporty has just tricked her.)
(The door opens and a trooper dashes in.)
Trooper: Girls, we need to get out of here. Nod forces have disabled our power grid and are closing on the base. We're evacuating and you have to get to a transport immediately.
Posh: Immediately? What should I wear?
Trooper: Shut up, there's no time. Just get out of here. The last transport is leaving in a few moments.
(The girls dash out of the barracks in their dressing gowns. The door opens on a scene from hell; panic reigns in the G.D.I. base. Troops dash in all directions with no clear orders. Nod artillery shells fall among them, killing dozens. There is a blaze of light as the G.D.I. counter-batteries open fire, but it is too little, too late. On the base's perimiter, a few transport aircraft and carryalls struggle to take off. Before the girls' eyes, one of the transports is hit by an artillery shell as it rises, showering the base with debris. Only a single transport remains on the ground.)
(As the girls dash across the ice towards that transport, Sporty is overwhelmed by a sudden urge to check whether the back of Posh's dressing gown is flapping up. Her concentration wanders for a moment and she slips on the ice. The other girls don't notice her and continue their dash. By the time Sporty regains her feet, the final transport has already left the ground, with the rest of the group on board.)
(INT: G.D.I. transport aircraft. As the girls look back, they see Jake McNeil rallying his remaining troops for a final futile defence of the base.)
Scary: Hold on a moment. Where's Sporty?
Posh: Huh? I thought she was with you.
Ginger: Yeah, me too.
Scary: Oh no. She must still be back there.
Posh: Surely that's a good thing. I got sick of the stupid dyke a long time ago.
Scary: Don't you see? We've left behind the only member of the group who can sing. Hell, all that the rest of us have ever done is lip-synching and backing vocals. We even had MTV ban her video so people wouldn't realise she was much more talented than us.
Posh (alarmed): Does this mean that we won't be able to make any money without her?
(EXT: Hammerfest base. Sporty stands bewildered in the middle of the base as the G.D.I. defences crumble. Nod tanks pour into the base from every direction. Jake McNeil and his forces are finally forced to surrender. As soon as Nod troops have secured the area, the Montauk rises up from the ground and Kristos climbs out.)
Sporty (brightening considerably): Hey, you came for me!
Kristos (misunderstanding Sporty yet again): Damn right I came for you.
(EXT: Ice field near Hammerfest. The transports fleeing from the captured base rendezvous with the Kodiak and land on the ice field.)
(INT: Kodiak command centre. Commander McNeil debriefs the survivors, including the girls. He is interrupted by EVA.)
EVA (the G.D.I. central computer): Commander, we are receiving a transmission from the captured base. I believe Kane wishes to speak with you.
(The message begins. It shows Kane stood in the centre of the captured base. A bloody corpse lies on the ground next to him.)
Kane: Ah, Commander McNeil. As you can see, I've captured your base and killed your worthless excuse for a brother. (He gestures to the corpse on the ground.) I've also captured this sorry specimen, (a hand pushes Sporty into the frame) although I think I'll keep her alive for a while. She may yet be of some use to me. Now, Commander, I'd expect that you'll be wanting your base back. Feel free to come and get it; my troops shall await you.
(The message ends.)
Chandra: Kane's right. We can't allow that base to remain in his hands.
McNeil: Agreed. Prepare for a counter attack upon Hammerfest base. Now, what forces should we deploy?
Chandra: Due to the importance of this mission, I'd suggest we use a full armoured division.
McNeil: Nah, that'd be no fun. We'd better just send three hover-artillery tanks and an amphibious APC full of engineers. Ok, where should we deploy the forces?
Chandra: I'd suggest that we bring the Kodiak in as close to the base as possible, more maximum effectiveness.
McNeil: But that would put us in danger, wouldn't it. No, let's drop our units off in a place where they'll have to navigate miles of Nod infested glaciers before they can reach the target. Last question; who should we put inside the vehicles?
Chandra: We could hand pick the best of our special forces troops.
McNeil: Why bother? Let's just send four of the biggest idiots we can find.
(The room goes quiet.)
Ginger: Why is everybody looking at us like that?
(EXT: Glacier near Hammerfest base. The Kodiak drops briefly into the glacier and deposits three hovering rocket-artillery tanks and a single amphibious APC, before soaring back to safety. We listen in on the G.D.I. radio chatter.)
McNeil (from the Kodiak): Girls, your mission is simple. You are required to maneuver straight down this trench and skim the surface to this point...
Posh (driving one of the hover tanks): Is that supposed to be a Star Wars send-up?
Ginger (driving another hover tank): I think so.
