vs.
Buffy, the Vampire Slayer
vs.
Buffy, the Vampire SlayerAuthor’s note: I know "Buffy" will already be entering its 4th season soon, but I set this story generally in the early part of the 2nd season. If you’re a devoted "Buffy" viewer and you read this story, you’ll understand why I chose to set it in the second.
Also, this story does not take continuity into strict account, so "Buffy" fans out there, don’t get your heads exploding because of inconsistencies in timeframes. For instance, while Buffy has not yet encountered Kendra (the second slayer even before Faith was introduced), Oz/Willow and Xander/Cordelia are already couples (both of which happen after the introduction of Kendra; in fact, Xander and Cordelia have already broken up by now, but for this story…). Miss Calendar is also still alive, and the gang knows that Oz is a werewolf. Spike, Drusilla, and Angel are also present.
And for those who don’t watch the show, an important backgrounder: At the end of the first season of "Buffy", Buffy died at the hands of the Master vampire. Well, she was clinically dead for only a minute or two before being revived, but she had died nonetheless. The death of the current slayer is enough to activate the next, new slayer.
So without further ado, I give you… "The Spice Girls vs. Buffy the Vampire Slayer"!
Scene I. Backstage after a Spice Girls’ Concert in England
Ginger (to reporters surrounding her): … and that’s how I remove my make-up.
Reporter #1: Let me get this straight. First, you use a hammer and nail to crack the upper layer, then you sandpaper it. You apply a liter of concentrated hydrochloric acid, after which you have to use a coconut grater to remove excess blush-on. Then, you steam your face over a pot of boiling water, then you wipe your cheeks using cotton treated with vinegar and xylene, and…
Ginger: No, no! Don’t be idiotic! My face is gonna get destroyed that way! (pause) The cotton with vinegar and xylene comes before I steam my face.
(As Ginger continues to share her beauty tips with mentally-challenged reporters from the silliest teeny-bopper magazines in town, the other four Spice Girls sit around in front of their own dressers. Posh and Scary are watching the scene, Baby is giggling in a corner while stuffing her mouth with cake, and Sporty is leafing through a copy of Hustler.)
Posh: I swear, I still have no idea why we let Ginger back into the group. I think we were doing much better off without the slut.
Scary (taking a packet of coke from her pocket): Well, her attempt at a solo singing career using that pretentious mature, serious image caused her to go bankrupt. Guess her fans wanted her old adult image, if you know what I mean. And none of the rest of us have the right vocal prowess to scream GIRL POWER during the most inopportune times as effectively as she could, so we needed her back. (snickers) I guess I should have given her tips on how to really launch a solo singing career.
Production Assistant (passing-by, under her breath): Yeah, then not only would she have gone bankrupt, she would have taught the United Nations assembly to wear tongue studs, have misnamed little monsters out of wedlock, and release two crappy singles featured in soundtracks.
Posh (to Scary): I don’t care. I could have learned to scream GIRL POWER like a starving harpy every other sentence the way that she did.
Scary: Right, if you could learn to open your lips once in a while when we have our concerts.
Posh (missing the insult): And I was just getting used to doing her singing parts!
Scary: What singing parts? Did she have singing parts? Oh, crap, we have to fix that this time around.
Posh: Besides, she was the one who made us all look like cheap hookers.
Ginger (approaching and overhearing Posh): As opposed to looking like greedy, high-class whores like you?
Posh: Ha! At least I get paid in bills and bonds, not in coins and IOU’s.
Ginger: I’ll have you know, I have kept each and every single one of those IOU’s! Why, if I bothered to collect on them, I would be…
Posh: Donald Trump.
Sporty (looking up from her magazine): Donald Trump? Isn’t he the bird that hangs around with Mickey Mouse?
Scary: No, stupid! (takes a line of crack) It’s Ivana Trump who hangs around with Mickey Mouse.
Ginger (to Posh): You know, I only rejoined this group because you were doing miserably without me. I wanted to do you a favor, since we’re all such good friends.
