(The story begins with all five of the Power Rangers
sitting around a table at their favorite restaurant, in human
form, of course. These are the original Power Rangers, mind you,
not the even crappier ones that have popped up in recent years.)
Red Ranger: Gee, it's been an awfully quiet week. No attacks by hideous monsters or anything.
Blue Ranger: I concur with your analysis. Your current assessment of our situation seems to be the valid one, and I do believe that
Black Ranger: Yo, man, would you shut the HELL up?!? I'm sick and tired of hearing all these big words of yours! You talk like you're some kind of damn thesaurus!
Yellow Ranger: He's right, you know. You talk like you're that Webster dude or something.
Pink Ranger: Hey, guys. I think I, like, hear a noise, or something.
(All go silent. They hear the familiar beeping of their watches, indicating that their leader, Zordon, is summoning them.)
Person Sitting Near the Rangers: Hey, did you guys know that your watches are beeping?
Red: Beeping? Um why no! We didn't hear anything!
Person: Yeah, man. It's making a sound like that music that plays every time the Power Rangers appear.
Black: Power who? Never heard of them Really
Person: Hey! I'll bet that you guys are the Power Rangers in your secret identities! It makes perfect sense! Who would think that five teenagers are really intergalactic superheroes? And look! You five even wear the same colors as those Power Rangers! I can't believe I'm the only one who's ever noticed that! Man I've gotta tell the papers about this one!
(The person gets up to leave, but the Black and Yellow rangers quickly stand up, grab him, and pull him into a back room. They emerge three minutes later, without the person who guessed their secret.)
Black (brushing his hands together): Well, that takes care of that. I don't think he'll be talking much after the little "discussion" we just had with him.
Red: Whatever. We have to get to the command center now.
(All five Rangers steal away into a dark corner, and teleport in a flash of multi-colored light. They arrive in Zordon's command center.)
Alpha 5: Oh Rangers! Thank goodness you're here! Ay ay ay!
Pink: Oh, shut the hell up.
Red: So, baldy er I mean Zordon! What's going on? Why were we called?
Zordon: I sense a great disturbance in the force
Black: Yo, man! That's nearly copyright infringement!
Zordon: I am sorry. I shall rephrase it by telling you exactly what is going on.
(The globe in the center of the room shows an image of five women.)
Zordon: These are the Spice Girls. They are perhaps the most dangerous foe you'll ever face.
Pink: But Zordon, you've said that about every single enemy we've ever fought! And every time, we manage to beat the living hell out of them!
Zordon: I know, but this time it's different.
Blue: What makes them so dangerous, Captain Pica er I mean Zordon?
Zordon: I was getting to that, you smart-assed little punk.
(A sample of Spice Girls music begins pouring through the speakers in the room. The Rangers hold their ears in pain.)
All: No! Make it stop! Make it STOP!
(The music ends.)
Zordon: This is merely a sample of their evil influence. Through unknown means, they have managed to brainwash nearly every pre-pubescent girl on the planet. They have single-handedly ruined pop music. You must stop them before they can take over our beloved planet entirely.
Yellow: You can count on us, Zordon!
Alpha 5: Ay ay ay! I'm so glad you rangers are on the case! Ay ay ay!
Black: That does it! I'm sick of you and that annoying friggin' catch phrase!
(The Black Ranger takes out a switchblade knife concealed in his back pocket and begins stabbing Alpha 5 with it. He makes large holes in Alpha's metal, and cuts several vital wires. Alpha 5 falls dead upon the floor.)
Red: Aw, geez! Not again
Zordon: You little ingrate! Do you know how long it took me to clean him up after the last time you did that?
Black: It wasn't me last time! It was the Blue Ranger! Then, before that, it was the Pink one
Zordon: Shut up! All of you! Just morph and get going to kill those Spice Girls!
Red: Right! It's morphin' time!
(Cue pointless cut scene. The rangers morph into their uniforms. Instantly, they are transported face-to-face with the Spice Girls, who are walking around on the set of their latest video.)
Ginger Spice: Oh my! Who are you?
Red: We're here to put a stop to your evil ways!
Black: Yeah! You bitches have just sung your last song!
Baby Spice: Tee hee hee! Duhh
Posh Spice: Oh no! This means we'll have to use Girl Power to beat these guys!
