Foreward from Cloud: Sorry for putting in so many references to Jurassic Park: the novel, but I simply couldn't resist. After all, the novel was better in every way, shape, and form compared to the movie. Plus, I squeezed in a couple Lost World references/insults too (because I thought that The Lost World was the biggest waste of film since Mortal Kombat: Annihilation). As always, if you have any questions about some of the sub-references, e-mail me and I'll explain.
(A helicopter is flying rapidly towards an island off the coast of Costa Rica. On board the chopper, of course, are Dr. Alan Grant, Dr. Ellie Sattler, Ian Malcolm, and John Hammond.)
Malcolm (to Sattler): so there she was, just sitting there acting all nonchalantly, and I said, "Hey! How can you act so calm right now? I thought we were going to you know " And she looked really confused, and I said, "Oh! You think that this is my leg."
Sattler (to Grant): Alan, I'm scared.
Grant: Oh, now there's no need to worry. I'm sure that the dinosaurs aren't going to
Sattler: No, I mean of this guy! (She points to Malcolm, who points to himself innocently.)
Sattler: Alan, he hasn't stopped coming on to me since we got on the helicopter.
Grant: Now Ellie, I'm sure that's an exaggeration
Sattler: Exaggeration? Grant, the first thing he asked me to do was sit on his lap so we could discuss the first thing that came up!
Malcolm: It was a purely mathematical idea!
Sattler: Involving what kind of math, pray tell??
Malcolm: Why multiplication, of course.
Hammond: Now listen, you five we're almost there
Grant: There are three of us.
Hammond: That's what I said! You're all free!
Sattler (sighing): I know he was happy about the park and all but did he have to go and drink the entire bottle of champagne by himself?
Hammond: Excuse me miss but are you a thief?
Sattler: No, I'm a paleont
Hammond: Because I was wondering who stole the stars and put them no, damn, that's not right
Sattler: Will the bad pick-up lines never END?
Grant: Probably. We're landing now.
(The helicopter lands on the ground safely, and all three sober passengers shuffle out while Hammond stumbles a bit and falls flat on his face. He gets up takes another step, and falls again. This process repeats until he reaches the rest.)
Hammond: Oh my, I have had a lot to drink, haven't I? I can't seem to remember how to walk
Malcolm: Um, if I could refresh your memory, I do believe a cane was involved at some point.
(Hammond, about to drunkenly protest, realizes that Malcolm is correct, and stumbles back to the open helicopter to get the cane.)
Hammond: Now then, welcome to Jurassic Park!
(The large double doors housing the entrance to the park open, revealing the lush greenery inside.)
Sattler: Oh, it's beautiful!
Hammond: If you think that's beautiful, my dear, just wait until you see my Jurassic Pric (Sattler kick Hammond in his bad leg. HARD.)
(It is several hours later in the control center, and the group has just witnessed the birth of the baby raptor.)
Grant: I can't believe you bred these things! Are you people out of your fucking minds?
Dr. Wu: Oh, come on, you're overreacting.
Grant: Overreacting? These things are the most vicious, vile, cold, calculating, evil animals ever to inhabit the earth!
Wu: Well, yeah, but they're so cute when they're little!
(As this is being said, the doors to the lab open, and a poor worker with an armful of suitcases stumbles through, and collapses from exhaustion on the ground. Right behind him, the Spice Girls walk into the lab.)
Posh (to the fallen worker): Hey, I didn't say you could have a break! The other nine tenths of my luggage is still waiting outside!
Ginger: Yeah, we mustn't forget her royal bitch's accessories!
Posh: Damn right hey, wait a minute what did you call me?
Scary: Now is not the time or the place, you two. We're in a very sophisticated lab here, and the last thing they want to see is you damaging their equipment by pounding each other's heads into it!
Sporty: Speaking of expensive equipment Baby shouldn't be around so many blinking lights for too long.
Baby: Tee hee?
Malcolm: And also speaking of expensive equipment (to Ginger) How much for forty minutes, baby?
