You asked for it lots of times, and I said I'd never write it! Well, someone else wrote it, so there! :) Thanks to Magmos for this story. Check out her site, linked below.
vs.
The Backstreet Boys
by Magmos
(Scene- Orlando, Florida. Peaceful setting. People are laughing and enjoying themselves. All of a sudden, The Union Jack bus we all know and hate roars onto the scene. All people flee the area in sheer terror. The bus skids to a stop. The door opens and the driver storms out.)
Ginger: Hey! Where the hell do you think you're going?!
Driver: I'm sick and tired of all of you. She (points at Scary) keeps taking my paycheck to buy drugs! She (points at Posh) keeps rambling about Brooklyn! Gargoyles isn't on in Florida! She (points at Baby) is just so damn stupid! Tee hee my ass! She (points at Sporty) keeps stealing all my Playboys!
Sporty: I only wanted to read the articles!
Driver: That's it! I'm fed up. I quit!
Ginger: (watching him walk off) Well, at least he didn't have anything negative to say about me.
Posh: He's probably tired of you always trying to sell yourself to his five year old son.
Ginger: I only did that once... Hey! Was that an insult?
Posh: If the slut fits...
Ginger: Bitch!
Posh: Whore! (They fly at each other and begin a battle to claw out the other person's eyes. Scary seperates them.)
Scary: Cut the shit you two. We're lost in Florida, and all you do is fight! Don't you realize we have a concert to do, and we don't know where?
Baby: Tee hee hee duh!
Scary: Baby's right. You two are very selfish. You should be ashamed. What types of role models are you setting for hundreds of deranged teenaged fans like Katie and Summer? Now we've got to find a sleazy motel so I can restock. My stash is almost empty.
Sporty: Yeah, and I want to buy a hooker. (They all move away from her.) What? Not a female hooker. One of those male escorts, you know. It's not like I'm gay...
(Scene- Outside of a rundown motel. A neon sign flashs Harlotday Inn.The girls walk in and go to the counter where there is a fat balding man standing there.)
Bald man: Sorry girls, I've got all the prostitutes I can handle. Try again next month.
Ginger: We're not looking for work.
Bald man: (astonished) You're not?
Scary: No. We want rooms. Five please.
Bald man: Sorry girls, but we've only got two left. Some group already took up the other five.
Posh: (grimacing) You mean I have to share a room? No! I refuse to share! I'd rather sleep on the bus.
Ginger: Fine. All the more batteries for me.
Posh: On second thought...
Scary: We'll take the rooms.
Bald man: That'll be $40.
Posh: (shoves Ginger to the desk) Go on
Geri. Pay the nice man. Show him your chest.
Ginger: (shoves Posh) Look tramp, $40 is way too much to see my chest. Besides bitch, how do you know he hasn't already seen them?
Sporty: (pulls the bald man aside) Hey, can I get one of those prostitutes you were talking about?
Bald man: Sorry, but that other group has got them all occupied too.
Sporty: Who is this other group? Please tell me it's All Saints, or B*Witched!
Bald man: (Checks book.) Nah. It's some guy band. Bunch a fruits by the name of Backstreet Boys.
Posh: Did you say Backstreet Boys?
Bald man: Yep. Five grown men hanging out together. Sounds kind of gay.
All: Men!
Geri: Oh boy! I can really get paid tonight. Sporty: Uggh. Men.
Posh: And they have money! Quick get my make-up suitcase!
Scary: (Irratible since her drugs supply has long ago been exhausted.) Shut the hell up! I'm sharing a room with Baby. Ginger, Posh, and Sporty, you get the other one.
Others: Hey! What about...
Scary: Shut up! Go to your rooms. (The others notice that she is starting to twitch and are quick to comply.)
(Scene- A filthy room with one bed and two chairs. Various stains are on both.)
Ginger: This looks familiar.
Posh: Why don't your get on your knees and see if the carpet brings back any memories?
Ginger: Watch it, bitch.
Sporty: This looks like someplace from one of my sleazy magazines.
Posh: I don't like sleaze.
Ginger: David Beckham obviously does, or Brooklyn wouldn't be here.
Posh: Cunt!
Ginger: Tramp!
Sporty: Go on fight. I won't stop you. I'll just watch. (Sporty rubs her hands together and grins lecherously Posh and Ginger back away from each other.)
Ginger: I think I'll just go take a walk.
Posh: Good idea. Me too. (They hurry from the room.)
Sporty: Oh well. (Kicks back on the bed with a copy of Hustler.)