Posh: Well, haha, hallelujah, bring out the champagne, the scarlet harlot is here to save us.
Ginger: Bitch!
Posh: Slut!
(As expected, the two lunge at each other and begin to beat the shit out of each other.)
Sporty: Hey, Mel! Aren’t you going to stop them?
Scary (obviously high now): Oh, look! I see angels.
Sporty (grinning): Okay! If you’re not going to stop them, I will. (begins to approach the fighting girls)
(Posh and Ginger immediately disentangle from each other.)
Ginger: Stay the hell away from us, you filthy dyke!
Sporty: Hey! I was trying to do a good deed!
Posh: Good deed, my false tits. If you wanted to do a good deed, you would have… (pauses in horror as she glances at Baby, who has finished a whole cake and is halfway through a box of donuts) … stopped Emma from gorging herself!!!
(Posh, Ginger, and Sporty rush to Baby. Scary remains where she is, lost in her own stupor.)
Sporty (grabbing Baby too close for comfort): Emma! Stop that!… oh, yeah! Hehe… stop that! Oooh… Baby, I never knew you had such plump…
(Baby knees Sporty in the groin. Sporty shrieks in agony and falls to the floor.)
Baby: Tee hee hee! Duh! Duh! Duh!!! (She pops a whole donut inside her mouth.)
Ginger: Baby, gimme that box of donuts! Now!
Baby (agitated): Tee hee hee! (shakes her head) Duh!
(Ginger makes a grab for the donut box, but Baby pulls away. Snarling, her face contorts into one like a predator that has been cornered, only there are occasional bursts of giggles. Ginger and Posh round her cautiously.)
Posh: She looks… hungry.
Ginger: She’s always hungry! It’s more like she’s… rabid.
Posh (to Baby, slowly and carefully): Baby, how many times have we told you… you have to cut down on the sweets. And on all food, for that matter. You are getting pretty humongous. You’ve destroyed a number of stages during our concerts. Plus, we have an image to maintain. If Geri here can diet – failing miserably, if I might add – so can you.
Baby: Grrrlll!!! (a look of confusion passes over her face, then a smile) Tee hee hee! Duh…!
Ginger (leaps at Baby): Hand it over, you little twerp!
(Baby’s free arm swings at the incoming Ginger. Five hundred tons of fat cause Ginger to be tossed to the side, unconscious. In the melee, a strawberry-filled donut flies in Posh’s direction, and lands in a huge splat on her clothes.)
Posh: My favorite dress! And I paid for it out of my own pocket, too! That does it, you pig!
(In a blind fury, Posh takes off one of her nine-inch stiletto heeled shoes and hurls it at Baby’s face. As Baby reels back from the deadly weapon, Posh slaps her unconscious.)
Posh (looking at her fingers): And you made me chip a nail, too!!!
(Suddenly, a man appears by the doorway, clapping. By this time, all the reporters and other people in the room have gone.)
Man: Bravo! Bravo! You are truly worthy of being the chosen one!
Posh: Excuse me?
Man: Permit me to introduce myself. I am Dick Largely. I am a Watcher, and I have come to fetch you, the chosen one.
Posh: Me?
(Scary is coming out of her high moments. The other three girls are regaining consciousness.)
Ginger: If you mean the chosen one whose turn it is to do our record producer for tonight, well, you’ve certainly found her.
Posh: Shut up, you evil whore. (to Dick) Anyway, what do you mean, I’m the chosen one?
Dick: (cue background creepy "Buffy" music, complete with howling) In every generation, there is a chosen one. She alone will face the vampires, the demons, and all the forces of darkness. She is the slayer. (cut music) Whew! I finally got to say that! Guess Giles’ turn as the Watcher is now over.
Posh: Excuse me, but have you been raiding Scary’s stash?
Ginger: Yeah! You are a lunatic. Posh herself is the force of darkness.
Posh: Better than being the one-woman force of whores that you are!
Dick: No, I’m not kidding. Victoria here has been chosen to replace the slayer who has recently died. You see, a new slayer is called upon when the previous one dies.
