Note - this story mimics certain areas of the film 'Aliens' fairly closely. If you haven't seen the film, but intend to do so, then be warned that this story may contain spoilers as to the plot.

Note from Cloud: Believe it or not, this story was not penned by me! I must give full credit for this story to Oliver Mulvey, whose imagination is just as twisted and wonderfully entertaining as my own! So, I hope you enjoy this wonderful satire he's so graciously allowed me to publish on my page.

vs. Aliens

by Oliver Mulvey

(EXT: Barren Wasteland - We look out over a barren, blasted rocky wasteland. The wind howls over the ground, sweeping along billowing waves of dust. A tiny sun provides a few rays of light, but for the most part the scene is dark. This is LV 426, the planet first seen in 'Alien'.)

(Gradually, a rumbling noise becomes audible over the howling of the wind. After a few moments, a bus rolls into frame, adorned with a gaudy Union Jack design. It struggles over the uneven surface.)

(INT: Bus - The five little sluts are here, on their way to their latest concert.)

Scary: Hey, I'm not quite sure this is New York. I think we're lost.

Posh: Of course we're lost: Ginger's driving.

Ginger (from driving seat): Watch it, bitch.

Posh: Watch it yourself, whore.

Ginger: Slut!

Posh: Cow!

(Posh and Ginger prepare for a fight, but Scary intercedes.)

Scary: Calm down. We'll just stop and ask for directions.

Posh: Yeah, that really worked well last time; remember, that guy at the service station with the 'I love Bush' pin on his shirt. I knew we shouldn't have listened when he told us we'd need to catch a starship to get to New York. But then, you did insist on listening to Ginger.

Ginger: Remind me, bitch, who let Baby eat the map?

Baby: Teh Heh. Duh.

Posh: Don't try blaming this on me. It's Sporty's fault for pissing off the driver by swiping his copy of Razzle.

Sporty: I only wanted it for the bloody articles.

(EXT: Colony Outskirts - The bus rolls towards the abandoned colony. They pass a sign reading 'Hadley's Hope: Population 156.')

(INT: Bus)

Scary: Wow, a hundred and fifty six people. I've never seen that many before; we only get two or three at our concerts.

Ginger: Shit! We have GOT to play here. Look at the place, (she gestures at the barren wilderness outside) it's far better than any of our other venues.

Posh: Really Ginger, I'm surprised you can count to 156. Or does that just happen to be the number of men you've slept with this week.

Ginger: Shut up, bitch.

(EXT: Colony street - The bus shudders to a stop outside the main colony gate. With the engine turned off, the only sound is that of the wind.)

(INT: Bus - The girls, spooked by the sudden quiet, look at each other nervously.)

Scary: Erm, this is actually kind of spooky.

Sporty: So, do we just walk up and knock?

Ginger: Let's send Posh to knock. If something hideous jumps out and eats her, nobody will mind.

Posh: Ok. (She thinks, or at least pretends to, for a moment) Wait a minute. Piss off, bitch.

Scary: Let's all go. After all, who could possible want to hurt us? The idea is as ridiculous as somebody writing a story about us being killed by acid-blooded creatures from our worst nightmares.

Sporty: Ha ha. I'm sure that if anybody did that, all of our fans would write intelligent, well worded complaints, using lower case letters, to the misguided soul responsible.

Posh: I'm really beginning to think that going out there would be a stupendously bad idea.

Ginger: Of course it's a bad idea, but then so was Wannabe and nobody's complained about that.

Posh (turning to the others): You're not going to listen to this stupid bitch are you?

The others: Sure, why not?

Posh: Ok, but if we go, we should take some of these ridiculously large guns that seem to be lying on the back seat.

(She gestures to a pile of smart-guns and pulse-rifles. If you've seen the film, you'll know how HUGE these guns are.)

Scary: That's odd. They've never been there before.

Ginger: Yeah, they'd have been really useful that time Godzilla attacked us.

Sporty: Or that time we met our doubles from an alternate universe.

Scary: Oh well. Who cares about that anyway? When has continuity ever mattered?

(The girls each choose a gun. Most of them manage to hold their weapon the right way round on the second attempt.)

