Oooo! It's dark 'ere, innit ?   vs.    Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na..... BATMAN !!!

(It is a dark night in Gotham City, as the Caped Crusader and his faithful sidekick are perched on top of a tall building, keeping vigilant watch over the city.)

Batman: Well, Dick, it looks like we may be having a slow night tonight…

Robin: I'm not Dick.

Batman: Oh, sorry… Jason, I mean.

Robin: What are you, senile? I'm not Jason, either! He was killed, remember?

Batman: Okay, whatever the hell your name is… it's probably going to be a slow night!

Robin: Tim.

Batman: Come again?

Robin: Tim. I'm Tim, remember? Dick left, Jason died, I'm Tim.

Batman: Whatever…

(Suddenly, a group of teenagers stumbles by on the street below. They are uproariously laughing.)

Robin: Batman! Look!

(Before Robin is finished speaking, Batman has already jumped down to the street below. He begins beating the teens savagely. Robin jumps down quickly.)

Batman (thrashing one boy): Take this, you evil creature!

Robin: Batman! What are you doing?

Batman: Why, I'm giving these punks the thrashing of a lifetime! Did you hear them laughing? They're obviously the Joker's men!

Robin (pointing to a bag of nachos the teens dropped on the ground): Actually, Batman, I think they're stoned. Look, they had the munchies. (Looks closer at one boy.) Hey, I think I know these guys… Weed? Weed, is that you?

Weed (getting slowly off the ground, holding his broken arm): Yeah, s'me… Wait, who are you, man?

Robin: It's me, Tim! We go to school together! I'm in your 4th period Biology class!

Batman: Ahem!

Robin: Er… I mean… I am Robin, sidekick of Batman!

Weed: I thought you said you were Tim? What gives, man?

Robin: I… uh… that is…

(Robin proceeds to beat the snot out of Weed.)

Robin (dusting off his hands): Well, between Mary Jane and my fists, he won't remember a thing I said come tomorrow.

Batman: Good. Now, let's go. There's a riot in progress at Gotham Stadium according to the Batmobile's radio.

(Batman presses a button on his belt, and the Batmobile obediently drives itself to Batman and Robin's position. The crime fighters hop inside. Batman drives towards Gotham Stadium. Meanwhile, at Gotham Stadium, the Spice Girls are standing on a stage, trying to keep themselves from being hurt in the massive riot occurring on the field.)

Posh Spice: I can't believe the people who came to our concert started a riot! What on Earth started it all?

Scary Spice: I have no idea, but I think it began when we started singing.

Ginger Spice: Odd!

Sporty Spice: Indeed!

Baby Spice: Duhh…

Spectator with Glasses: Hey, Spice Girls! I love you! You guys are great! Rock on! (A rioter grabs his glasses and begins stabbing him with them.) Ouch! Stop it! (He becomes soaked in his own blood.)

Scary (into a microphone): People! Calm down! Please! What started this?

Rioter: We came to see you five!

Ginger: So why are you rioting? (She ducks a flying bottle as it launches towards her.)

Rioter #2: When the bill said "Spice Girls," we thought it meant that those girls on the Spice Channel were going to "perform" on stage!

Posh: Spice Channel?

Sporty: Yeah, it's this pay-per-view channel that I watch all the time… it's got these women who… (A pair of bloody glasses hits Sporty in the head, knocking her out.)

Rioter #3: Yay! I got one!

(Suddenly, a car motor rumbles outside, and the Batmobile drives into the stadium. Batman and Robin leap out of the car and approach the stage. They attack any rioters who try to stop them.)

Batman (on stage): You people have a lot of explaining to do! Now, you'd all better leave peacefully, or Robin and I shall be forced to take all of you into custody!

Rioter #4: Hey, look! It's the Ambiguously Gay Duo!

Batman (to Robin): Why does everyone keep calling us that? (He turns to the crowd, and throws a Batarang into Rioter #4's heart. He falls to the ground.) Anyone else have any smart comments?
(The rioters quickly disperse and rush out of Gotham Stadium. Batman and Robin turn to face the Spice Girls. Sporty is regaining consciousness.)

Batman: I'm truly sorry that you five were caught in the riot.

Ginger: Thanks, Batman. We Spice Girls have been through a lot worse, though… Godzilla, the Power Rangers…

Robin (interrupting): Wait a minute! You five are the Spice Girls?

Posh: Yeah… except for that red-haired bitch over there. (points to Ginger) She says she wants to leave the group.

Ginger: Why, you evil whore! No one was supposed to know about that! (She leaps at Posh, ready to kill her, but Batman holds her back just in time.) Let me go! I want to claw the slut's eyes out!

Batman: Robin, what you were saying before… you know who the Spice Girls are?

Robin: Not exactly… (He glares at the five girls.) But because of you bitches and your lousy music, my girlfriend left me! She loves you, and I induced vomiting when she played your first CD for me! She left because I don't like her favorite musicians!

Sporty (looking at other Spice Girls): Musicians?

(Robin, visibly angry, grabs a Batarang and lunges at the Spice Girls. Batman jumps after him and pulls him to the ground, narrowly averting Robin's attack.)

Batman: That's enough Robin! Don't cry over spilled… spilled… damn, I don't remember how the saying goes… Just forget about your girlfriend!
(All of a sudden, a loud voice booms over the intercom at Gotham Stadium.)

Voice: Hello, Batman! Well, it looks like I've gotten you right where I want you!

Batman: That voice… it can't be…

(Out of the shadows, the Joker steps onto the dimly lit concert stage.)

Batman: Joker!

Joker: And I'm not alone, either! Boys!

(From behind Joker, several other villains appear. Bane, Catwoman, Penguin, and Two-Face are all present with the Joker.)