Sporty: And are all slayers women?! Wow! If they’re all like Posh here, I’d love to see your files of upcoming slayers! (The others stare at her in disbelief) What? I meant that in a totally heterosexual way! Didn’t I ever mention that I had an interest in women? (pauses) I mean the occult! An interest in the occult!
All: Shut up!
Sporty: Fine. Hmph.
Scary (to Dick): So, if you’re really serious about this, why did you choose Posh?
Dick: She dresses in style, she has an attitude, and she always gets into fights. What other qualifications does she need?
Ginger: Hey, that means I’m qualified, too!
Posh (whispering to Ginger): He said "dresses in style", not "dresses like a trapeze artist".
Ginger: Why, you…! (prepares to attack)
Dick (gesturing for peace): Please, stop! We need the slayer at full power for the upcoming onslaught. A deadly threat is rising in Sunnydale, where the previous slayer lived, and the whole world might be consumed by this coming evil. You are needed to go there to stop it, Victoria.
Posh: Sunnydale? But that’s half a world away!
Baby: Tee hee hee! Duh!
Scary: Baby’s right. We have a concert to do, and while Posh may not sing much, she’s still under contract!
Dick: But the world is at stake here!
Scary: Never mind the world. Who else is gonna pout and point at the audience for no reason at all when we perform?
Dick: But…
Sporty: And who else can I grope when doing the train choreography for "Spice Up Your Life"? (pauses) I meant, uh… that is, I’m going to… forget I said anything.
Posh: Plus, am I going to get paid for this gig?
Dick (exasperated): Argh! Listen, you bunch of braindead nitwits! If the world is consumed, there will be no more clothes, food, and pot for any of you! (looks at Ginger) There will be no more men! (looks at Sporty) Come to think of it, all women will be dead, too!
Spice Girls: Nooo!!!
Posh: Okay, I’ll have to do this then!
Scary: I know, why don’t we all go? That way, we could give Posh some moral support, and we can do a concert in Sunnydale, too!
Dick (murmurs): Oh, God. What have I done?
Sporty: What was that?
Dick: Nothing. Anyway, fine, go with me and the slayer, then. Arrange for our transport to Sunnydale. Start promoting your concert there. On the way, I’ll give you a briefing on why that place is called the Hellmouth.
Posh: Hellmouth! But we have our own Hellmouth here. I’ve overheard one of Ginger’s "boys" saying that she had one hell of a mouth when it comes to…
Ginger: Shut up, bitch!
Posh: Make me! I am the new slayer, so you should give me respect and cower in terror.
Ginger: I’ve always been terrified of your ugly face, whore.
Sporty: Um, Dick… shouldn’t you be giving Posh a little training first before sending her off to fight demons and vampires?
Posh: I’ve had some practice with Geri.
Dick: Enough! We have no time for training now. Come on, let’s go.
Scene II. Sunnydale High, a few days later. Buffy Summers, Willow Rosenberg, Xander Harris, and Cordelia Chase are in the library talking with Rupert Giles, Buffy’s Watcher.
Cordelia: So there I was, doing my cheerleading routine, when out of nowhere, I felt a force and I fell to the ground.
Willow (wide-eyed): And what do you think it was? A ghost? An invisible girl? A witch attacking you telepathically?
Cordelia: Hell, no. It was just the coach. She was jealous because I had better legs than she had. And I’m richer.
Xander: Cordelia, you have such an amazingly simple way with words. Tell me, why do you still hang out with us? I thought you don’t like us. Shouldn’t you be out with Harmony and those other bimbos?
Cordelia: But being around you losers makes me look all the more superior, and therefore, popular.
Xander: And having you around makes us all look more intelligent.
Cordelia: Moron!
Xander: Idiot!
(Xander and Cordelia abruptly wrap their arms around each other then share a fiery kiss.)
Buffy: Am I the only one here who thinks this scene is getting old? They fight, insult each other, then get into a good torrid tongue-lashing.
