Foreward from Cloud: I spent a heck of a lot of time on this one, because I know a million of you fans have been bugging me to write a South Park one Well, this is it. It's the longest of any of the Spice Girls stories I've written (you may want to set some time out to read this one; it's about twice as long as your average SGDVD story), and if you simply imagine this as a South Park script (try to picture the animation and voice-overs in your head), I think it really, really works. I truly hope you love this one as much as I loved writing it, and I expect to hear feedback on it from each and every last one of ya!

  vs.   South Park

by Cloud Volpe


(It is another cold, windy day in South Park, as usual, and Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman are standing at the bus stop, waiting to be shuttled off to school.)

Stan: Dude, something feels different today.

Kyle: What do you mean?

Stan: Well, when I got up this morning, Shelly was happy and singing. She didn't even try to beat me up.

Cartman: Oh, Stan's sister is still kicking the crap out of him? Haaa ha! Stan's a little wu-uss!

Stan: Stuff it, lard ass!

Cartman: If I were you, I'd kick her square in the nuts!

Kenny: Mph mmn mpvh mts mu mat mphuk!

Cartman: What? How the Hell would you know?

Kyle: I know what you mean, dude. All the young girls in town are acting weird!

Stan: I wonder what could be wrong with them?

(Just then, the school bus pulls up to the curb.)

Ms. Crabtree: Get on and shut up! We're running late!

(The boys file into the bus seats.)

Stan (while passing Ms. Crabtree): I don't even like riding the bus, you filthy whore!

Ms. Crabtree: What did you say?!?

Stan: I said, "Man, that Tom Snyder is one heck of a bore!"

Ms. Crabtree: Oh… well, yes, he certainly is.

(Switch to the South Park elementary school, where Mr. Garrison, or rather, Mr. Hat, is reading an article to the children.)

Mr. Hat (reading): "And that is why men should have sex together."

Mr. Garrison: Thank you, Mr. Hat, for that informative look at relationships. Are there any questions, children?

(The class stares at Garrison with the same blank stare they always use.)

Mr. Garrison: Well, if there are no questions, I'll move on to our social studies class, where we'll learn why Jesse Ventura is the greatest politician to ever...

(Kyle raises his hand.)

Mr. Garrison: Yes Kyle?

Kyle: Mr. Garrison, we were wondering why all the girls are acting strangely today… and Clyde.

Clyde: Huh?

Mr. Garrison: What… what do you mean?

Kyle: Well, Stan's sister didn't beat the crap out of him this morning before school…

Cartman: Ha ha ha ha! Stan takes it like a little bitch!

Stan: I'll show you who's a little bitch, fat boy!

Cartman: Come over here and try it, asshole!

Kyle (continuing): …and Bebe hasn't been staring at me at all today…

(Bebe sighs dreamily, her mind obviously somewhere else.)

Kyle: …and Wendy hasn't said more than two words to Stan today…

(Wendy does exactly what Bebe is doing: she daydreams.)

Cartman: Heh… Stan's woman isn't satisfied.

Stan: Yeah, well judging by your size, I'd say you're more than satisfied, fat ass!

Cartman: HEY!

Mr. Garrison: So, all the young girls are acting strangely… and Clyde?

Clyde: What?

Kyle: That's right Mr. Garrison.

Mr. Garrison (sitting down): Oh boy… well boys, it looks like it's time for Mr. Hat to explain something to you called "That time of the month."

Mr. Hat: That's right, boys. You see, every month, women go through a period when they turn from unreasonable monsters to unreasonable monsters with bleeding crotches.

(The boys exchange glances.)

Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat! Stop being so insensitive!

Mr. Hat: Fuck you, Garrison! You know it's true!

Mr. Garrison (flabbergasted): Mr. HAT! (He looks at his class.) I'm sorry, class, but Mr. Hat has problems with women. He doesn't find them particularly compatible.

Stan (raising his hand): Um, Mr. Garrison? If women are acting funny because they're bleeding, why is Clyde acting weird?

Clyde: What?

