of the news headlines the following day carried the story of the forty-car pileup
outside Gary Neville's place. What the headlines didn't carry was the fact that
the cause of this disaster was a tidal wave of drunken football players rushing
into the street and being summarily run over like speed bumps.
The papers also failed to mention the appearance of one Melanie C. who, after
calling for an ambulance for the downed jocks, was arrested for solicitation
of a female prostitute two blocks away. She was subsequently released after
posting bail. Her police report claimed that it was dark, and she thought she
was speaking to her limousine driver when she asked the prostitute for a "ride."
the papers did not carry all the details of this story is an issue of debate.
Some bookkeeping towards the end of the year revealed a slight increase in donated
funds from anonymous donators in all of the newspapers involved with the story.
Other detective work might have uncovered the fact that each reporter at the
scene had some sort of disdain for Manchester, David Beckham, or football in
general, and was sent to the scene by an anonymous phone call only seconds after
the incident occurred, assuring that they would be the sole reporters on the
scene from their respective news organizations.
any case, the wedding day was not postponed or moved, despite the unknown tragedy
striking the groom and his entourage.
the wedding day, Posh stood in front of a full-sized mirror in a small room
adjacent to the room in which she and her sex slave would exchange vows. She
thanked God that Beckham was too stupid to think of any sort of prenuptial agreement.
Her pseudo-friends, Scary, Baby, and Sporty, waited patiently as Posh preened
herself in the mirror.
Scary said. "I can't believe today is actually the big day." She put
a finger to her lip in thought. "You know, you can always divorce him after
a few months if you don't like him. It's worked for me."
Posh said, "I think I'll stick around for a while. He's quite loaded, and
it would be a shame to give up all of that money before I had some fun with
glanced out the window at the near-sacrilegious assemblage of decorations and
media that practically surrounded the once venerable castle. "Sure looks
like you're spending an awful lot just to make getting that money a good show."
dear Melanie," Posh replied, turning around. "Do you have any idea
how much I'm being paid in an exclusive contract to photograph my wedding? It
more than covers the cost of this little charade." She turned back to the
mirror. "And besides, we specifically told everyone to give us money and
vouchers as gifts. We'll be swimming in cash by the end of the day."
suddenly appeared nervous. "Um
Posh? What would you do if someone
were to give you something other than a voucher or money, hypothetically speaking?"
thought for a moment. "Do you remember the time that Ginger had to get
emergency plastic surgery because I tore her ears off with my bare hands after
our Los Angeles concert?"
gulped. "Yes," she said hesitantly.
it would be something along those lines, dear. Why do you ask?"
no reason." She turned to Sporty. "Do you happen to know a good travel
agent who can book me on a flight to Djibouti before she opens her gifts?"
however, had her mind on other things. "Hey Posh, you're not all right
up front." She pointed to Posh's reflection in the mirror.
she asked, turning from side to side nervously. "What's wrong?"
said Sporty, "Let me help you. "She got up, stood behind Posh, and
began tugging at Posh's bustline, then pushing her breasts up. She did this
for about ten seconds before deciding that it looked right. "There you
go," she said. "You were sagging a bit."
not noticing that she had just fallen for an old trick and had just been felt
up, turned around and smiled warmly. "Thank you, Melanie," she said.
"You always were a good friend, holding the door for me, bathing me when
I was sick, taking me to strip clubs
" She hugged the surprised Sporty.
hugged back, trying to feel Posh's rear as she slid her hands up and down her
friend. Yes, right, a good friend," she said. They
moved apart. "Posh? Are there any cold showers in this castle?"
time to bathe now!" Posh replied. "The wedding's about to start. Grab
the retard and get to your seats." Scary pulled Baby to her feet and followed
Sporty out the door and into the crowd.
the main hall of the castle, nearly everyone that was invited had arrived. Posh's
family was seated on one side of the hall, talking about money and fame, and
how much they were going to get out of this deal. Beckham's family was seated
on the other side of the hall, picking lice and other assorted insects from
each other's hair.