Willow: I know what you mean. And here I am, still mousy, still the nerd, and still obviously in love with him, and he doesn’t even notice. I wonder what brains they provided him with? But at least I’m dating Oz now, so I’m not supposed to care.
Buffy: Right. You’re not supposed to care that your boyfriend turns into a four-hundred pound werewolf when the moon is full.
(Jenny Calendar, erstwhile computer teacher cum techno-pagan – and Giles’ girlfriend – enters the room, breathless.)
Giles: Jenny, what is it? What’s wrong?
Jenny: Oh, Rupert! You would not believe this! I was walking home last night, and I saw the most horrible thing in a deserted alley!
Buffy (immediately ready for action): What is it, Miss Calendar? A vampire attacking a helpless victim? A demon being summoned by a fanatic cult? A silly John Ritter android trying to date your mother?
Jenny: Worse! I saw a Spice Girls poster! They’re coming to Sunnydale to do a concert!
(A collective gasp of shock from the gang.)
Buffy: The Spice Girls? I’ve heard of them, and I’ve even heard their horrid music playing once every three and a half weeks on the least-known radio station, but it’s funny – I don’t think I know what they look like.
Willow: That’s probably because their faces are not too memorable.
Xander: Not memorable? You’ve gotta be kidding, Wil! They may sing like a bunch of screeching eunuchs, but let me tell you, that Ginger is so hot, I have a cheesecake poster of her on my bedroom ceiling so I can… (The others stare at him.) … hey! I’m seventeen! My hormones are raging! I am but human, thank you.
Buffy: Whatever.
Cordelia: I don’t care what you guys say. I think they are a bunch of talented singers. And they’re rich. And they dress well. Well, except maybe for the one who insists on wearing baby dresses despite being wide enough to be four of me.
Buffy: That proves it. You may look like you have taste, but you actually don’t, Corde.
Xander: Hey! What does that imply about me, her current lust object?
Buffy (muttering): To be honest, you’re only three shades brighter than she is, Xand.
Xander: What was that?
Buffy: Oh, nothing. Just that Cordelia may be your current flame right now, but I know you still want me. Despite the fact that I’ve burned down a school gymnasium before and that I’m currently dating a two-hundred year old vampire. And your nerdy best friend secretly loves you, but since you’re dating the stereotypical Miss Popular-but-Shallow-Girl over there, she opts to date a werewolf instead. Don’t you think our lovelives are pretty convoluted? Sometimes, I feel like we’re trapped in an episode of "Melrose Place".
Giles: Enough of this chatter. Buffy, it’s time for your training.
Buffy: But Giles! Principal Snyder is gonna kill me if I cut classes again!
Giles: Never mind that. You have a sworn duty, a sacred duty. What are classes in the face of supernatural disasters? Besides, haven’t you noticed? You spend most of your time in this library anyway, whether day or night. I doubt you actually go to classes in this school.
Buffy: It’s kind of hard to do that when I don’t know what class to go to. See, I don’t even know whether I’m a sophomore, junior, or senior. I was a senior back in my old school (note: see the movie!), but when I moved here to Sunnydale, I was mysteriously introduced as a sophomore. But since it’s Season 2 already, I think I’m supposed to be a junior. I think I’m supposed to be a senior next season, so that by Season 4, we can be in college already. But if we follow the continuity in my old school, I should in fact be in college right now.
Willow: Wow, it’s enough to boggle the mind. (sighs) I guess the rest of us had better go to our classes. See ya later, Buffy. As always, we’ll be going out with you on patrol tonight despite the fact that it’s dangerous for us civilians to do that. It merely adds excitement when vampires end up taking us hostage or generally endangering our lives just so you could look all the more heroic when you defeat them all.
Xander (walking out with everyone else, leaving Buffy and Giles in the library): How come no one else in this school has ever noticed that Buffy and Giles use the library as a training room? How come no one has ever seen us when we prepare wooden stakes and other deadly weapons like, everyday, in the library? Come to think of it, how come no one else has ever been in the library besides us and the occasional monsters that attack us there… (voice fades away)
Scene III. That evening. Buffy is out on patrol in the cemetery. The rest of the gang are in the Bronze.