(EXT: Colony main gate - The girls file out of their bus. We hear a whistling sound as the wind flows between their ears. They make their way to the main door.)

(Posh reaches up and knocks on the huge metal gate. No sound can be heard over the wind.)

Posh: There's nobody in, let's go home.

Ginger: Bullshit. Somebody run a bypass.

All: What? How? Duh.

Ginger: Look, I'll show you.

(She walks to a keypad by the door and starts pressing buttons at random. Nothing happens.)

Ginger: Uh, it must be broken.

Posh: Crap, you're just too thick to open it.

Ginger: You... Utter... Bitch

(Ginger and Posh start tearing into each other, both using nails and teeth, forgetting that they are holding guns. As they struggle, Posh's head is banged against the door. With a loud grinding noise it opens. Posh does not appear at all fazed.)

Scary: Are you alright?

Posh: Sure: it was only my head.

Sporty: Do you want me to kiss it better? (She stops, the others are staring at her.) What? What did I say? I'm just concerned. That's all. I'm not strai... I mean I'm not gay.

All: Shut up!

(The girls look through the newly opened gate. Inside, they can see a damp, dimly lit passageway stretching into the distance.)

Ginger: Hello, anybody home?

Posh: What a dump.

Scary: If we were REALLY stupid, we'd split up and explore this place in small groups.

Sporty: Ha. Even we're not that stupid. (Yeah, but the marines in the film are.)

(INT: Colony corridor - The girls walk down the corridor, their usual banal banter momentarily subdued thanks to the oppressive nature of their surroundings. They come to an opening into a larger room, with holes in the floor and ceiling. Rain pours in through the gaps in the roof.)

Sporty: Look at that water. It looks just like a shower. (She pauses for a moment.) I haven't showered for a while. Let's all strip off and clean ourselves up.

(The others start to edge away from her.)

Sporty: What? It was just an idea.

Posh: Where the hell is everybody? (She looks accusingly at Ginger.) You surely didn't tell them we were coming, did you?

(INT: Colony - The girls walk through a door into the next room. This is the medical lab. All the beds are empty, but on a shelf is a jar, filled with preservative. It holds a live face-hugger.)

(The girls spot the face-hugger and walk over to it.)

Scary: What the hell is that?

Ginger: Posh's ex-boyfriend, I think. I believe he dumped her.

(Before Posh can think of a retort, the face-hugger tenses, then lunges. The glass shatters, freeing the trapped creature. It stands for a moment on the shelf, examining each girl in turn. It's posture suggests that it's pissed off by such a lousy choice of victims. After a few seconds, it makes up its mind and leaps at Baby. It wraps itself around her face in the way that we all know and love. Baby giggles once and then collapses.)

(The other four girls stoop to examine the creature.)

Ginger: Eeeew. Look, it's rammed something down her throat.

Posh: You should be familiar with that situation.

Sporty: It's not fair. How come it gets to give her a Frenchie when it doesn't even know her.

All: Shut up!

(INT: Colony Control Room - The girls enter the control room, dragging baby behind them. The room is filled with high tech equipment.)

Posh: Maybe one of these computers can tell us where everybody is.

(She walks over to a computer terminal. It is fantastically complex, but there is a sticky label attached to the screen. It says "They're taking us to the atmosphere processor. That's the big building that looks like a volcano. If you value your life, just turn around and go home".)

(Posh stares in bewilderment at the computer. She taps a few buttons and looks at the screen to see if anything's happened. The sticky label obscures her view of the screen, so she removes it and throws it away.)

(Some hours later)

Computer (automated voice): Look, you silly bitch, everybody's in the atmosphere processor. ATMOSPHERE PROCESSOR.

Posh: I can't find out anything from this stupid machine. Let's try wandering around aimlessly for a while.

(INT: Colony Corridor - The girls walk back along the corridor towards the main gate. Suddenly, a figure darts across their path. Instinctively, Sporty raises her gun and fires. However, since she knows absolutely nothing about fighting, having let her stunt-double do all the shooting and kicking in the SYBT video, she misses hopelessly. The figure huddles at the side of the corridor. As the girls approach, they realise the figure is tiny, only a child. The child's face is obscured.)

Scary: Who are you? Where is everybody?

(The figure does not reply, but raises its head. The girl's come to an awful realisation: it's Zach from Hanson.)