a gigantic crowd of teenyboppers had gathered to catch a glimpse of their favorite
manufactured pop group. Bouncers were standing all along the entrance and the
aisle, ensuring that no one was there that wasn't supposed to be there.
the bathroom, a young man emerged, wiping his hands. "Wow," Andy said
as he walked to find his seat. "Imagine that! The bathrooms here have soap
dispensers that look exactly like naked mannequins of George Michael! Darn soap
took a lot of pulling to get it to come out, though." He found his seat,
and sat down.
minutes later, George Michael himself walked out of the bathroom. He glanced
both ways, making sure that Andy was nowhere to be seen. "Damn if I'm going
to get caught alone in a bathroom again. I don't know why I never thought of
that naked soap dispenser trick before, though. Kills two birds with one stone."
He walked around the front to his seat, careful not to be seen by the young
man who had just unknowingly cleaned his pipes.
the wedding was underway. Various Spice Girls songs that no one thought could
possibly become any worse were played on violins; they were worse. Beckham waited
patiently at the front of the aisle while Posh strolled down it, her head raised,
her nose upturned, and the silver spoon implanted in her mouth gleaming (metaphorically
speaking, of course). Rows of bouncers parted so that Posh could navigate the
aisle comfortably. Suddenly, a girl stood up in the back row and began yelling.
bunch of pigs!" she yelled. "Do you know how far back you've set feminism?"
Bouncers started moving towards her. "Not only do you dress, look, and
act like sluts, but you're making a mockery of marriage itself! You make me
and Scary watched this entire ordeal from their seats. "Look!" Sporty
exclaimed. "That bird's got earrings in her right ear!" She got up
to move towards the short girl with close-cut red hair.
Scary agreed, "but she's got them in her left ear too."
bloody hell!" Sporty yelled, and crossed her arms angrily.
let's go help the bouncers get rid of her," Scary said. "She's yelling
all those big words, and I can't take much more."
two girls got up and walked quickly to the girl, who was slipping around chairs
trying to avoid being thrown out, saying her piece as she walked.
You!" Scary yelled when she had finally reached her. "Who are you?"
Ruth," Scary said, emphasizing her name, "I think it would be a good
idea if you fucked off."
me?" she yelled. One of the bouncers caught up to her and picked her up
by her arms.
I can help you carry her if you want," said Sporty.
up!" yelled Scary. Then, turning to Ruth, she added, "Go away."
and screaming, Ruth was led out the front of the castle, and tossed into the
crowd of people gathered.
Posh resumed her walk up the aisle. When she reached the front, the music stopped
playing. She sat down next to Beckham, whose blank stare was focused directly
ahead. A minister who bore a striking resemblance to Rowan Atkinson walked in
front of the couple with a glass in his hand, and began to speak. He had a smirk
on his face.
this would be the part when I stand in front of the congregation and make remarks
about how much I love the bride and groom. I'd talk about how I've known them
for so many years and how much warmth they bring to my life when I see them
together holding hands." His smirk disappeared. "Well, that's bollocks.
To begin with, I've never met these two excuses for human beings in my life
before today, and to be honest, I could live the rest of my life in complete
satisfaction if I never see them again." He sipped from the glass. "You're
probably wondering what it is that I'm drinking. Ah yes, the more naïve
among you would no doubt believe that I have water in here, to quench my thirst
whilst I ramble on about what a lovely couple the caveman and his harem girl
are. No, this is not water. It is sacramental wine. One of my priest friends
recommended it, promising me a light buzz that would numb the pain of this unspeakable
act against common sense. I am, of course, speaking of the marriage between
Victoria Adams and David Beckham, more commonly know as Posh Spice and Pretty
Boy Football Player. Let's examine this lovely relationship, shall we? Boy meets
girl by watching a music video in which she is dancing around wearing a miniskirt
and lip synching to some atrocious piece of garbage that she lip synchs to on
stages across the world. When he sees this girl, he turns to his best friend
and brags that someday, somehow, he will get her in the sack and bang the living
shit out of her. Well, when that day came, not only did he bang the living shit
out of her, but he banged a small child out of her. Yes, a child. A child doomed
to live the rest of his life being mocked by his peers because his mother and
father thought they were clever for naming him after a piece of a city. Then,
after getting pregnant, the wonderful duo moved in together, spending each and
every day giggling about material wealth and struggling to remain in an increasingly
dimming spotlight, hoping against all odds that someone still knows who they
are. Then, they have the audacity to request each other's hand in marriage."