Joker: We decided that since we can't beat you on our own, we should try this arrangement…

Penguin: You will be sorry you ever interfered in our affairs, Batman.

Catwoman: Yeah, you'll learn not to love me and leave me!

Two-Face (flipping a coin): Heads, I break your skull. Tails, I break your neck. (The coin lands on his palm. No one can see what it came up as. Two-Face looks at the coin.) Aw, shit. Stupid coin!

(Bane simply stands where he is. The four other villains, Batman, Robin, and the Spice Girls stare at him in anticipation.)

Bane: Oh… I guess you're expecting me to make an idle threat… Umm… I'll break your back, Batman! Again!

(The five villains head towards the Dynamic Duo, but the Spice Girls quickly step in their way.)

Scary: Not so fast, assholes! Batman saved our lives, and now we're going to save his!

Batman (to himself, shaking his head): Oh no…

Joker: What? You're threatening us? If it weren't for criminals like us, you idiots wouldn't even have a record contract! Who do you think arranged for you to play Gotham Stadium tonight, anyway?

Sporty: It doesn't matter now! We fight for the side of good!

Ginger: Yeah! Let's get them! Girl Power!

Spice Girls (in unison): Girl Power!

(The villains quickly shift their positions so that each one is facing a different Spice Girl. The Joker heads for Baby Spice, Two-Face goes after Posh, Bane approaches Ginger, Penguin stands in front of Scary, and Sporty, with a large grin on her face, looks Catwoman up and down and walks casually to face her.)

Posh (to Two-Face): Dear God… Your face is almost as hideous as Geri's…

Ginger (off to the side): I heard that, bitch!

Posh (still to Two-Face): Have you ever considered plastic surgery?

Two-Face: My face reflects my personality; two sides of a coin.

Posh: Have you seen a psychiatrist lately?

Two-Face (enraged): You'll pay for that remark! (He flips a coin.) Heads, I'll shoot you in the head; tails, I'll shoot you in the face! (The coin lands in his hand. He looks at it, and frowns.) Damn this coin! That's the second time it's done that to me today! (He looks at Posh.) Well, I guess it will have to be somewhere else, then. (He pulls out a revolver and lets loose three bullets into Posh's stomach. She recoils from the blast and falls to the ground.)

Scary (noticing Posh's death, speaking to Penguin): You won't take me as easily as he got her!

Penguin: Oh please. You really think you can beat me? Me, a criminal mastermind?

Scary: Yeah, right! What are you going to do? Stab me with that stupid looking umbrella of yours?

Penguin (glancing at his umbrella): Well, now that you mention it… (He flips a switch, producing a blade at the tip of the umbrella, and runs it through Scary's chest.)

Sporty (to Catwoman): Wow… you really pull off that leather look well. I mean, your body is just so nice and curvy… it complements the leather body suit very nicely.

Catwoman: Ahhh! Stay the hell away from me! (She lunges at Sporty, digging her claws into Sporty's face, which promptly gushes blood.)

(Meanwhile, Ginger is rhythmically punching and kicking the massive Bane, who yawns in boredom as the Spice Girl attempts to subdue him.)

Ginger (stopping to catch her breath): Ha… had… enough… yet?

Bane (looking slightly amused and bored at the same time): Quite. (He grabs the out-of-breath Ginger, holds her up in the air, and brings her spine down on his knee. There is a cracking noise as Ginger's back breaks.)

Ginger: Oh geez… not again! (She falls to the ground in a heap, paralyzed from the waist down.) Hey! I'm still alive! I'm still ali… (Bane's foot comes down upon her head, silencing her permanently.)

Joker (facing Baby): Well, it looks like your four friends have fallen in battle! What do you have to say about that?

Baby: Tee hee hee!

Joker: Ha ha ha ha!

Baby: Tee hee!

Joker: Ha ha!

Baby: Hee hee!

Joker: This is so amazingly pointless… (He pulls a spray can out of his jacket. It is labeled "Fatal Laughing Gas." He sprays it in Baby's face.)

Baby (inhaling gas): Hee hee hee! (She pauses for a few moments.) Hee hee!

Joker: Stop it! Stop laughing!

Baby: Hee hee! (She stands there laughing normally. The gas apparently has no effect.)

Joker: That does it! (He pulls a flower from his jacket lapel, and squirts acid out of it onto Baby. There is a hissing sound as her body melts into a boiling puddle of flesh on the stage floor. The Joker and the other villains face Batman and Robin.) Now, Batman, you couldn't stop us from killing those five; you can't stop us! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Villains (in unison): Ha ha ha ha ha!

Batman: Oh, I wouldn't say that… (He reaches for a rope on the curtain of the stage. As he pulls it, the curtain comes crashing down on all five villains, knocking them all unconscious.) I think the police can handle the situation now, eh Robin?

Robin: Right Batman. (He pauses.) Say, Batman… why didn't you pull the curtain earlier and stop them from killing the Spice Girls?

Batman: Well, I thought… I… that is… er… We all have to go sometime, Robin. I guess this was just their time to go. Fortunately.

Robin: But you allowed five talentless pop stars to die horrible deaths! Aren't you bothered by that?

Batman: Uh… I… (A beeping noise comes from his utility belt.) Oh! Listen to that! A message on police frequencies! How convenient! (He picks up a small earphone from his utility belt and listens.) Damn. It looks like Mr. Freeze is holding an ice cream plant hostage. We have to stop him before he taints the world's supply of ice cream.

Robin: Right. (He hops in the Batmobile. Batman follows suit.) But, I mean… did you see the way they died? Why did you just stand there while they got their asses ki…

Batman (interrupting): Robin.

Robin: Yes?

Batman: Shut up.


Trademark and copyright 1998, CloudVader Productions. Do not reproduce without giving the author, Cloud Volpe, due credit.

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