Sporty: Oh shit. Can I shoot him? Please.

Scary: Wait. Maybe he can tell us where everybody is.

Zach: They're dead, all dead. And you will be soon, I hope.

Scary: Quit moaning. Where the hell is everybody.

Zach: They're in the atmosphere processor now. But trust me, you really don't want to go there.

Scary: Shut it. Who do you think you are to tell us what we really really want.

Ginger: Yeah, 'cause we've got Girl Power.


Zach: Oh God. Not that. Fine, go to the atmosphere processor, see if I care.

(EXT: Colony Streets - The girl's bus drives through the streets towards the immense bulk of the atmosphere processor. The bus stops at the top of a ramp leading down into the bowels of the huge complex.)

(INT: Bus - The girls and Zach are staring down the ramp. Baby is lying inert on the back seat. The face-hugger is still present. This is fortunate; its presence improves her looks considerably. Her comatose state also gives her a greater air of intelligence than is normal.)

Posh: Look, this isn't a good idea. Everybody's gone now. Going down there would be extremely silly.

Ginger: Tough shit, bitch. We're going. If you're too scared, you can just stay here on the bus and shag Zach. He should be about the right age for you.

Posh & Zach together: Please: I do have some standards.

(They glare at each other.)

Ginger: I can see you two are going to get on just fine.

Scary: I'll tell you what we'll do. We'll take these walkie-talkies and these camcorders that have suddenly appeared. That way we'll be able to stay in touch with you.

Posh: Wonderful. Just what I always wanted.

(INT: Atmosphere Processor Ramp - Ginger, Scary and Sporty walk down the ramp, holding weapons and cameras.)

(INT: Bus - Posh and Zach watch a screen, which shows the scene as it is recorded by the cameras.)

(INT: Atmosphere Processor Ramp - The three girls come to a door at the bottom of the ramp. It opens to reveal a vision from hell. The walls of the corridor beyond are covered by alien secretions. The air is misty and damp.)

Scary: Shit. They should sue the interior decorator.

Posh (over the walkie-talkie): I bet this reminds Ginger of home.

Ginger: Shut it, bitch.

(INT: Alien Corridor - The girls move cautiously down the corridor. They come upon a woman, secreted into the wall. She is alive, but delirious.)

Woman: Help ... me ... Get ... me ... down ... (Suddenly she realises who she is talking to) Oh... shit... not... the... Spice... Girls... Kill... Me...

(As she finishes speaking, her sternum explodes. An alien chest-buster emerges slowly, surveying its surroundings. It examines the girls and comes to the conclusion that it would have been better not to have been born. It dashes back inside the corpse of the now dead woman.)

(The girls watch, horrified. As they stare, several alien warriors drop down from the ceiling behind them. One of them lunges at Ginger. Its claws plunge into her head. However, since Ginger's head is of course empty, the attack does not seem to bother her. Sporty and Scary open up on the aliens with their weapons. Ginger goes to do the same, but her gun will not fire. She examines it.)

Ginger: Some bitch has nicked the batteries from my gun.

(INT: Bus - Posh grins. She sits back in her seat and watches the fight on her screen. The girls are fighting off the aliens, but more are closing in on them all the time. Every alien that dies is replaced by two of its brethren. The girls are all covered with lacerations inflicted by the aliens claws. Posh laughs harder and orders Zach to fetch her some popcorn. On the screen, several of Ginger's fingers are bitten off by an alien. Posh laughs so hard that she falls out of her seat. As she falls, she strikes the handbrake, knocking it off. The bus starts to roll down the ramp, gathering speed. Posh panics and tries to pull the handbrake back on, but the bus is moving to fast. It smashes through the door at the bottom of the ramp.)

(INT: Alien Corridor - the girls are out of ammunition. Aliens press in on them from all sides. Suddenly, several of the aliens are sent sprawling by the bus, which rolls to a stop at the girls' feet.)

Ginger: Quick, sing at them. It's our only hope.

(The girls launch into 'Wannabe'. The aliens writhe in pain on the ground, allowing the girls to leap onto the bus.)

(INT: Atmosphere Processor Ramp - The bus, dented, scraped and scarred by acid, shoots backwards up the ramp and out into the wilderness beyond.)