Buffy: Gee, and here they said they’d keep me company. Oh well, I guess I can’t blame them. Hanging out in a cemetery may be my thing, but that doesn’t mean I enjoy it.
(Suddenly, Angel appears out of nowhere.)
Angel: Talking to yourself again?
Buffy: Angel! What’re you doing here?
Angel: You know I have the hots for you, and I want to screw with you real bad… but I have to act morose and guilty all the time, so that I look romantic and sexy and very Anne Rice. Where are the others?
Buffy: I just want to be a normal teenager who can have failing grades and who can date normal people once in a while while worrying about my zits or whether my Mom will ground me for driving the car without permission.
Angel: Huh?
Buffy: Oh, sorry! I have to say something along those lines of "wanting a normal life instead of being slayer" at least once in every episode, and I guess I wasn’t really listening to you so the words automatically slipped out of my mouth.
Angel: By the way, be careful. Spike and Drusilla are on the warpath again, and they might have something deadly planned. I’ve been hearing something about a deadly new demon they plan to summon.
Buffy: Let’s not talk about Spike and Drusilla. They may be more interesting villains than that crappy Master guy and the even sillier Anointed One who never really did anything, but I wanna talk about us. So… wanna have sex? I wanna try it with a vampire, and my birthday’s coming up, and that would be a great present. A real surprise.
Angel: I’d love to… but there’s a rumor that if I had sex, I will lose my soul and I will revert to my evil self. But we can always kiss.
(The two kiss each other tenderly. Some romantic music plays in the background.)
(A few meters away, behind some gravestones, the Spice Girls are observing the scene with curiosity.)
Posh (whispering): Ya hear that, Geri? He’s a vampire! And if he has sex, he loses his soul. Now we know what happened to you. You must have lost your soul a couple of million times now.
Ginger (aloud): Why, you…! (Scary quickly covers Ginger’s mouth with her hand)
Scary (whispering): Shhh! We’re trying to be stealthy here, you dumb broad.
Ginger (removing the hand and whispering): Stealthy, sure. Having Baby here is hardly the stealthy option, considering that with her size, she can barely hide behind these gravestones.
Baby: Tee hee hee! Duh! (takes a bite of a cheesecake she has brought with her)
Sporty: I can effectively hide Baby within my arms! (watches the others glaring at her) What? We want to be stealthy, right?
Baby: Duh! Duh!
Scary: No, you cannot have more cheesecake. You should be thankful we let you eat that one.
Posh: You really should diet, Emma. And you should cut your silly pigtails already. If you grow any fatter and that hair of yours grows any longer, you could easily pass off for a blonde wooly mammoth.
Baby: Tee hee hee! Duh.
Sporty: Look! The two of them are leaving and going their separate ways. Listen, I’ll follow the sexy blonde, er, I mean the, uh, girl while the rest of you go after the guy vampire, and…
Posh: Pervert. Shut up. I am the slayer. What I say, goes. And you are not following that girl. I will do that because something about her doesn’t seem right. The rest of you follow the guy.
Scary: Who died and made you in charge? I am the leader of this band.
Ginger: No, I am.
Sporty: Oh, great, here we go again with who’s the leader of the band. Maybe we should just hire a new manager, preferably a big-breasted, I mean, level-headed woman who can…
Posh: What, so Geri can fire another one when he tries to ditch her from the group? No, for now, you’ll have to listen to me, the slayer! And I said you four follow the guy while I go after the girl.
Ginger: Fine, bitch. You don’t have to be so haughty about it! (starts to stand up and leave with the others) You know, that vampire guy we’re gonna track reminds me of this ex-boyfriend of mine…
Posh: I’m sure he does. You’ve always had a thing for bloodsucking fiendish monsters.
Ginger: Speak for yourself. You’re the one who likes to suck your boyfriends’ wallets’ dry.