Mr. Garrison: Oh, Clyde's just a little pansy, that's all.

Clyde: I am?

(The bell rings, signaling lunchtime. The class collectively gets up to go to the cafeteria, with all the girls huddled together talking and giggling. Pip approaches the group.)

Pip: 'ello chaps!

Stan: Go away, Pip!

Pip: Right! Oh, but I did want to tell you why the girls are acting so strangely.

Kyle: Garrison already explained that!

Pip: Well, I was thinking that it might also have something to do with a tour bus driving through South Park tomorrow that has the Spice Girls on it!

Kenny: Mph mht mphns mmph mm mphice mphannl?

Stan: The what channel?

Pip: No, I don't believe so… these girls are a singing group from my home country!

Cartman: God dammit Pip! First you give us that Jerry Lewis guy, and now you give us these…

Pip: Actually, it was America who gave Jerr…

Cartman: Dammit, do you ever shut up?!?

Pip: Right, I think I'll be going now.

Cartman: Lousy French…

(The rest of the boys get to the counter, where Chef is serving some form of casserole.)

Chef: Hello there, children!

Boys: Hi Chef.

Chef: How's it going?

Boys: Bad.

Chef: Bad? Why bad?

Stan: Chef, all of the girls are acting really giggly and weird, and Mr. Garrison says it's because they're bleeding between their legs…

Chef: What? You mean I didn't have to tell you children about the birds and the bees for once?

Kyle: No, not bees Chef. Blood.

Chef: Aw, children, I know exactly how you feel… I can cheer you up with a song if you want… <ahem> (He starts to sing:)

Oh woman I loved you since the moment we met

And when I saw you dancin', I knew what I wanted to get

But when we went to make sweet love back at my pad

The blood between your thighs told me that lovin' you now would be bad!

Oh baby! Oh baby! Why didn't you tell me it was that date?

Oh baby! Oh baby! Now our love makin' is gonna have to wait!

Stan: Uh, Chef?

Chef: Oh bab… Huh? Oh, sorry children.

Kyle: It's not just the girls. Clyde's acting funny too.

Clyde (behind them in line): I am?

Chef: Oh… well then, children, it might not be that time…

Cartman: Pip said something about someone called the Spice Girls coming here…

Chef: The Spice Girls? Here in South Park? Oh man, I would love to have them tenderize my meat…

Kenny: Mphyre mpht mph mphns mrph mph mphee mphvee mphannl.

Chef: They aren't? Well, who else could they be?

Kyle: Pip said something about a singing group.

Chef: Oh, those Spice Girls. (He shivers.) I wouldn't touch those ladies if they paid me. Come to think of it, one of them did…

Clyde: Uh, guys? I'm not really acting weird, am I?

Stan: Dude, you were, like, staring at a magazine in your desk all day while Mr. Garrison was talking about backdoor plumbing.

Clyde: Well, yeah… but that was because I heard about those Spice Girls coming here, and I found a magazine in Cartman's house the last time I was there that had one of them naked in it.

Cartman: What? That belongs to my mother!

Kyle: What's the matter, Cartman? Your mom couldn't get on their cover with a crack pipe?

Cartman: You dirty son of a bitch!

Chef: Children, I'd be careful around those Spice Girls. Just thinking of all the diseases they could have… (He shudders again.)

Kyle: We will.

Stan: Bye Chef!

(Cartman mutters to himself as they walk to their table, cursing Stan and Kyle. In the meantime, the mayor is listening to her aides as they propose a plan to her…)

Johnson: So you see, Mayor (pointing to a map), the Spice Girls will enter South Park here at about 3:12 P.M. Then, (pointing to another place on the map) they will leave town at approximately 3:14 P.M.

Mayor: That's longer than any other celebrity has stayed here… why do we want to stop them again?

Ted: Think about it, Mayor! If we somehow managed to get them to perform here in South Park, why… the revenues would be incredible. We could get every pre-pubescent girl and horny teenage boy in town to pay top dollar just to see those five sluts lip synch to something on stage!