Ginger: Oh, only a dollar twent I mean how dare you!
Sattler: John! The Spice Girls? Why are the Spice Girls here?
Hammond: Well, I figured that the park would need some form of musical entertainment, so (Grant and Sattler simply cross their arms and glare at Hammond.) Oh, I was piss drunk! What did you expect?
Grant: Do you think it's a good idea to have civilians around for something like this?
Hammond: Oh, what could possibly go wrong?
Malcolm: Well, according to some bullshit math book I wrote, something chaotic is bound to happen.
Sattler: You can calculate chaos in a theme park from a math formula?
Malcolm: Of course! (long pause) Well, not really. I was stoned when I wrote it.
Hammond: Oh, right. Them. Dr. Wu, would you be so kind as to explain the park to them?
Wu: I already am, sir. (He resumes a conversation with Sporty.) So, yes, that's how we prevent them from breeding.
Sporty: You're kidding!
Sporty: ALL of them?
Sporty: Can you do this with humans? (Instantly, all eyes are on Sporty.) What? What did I say? I'm just curious about a world full of women from a purely scientific standpoint!
Scary: Shut up!
Sporty: Oh, bugger.
Ginger: You know, I have to say, I am impressed with this. I mean, unlike some people we know (glancing at Posh and Scary), these things can actually be prevented from getting pregnant.
Ginger (taunting): Hey Poshy! See that ugly little dino-thing over there? (She points to a newly-hatched dinosaur.) Why don't we name it "Genetic Engineering Lab" since that's where it was conceived? Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Posh: Screw you! Brooklyn is a perfectly normal name!
Ginger: Yeah, for a cartoon gargoyle!
(With a blinding fury, Posh leaps at Ginger and lands directly on top of her. She begins slamming Ginger's head into the floor.)
Scary: Hey! Knock it off right now! (She walks over to Ginger to help her up. She begins whispering.) It's okay Ginger. I think Brooklyn is a dumb name too.
Ginger (spitting out blood and teeth): Yeah, I'm glad someone agrees of course it isn't nearly as stupid as "Phoenix," but hey
Scary: Why, you bitch!
(As this discourse goes on, Hammond's two grandchildren, Lex and Tim, as well as Malcolm's daughter [from The Lost World; hey, I'm not gonna write two separate stories!] Kelly enter the lab.)
Hammond: Ah, the children are here!
Grant: John! You mean that not only are you a drunkard and a Spice Girls fan you're a pedophile too?
Hammond: Well yes, I admit, I am a pe WAIT! No, these are my grandchildren! And the other girl is Malcolm's daughter!
Sattler (staring at Malcolm's daughter, who, as you all know looks NOTHING like Malcolm): Ian? She's your daughter?
Malcolm: Yup. That's my Kelly.
Malcolm: Probably! With a movie this full of inane plot devices, are you surprised?
Tim: Grandpa, why is the ugly woman beating the chubby woman's head into the ground?
Hammond: Oh, Timmy dear that's just what grownups call a "catfight." You'll appreciate it when you're older. In the meantime, meet Dr. Grant and Dr. Sattler!
Tim: Dr. Grant? Alan Grant? Wow, I'm such a huge fan! My little sister doesn't think you are, but she's just a dumb
Lex: I'm older than you!
Tim: No way! I'm older!
Grant: Kids, kids, there's no need to argue! Remember, no one in Hollywood gives a shit what was in the book they made the God-awful movie out of; you can both be older!
Lex & Tim: Thanks Dr. Grant!
Grant: Now, you kids run along and hack into something with a hard drive.
Hammond: Actually, Alan, the children are scheduled for a tour of the park with the rest of you.
Hammond (glancing back to the Spice Girls): Well, yes as soon as the crackwhore, slut, and bitch have finished beating each other to death
(Several hours later, everyone except Hammond is piling into the jeeps used for the tour of the park.)
Malcolm: So, John, tell me again why you're not taking a final tour of your own park with us?