Posh: You suck your boyfriends dry.
(The two are poised to get into a catfight again, but Scary intervenes.)
Scary: Enough with this. Let’s get things over and done with so Princess Slayer can be satisfied, and so that I can already get my fix… (The others stare.) … of my, uh, medication! I’ve been, er, sick, you know.
Ginger: Not as sick as Sporty, I hope.
Sporty: Hey!
Scene IV The Bronze. Xander, Willow, Oz, and Cordelia are there. They see Angel enter.
(A few moments later, the four Spice Girls, minus Posh, sneak in behind him and try to blend in with the crowd. Well, try as best they could, considering how outlandish and tasteless their clothes are.)
Angel (approaching the table of Xander, etc.): Have you seen Buffy?
Willow: No. She’s out on patrol. I would’ve thought you’d seen her already.
Angel: Actually, I already have. In fact, we just parted ways. I just wanted to have a nice opening for a conversation with you.
Xander: Listen, undead-breath. We’re having a double date here. If you want to join, maybe you should’ve brought Buffy along.
Cordelia: Oh, Angel! You can always sit beside me.
Xander: Hey, what is it with you, Angel? Buffy wants you. Cordelia wants you. Every girl I want, you seem to always attract.
Oz: Angel, if ya want, you can sit here beside me. (He winks at Angel)
Willow (slaps Oz): Hey! You’re here with me, remember? A girl?
Oz (languidly): Was I? Ohhh, you’re a girl. I thought he was. Heehee, oh look, is that a shark floating above your head, Wil?
Willow: Oh, great! Did you take cocaine again? What was I thinking, getting you as my boyfriend? I only thought you looked like an addict, I didn’t think you actually smoked pot.
(Scary, somewhere in the crowd, perks up and shouts, "Did someone say pot?" before being pulled away by Ginger, who mutters, "Stealth, huh?")
Angel: Anyway, I didn’t come here to socialize. I just thought I should warn you. I couldn’t tell Buffy because I was afraid to alarm her, but I have no qualms in scaring you to death.
Xander: What is it?
Angel: Spike and Drusilla are planning to reopen the Hellmouth tomorrow night. They’re invoking an ancient ritual that, among other things, will call forth a deadly demon that can open the Hellmouth. The ritual will require a virgin sacrifice.
Cordelia: Oh, I guess I have nothing to worry about then. (turns to Willow) You, on the other hand, have a big problem. There’s no way you’re gonna get laid by then. In fact, you’ll be lucky to get laid within the next three hundred years.
Oz: Hey, Willow, I can always…
Willow: Uh, ermmm, no thanks, Oz. Maybe some other time… when the night of the full moon isn’t just around the corner…
Xander: Well, we have to tell Giles fast. He’ll know what to do. Come on, let’s go.
Willow: And where did Buffy really go, anyway?
Angel: Actually, for no apparent reason, she said she wanted to see my home and my bed before we ever even considered having sex…
(Meanwhile, Ginger and Scary overheard the entire conversation.)
Ginger (to Scary, shrieking): Did you hear that? The Hellmouth is gonna be opened!
Scary (covering her ears): I think it already has been!
Ginger: We’ve got to do something. We have to tell the Looker, or the Seer, or whatever the hell it is he’s called!
Scary: The Watcher, stupid. Okay, then we have to get Posh to slay all these nuts. Get the others… where the hell are Sporty and Baby anyway?
(They look around and see Sporty at a table trying to pick up a teenage girl. Baby, meanwhile, is sitting in a corner, absorbed in her mirth whilst munching on a pretzel.)
Ginger: Oh, joy! Come on, let’s grab ‘em and be on our way.
Scene V. Angel’s home.
(Buffy is walking around in his bedroom, feeling sentimental about her relationship with Angel. She touches his furniture, his things, and then she sits on his bed. A moment later, she lies down, closes her eyes, and imagines her boyfriend’s loving tender kisses… and she smiles dreamily…)
(Suddenly, she senses someone is in the room and is about to attack her. Her eyes fly open, and she sees an axe coming down upon her face. Quick as a cat, she rolls away to safety just as the axe slices through the bed.)