Mayor: How much are we talking here? (Johnson hands the mayor a slip of paper with a dollar amount written on it.) Holy shit! (She buzzes her intercom.) Barbrady! Barbrady! Get your ass in here on the double!

(Officer Barbrady emerges from underneath the mayor's desk.)

Barbrady: Did someone call me?

Mayor: Oh, there you are. I forgot you were still down there. Now, listen closely; this is what we need you to do…

(Switch to the boys walking home from school. Cartman is still cursing to himself.)

Stan: Dude, will you cut it out? You're really starting to piss me off.

Cartman: Screw you guys! I don't need to take any crap from you… retarded assholes!

Kyle: What's with you today, Cartman? It's not like we never have a day when we don't insult you or your mother.

Cartman: You guys piss me off all the time! And… dammit… I'm getting pissed off again!

Stan: Dude, it's like Cartman's going to snap and go postal on someone today.

Kyle: Yeah, although I wonder who he could possibly kill in a blinding rage without disturbing our community?

(Just then, the boys stop at a crosswalk on South Park's main street. There are legions of young girls (and Clyde) standing on the sidewalks, anxiously looking down one end of the street. Kyle, Cartman, and Stan stop to look both ways, but Kenny begins to walk across.)

Stan: Kenny! You're supposed to look both ways before you…

(Just then, a large Union Jack bus roars past them on the street, running over Kenny and spilling his blood all over the street. The girls (and Clyde) cheer with delight at the bus.)

Stan: Oh my God! They killed…

(Switch to the interior of the Spice Girls' bus.)

Scary Spice: …that little kid with the orange parka!

(Somewhere on the street, a voice yells, "You bastards!")

Posh Spice: Well, it's only because that psycho slut is driving…

Ginger Spice (driving the bus): If I weren't busy driving, I'd go back there and kick the shit out of you!

Sporty Spice: I can't believe that poor kid is dead because of us! I think we should stop so I can go console his mother. (The girls all stop talking and look directly at Sporty, including Ginger, who is still managing to drive without her eyes on the road.) What? She may be in a severely emotional state!

Baby Spice: Tee hee hee! Duh!

Ginger: No time to talk about that now! We've got a cop on our tail! (She looks in the rear view mirror to see Barbrady's police car following them with sirens blaring.) I think he wants us to pull over.

Posh: What gave you that idea, genius?

Ginger (stopping the bus and unfastening her seat belt): Why you disgusting whore! I'll tear your lungs out!

(Ginger leaps at Posh, Posh leaps at Ginger, and their usual catfight ensues. Scary manages to break it up as Officer Barbrady steps up to the door of the bus. He uses his nightstick to break the glass on the door.)

Barbrady: Knock, knock! Anyone home? (He looks towards the back of the bus, where Baby, Scary, and Sporty are helping the bruised and beaten Posh and Ginger to their feet.)

Sporty: We're back here, officer!

Scary (sweating bullets): Er… I'll be right back… (She grabs a briefcase next to her seat and runs into the bathroom. Soon after, there is a loud flush from the toilet, with Scary's voice accompanying it.) Damn it, get down there you bastard! (She flushes again, then emerges from the bathroom after a few seconds with an empty briefcase. She wipes her brow.) Whew! Close one!

Barbrady: All right, you four! Step out of the bus!

Posh: Er… but there's five of us.

Barbrady (long pause): …All of you step out of the bus!

(The Spice Girls obediently walk off the bus and stand facing Barbrady.)

Ginger: Look Officer, I didn't see that kid when I was… I mean, he came out of… you have to believe me!

Barbrady: What the hell are you talking about?

Ginger: …

Barbrady: Anyway, you're all coming with me for… um… outstanding parking violations in South Park!

Baby: Duh?

Posh: But this is our first time here, and we didn't even stop anywhere that would force us to park…

Barbrady: That's enough out of you! The mayor says she'll waive the charges if you come with me!

Scary: Or…?

Barbrady: …How the hell should I know?

Sporty: I think we should go… we should at least apologize for killing that boy.

