Foreward: A bit of explanation is necessary for those of you who don't follow the Spice Girls and/or tabloid journalism. Here on American television or in American newspapers, when is the last time you can remember hearing an honest-to-goodness news article about the Spice Girls that didn't involve them breaking up in a couple months, or being washed-up has-beens (or a brief blurb about how much they suck)?
Well, it seems that our friendly Briton neighbors across the pond have at least one tabloid article per week about none other than Victoria Beckham herself. And seeing as I subscribe to a celebrity gossip newsgroup, I can't help but stumble across these tidbits in my web surfing. Now, you may think that there's nothing out of the ordinary about being in a tabloid week after week.
Sure, maybe if you're talking about Robert Downey, Jr.
But Posh Spice is a different story. Each week, the article focuses on something no one in their right minds aside from Victoria and her husband could give two shits about. Stories such as David's new haircut, Victoria's new shopping spree, or baby Brooklyn's first boner (okay, I'm kidding about the last one, but you get the point) literally clutter British tabloid newspapers constantly. The press loves Victoria, even though she has minimal talent, a skeletal, near-anorexic figure, and hasn't accomplished a single act of even the slightest importance since that wretched Spice World album came out. For the life of me, I can't figure out what's so damned fascinating, and I know I'm not alone.
But I could go on about this for a while. Suffice to say, the smallest, most inconsequential events of Victoria's life are broadcast in some form or another as often as her publicist's checks clear. And it's downright annoying to the inhabitants of Usenet, when we're trying to read more important stories about Richard Gere's gerbil problem and trying to avoid the flame wars.
So, in a bit of retaliation, and proving once again that that which is spur-of-the-moment is usually the most fun to write, I wrote a parody of these tabloid articles, appropriately entitled, "Posh Spice Takes a Shit" (thanks for the idea, Heather and AGC! :) ) and posted it on the newsgroup. And since the response on Usenet was so good, I figured I'd add it to the SGDVD site as a special.
And keep in mind that it's an allegorical parody, folks, not just childish fecal humor. :)
Enjoy!
Posh Spice Takes a Shit
S.G.D.V.D.
Mar 22 2000 1:59 PM ET
LONDON (S.G.D.V.D.) - Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham announced to the press earlier today that she has successfully taken a shit.
"It was a long and grueling process, but well worth it in the end," Posh told reporters. When asked what the nature of the turd was, Victoria could only say that it was "a bit long, with a few pieces of undigested corn visible."
Ever since the announcement, the tabloid has showered the Beckhams with attention, longing to catch the first photo of the posh performer's feces. The Beckhams are said to be in negotiations with the tabloid Reflector for a pounds 500,000 deal that could land the paper exclusive rights to interview and photograph the droppings.
Fortunately, Victoria sat down with us and spoke about her dung for a "donation" of a few thousand pounds.
It's not often that one witnesses such beauty and talent wrapped up in the skeletal body of a twenty-something woman who can't sing or act and has badly spaced breast implants. But sitting next to Victoria and her Neanderthal-proportioned husband, I noticed that she had a certain aura of fame about her that drew reporters to her, like flies to a pile of overrated, talentless garbage. She sported a crooked smile and played with two of her protruding ribs while we spoke.
SGDVD: It's been a long time since you took a shit, hasn't it?
Victoria Beckham: (laughing) Yes, it has. Almost three years.
SGDVD: So why the long wait?
VB: Oh, I had to get this turd to be perfect. Once a former dropping left my body, the remaining turds seemed to lose their direction. One turd wanted to go somewhere by itself, another wanted to distance itself from the others. But they're back on track now.
SGDVD: How long until your next shit?
VB: Oh, I'll be back on the porcelain throne within a few months!
SGDVD: Your bandmates have recently taken several dumps in recent months, especially ex-bandmate Geri Halliwell.
VB: Yes, well we're very happy for them. With any luck, I'll be taking several more shits down the road. This is only the beginning!
SGDVD: Were there any problems with the defecation?
VB: Not particularly. I didn't soil any of my undergarments because David was wearing them at the time.
SGDVD: What about…
VB: Oh, my son Brooklyn has recently taken a shit too!
SGDVD: That's nice. Now, I wanted to…
VB: He's so adorable when he shits!
SGDVD: I'm sure he…
VB: Pretty soon, he's going to shit just like David and I.
SGDVD: …
VB: We're going to buy him the best shit available.
SGDVD: Right. I wanted to talk about your recent stint on the runway, though.
VB: Oh, that was fun!
SGDVD: What was the general reaction of the crowd?
VB: It was wonderful! I walked out there, and all I could hear was "Skin and bones!" "Skeletal Spice!" and, "Fix your tits! They're crooked!"
SGDVD: This… didn't bother you?
VB: Of course not! With so much attention focused on my breasts and on "boning" me, why would I? It's obvious I'm a gorgeous, talented performer!
SGDVD: In all fairness, I don't think they meant…
VB: Did I mention how adorable my son is? Just look at him.
SGDVD: I…
VB: LOOK AT HIM!
SGDVD: Yes ma'am.
After the interview, hubby David Beckham showed me his new tattoo: a life-sized image of the droppings etched into his back. The couple said they were very proud of the shit, and hoped to shit together many times in the future.
We'll bring you more on Posh Spice's bathroom exploits as her publicist hands out numbers to more of our staff.
Trademark and copyright 2000, CloudVader Productions. Do not reproduce without giving the author, Cloud Volpe, due credit.
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