He looked at the bride and groom, the former with a look of shocked horror on
her face, and the latter with his usual blank stare. "I'd say you did this
entire thing ass-backwards, didn't you? What's the point of being married now?
You're already living together with a child you had out of wedlock, so what's
the point? Oh, wait, I remember." He sipped the wine again. "The point
is to whore yourselves to the media so that you can maintain a grasp on that
tenuous thread by which you are so desperately clinging to your fifteen minutes
of fame. This is not a wedding; this is a mockery of a wedding. If either of
you honestly cared for the other enough to marry them, which I highly doubt,
you would have opted for a nice, normal ceremony like other celebrities, rather
than by turning everything into a media circus. The fact that opulence is the
key ingredient in this ceremony appalls me, and leads me to wonder what exactly
you are trying to prove. The only thing missing from this disgusting little
display of money is the band of dancing seals and singing parakeets." He
chugged the last of the wine. "So now, it falls upon me to marry the two
of you. God is no doubt laughing His holy ass off at the moment, for you two
have just proven to the world what it means to care more for showmanship, material
wealth, visual effects, and presentation than for each other's hearts, and I
will live happily ever after knowing that nothing can save you from the fiery
pits of Hell. But, since you are paying me for this little charade, I might
as well play the devil's advocate by giving the two of you vows to exchange."
He produced a book from his pocket, then added, "And may God have mercy
on your souls."
crowd sat in complete silence. The minister motioned for Posh and Beckham to
stand, which they did somewhat reluctantly. "Now my dear," he said,
addressing Posh, "I'm going to read a few lines, and you're supposed to
respond to them. Try to keep up, eh?"
you, Victoria, take David, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to occasionally
have and hold, in sickness and in health, though it depends on how sick we're
talking, in good times and in bad, or until your flow of cash runs out, all
the days of your life? Until your impending divorce, that is."
said, "You know, I don't think I like your attitude. Why don't you
Leaping from her chair, Scary bolted up the aisle before Posh could finish.
She whispered something in her ear, at which point Posh turned back to the minister
and said, "Oh
I do." Scary breathed a heavy sigh of relief,
then returned to her seat.
minister turned to Beckham. "Now, I realize that you've been kicked in
the head several times, but all you have to do is agree to the exact same terms
I just read to your trollop. Think you can do that?"
struggled for the right words. "Me
do?" he finally said.
enough," the minister said, rolling his eyes. "I now pronounce you
man and leech. You may kiss the harlot."
that very moment, David Beckham turned to Posh, pushed her back, and pulled
off the rubber mask he was wearing, revealing himself to be none other than
Oliver. The crowd gasped. He reached into his pocket and produced a radio with
a trigger on it. "Now!" he yelled into the radio, as he pressed the
makeshift trigger on its side. Instantly, the aisle erupted with a loud explosion,
sending the goons-for-hire flying through the air.
front door of the castle cracked, and as the shocked congregation turned around
to gasp, a group of soccer players stormed into the hall. They pulled off their
various disguises, revealing themselves to be an army of young people. In the
front was Cloud, flanked by several others he had managed to gather for this
occasion. At his side was Geri Halliwell, formerly known as Ginger Spice. All
of his legions were dressed in various T-shirts, jeans, and fatigues. Some of
the more serious ones had donned face paint. "Let's rock," he said
with a smile.
Chapter VI: Restitution.
and copyright 1999, CloudVader Productions. Do not reproduce without giving
the author, Cloud Volpe, due credit.