Ginger: Yes, Officer, I'm really, really sorry about running over that kid in the orange parka...

Barbrady: That's enough of your double-talking slang! I don't want to hear anymore about it!

(Barbrady escorts all five girls down the street towards City Hall. They pass by Cartman, Kyle, and Stan, who are on the other side of the street. The legions of children are screaming and cheering like mindless minions.)

Ginger (to the boys): We're so sorry about your little friend! We didn't mean for that to happen!

Kyle: Huh?

Stan: What?

Scary: Your friend… with the orange hood…

Stan: Oh. Yeah, no problem.

Posh (aside to Scary): They must be in shock, the poor things.

Sporty (as they're walking away, getting farther out of earshot): Hey, do any of you boys have single mothers? (She is silenced by Scary smacking her in the back of the head.) What? What now?

Cartman (watching them walk away): Hey, that girl with the sweatpants and ponytail… I've seen her somewhere before…

Stan: Yeah, probably over your house posing for dirty pictures with your mother!

Cartman: Yeah, I think you're… HEY! You son of a bitch! I should kick you in the nuts!

Kyle: Truth hurts, huh Cartman?

(Stan and Kyle begin laughing at Cartman.)

Cartman (more furious than ever): Screw you guys! I'm going home! (He storms away.)

Stan: Wow, those girls were nastier than I thought.

Kyle: Yeah dude. I wonder why people like them?

Stan: I don't know. Maybe they'll do a concert here so we can find out.

(Switch to the mayor's office. The mayor and her assistants are at her desk as the Spice Girls enter.)

Mayor: Ah! You must be the Spice Girls!

Sporty: Whoa! The mayor's a chi… (Scary elbows her in the stomach.)

Scary (to Sporty, under her breath): Not now!

Sporty: Hmph.

Mayor: Okay, here's the deal: You have to perform a concert here.

Ginger: Why should we do that?

Mayor: Because! We have to finance our town's reconstruction during our frequent… mishaps…

Scary: Mishaps?

Mayor: Look, we get monster attacks, floods of destructive feces, fireworks accidents, cattle suicides… and we need a really big concert to put some money into the budget! And since you five happened to be on your way through…

Posh: We were on our way to Denver!

Ginger: Yeah, and we accidentally ran over this poor little kid!

Mayor: Look, I don't care what you do in your spare time… just please, please perform a concert here!

(The Spice Girls look at each other.)

Ginger: I say yes. We owe at least one family here.

Posh: WE? You mean YOU owe…

Scary: Not now you two! (She turns toward the mayor.) Okay, we'll do it.

Mayor: Wonderful! (Suddenly, a light bulb goes off over the Mayor's head.) I just had a remarkable idea! Johnson! Get a notepad!

Johnson (grabbing a pen and paper): Got it, Mayor.

Mayor: Listen to this: We set up a stage in the pastures, around the cows… and then we invite the Indigo Girls, Roseanne, and Louie Anderson, along with the Spice Girls! We'll make it an all-day event! We'll call it the "Cow Festival"!

Baby: Tee hee!

Ted: Brilliant, Mayor!

Sporty: Er… that doesn't exactly sound like a respec…

Ginger: Look, shut up! The sooner we get out of this place, the better. (She sees that Sporty still looks angry.) Besides, the Indigo Girls are gay!

Sporty (her face brightening): How soon can we hold this festival???

(Switch to Cartman's house. Eric storms through the door, still cursing under his breath. He begins rummaging through the living room, then his bedroom, then the kitchen. Finally, he yells:)

Cartman: MOMMMMMMM!

Mrs. Cartman (walking out of the kitchen with a plate of cookies in her hands): Yes hon?

Cartman: Mom, where do we keep the assault rifles?

Mrs. Cartman: Oh, Eric dear! Mommy has never bought you any assault rifles!

Cartman: Aww… mommmmm! I really want a guuuuuuuun!

Mrs. Cartman: I'll buy you a gun the next time I go shopping, dear.

Cartman: But mommmm! I need it nowwwwwww! (Cartman begins whining loudly.)