[Hey, if you want to fully imagine what’s happening, watch the episode "What’s My Line, Part 1", where they introduced Kendra!]
(As she springs to her feet, Buffy sees her attacker: a stoic short-haired brunette in a short black designer minidress and expensive shoes with heels so high they were probably measured in stories. Buffy briefly wonders how the girl could possibly walk in those shoes, let alone fight in them.)
Buffy: Who are you… Stiltwoman? (She kicks the axe out of her attacker’s hands.)
(Within moments, the two are engaged in a martial arts fighting showdown, with Buffy gaining the upper hand most of the time. Unfortunately, she gets distracted once in a while by a number of things: first, by the girl’s unmistakably surgically-enhanced breasts…)
Buffy: Gee, what’re those, the twin peaks of silicone land?
(… then by the girl’s annoying pout…)
Buffy: You will not pout me to death!
(… and by the girl’s penchant for striking a pose and pointing a finger at Buffy after every kick or punch they exchange.)
Buffy: You won’t point me to death with your finger, either! (The attacker strikes another pose and points a finger at Buffy again.) Arghhh!!! Stop it! It’s driving me crazy!!!
The two girls pause, breathing heavily, and tried to stare each other down. Buffy is in a ready-to-fight stance, while the attacker has struck yet another pose guaranteed to awe the world’s best contortionists – her head is tilted at an impossibly odd angle, her right hand points a couple of fingers while the left holds her hip, and her legs are spread so far apart she might as well have done the split…strangely, both her feet are still pointing forward.
Buffy: I think you may need a good surgeon to get you out of that pose.
Attacker: (mutters) I know a lot of good surgeons. (aloud) Who are you anyway?
Buffy: Who am I?! You have the gall to come attacking me and you don’t know who I am! Who are you?
Attacker (straightening up): (haughtily) I am POSH, the vampire slayer!
Buffy: Posh, the… (giggling, then suddenly cracking up) Bwahahaha! Oh, that’s rich! That’s really rich! Do you realize how ridiculous that sounds? (regaining composure, then becoming serious) Listen, that ploy may work on someone else who is not the real slayer.
Posh: What do you mean?
Buffy: I am the real slayer.
Posh: But you don’t even look anywhere as rich as I am.
Buffy: Wait, did you say you were Posh? Aren’t you that Spice Girl?!
Posh: So I am. Don’t change the subject. You’re lying. The slayer is dead and I have come to replace her. My Watcher told me so!
Buffy: This is utterly confusing. What say we do away with the chickfight thing and we go to my Watcher to clear this up?
Posh: Fine. But let me change my clothes first, you managed to rip a hole into my little Gucci dress!
Buffy (muttering): From what I hear, all your clothes are little Gucci dresses.
Scene VI. The library later that evening. Giles is in the room with Buffy and Posh. Miss Calendar is also present.
Giles (to Posh): This is absolutely peculiar.
Posh: Tell me about it. It’s half past midnight and you’re still in the school library. What, do you live here?
Buffy: Oh, that’s our Giles. Libraries are his personal Mecca.
Posh: I suppose it’s also Miss Calendar’s Mecca, since we found them both here. All disheveled, I might add.
Giles (blushing): Uh, we were researching for, uh… the coming, um, festival of the, erm, occultists of the, uh, fifth moon of Jupiter. (pauses) Never mind that. Victoria, are you sure you’re the slayer?
Posh: Of course I’m sure. I’m not stupid. Do I look ignorant and stupid to you?
Jenny: Well, as a matter of fact…
Posh: Don’t answer that. (looks at Giles’ clothes) Absolutely tasteless. Did you know tweed is out?
Giles: Well, yes, I… hey! I happen to like tweed.
Posh: It’s Englishmen like you who give the image that we Brits are stuffy.
Jenny (under her breath): And it’s English women like you who have utterly disgraced an entire nation.