(EXT: Wilderness - The girls and Zach file out of the bus. No sooner have they done so than it explodes.

Zach: It's game over for you now. You're screwed. Well, at least Posh is. By at least a dozen men per night.

Posh: Screw you, shithead.

Ginger: Really, Posh. I didn't know you were into child abuse.

Posh: Shut it, bitch. This is all your fault.

Ginger: Oh yeah, slut. Was it me who wrecked the bus?

(Yelling their traditional battle cry of 'bitch', Ginger and Posh launch into battle with each other again.)

Zach: Stop it. We should get inside now. It's almost night. THEY come at night.

Posh: Really, Ginger comes several times most nights. It just depends on how many batteries she has left.

(INT: Colony Control Room - The girls are weighing up their ammunition situation.)

Scary: We've got two thousand rounds of ammo for the guns, a hundred grenades and enough food and water to last us for two years, by which time we'll either have been rescued or have killed each other. However, we have a problem. I've almost finished my stash of coke and we only have enough batteries to last us for two nights

Posh and Ginger (panicking): Oh Shit.

Scary: So we've got to get out of here somehow.

Sporty: Why? This little snot (pointing at Zach) survived for ages without any batteries at all.

Scary: Yes, but he doesn't need batteries for the same reasons that we do.

Sporty: Why do we need batteries at all? We've got each other.

Scary: Ugh. You sick bitch.

Zach: I hate to interrupt this charming scene, but chances are that in a few hours this room is going to be swarming with creatures even less likeable than yourselves. (Note: This is debatable. The aliens may be acid-blooded killing machines, but at least they don't sing) It really might be a good idea to have some sort of a plan.

All: Ummm. Ahhh. Duh.

Ginger (with an expression of immense concentration): How about this? If anything comes through the door, we shoot it.

All: Sounds great.

Zach: Machiavelli eat your heart out. Now, since you ladies have everything worked out, I'm going to the medical bay to sleep. It's past my bedtime.

Posh: Yeah, and I'm just going to put Baby on one of those beds; I'm sick of dragging her around.

(INT: Medical Bay - Posh and Zach enter. Posh is dragging Baby by her hair. The face-hugger is gone now. The time of hatching is close at hand. Zach lies down on a bunk whilst Posh hoists Baby onto another bed.)

Zach: Did you ever have children?

Posh: Well in real life I got banged up by my boyfriend outside of wedlock and set a fine example for an entire generation of girls.

Zach: What happened to your child?

Posh: Uuuh, it's not here.

Zach: You mean it's dead?

Posh: No, I mean that the author of this story decided not to include it.

Zach: Mummy said that there's no such thing as monsters, real monsters; but there are. There's the Spice Girls.

(Some time later. Zach is asleep, Posh is pretending to read a medical book, holding it upside down, and Baby is stirring.)

Baby (weakly): Te He! Duh!

Posh: So you've decided to rejoin us have you?

(Baby's sternum starts to expand as the chest-buster fights for freedom. Baby giggles harder and harder. The chest-buster emerges in a shower of blood. Baby dies both from the gaping wound in her chest and from laughter.

Posh (to the chest-buster): Honestly, you wreck clothes faster than fat-arsed old Ginger does when she borrows my dresses.

(The chest-buster rears up and yells a battle cry. Zack is woken by the noise. Posh looks around frantically, but there are no guns in sight. In desperation she tries to sing at the alien. However, no sounds emerge from her gaping mouth and the alien advances towards her.)

Posh: Shit! I always knew that I'd regret only knowing how to lip-synch.

(Suddenly, the alien recoils as a hideous sound fills the room: Zach has started singing MMMBOP. The chest-buster tries to flee, but the ghastly noise is too much and it explodes.)

Zach: Hey, Posh bitch, you owe me one now.

Posh: Are you joking? You just made me listen to MMMBOP. Death would have been preferable.

(INT: Colony Control Room - Posh and Zach enter as the other girls are discussing their situation.)

Scary (pointing at Ginger): This stupid bitch has used up all our batteries. Two days' supplies in one hour. We have to get out of here right now. (To Zach) Is there ANY way out?