Mrs. Cartman: Eric, honey, Mommy will buy you a gun when she goes to the store tomorrow! Now, leave Mommy alone for a little bit… (She grabs a rolling pin from the kitchen table.) I have to go do some baking in my bedroom. (She walks away.)

Cartman (stopping his whining and yelling down the hallway): You filthy bitch! I want to kill those Spice Girls so Stan and Kyle won't spread any rumors of them having sex with you!

Mrs. Cartman (closing her bedroom door): That's nice, dear!

Cartman: Ah, son of a bitch!

(One day passes. It is morning. The town has already prepared a stage in the middle of the pastures, and the mayor is supervising the decorations in the surrounding area.)

Mayor (yelling to someone on a scaffold near a flaming statue): No you idiot! I told you to get rid of the burning Spice Girls effigy, not to light it!

Johnson (running up to the mayor): Mayor! I had another great idea! Since the band is so popular with kids, why don't we get a group of kids to introduce them onstage?

Mayor: Why, that's brilliant! Did I think of that?

Johnson: Yes mayor! All by yourself!

Mayor: Damn, I'm good!

(Later that morning, the Marsh family is reading the newspaper around the breakfast table.)

Randy Marsh: Oh, look here Stanley… it says that the mayor wants to have a group of three children introduce the Space Girls when they perform this afternoon.

Stan: The who?

Shelley: You mean the Spice Girls! Oh, Dad, you have to let me do it!

Sharon Marsh: Now Shelly, maybe your brother would like to do it!

Shelley: WHAT? But he…

Sharon (leaning closer to Shelly's face): Now, you know his little friend Kenny just died recently! This would be good for him; it could cheer him up!

Shelley: But he doesn't even care about that damned…

Sharon: Language!

Randy: So, what do you say Stan? Do you and your little friends want to introduce the band today?

Stan: Do I have to?

Randy: No! Of course not!

Stan: …

Randy: Well… yes.

Stan: God dammit!

(Switch to Cartman's house. Cartman is sitting in the living room occupying himself with some unseen object. Mrs. Cartman leans out of the kitchen with the phone in her hand.)

Mrs. Cartman: Eric? Sweetie? Your friend Stan's mother is on the phone, and she wants you and your friends to volunteer to introduce the Spice Girls concert tonight!

Cartman (obviously preoccupied and concentrating on the object in his hands): Yes, mother. I would be greatly honored to introduce the Spice Girls…

Mrs. Cartman: Oh, that's wonderful dear!

Cartman (under his breath): …to my glock!

(Cartman holds the object in his hands up for all to see. It is a semi-automatic assault rifle with a scope. He pumps it a few times, then gives a sinister laugh.)

Cartman: Blood must be spilled in vengeance, and it will be theirs. (He laughs again.)

(Switch to the pasture, later that day. The mayor is barking orders again, as the three boys make their way around the construction equipment.)

Kyle: I can't believe your parents did this to us!

Cartman: Yeah, usually it's your mother with the hair up her ass.

Kyle: Screw you, fat boy!

Stan: I can't help it. They thought that this would be good therapy or something. Bringing Cartman's gigantic ass along was their idea too.

Cartman: HEY!

(The boys reach the end of a long line of young girls, some of them dressed like Spice Girls. After an hour or so, the boys finally reach the front of the line, where the mayor is shouting orders while interviewing the kids.)

Mayor (in a bored voice): Okay, why are you boys qualified to introduce the Spice Girls?

(Before they can answer, the mayor's assistant, Ted, runs to her and whispers something in her ear.)

Mayor (listening to the whispering): Why, yes, he is kind of on the chunky side… Jewish? Really? Diversity in our children, eh? (She turns to Stan, Kyle, and Cartman.) Congratulations, boys! You have the job!

(A roar of sighs and shouts for blood erupt from the long line of girls behind the boys.)

Stan: But my parents made us…

Mayor: Now, no need to thank me! You three are very lucky! (She walks away.)

Kyle: God dammit!