(Scene- Scary and Baby's room.)
Baby: Tee tee tee duh!
Scary: What do you mean you're leaving? You're not going anywhere!
Baby: Duh duh duh!
Scary: What? The hell you are!
Baby: Duh! Hee hee! (The door opens, and Baby runs into the night. Scary starts after her, but she is already gone. Scary shrugs, and runs outside to look for her. She crashes into Posh.)
Posh: Ouch! Why are you running?
Scary: Emma got out. We have to find her before she hurts herself. Where's Geri?
Posh: She went to make some money with that other band. I told her it would never work. I mean they're all gay anyway, but you know that's never stopped Geri before. (They split up and look around. After a few miutes, Posh beckons to Scary. Emma is in the parking lot, having a heated discussion with Nick, the blond member of the Backstreet Boys.)
Baby: Tee hee hee...
Nick: Tee hee hee...
Baby: Duh?
Nick: Hee hee?
Baby: Tee hee hee!!
Nick: Duh duh! (They embrace.)
Posh: Did I just miss something?
Scary: They're in love! So that's who Emma's been sneaking off to see.
Posh: Wow. I guess our little Emma has grown up.
Sporty: (coming out of nowhere) Damn. If she goes to live with him, I won't be able to grope... er... I mean... protect her in the night anymore. (They all stare at her.) What? Not that I enjoyed holding her so close to me...
All: Shut the bloody hell up!
Posh: Friggin dyke.
Ginger: (stumbling over) We all know Beckham is a dyke. No need to go belittling him in public.
Posh: You utter bitch! (She is about to leap at Ginger when the scent of something in the air catches her attention.) What's that smell? Smells like money! Big money! (She takes off, sniffing the ground like a bloodhound. Then she spots it. A couple of yards away on the ground is a...) Thousand dollar bill!
Ginger: Where?!?
Posh: Back off bitch! It's mine.
Ginger: (She opens her mouth, then thinks better of it. When Posh can't have money, she gets just like Scary without her crack fix.) Fine. Take it.
(Posh scrambles off.)
Scary: I can't believe you were that nice.
Ginger: Are you kidding? I'll bet it's some clerverly devised trap by a member of a rival group to lure Posh to her doom.
Sporty: Oh please. That's about as stupid as you quitting the group, and starting a solo career.
Scary: Yeah right. And I'd name my kid Phoenix Chi. (Suddenly a scream sounds through the air.)
All: Posh!
Sporty: (being the man she is, rushes to the rescue) I'll save you... ewww. (the rest of them reach the spot where Posh is crumpled on the dirt, bleeding to death.)
Ginger: Wow. Couldn't have done it better myself.
Posh: (weakly) Crusty old bitch... (She dies.)
Scary: Who could do such a thing?
Ginger: The crew at SGDVD? Angry parents? Sensible individuals?
Scary: Nobody!
Ginger: That's right. GIRL POWER! Who can hurt us when we have GIRL POWER?
Sporty: The Backstreet Boys!
Scary: Yeah right. Those pansies couldn't beat us with a stick.
Sporty: (shaking) No! Look...behind you!
Scary: (She turns around and is promptly shot through the head. She shakes it off, and runs.) Oh hell.
Ginger: (hiding safely in a tree) Get the whores! Kill them all! Good thing I'm safe up here. GIRL POWER! (The branch snaps.) Oh shit! (She falls, breaking her neck.)
(Scene- deserted streets. Scary and Sporty are running for their worthless lives. Four of the Backstreet Boys are in hot pursuit.)
AJ: Shit! We're out of bullets.
Brian: Well, if Kevin hadn't been shooting at everything that moved, we wouldn't be.
Kevin: Shut it, fag.
Brian: Make me, bitch.
Howie: Guys, don't fight. I hate violence. Besides, why not just talk to the Spice Girls? I'd like to get some fashion tips. (They all stare at him.) What? Not that I'm gay or anythng...
AJ: If I had one bullet right now. Bang. Jeez, I really need some crack.
Howie: You can have mine.
Brian: What are you talkng about? You don't do drugs.
Kevin: Oh, god. Get that fag the hell away from me before I kill him.
Sporty: (turning around) Look! They're fighting amongst themselves. We're safe.
Scary: Whew! That was close.
AJ: Come on. We're supposed to be killing the sluts.
All: Oh, right.
Scary & Sporty: Oh bloody hell! (They finally reach their bus and scramble inside, closing the door.)