Hammond: Why, because I don't want to be eate er my leg is acting up.
Tim: So, Dr. Grant, can I get in the car with you?
Grant: Piss off, kid.
Tim: Please, Dr. Grant?
Grant: No! Get in the other car!
Lex: But Mr. Malcolm says that he and Dr. Sattler will be taking up the entire back seat of the other car... whatever that means
Tim: Yeah, and there won't be any room for young kids.
Lex: Well, we could always go with the Spice Girls in their jeep
Grant: Oh, Christ fine, get in here, you whiny little bastards I wouldn't wish a jeep full of Spice Girls on my worst enemy
(The tour begins, and the jeeps begin rolling. A voice emerges from the jeeps regarding the dinosaur they are currently supposed to be seeing.)
Voice: And if you look to your right, you won't see the dinosaur you're supposed to see, which is probably a good thing considering every creature here can rend you limb from limb. Aren't you happy that there's a safe series of flimsy wires preventing them from eviscerating you?
Ginger: Somehow that isn't very comforting.
Scary: Oh, relax. What could possibly go wrong?
Posh: Yeah, the voice itself said that there are plenty of flimsy wires protecting us!
Ginger (under her breath): Yeah, well, it's a shame your parents didn't use a flimsy condom to protect the world from you
Ginger (smiling): Oh, nothing.
(The jeeps resume movement. The events leading to the discovery of the sick Triceratops transpire [go rent the movie!], and the girls are looking at the sick animal.)
Scary: You know, if I had my luggage here, I could give it something to ease its pain.
Sattler: Well, until I look at its stool, I don't know what could ease its pain.
Sporty: Um, Dr. Sattler, no offense, but if that thing sat on a stool, it would break
Sattler: Its shit, you stupid dyke!
Sporty: Oh. (long pause) I am not!
(Switch to everyone staring at the dinosaur's pile of shit.)
Malcolm: Man, that is one big pile of shit.
Ginger: Oh that's nothing. You should have seen our dressing rooms after the Ozzy Osbourne concert across the street let out.
Lex: Excuse me, Spice Girls?
Scary: Yes, little dear?
Lex: Well, I was kind of wondering you know how you yell "Girl power!" a lot?
Ginger: Girl power!
All: Girl power!
Lex: Um, yeah, like that. What the hell does it mean?
Sporty: The last time I told someone my theory on "Girl power," the tabloids had a ball with it
Ginger: It's um you know girl power.
Lex: Dr. Grant was right. There are bigger piles of shit than that one. (She points to the dinosaur droppings.)
Scary: Bigger piles of shit? Here in the park?
Tim (running up): Lex, we're supposed to get back in the jeeps now. (He looks at the Spice Girls.) Oh, and I guess they're supposed to come too.
(The group walks back to the jeeps, where Grant is waiting. Sattler stays behind, of course.)
Posh: Are we going to see even more shit Dr. Grant?
Grant: No dear, I do believe that seeing six piles of shit today is more than enough.
(The jeeps begin moving again, this time stopping in front of the Tyrannosaurus Rex pen.)
Sporty: Great another dinosaur we won't see.
Baby: Tee hee! Duh!
Scary: Baby's right something is coming out of that hole in the ground.
Posh: Looks like Ginger's last three dates.
Ginger: No it doesn't! It's a goat!
(Everyone but Baby stares out of the jeep window. Baby, in the meantime, begins pushing all of the mesmerizing buttons on the jeep's control panel. Finally, Scary turns around and sees Baby fooling with the equipment.)
Scary: Hey! How many times have we told you not to touch anything?
Baby: Duh duh! Duh! Duh! Duh!
Scary: Hey, don't you talk back to me! I'll tear out that control panel before I let you screw around with it and get us in more trouble! (Baby defiantly pushes more buttons in the jeep.) Okay, that does it! (Scary reaches for the radio/control panel, grabs it, and with a rush of strength brought on only by the finest heroin, tears it out of the jeep. She rolls down her window.) Now, you little annoyance, you're not going to touch this thing again!