Zach: Sure there is. There's a huge spaceship parked over on the other side of the colony.

Posh: Yes, but you can piss off if you think I'm going outside again.

Zach: There's no need to. We just send somebody to go and fetch it. All they have to do is crawl down a sewage pipe for two miles, dodge the giant swinging blades, ward off the rabid alligators and then pilot an extremely advanced and difficult to fly spaceship over to us. I say we send Ginger.

Ginger: What? Why?

Zach: Well if you die then I'm sure that the others will be able to manage without you.

(Ginger is dragged into a washroom. We hear repeated flushing noises. Eventually, the girls emerge without Ginger.)

Posh: You have no idea how happy that made me.

Scary: So what do we do now? Just sit here and wait to be rescued?

Zach: That's one possibility. There's also a good chance that any moment now the aliens are going to burst in here and kill us all.

(There is a discreet knocking at the door.)

Zach: Aaah. That will be the aliens now.

(The door bursts open and dozens of aliens pour through. The girls seize guns and the carnage begins yet again.)

Sporty (firing wildly): Come on you bastards. Don't you guys have any women for god's sake.

Zach: I hate to interrupt the fun, but it seem to me that staying here is an extremely stupid thing to do. Then again, what else should I expect from you?

(Zach turns to the wall, opens up a grating and climbs into a vent. The girls follow him. Zach takes the lead, followed by Posh, Sporty is next and Scary is bringing up the rear. The aliens are in hot pursuit. Scary fires at her pursuers, but her gun soon clicks empty. By the time she has reloaded, an alien is upon her. She fires, killing it and succeeds in spraying acid over herself. She lies wounded and cries out to the others. Zach and Posh do not hear, but continue their flight. However, Sporty turns around and returns to the injured Scary.)

Sporty (grinning lecherously): At last. I have you and you cannot flee. Now I can have my wicked way with you.

Scary: NOOOOOOO!!!!!

(Scary grabs a grenade from her pocket. Her face is flushed with relief as she pulls out the pin. KABOOM)

(INT: Vent - The explosion rocks Zach and Posh. The floor underneath Zach gives way and he falls into a pool of water. Posh hurries on without giving him a second thought.)

(EXT: Colony Landing Pad - Posh emerges onto the landing pad just as a huge spaceship soars overhead. The ship is painted in a manner reminiscent of the girls' bus. The ship lands and Posh climbs aboard. Ginger is sat at the controls, covered from head to toe with sewage.)

(INT: Spaceship - As the spaceship takes off, Posh joins Ginger in the control room.)

Ginger: What the hell do you mean. The other's can't be dead. I haven't crawled through sewage just to save your slutty hide.

Posh: Tough shit, Ginger. And by the way, we're not leaving yet. We have to save Zach.

Ginger: Bugger that. Why do you want to save that revolting little turd?

Posh: Not very well informed about current events are you? Baby, Sporty and Scary are dead. That just leaves us. We were enough of a joke when there were five of us. We won't have a chance as a duet. Perhaps if we can get him to join the group then the novelty value might sell some records.

(INT: Atmosphere Processor - The spaceship flies to a landing pad high up inside the building. Posh equips herself with a huge variety of exotic weapons. Then she sees how they are creasing her dress and decides to take a single gun instead.)

Ginger: Have fun down there. With any luck I'll never see you again.

Posh (suddenly very emotional): We may have had our differences, but I'm sure we've had fun really. Even when you ruined my clothes and pinched my batteries and generally annoyed me by flashing your tits at anything that moved.

Ginger: Oh yes, I really enjoyed it when you slept with every man in sight and used my tampons and generally annoyed me with your vile, pretentious ways and obnoxious boyfriends.

Posh (getting ready to leave): See you soon, Ginger.

Ginger: Geri, please.

Posh: Victoria.

Ginger: Good luck.

Posh: Now that we're best mates, do you think that you could try not to leave without me. Even if you get bored.

Ginger: Of course. I promise.

(However, as she turns away, she is grinning evilly.)

(Posh leaves the spaceship and climbs into a nearby elevator.)

(INT: Lift - The elevator descends. Posh rearranges her weaponry as tacky music plays.)

Elevator (automated voice): You know, you're really going in the wrong direction here. It's not much fun down there. Besides, he's not really worth it. Have you heard his music? He's even worse than you.