Cartman (under his breath): Sweet…

(It is evening. The big concert is about to get underway, and Stan and Kyle are onstage being instructed by a stagehand. On the pasture, the crowd is gathering.)

Stan: Hey, where's Cartman?

Kyle: I don't know. I stopped by his house, and he was stroking a gun, so I left.

Stan: If that fat fucker doesn't show up, I'm going to shove that gun up his…

Stagehand: Now boys, listen very carefully. You see that teleprompter in front of you? (He points to the teleprompter in front of them.)

Stan & Kyle: Yes.

Stagehand: Good. Now, when I give you the signal, you read what's on the prompter, okay?

Stan & Kyle: Okay.

(The stagehand walks away.)

Stan: Dude, this is going to suck.

(Just then, the Spice Girls walk out from backstage.)

Posh: I'm telling you, not one bloody store in this entire town has ever even heard of… (She stops to look at the kids.) Oh, it's the friends of the kid Ginger killed.

Ginger: Boys, I'm so, so sor…

(Ginger is interrupted by Cartman walking onto the stage carrying a guitar case and wearing shades.)

Kyle: Cartman! It's about time your fat ass got here!

Ginger (about Cartman): I swear that kid looks familiar…

Cartman: Hello Stan. Hello Kyle.

(Stan and Kyle exchange glances.)

Stan: Uh, Cartman, are you feeling okay?

Cartman: I will very soon, Stan. I will very soon.

Sporty: Hey! I know where I remember that fat kid from! (Everyone looks at Sporty.) Yeah! I visited his mother one time, because I heard she was an expert on… um… (Everyone is staring at Sporty in shock except for...)

Ginger: Yeah, that's it! I was there once, too! (Everyone switches their gazes to Ginger, including Sporty.) What? I was young and needed the money!

Sporty: You mean you and Mrs. Cartman also…? Why you cheap slut!

Ginger: Fuck you, you ugly whore!

(Ginger leaps at the unsuspecting Posh and begins clawing her.)

Posh (blocking Ginger's assault): Hey, you crazy bitch! Why are you attacking me?

Ginger (stopping her attack): Oh, I'm sorry… force of habit.

(As all of this goes on, Cartman pulls open his guitar case and pulls out the assault rifle he has been stroking all day.)

Cartman (aiming at the Spice Girls): HEY! No one talks about my mother like that!

(The Spice Girls stop in mid-conversation.)

Scary: Holy shit! The fat kid has a gun!

Baby: Tee hee!

Cartman: That's right! And I'm gonna blow your freakin' head off!

(Cartman allows himself a wry smile as he reaches for the trigger. The Spice Girls wince in anticipation as they realize that one of them is about to get it. Cartman readies his finger and slowly pulls the trigger.)

Ginger (weeping): Well, girls, it looks like this is it… again. I'll miss you all… except for Posh.

Posh (holding back tears): Screw... you...

(Suddenly, a jet of water sprays out of Cartman's gun. It hits Ginger in the face.)

Ginger (spitting water): What… what the…?

(Cartman stares at the gun in his hand, his mouth opened.)

Cartman: GOD DAMMIT!

Stan: Cartman? What the hell was all that about?

Cartman: That bitch! She bought me a water gun! I'm gonna kick her in the nuts!

Kyle: What, you actually expected your mother to buy you a real gun?

(The Spice Girls all let out a sigh of relief.)

Cartman: Ah! Screw you guys!

Stagehand (popping his head out from the other side of the stage): Okay, we're on!

(The Spice Girls dash backstage as the curtains lift. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle are standing on the stage by themselves. A microphone is lowered from the ceiling for the boys to use. Text appears on the teleprompter.)

Stan (reading): Hello, South Park. Welcome to the First Annual Cow… oh, hell, I can't do this! (The audience goes silent, watching the disgruntled children on the stage.) I don't even like the Spice Girls! Our parents made us do this! (Gasps emanate from the audience.)

Mayor (from her seat backstage, holding her head): Oh Christ, what now?