(Scary tosses the still-sparking panel out of her window. The panel flies through the air, spins several times, and comes to rest directly on the electrified fence. Sparks fly through the air as the panel shorts out the protective fence.)
Ginger: Oh that can't be good.
Scary: Oh damn.
Sporty: Hey, I think the goat is gone.
Posh: No, he's not gone, you idiot! He simply grew into a large lizard! Look! (She points to the pen, which is currently being torn down by a T-Rex.)
Ginger: Somehow, that doesn't look like a goat, brainiac.
(The carnage involving the T-Rex ensues. Grant lights up a flare to tempt the huge animal.)
Grant: Here! Go after this, you stupid bastard! (He tosses the flare in a random direction right into the jeep housing the Spice Girls huddling against each other in fear.)
Ginger (to Sporty): For the last time, when we're huddling together in fear, don't grab me there!
(The flare clunks on the floor.)
Posh: Did anyone just hear a noise?
Scary: Oh, it's just this flare that got thrown in here. I'll just toss it out of the window then (Scary picks up the flare, which has landed in a wad of gum stuck under the seats. She tried to throw it out the window, but succeeds in merely shaking the flare violently outside of the jeep window.) Damned bubble gum the flare is sticking to my hand (A large set of teeth clamp down on Scary's shaking arm and pull her out of the vehicle.)
Posh: Er... did anyone see that coming?
Sporty: Umm I think it's time we ran. Quickly.
(The Spice Girls dash out of the jeep towards safety while Scary is snapped in half by the T-Rex's powerful jaws.)
Ginger (looking at Scary): Is that what they call poetic justice?
(Moving forward several scenes Grant, the kids, and the Spice Girls are heading back to the main complex.)
Lex: Wow! That was so amazing! We saw the Pterodactyls, and the T-Rex chased us down the river!
Tim: And that huge building!
Posh: Pardon me, but what on Earth are you little darlings talking about?
Grant (whispering to Posh): Read a book once in a while. Spielberg is a hack.
Sporty: Look! There's the visitor center!
Ginger: It's just over that non-electrified fence!
(Grant and the rest all proceed to climb the infamous fence surrounding the Visitor's Center. Tim and Baby are left on the fence when the others reach the ground. Both are visibly shaken.)
Tim: I I I'm scared!
Baby: Tee tee tee hee!
Grant: Oh, for the love of God just climb down you little bastards! It's just a friggin' fence!
(At that moment, the electricity comes back on, effectively frying Baby and Tim. Both fall to the ground.)
Grant: Damn! Does anyone besides me know CPR?
Sporty: I knew a girl whose initials were CPR
Grant: Oh, shut up! Hmm I only have enough time to save one of them (He looks back and forth between Baby and Tim. Back and forth. Back and forth. Finally, he shakes his head.) Oh, to Hell with them both. I can't stand either one. Let's go to the Visitor's Center.
(They leave the two smoking bodies lying in the grass. Soon, they are in the main building, which is, of course, overrun by raptors within a few scenes. Switch to Grant, Kelly, Lex, Posh, Sporty, and Ginger stuck in a room about to be overtaken by vicious velociraptors.)
Ginger: Oh, this is just wonderful! Not only can they tear us into pieces, but they can unlock doors too!
Grant: I told you, they're smart!
Posh: They're goddamned animals! No animal extinct for millions upon millions of years knows how to open a fucking door! Who is responsible for this crap?
Sporty: Never mind that now! They're opening the door!
Kelly: I can stop them! I'm on the gymnastics team at school, so with a few flips, I can probably take out a raptor all by myself!
Lex: Hey, that's a great idea! I'll just get the rest of us into the ceiling through these ceiling panels while you do that!