Posh: I know; that's why I want him in the band. To make me look good.

Lift: I hardly think that's likely.

Posh: Shut it.

(INT: Alien Corridor - Posh emerges from the lift. She moves cautiously through the corridors. She searches in vain for Zach. Suddenly, the alien hive is filled with a dreadful noise; Zach is singing MMMBOP again. Overriding all her instincts, Posh heads towards the source of the sound. She emerges into the alien egg chamber.)

(INT: Alien Egg Chamber - The alien Queen stands in the centre of the room, attached to her egg sack. She is writhing in agony as the din washes over her. Zach is fixed to the wall and is singing as loud as he can. As Posh enters, the Queen turns to face her.)

Queen (desperately): Take... him... help... me...

(Posh cuts Zach down from the wall. He stops singing. The alien Queen bows in gratitude and her attendant warriors part to allow Posh a clear path of escape. She walks slowly away from the Queen.)

Zach: You know, it would probably be extremely stupid to try firing your gun at this point.

Posh: I know that. But speaking of my gun, I wonder what this button does.

(Posh pushes the button. The button activates the gun's under-barrel grenade launcher. Several grenades hit the Queen, destroying her egg sack. The alien warriors attack and Posh starts shooting. She fights her way clear and, grabbing Zach, she runs towards the elevator. The Queen is in hot pursuit. Posh reaches the elevator and climbs in, just as a rather pissed-off alien Queen arrives. The elevator starts to ascend, but the Queen climbs up underneath it.)

(INT: Atmosphere Processor - The elevator opens, just in time for Posh to see the spaceship lifting off. A grinning Ginger sits at the controls. Behind Posh, the alien Queen emerges from the elevator shaft. Tucking Zach under her arm, Posh takes a running jump and manages to land on the hull of the spaceship. Ginger sees this and swoops back towards the platform in an attempt to throw her off. Posh climbs inside the spaceship through a hatch, but the Queen manages to discretely hide herself on the bottom of the ship. The spaceship roars up, away from the planet.)

(INT: Ship in Orbit - Posh and Ginger enter the ship's docking bay at the same time. Zach cowers in the corner.)

Posh and Ginger: BITCH!!!

(They attack each other with a savagery that makes the aliens look like spring lambs. Ginger gains the upper hand, but as she raises herself above Posh to deliver the killing blow, a huge spike suddenly protrudes from her chest. It is the stinger from the alien Queen's tail. The Queen raises Ginger and tears her apart. As Ginger dies, the ground is splattered not with blood, but with silicone. The Queen then turns her attention to Zach.)

Queen: Come here you little bastard. You'll never sing again.

Posh: Oh. Is that a promise?

(The Queen starts chasing Zach around the docking bay. Posh slips out unnoticed. The Queen corners Zach and closes in for the kill. She raises her claws to strike, but is interrupted by the sound of a door opening. Posh enters in a power loader.)

Posh: Oh shit. Haven't you killed him yet?

(Posh moves to attack the Queen. Unfortunately, her knowledge of fighting techniques comes only from the SYBT video. She is completely unable to attack anything other than a goldfish bowl. She flails uselessly at the Queen and falls on her ass. The Queen starts laughing. Posh manages to stand the loader up again, only to walk straight into a wall. The Queen laughs harder. Posh manages to sever one of the loader's legs and has to resort to hopping around the deck. The Queen is rolling with laughter. The poor loader finally gives up the struggle and shuts down. The Queen laughs so hard that she falls out of the docking bay and plummets back to the planet.

(INT: Starship Hypersleep Chamber - Posh and Zach are preparing to enter hypersleep.)

Zach: So what now?

Posh: Our careers should end sometime within the next six months, after which we'll be forced to go on welfare and I'll probably end up in a drug rehab centre at some point in the next five years. But for now I think we should just get into the sleep chambers.

Zach: Can we dream?

Posh: No. You need to have a brain to dream.


Observant readers may have noticed that Posh actually survives this little escapade. There is a reason for this. Watch Alien 3 (even though it's not as good as the first 2 films) and watch what happens to Ripley. I think you'll agree that Posh has quite an excruciating death to look forwards to.

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