Kyle: Yeah! I don't like them either! They've done nothing but mean and rotten things to everyone ever since they got here!

Stan: They killed our friend Kenny!

Kyle: They had sex with Cartman's mom!

Cartman: Yeah, they had… HEY!

Stan: Chef says that they spread disease to people everywhere!

Kyle: And Mr. Garrison says that because of them, lots of women are bleeding!

Voice in the Crowd: If Garrison said it, it must be true!

(The crowd at this point has grown from a friendly group of young kids and their tolerant parents to a full-blown riot of angry adults and crying children.)

Sporty (watching from backstage): Um… it doesn't look good.

Ginger: That's okay, I have something that can calm them down!

Posh: Oh Lord… you aren't going to flash the crowd again, are you?

Ginger: Up yours! (to the group) Follow me onstage!

(The Spice Girls proudly stroll onto the stage from behind the curtain, and assume their various positions onstage.)

Ginger: Ahem! People! People! May I have your attention for just one second? (The crowd quiets down for a moment.) Now, I know you all may be mad right now, but we have something for you that makes much more sense than your random violence!

Voice in the Crowd #2: Take it off!

Posh: Shut up!

Ginger: GIRL POWER!

Crowd: …What?

Ginger: Is this mic working? GIRL POWER! Yeah! Girl power!

Crowd: …

Kyle (from off to the side of the center stage): Dude, what the hell are they talking about?

Stan: I dunno dude.

Ginger: Um… people? Girl power?

Voice in the Crowd #3: What the hell is "girl power"?

Ginger: You know… it's… um… it's girl power!

Crowd (long pause): …

Voice in the Crowd #4: Kill them!

Scary: Eep.

Baby: Duh! Duh!

(Posh groans.)

Sporty: Not again!

Ginger: What did I say?

(The crowd rushes forward to flood the stage. Broken bottles are flying around, vegetables are being thrown, and people are being trampled.)

Stan: Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.

Sporty: Let's make a run for it!

(The Spice Girls dash off the stage, narrowly avoiding the onrushing crowd of angry South Park citizens. They near one of the cows in the pasture, with the crowd still in hot pursuit.)

Ginger (pointing to the cow): Quick! Jump on that horse over there! It may be our only way out of here!

Posh: You dumb bastard! That's not a…

Scary: Shut up and get on!

Posh: Screw you guys! I'm going another way! (She runs off in a different direction.)

(In the meantime, Ginger, Baby, Scary, and Sporty have all jumped onto the back of the cow.)

Cow: Moo?

Sporty: Okay, giddyup!

(The cow stares blankly.)

Ginger: Move, you ugly horse!

Scary: What do we have to do to get this thing moving? The crowd is gaining!

Baby (summoning all her wits): Moo!

Cow: …Moo?

Baby: Moo! Moo moo moo! Moo moo! MOO!

Cow: Moo moo!

Baby: Moo?

Sporty: Holy crap… two lower life forms are communicating!

Ginger: Well, it's not working! The damned thing still isn't moving! Wait, I know! (Her eyes brighten.) I've seen these things at supermarkets! All you have to do is put a quarter into it!

Scary: Where?

Ginger: I don't know! Wherever it looks like it's supposed to go!

(All the girls frantically begin searching for a coin slot.)

Sporty (sitting on the back of the cow, mind you): I found it!

Ginger: Great! Now stick a quarter into it! Quickly!

(Sporty pulls a quarter from her pants pocket, looks at it for a moment, and then shoves it... directly into the ass of the cow.)

Cow: MOOOOOOOOO?!?!?

(The cow begins bucking.)

Scary (shaking): I th-think i-it's wor-working!

(The cow, visibly agitated, bucks forward. Ginger, the unfortunate Spice Girl sitting in front of the cow, is thrown forward and is impaled by the cow's horns.)

Sporty: Oh my God! They killed Ginger!

Scary: You bastard!