Scary (from the third hover tank): A Star Wars spoof? Hey, that'd be a good idea.
Baby (driving the APC): Tee hee!
(Accompanied by much cursing and with gratuitious displays of driving so bad it doesn't even warrant a mention here, the girls make their way down the glacier.)
(Eventually, the four vehicles come to a ridge, overlooking a plain. Ginger, Posh and Scary bring their tanks to a halt on the edge of the ridge, while Baby waits behind them. There are three Nod units visible on the plain: a gun turret, a tank and a trooper.)
Posh: Let's take these guys out. I've got the turret targeted.
Scary: I've got the tank.
Ginger: I'll take the trooper.
(The rocket packs mounted on the tanks swing to face their targets and then unleash dozens of deadly warheads. Posh's shots strike first; the Nod gun turret is torn apart instantly. Then Scary's shots find their target; the tank's armour provides no protection from the powerful warheads. Finally, Ginger's missiles smash into the trooper. There are dozens of explosions as rocket after rocket finds its target. However, when the smoke clears, the soldier is still standing.)
Posh: You stupid bitch! You missed!
Ginger: I didn't! That was a direct hit.
Posh: Watch me. I'll show you how it's done.
(She fires a salvo of rockets at the trooper. Again, all her shots hit their target. Apart from some slight bruising, the soldier seems unharmed.)
Posh: What the hell?
(Half an hour later. The trooper finally dies as salvos of rockets from all three tanks pummel him.)
Posh: Wow! That certainly sucked.
Ginger: I would have thought that rockets would do much more damage to an unarmoured soldier.
(Several hours later.)
Scary: This is pissing me off. We've been driving around these bloody canyons for ages and we still can't find any way to get up that blasted cliff to the base.
Posh: Whoa, calm down.
Scary: Fuck that!
(Scary fires a salvo of rockets into a nearby cliff in frustration. To her amazement, the cliff smoothly collapses and creates a handy ramp up into Hammerfest base.)
Posh: Hey, that was weird.
(Posh and Ginger fire at several more areas of cliff, all of which remain completely unscathed.)
Posh: This must be the only stretch of cliff-face that would do that.
Ginger: If we hadn't found that out through a sheer fluke, we could have driven around for hours with no idea of what we were supposed to do.
(EXT: Hammerfest base. The hover-tanks approach the base. Moving with uncharacteristic efficiency, the girls manage to destroy most of the Nod resistance before they have a chance to defend. The tanks escort the APC into the base. An unarmed engineer carrying a briefcase jumps out of the APC.)
Posh: Where the hell are you going?
Engineer: I'm going to capture that constuction yard.
(He points to the base's constuction yard, which is still swarming with Nod troops.)
Posh: Are you crazy? They'll slaughter you.
(The engineer just gives Posh a strange look, before dashing into the Constuction yard. As soon as he touches it, the yard changes colour and the Nod defenders disappear.)
Scary: Oh man, what have they been cutting my supply with?
(With the base back under G.D.I. control, the girls move their tanks to the centre of the base and climb out.)
Posh (yelling): SPORTY!!!
Ginger (likewise yelling): MEL, ARE YOU HERE?
Scary: Maybe she's hiding and afraid to come out.
(Posh's face takes on a crafty expression.)
Posh (not yelling, but still speaking very loudly): I feel a strange urge to take my top off.
(There is no reply.)
Posh: It's very cold here with my top off. I do so wish my good friend Sporty was here to keep me warm.
Posh: It's no good. She's not here.
(Her radio crackles to life.)
McNeil (over the radio): Girls, we've managed to track Kane. He seems to have rebuilt his Sarajevo temple and he's holding your friend prisoner there. He's put together some Tiberian missile, which he intends to use to contaminate every human on the face of the Earth. We're coming in to Hammerfest to collect the sonic tanks. Await pickup. McNeil out.
(The Kodiak lands next to the girls, who board it.)
(INT: The Kodiak, grounded in a canyon, just north of Sarajevo. The Kodiak has been forced to land by an ion storm so intense that it makes flying impossible. While they wait for the storm to clear, McNeil and the girls watch the progress of the battle of Sarajevo on the main screen.)
(Things are not going well for the G.D.I. forces. Outnumbered by the Nod troops and at a technological disadvantage, they are in danger of being totally annihilated.)
Ginger: Ack, I can't take this waiting any longer. Our careers are over if we can't rescue Sporty.
Scary: Is there no possible way we could get to her?
McNeil: Hold on, there may be one way.
(Umagon, the seductive Tiberium-mutated commando, enters the command centre.)
Posh: Wow! Babe alert.
