He's so Gorgeous !   vs.    I wouldn't shag them with Yours, baby !

(Austin Powers is lounging in his apartment, trying desperately to reassemble his Swedish-made penis enlarger.)

Austin: Damn, damn, damn! I had to go and break this thing right before Vanessa comes home. Who knew that anyone could clog this thing up so rotten?

(Suddenly, his videophone rings loudly. Austin, startled, drops his penis enlarger on the floor, whereupon it promptly breaks into several pieces.)

Austin: Son of a…! (The phone continues ringing.) Oh damn… probably British intelligence… (He leans over the table and pushes the button on the videophone.)

Basil Exposition (on the screen of the videophone): Austin! This is Basil Exposition with British intelligence. (He notices Austin fooling with the penis enlarger.) Oh, I've caught you at a bad time! I have one of those buggers at home, and you wouldn't believe the mess when my wife and I decide to…

Austin (interrupting): Oh, it's no bother at all! It's cool, baby. (He tosses the penis enlarger behind him, giving up on it.)

Basil: Ah, right. Well, we have for you a mission of the utmost importance.

Austin: Groovy baby! What is it?

Basil: We as a nation have a bit of an image concern rooted in five fiendish women called the Spice Girls. It is very important that they are eliminated as soon as possible.

Austin: Spice Girls, eh? (He thinks for a moment.) Oh, yeah baby! I remember those five vixens! That Ginger one, I'd like to shag her, baby! Shag her rotten!

Basil: Yes, well, regardless, they are a disgrace to the music of England. In addition to embarrassing an entire country, they seem to have the ability to brainwash unsuspecting children into buying their CD's and thinking that they have some iota of talent.

Austin: I'll find them and sha… I mean, eliminate… them as soon as possible!

Basil: Good, Austin. We're counting on you! British intelligence out. (The screen goes black.)

(Austin gets up to leave, and looks at the penis pump lying on the floor.)

Austin (to the penis enlarger): You would've come in handy for this mission, old girl! (He leaves.)

(Meanwhile, the Spice Bus is cruising down the roads of England's countryside. Sporty is storming away from the bus driver in anger.)

Bus Driver: I told ya before, ya dumb bitch, I don't subscribe to Hustler! Why don't I just drop you off at a friggin peep show?

Sporty Spice: I told you before, I only read it for the articles!

Bus Driver (red with anger): All right, that's it. (He stops the bus on a dime, and stands up.) I've had all I can take outta you five! (The other four Spice Girls look up at him from their seats.) If it's not this one beggin' me for a porno mag…

Sporty: They have good stories!

Bus Driver: Shut up! (He looks at Ginger and Posh.) It's these two beatin' the shit out of each other every day, (looks at Scary) or this one shedding and leavin' her damned crack in the sink, (looks at Baby) or this one not being able to say more than three words of gibberish!

Baby Spice: Tee hee! Duhhhhhh…

Bus Driver: See what I mean? (He walks to the bus door.) Screw you guys, I'm going home.

Posh Spice: What? You can't leave! Who will drive the bus?

Bus Driver: Look, bitch, you can rot on this bus for all I care. I've taken enough shit from you five to last a lifetime, and my pension will cover all the stuff I need once I leave this bus!

(He walks out the door. The bus, stranded, seats five Spice Girls staring blankly in amazement.)

Ginger Spice: Well, that was certainly rude!

Scary Spice: You'd think the preliminary bus driving tests would single out the more pleasant ones and leave people like him to drive cabs in New York!

Sporty: Actually, he was one of the pleasant ones. The other drivers applied because they wanted a chance to take all five of us out with a bus bomb.

Posh (to Ginger): Imagine the nerve! He actually thinks we fight all the time!

Ginger: Yeah, what a moron!

Posh (eyeing up Ginger): Wait a minute, isn't that one of my new dresses you're wearing??? I wondered where the hell it got to!

Ginger: I own it fair and square! You always throw out clothing after the first time you wear it, so this is mine now, bitch!

Posh: What if I wanted to wear it again, slut?

Ginger: Too damn bad!

Posh: Bitch!

Ginger: Whore!

(The two enraged women leap at each other, their fingernails ready to tear the throats out of one another. The fight ensues for several minutes, until both women desist, leaving Posh bruised and bloody, and Ginger's new dress torn to shreds. She is standing there in front of them, naked as the day she was born, after major plastic surgery, of course. The girls all look away in disgust, except for Sporty, whose mouth is gaping open.)

Posh: You bitch! Look what you did to my dress!

Ginger: What I did? You tore it up when you tried to rip out my implants, you stupid slut!

Sporty: Hey Ginger! I'd really like to have your breasts!

(All the others stare at Sporty in disgusted, puzzled looks.)