Kevin: Oh fuck. Now how do we get them out?
Brian: Show them your wallet.
Kevin: That's how we got the first bitch. AJ, show her your stash of drugs.
(Scene- interior of bus. Scary is searching in vain for the keys. Sporty is pondering whether or not she can get back to Ginger's body.)
Sporty: If only the neck is broken, is the person still legally dead?
Scary: Shut up! We're about to be legally dead! Where are those keys? (There is a tapping on the bus window. Scary peeks out. Brian is holding up the keys.) Hell, I'll just hotwire the bus. (AJ holds up a bag of white powder, and it ain't sugar boys and girls.)
Sporty: Ignore it!
Scary: (laughs nervously) Come on now. If you think I'm stupid enugh to go out there... you're absolutely right! (She dives through the door and proceeds to grapple with AJ for the coke. The other three members soon join the fight, and Scary has been beaten to death.)
Brian: For crying out loud, Kevin, calm down. You accidentaly hit me a few times.
Kevin: It wasn't an accident, bitch.
Brian: Punk!
Kevin: Pansy! (They begin a determined effort to kick each others asses.)
Howie: Guy fight! (The brawl ends immmediately.)
Kevin: I'm going to kill you all, one of these days.
Brian: Yeah, right. And we're nothing but fake New Kids On The Block, supported only by deranged fans like Sassy, who will be devastated when we fade into oblivion.
AJ: Shut that shit up! We've still got to kill the dyke. Howie, show her your breasts.
Howie: Ha, ha. Not funny.
(Scene- interior of bus. Sporty is drooling, thinking of Ginger's virtually unharmed carcass.)
Sporty: I can't take this! Plus Baby is still out there. They need me! (She smartly exits from the back of the bus, and forgets that when the emergency door opens it sounds an alarm.) Oh shit! (Soon she is swarmed by her attackers.)
AJ: You're dead bitch.
Sporty: Why? What did we ever do to you?
Kevin: Nothing. We're just crazy.
Howie: Actually, I think that we should all just be friends, but nobody wants to listen to me.
AJ: That's it. I can't take this shit. (pulls out gun) So long bitch. (fires)
Brian: Didn't you say you were out of ammo?
AJ: I thought I was, but then I realized it wasn't a gun. It was a joint.
Howie: (fading) You lame bastards. I hope you die. Except for Nick. He was always so good to me. I'm going to miss him.
Kevin: Die already, you jackass. (begins kicking him savagely)
Sporty: Aw, why'd you have to kill the girl? She was kind of hot.
AJ: You're next, dyke.
Sporty: Damn! (She begins to run and is shot multiple times in the back.) Shit, now I'll never get to shag All Saints. (dies)
AJ: Great! Four down, one to go.
Brian: You can't be serious. Nick's found his soul mate!
Kevin: So, Nick can die with her. Who gives a shit?
Brian: In the name of love, I won't let this be! Emma dies over my dead body!
(Scene- outside of motel. Baby and Nick are nuzzling like bears and sharing fine poetry.)
Baby: Duh.
Nick: Tee hee.
Baby: Hee hee duh.
Nick: Duh tee duh.
AJ: (arriving out of breath) Step to the side Nick. I've got to kill her.
Nick: (clearly distressed) Duh duh duh?
Kevin: That's right, the dumbass dies.
Nick: Duh hee hee?
AJ: Oh, yeah. Brian and Howie. Well they had an unfortunate accident.
Baby: Tee hee?
AJ: Oh, they're all dead.
Baby: (enraged) Duh duh duh duh tee!!! (She hurtles through the air [2,000 pounds of angry dumbass can be deadly], striking AJ. Despite being shot multiple times in the head, she still manages to bite him to death.)
Kevin: Damn, look at the size of those teeth. They're like tiles.
Nick: Duh duh duh! (He attacks his former bandmate. Emma joins the fight, and soon only she and Nick remain. They flee to the Spice bus and board. However since neither of them is fully functioning, they have soon driven the bus deep into a marsh. They intelligently get out and wade around giggling at their narrow escape.)
Alligator 1: Look... people.
Alligator 2: I don't eat humans.
Alligator 1: Wait, isn't that Emma Bunton? And Nick Carter?
Alligator 2: Yeah! Let's go.
Alligator 1: I thought you don't like to eat humans.
Alligator 2: I guess I'll make an exception. Let's do the world a favor. After all it's not everyday you get to kill a Spice Girl and a Backstreet Boy.
THE END
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