Ginger: What the fuck?
Posh: Sorry. I was just trying to fill in for Sporty.
McNeil: Umagon, I want you to take an APC and sneak these girls into Kane's temple.
Umagon: You're sending Kane hookers?
McNeil: Well... in a way.
(EXT: Sarajevo battlefield. The G.D.I. forces are on the brink of collapse. Nod troops gather for yet another offensive. A lone G.D.I. APC manages to approach the temple of Nod through the midst of the chaos. A hatch opens and Umagon leads the girls into the depths of the temple.)
(The battle continues to rage. Nod forces push forwards again and this time they succeed in destroying G.D.I. most powerful unit on the field, the Mammoth Tank Mark II. G.D.I. forces turn tail and dash for the protection of their base. Nod forces pursue them closely. Slavik brings the Montauk to the surface, so that he might directly participate in Nod's final victory.)
(Suddenly, as all seems lost for G.D.I., the Kodiak flies into view. It lands in the midst of the fleeing G.D.I. force and sonic tanks pour out of its cargo bays. The sonic tanks line up facing the advancing Nods and prepare to fire.)
(They send their hideous din on its way across the battlefield; a horrific mix of old and new Spice Girls songs, amplified to ear-splitting volumes. The sound waves tear the Nod battle lines apart. Soldiers die screaming as the flesh melts off their bones. The Montauk is caught in the sonic blast and is atomised. The balance of power shifts in G.D.I.'s favour.)
(INT: Temple of Nod command centre. Umagon and the girls storm into the command centre, only to find Kane sat alone in the middle of the room.)
Kane: So, you found me. I have to say, you did better than I expected.
(There is a loud bang in the distance.)
Umagon: You've lost, Kane. Your Tiberium missile has been destroyed and your forces are fleeing.
Kane: Oh, I've not lost. I've won a great victory. You five are the lucky ones. You shall be the first to witness the next evolutionary stage of the human race.
(Kane presses a button. A wall of the command centre rises to reveal Sporty. However, Sporty has changed. She is covered with borg-like cybernetic implants and those areas of her which have not been mechanised have clearly been exposed to massive amounts of Tiberium.)
Kane (pointing to Umagon): Melanie, kill her.
(Mutant-Sporty charges Umagon. Umagon is a fast and agile fighter, but she is no match for the superhuman strength of mutant-Sporty. After being thrown around a few times, she reaches for her gun. Before she can draw it, mutant-Sporty leaps upon her, pinning her gun-arm to the ground. Mutant-Sporty reaches out to Umagon's throat and blocks her windpipe.)
Umagon (gasping for breath): Distract her.
Scary: We don't have a chance.
Ginger: We're no match for her.
Posh: Quick, Ginger, take your top off.
Scary: Yeah, if that's Sporty in there, then that might work.
Ginger: No way. Why does it always have to be me who takes my top off? Posh should do it.
Posh: Piss off. You're the complete slut around here.
Ginger: You bitch.
(Ginger leaps at Posh and the two start fighting. After a few moments, Posh lunges at Ginger with her fingernails, while Ginger tries to tear at Posh's face. Both miss their targets and they manage to tear each others' tops open. Mutant-Sporty immediately stops her attack on Umagon and advances on Posh and Ginger.)
Mutant-Sporty: Grr... me... like.
Posh and Ginger (frantically trying to cover themselves up): Uh-oh.
(As soon as Mutant-Sporty releases her, Umagon draws her gun and pumps several rounds into Mutant-Sporty. Mutant-Sporty collapses to the floor, dead.)
Kane (furious): You idiots! Don't you see what you've done? You could have had it all. Power, money...
Ginger: Is that 'power' as in 'Girl Power'.
Posh: Go on, Kane, we're interested.
(As the girls and Kane negotiate, Umagon sneaks out of the room. She dashes out of the temple of Nod and activates her radio.)
Umagon: McNeil, I need to you to hit the temple of Nod with an ion cannon blast. Now!
(EXT: Battlefield. All activity on the battlefield comes to a halt as an immense bolt of white fire lances down from orbit and strikes the temple of Nod. In the command centre, Kane and the girls only have time to scream before the intense heat obliterates them. With their temple destroyed, the remaining Nod forces surrender.)
(EXT: Kodiak command centre, later that day.)
Umagon: I still don't get it. If we had the ion cannon all along, why didn't we blow Kane's temple up with it, rather than having that huge battle first.
McNeil: Because that wouldn't have been as much fun. Besides, we wouldn't have killed the Spice Girls that way.
Umagon: Good point. It's nice to know that we're still the good guys.
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