(The Spice Girls are on the Japanese leg of their world tour. The story begins with all five of the little tramps on their tour bus, speeding towards their next show.)
Posh Spice: You know, I've heard they have great plastic surgeons in Japan! I'm thinking about checking one out over here.
Ginger Spice: Oh, please. You've had so much work done, it puts Cher to shame!
Posh: Oh! Listen to this! This is coming from the mouth of the little slut who posed for all of those magazines!
Ginger: Why, you silicone-enhanced bitch! I'll kill you!
(Ginger lunges forward to initiate a cat-fight. Scary Spice moves from her seat to stop them.)
Scary: That's enough, you two! Do you want a repeat of that incident in Bangladesh? Do you two remember how much we had to pay in damages and fines?
Ginger: Yeah, you're right. (to Posh) I'm sorry Vic. I didn't mean to call you a bitch.
Posh: And I didn't mean to bring up your seedy past. You know, the past, where you took all leave of your senses and removed your clothes just so a few horny guys could
Ginger: I get the point! Apology accepted!
Baby Spice: (giggles) Duhhhh
Scary (looking at the obviously mentally deficient Baby Spice): Does anyone else think we should've gotten someone else to be the cute, blonde airhead of the group?
Posh: Not a day goes by when I regret becoming her friend.
Sporty Spice (gazing out the window): Oh my God! Did you guys just see that?
All: What? What?
Sporty: There was this woman walking by on the sidewalk, and boy did she look good! I mean, she was so hot! I can see why some women go for other women. (looks at the rest of the group, who are collectively staring back incredulously) Er I mean uh not that I like girls or anything. You know, because that would be weird right? I can just uh see what men are attracted to that's all (screams) God! Would you guys stop looking at me? I'm perfectly comfortable admitting I'm not straight (long pause) Gay! That's what I meant; I'm not gay! I'm not! Really!
(The rest of the group returns to reminiscing about Ginger's days as a slut not taking notice of Sporty's speech.)
Sporty: Oh my! Look at that!
Posh: What, did Cindy Crawford just walk by?
Baby: Hee hee hee! Duhhhh
Sporty: No! It's it's it's a giant lizard that breathes fire! He appears to be attacking that building over there while dozens of Japanese people run frantically in his path instead of taking cover!
Ginger: Hmmmm It looks like this innocent Far Eastern city needs some (cue dramatic music) GIRL POWER!
Scary: What the hell are you talking about? (end dramatic music abruptly) Girl Power can't kick the ass of a giant lizard!
Ginger: Sure it can! We're the Spice Girls! We have Girl Power on our side! We can beat anything!
Baby: Tee hee hee! Duhh
Scary: Hey, you're right! How silly of me! Driver! Driver!
(The bus's driver turns around to face the girls.)
Driver: Yeah? What the hell do you crazy bitches want this time? Tell that Sporty Spice I'm not loanin' her any more of my Hustler magazines!
Sporty (sweating nervously): Uh honestly, guys; they have really great articles in there. I mean um last month, there was this one
Posh: We need you to turn this bus around and point it towards that giant lizard attacking the city!
Driver: Are you FUCKING nuts!?!? How much crystal meth did you idiots take this morning? There's no way in hell I'm going anywhere near that thing!
Ginger: No one can stop Girl Power! Mel! Get rid of him!
(Sporty Spice leaps across the bus seats and lands directly next to the driver. She begins to show off her various martial arts skills. The bus driver looks unimpressed.)
Sporty: So, are you gonna leave that seat peacefully so one of us can drive, or do I have to remove you forcibly?
(The driver hesitates for a second, then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a sawed-off shotgun, which he then aims at Sporty's knees. Each of her kneecaps disappears in an explosion of blood and bone when the trigger is pulled.)
Driver (looking at the gun in his hands): Never leave home without this beauty. When I was a cabby in New York, you wouldn't believe how many carjackers this little bastard took out. (looks at Sporty) Oh, what the hell. You girls can have the bus. I got my pension to keep my beer bottles full. Sayonara, girls!
(The Bus Driver promptly heads out of the bus and begins walking towards the nearest bar. The other Spice Girls rush towards Sporty, who is lying on the ground in a pool of her own blood. She does not appear to be feeling much pain.)
Baby: Oh my gosh! Doesn't that hurt? Hee hee hee!
Sporty: Nah, I'm man enough to take the pain er I mean Oh, forget I said anything.
(Sporty begins to fake crying, just to prove that she isn't really a man. Ginger jumps behind the wheel of the bus.)
Ginger: It's time to show Godzilla what Girl Power can do!
Posh: Wait, how did you know the lizard's name was Godzilla?
Ginger: I I I mean Aren't all giant lizards from the Pacific Ocean named "Godzilla"?
Posh & Ginger (simultaneously, under their breaths): Bitch!
(The two look at each other, and flash a fake smile, neither one noting that they have been insulted by the other. Ginger hits the accelerator and begins speeding towards the monster.)
Ginger: GIRL POWER!
(As the bus nears closer, Godzilla lifts his giant foot off of the ground.)
All: GIRL POWER! GIRL POWER!
(The lizard brings his mighty foot down.)
All: GIRL PO-
(The voices of the Spice Girls are instantly silenced, as their bus is turned into a pancake. Godzilla mutters something about his mission being complete before heading back to his home in the ocean. After cleaning crews sift through the rubble and flat-as-paper tour bus, the bodies of the Spice Girls are sent back to their home country of England in five separate manilla folders.)
Copyright 1998, CloudVader Productions. Do not reproduce without
giving the author, Cloud Volpe, due credit.
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