(Lex and everyone else pile into the ceiling as the raptors break down the door. Kelly stands defiantly for a moment, then leaps into action. She sprints forward, flips through the air, grabs a low-hanging ceiling beam, and kicks at the lead raptor. Unfortunately, the kick does very little to such a powerful animal. [Hey, you do the math! Young girl vs. seven foot eating machine, and the girl wins? No way. Spielberg is full of shit. Every copy of The Lost World should be burned.] The raptor looks a bit shaken, but regains composure within a second and begins tearing Kelly to shreds. [Hey, if they made the movie right, this would've happened anyway!])
Posh: You know, I don't think any of us saw that one coming either
Grant: Quickly! Let's get through this ceiling!
(The entire party crawls through the ceiling and ends up in the main lobby of the Visitor's Center.)
Ginger: I think we're finally safe!
(A pack of raptors enters the room and glares at the group.)
Ginger: Aw, fuck.
Sporty: Dr. Grant, what do we do?
Grant: I don't know we need a diversion something to throw at them.
Ginger: No problem. (She grabs Posh.) Hungry fellas? (She pushes Posh towards the raptors. Three of them jump on her and begin tearing at her.)
Posh (dying): You bitch
(The three raptors eating Posh immediately keel over, clutching at their stomachs in pain.)
Lex: Raptors can get indigestion?
Grant: Looks like it.
Ginger: Oh, just wonderful the rest of them are advancing towards us
Sporty: I have to say something before I die! (shouting) I want to fuck every woman from All Saints! I want to take my tongue and
(As Sporty is yelling, the T-Rex bursts through the wall, knocking down some of the raptors. The raptors and T-Rex engage in battle.)
Ginger (to Sporty): We're safe now.
Sporty: ...I am the queen of the lesb... huh? (She realizes that they are out of danger.) Erm uh heh heh what I meant to say was "Backstreet Boys." Yes, I want to fuck every girl from the Backstreet Boys. (pause) Guy! I meant "guy"!
Grant: Come on, let's get out of here!
Ginger: Well, considering that all the dinos are female I'd say girl power won today!
Sporty: Yeah! Girl power!
Ginger & Sporty (together): Girl power! Girl power!
(The T-Rex and raptors stop their fighting in mid-motion, and turn to stare at the two Spice Girls, who have long since been deserted by Grant and Lex. The T-Rex and raptors glance back at each other, exchange a quick nod, and instantly begin attacking the Spice Girls. From the heli-pad outside, Grant and the others can see various limbs and gore flying around in the Visitor's Center, as the Spice Girls scream with their last breath.)
Sattler: Well, nice of you to finally show up. Would you believe that Malcolm lived through that whole ordeal?
Grant: Why is that a shock? He only got thrown a few feet that's hardly fatal.
Sattler: No, I mean I didn't kill him.
Malcolm (from inside the helicopter): Oh Dr. Sattler! I do believe my bandages need to be loosened, if you know what I mean.
Sattler (groaning): Let's get in the chopper and get out of here.
(The two scientists climb aboard the chopper, where Lex, Hammond, and Malcolm are waiting.)
Hammond (to Lex): Now, remember the story we're going to tell your mother?
Lex: Sure, Grandpa. Tim died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. Right?
Hammond: Good girl!
Grant: Thank God it's all over.
Malcolm: John, you didn't have any other research facilities on any other remote islands, did you?
Hammond: Um er I uh No! Of course not! Do you think I'm an idiot?
Sattler: Whew! Then it's all over. No one could possibly fuck up the Jurassic Park franchise any further
Malcolm: Hey Ellie
Sattler: What is it now, Ian? Do you need another injection?
Malcolm: No but you look like you could use an injection a hot beef injection, if you know what I mean
Sattler: Oh, that does it. (She unfastens her seat belt.) I'm going to kill him. I'm gonna friggin' kill him right now! (She charges at Malcolm as the shot switches to the exterior of the helicopter.) Try and make a lousy sequel after I tear his dick off!
(The scene fades to black with the helicopter violently shaking back and forth while screams of bloody murder emanate from within.)
Trademark and copyright 1999, CloudVader Productions. Do not reproduce without giving the author, Cloud Volpe, due credit.
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