Sporty Spice: Actually, they're not all guys. I think that one dressed in pink is a girl. She's got an amazing body, too! Look at the way she's built! (Sporty notices the other Spice Girls and the Rangers staring at her.) Hey, I meant that in a totally heterosexual way! I'm really not gay! I'm not!
Scary Spice: Will you stop it with that already!
Yellow: Yeah, shut the hell up! Pink's not the only girl on this team, you know!
Posh (squints at Yellow Ranger): Oh my you're a girl?
Yellow: Of course! Can't you tell?
Scary: Well, to tell the truth, hon, you're built exactly like a man.
Yellow: Wha ?
Sporty: Yeah. You know, I doubt even a lesbian would want you. Er not that I would know about that or anything
All: Shut up!
Blue: Enough of this charade. It's time for us to engage in possibly mortal, physical combat.
Ginger: Ugh too many big words! What does he mean?
Black: He just said that it's time for us to kick your collective asses!
Red: Defend yourselves!
(The Power Rangers jump towards the Spice Girls and begin to kick the crap out of them. The Spice Girls fight back with tremendous force, especially Sporty, who keeps trying to get close to the Pink Ranger. After lots of kicking and punching, the Spice Girls are driven back a few feet.)
Red: Ok, now's the time when we form the mega-super Power Ranger gun!
Pink: Wait, which one is that?
Black: You know; it's when we take all of our weapons that we never use, and put them together into one big-ass gun.
Pink: Oh, THAT!
Red: Power Rangers, assemble now!
(The Power Rangers begin to make odd movements, while their weapons come together to form a very unimpressive gun.)
Blue: Ready! Aim! Fire!
(The gun lets out a stream of blue light, which hits Scary Spice directly in the chest. She is vaporized instantly.)
Black: Damn! Only got one of them!
Yellow: Let's shoot it again!
Red: We can't. We only fire it once per day.
Blue: I suggest we summon the Megazord!
Pink: But we only do that when our enemies have turned into gigantic menaces to the city!
Red: I think we'll make an exception this time!
(The Rangers proceed to yell out to their giant battle robots, which come together to form the Megazord.)
Ginger: Hey, look! Those bastards that killed Scary! I know who they are!
Ginger: It's Voltron!
Red: You idiots! We're not Voltron!
Sporty: Of course it's not Voltron, you slut! Anyone could see that they're Transformers!
Yellow: Arrrrggghhh! We're not Transformers either!
Posh: Then who the hell are you?
Rangers (collectively): We're the Power Rangers!
Spice Girls (collectively): Who?
Black: Nevermind! You girls are history!
Ginger: Like hell we are! It's time for Girl Power!
(The Spice Girls call loudly, and a giant robot of their own enters the scene. It grabs the Megazord and begins to attack it.)
Red: Ugh! It's slamming us to the left!
Pink: I'm not having a good time!
Black: It's shaking us to the right!
Yellow: I know I don't feel fine!
Blue: Stop it! All of you! Do you realize how frighteningly annoying that is?
(Suddenly, the Spice Girls' robot stops moving. It appears to have run out of power.)
Posh: Oh, damn. Not again. Which one of you has been using the batteries?
(The other three Spice Girls point to each other and smile sheepishly.)
All (in unison): She has! (They look at each other.) I did not! Why you little ! (All four girls begin clawing and biting each other.)
Red: We've regained control of the Megazord!
Black: Look! They're fighting each other!
Yellow: Let's get them now, while they're distracted!
(The Megazord pulls out a giant sword. It begins to whirl the sword around in the air for display, then brings it down on the Spice Girls. Severed limbs fly in every direction.)
Pink: Look! I think some of them are still alive!
(The Megazord then brings down its giant foot directly on top of the remains of the Spice Girls.)
Red: Ouch! I'll bet that had to hurt!
Yellow: Come to think of it, why don't we do that every time we face a monster, instead of waiting for it to grow?
(As the others are about to answer, a giant explosion rocks the Megazord. The mighty robot explodes into a million different pieces, taking the Power Rangers with it. Back at the Command Center, Zordon is chuckling to himself.)
Zordon: Ha! I knew that self-destruct mechanism would come in handy! Those brats had it coming! Now, I just need to find five more teenagers to do my dirty work
Author's Note: You didn't think I'd actually let the Power Rangers live, did you?
Copyright 1998, CloudVader Productions. Do not reproduce without
giving the author, Cloud Volpe, due credit.
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