Sporty: Er… I mean… I'd like to… uh… get a pair of implants like them! Yeah, that's what I meant! (Everyone is still staring at her.) What? What'd I say?

Scary (turning back to Ginger): Look hon, we know you're used to being naked all the time, but at least put some clothes on now!

Ginger: Stop bringing up my past!

Scary: Past? Hell, I was talking about last night!

Posh: Maybe she should stop wearing clothes for a while. Why, she wrecked another dress of mine last week after she spent a night in the White House! I still can't get the damned stain to come out!

Ginger: Why you…! (She lunges again.)

Scary: Hey you two, knock it off… Baby's trying to tell us something!

Baby: Tee hee hee! Hee hee!

Sporty: She's right! There's a man with really bad teeth outside the bus spying on us!

Posh: Don't worry, it's probably Ginger's pimp here to pick up his money! (She screams as Ginger's fist knocks some of her fillings loose.)

(Austin Powers bursts through the bus's door.)

Austin: Hey, what are you foxes doing?

Scary: Who the hell are you?

Austin: I'm Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery, Baby!

(Ginger suddenly feels embarrassed about her nudity, and searches desperately for something to cover up her artificial body.)

Sporty (noticing Ginger's lack of covering): Hey, want me to sit on your lap and cover you up?

Ginger: Ew, you filthy, nasty…!

Sporty: Hey! I didn't mean it that way! I just thought…

Ginger: Well, thinking isn't your strong suit, is it? Come to think of it, you don't have a strong suit.

Sporty: Why yes I do! (She flexes her biceps.) I'm buff! These babies impress all the girls… I mean guys!

Posh (addressing Austin): So, why are you here?

Austin: Well, baby, I was sent here to kill the lot of you minxes.

Scary: Oh no! Isn't there anything we can do to stop you?

Austin: Well, now that you mention it, baby… (He begins tugging at his fly.)

Sporty: Ewww… no!

(Sporty, disgusted at the thought of Austin Powers' manhood, charges past him, and runs out of the bus. She stops about fifty feet away.)

Sporty (out of breath): Whew! I made it! I'm safe! I'm…

(Suddenly, a Bob's Big Boy falls from the sky and lands directly on Sporty Spice. The sound of bones crunching accompanies her immediate, grisly death.)

Austin: Oh no, it's…

(From a door on Bob's Big Boy, Dr. Evil emerges, holding a hairless cat in his arms.)

Dr. Evil: Well, if it isn't my arch-nemesis, Austin Powers! Mr. Bigglesworth has been very adamant about me killing you ever since our last encounter, so I figured I'd do this the old fashioned way… (He pulls a revolver out of his pocket, and aims it at Austin.) Goodbye, Mr. Powers.

(Austin quickly leaps for the outstretched gun, and manages to grab Dr. Evil's arm. While wrestling Dr. Evil, a bullet goes off. Scary is hit in the head, and falls to the ground dead.)

Dr. Evil: Let go! Let go!

(Another bullet goes off, landing in Posh's stomach. Then another, which lands in Ginger's chest with an explosion of saline. Finally, another bullet plants itself in Baby's head. She appears unfazed. Austin and Dr. Evil stop to view this apparent miracle.)

Baby: Tee hee hee hee hee!

Austin: I'll be damned… she's not dead, baby!

Dr. Evil: She must not have a brain in that head of hers to be damaged by a bullet…

Austin: Ah, right. Well, then, back to the struggling…

(They resume their struggle for control of the gun. A bullet fires from the chamber, and hits the bus's gas tank. Baby is jumping for joy at the fact that she isn't dead, when an explosion of flame suddenly roars through the bus, incinerating all inside. Meanwhile, Dr. Evil has managed to get control of his gun. He aims at Austin's forehead.)

Dr. Evil: I have you now, Austin Powers!

(He pulls the trigger, only to have an empty click echo through the gun's chamber.)

Dr. Evil: Damn! I knew I should've bought more than five frickin' bullets! You win this time, Austin Powers!

(Dr. Evil begins to stroll away. Austin watches him go. Just then, Vanessa Kensington pulls up in her car and runs to Austin.)

Vanessa: Austin! Isn't that Dr. Evil up ahead?

Austin: Yeah, baby, it is.

Vanessa: He's… gradually getting away, Austin.

Austin: Let him go, dear. He'll be back.

Vanessa: But Austin, he's your lifelong enemy! You have a chance to arrest him now and end his reign of tyranny!

Austin: You don't watch many movies, do you baby? (He grabs her by the arm and pulls her back to the car.) Let's go home and shag, baby! Yeah!


Trademark and copyright 1998, CloudVader Productions. Do not reproduce without giving the author, Cloud Volpe, due credit.

Many, many thanks go out to dazednconfused__@hotmail.com for lots of help developing this one!

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