(The cow bucks sharply a second time, launching Baby, Scary, and Sporty backwards, right into the waiting arms of the approaching crowd of angry rioters. The moment their bodies hit the crowd like a mosh pit, they are overcome by a wave of people attacking them. Only a few body parts, like fingers, teeth, hair, and eyeballs, can be seen flying out of the crowd as it tramples and kills the three Spice Girls.)

Kyle: Dude, that is pretty sick!

Stan: Yeah dude! The Spice Girls just died violent deaths!

Cartman: Those bitches are finally dead! Damn, that felt good!

Stan: Uh, Cartman? Why did you want to kill them?

Kyle: Yeah, I mean, we were the ones who made fun of you. They didn't do anything.

(Cartman stares blankly.)

Stan: Well?

Cartman (realizing his error in judgement): …Ah! Sons of bitches! (He storms off towards the bloody stains in the grass that are the remains of the Spice Girls. He aims his water gun at them, and squirts them.) Take that! And that! And that's for making me want to kill you when I should have wanted to kill those other pussies!

Kyle: Man, Cartman really lost it.

Stan: Yeah, but I have a feeling he'll be back to his regular, asshole self next week at about this time.

Kyle: Yeah, you're right. (He looks around.) Dude, weren't there five Spice Girls?

Stan: Yeah, but I think one of them got away. She ran over that way, near where my Uncle Jimbo films his show…

(Switch to Posh, who is walking alone through a meadow in South Park.)

Posh: This is great! With those four out of the way, my plan for a solo career is a reality! I think I'll start with a tribute album… (Just then, a small, brightly colored bird lands on Posh's head.) What the…?

(Posh tries to shoo the bird off her head, unaware of the camera filming her, and the voices in the bushes nearby. Jimbo and Ned are filming their cable access show from the bushes, and as far as Jimbo, Ned, and the camera can see, the bird is simply perched on something; they do not see Posh.)

Jimbo (whispering to the camera while hidden in the bushes): Ladies and gentlemen, we here at "Huntin' and Killin'" have just landed the find of a lifetime! A rare, Northern New Zealand Mockingbird, long thought extinct, has landed right here in South Park! Now, we mustn't frighten it…

Ned: Oh man, it's coming right for us.

(Ned lets out a blast from his shotgun, which promptly blows off the head of the unsuspecting Posh Spice, leaving her headless corpse lying in the snow. The bird flies away.)

Jimbo: God dammit Ned! I always told you that you have to aim high with that rifle!

Ned: Mmm… sorry.

Jimbo (watching the bird fly away): Damn, and that was a beautiful specimen too! I've never seen that much red in the plumage like that…

THE END

Afterword from Cloud: Well, there you have it. The Spice Girls vs. South Park. There are a few things I want to say about this now that you have read it:

1) I have to reiterate, I had a blast writing this, and I hope you had a blast reading it. I tried to keep my brain focused in that South Park state of mind. I kept thinking to myself, "Okay, I know what I would do... how can I combine it with something Trey Parker and Matt Stone would do?" I hope I got the mixture just right.

2) I apologize for the irreverant, foul, insensitive, and sexist material in this story... but hey, that's what South Park is all about, isn't it? :)

3) I guess I should probably explain Cartman's postal rampage that never was. You see, out of the billion e-mails I got saying "Have the Spice Girls get killed by South Park," nearly half of them wanted to see Cartman blow their brains out with a gun. Now, call me crazy, but I didn't see any creativity in that at all. What fun is it if you're just going for blatent violence with no twists? Trey and Matt certainly don't do it, so why should I? Well, all those people who wanted Cartman to win the day almost got to see it. Fooled you! Nyahhhhhh-nyahhhh! :

4) Baby said her fourth word. Hope you're all happy.

5) This is just wishful thinking on my part, but do you know how absolutely awesome it would be to have Trey or Matt actually visit this page? <sigh> What I wouldn't give to know what they think of all this...

6) I guess that's all there is to say, except... I hope it isn't all downhill from here. :)

Trademark and copyright 1999, CloudVader Productions. Do not reproduce without giving the author, Cloud Volpe, due credit.

Click here to return to Spice Girls Die Violent Deaths.