Buffy: So, Giles! I thought you said there could only be one slayer.
Giles: Yes, yes, of course I’m sure. There is always only one slayer. The next one is called upon only after the last slayer has died. (pauses, then realization sets in) Oh, my God. You were dead, Buffy. At the hands of the Master!
Buffy: Yeah, but only for a minute! I’m alive now.
Giles: Obviously, your "demise" – no matter how succinct and clinical it was – was enough to activate a new slayer.
Posh: Could you slow down a minute? You’re using too many big words.
Jenny: And a particularly inept new slayer, at that.
Giles: And you say Dick Largely is your Watcher? What possessed the Watchers’ Council into letting him be the next watcher? Dick is a drunkard in the habit of gallivanting with inappropriate women and… (looking at Posh) well, now I can see why they would choose him to be your Watcher. But what possessed them to even choose you as the new slayer?
Posh: I am an internationally renowned pop star. And I am competent.
Jenny: I wonder in what.
(Suddenly, the door bursts open and in comes the rest of the gang, although Angel is not around.)
Xander: What the…? Posh Spice?! Here? Oh, man! You have great legs! Manoman! I am changing all the Ginger posters at home if only you could…
Buffy: Cut it, Xander. Give some respect to the new (snicker) slayer.
Willow: What?!
(A short explanation later…)
Cordelia: I don’t believe it! This is the best thing that could’ve happened! At last, a slayer with some fashion sense!
Jenny: Cordelia, you are ever so smart and deep.
Buffy: So, Posh… you haven’t told me why you attacked me. Or are you used to attacking helpless humans in their sleep? Kill now, confirm later, no questions asked? But then, I suppose even you can learn something from your mindless fans.
Posh: I attacked you because I thought you were a vampire. I am the vampire slayer. It’s my job.
Buffy: Now why in the world would you think I’m a vampire? Assuming, of course, you can actually think.
Posh: I was in the cemetery earlier tonight. Did I not see you kissing a vampire? So I assumed you were one, too.
Willow: Oh, no! Buffy would never kiss a vampire! (pauses, then remembers Angel) Oh! Um, except for Angel, but then Angel is a good vampire, thus negating…
Xander: That reminds me! That’s why we’re here. Angel told us of an upcoming devious plot by Spike and Dru!
(After telling them of the evil scheme…)
Buffy: Wonderful! Just what we need right now.
Posh: What, are you scared to get this Spike guy? I’ll help. I have the impression he’s got style.
Buffy: I don’t need your help. I’m still the original slayer. Why don’t you just go and lip-synch a song or something?
Posh: I am also a slayer! It is who I am! I have a sacred duty to do! (pauses) Besides, it’ll be good publicity. After that wedding stunt David and I pulled, I’ve been thinking of new ways to get the media’s attention.
Buffy: Media attention?! Don’t you realize you should be working in secret? No one should know that you’re a slayer, it’s like a secret identity thing.
Posh (looks around the room at all the people there): Yeah, work in secret. Like you have obviously been doing.
Buffy: These are my friends. (looks at Cordelia) Well, most of them, anyway.
Posh: Fine. My pseudo-friends, the other Spice Girls, are also out there somewhere investigating this with me. They’re involved in this already. So I have to be in.
Giles (groans): Damn, now we have no choice… the Spice Girls are out there loose somewhere…
(Suddenly the door bursts open again, and the other Spice Girls charge in.)
Cordelia (shrieking in delight): Wow, they’re all here!!! Oh, I have to get all their autographs!
Sporty (spotting Cordelia): Hey, you can have my autograph anytime, baby. All you have to do is to come later to my hotel room and we can…
(Scary hits Sporty at the back of the head.)
Scary: Stop that, you disgusting freak!
Sporty: What? I just wanted to please our fan!
Ginger: Sounds to me like you were just going to please yourself!
Posh: An activity I’m sure you’re familiar with.
Baby: Tee hee hee! Duh!
Cordelia: Hey, Posh, you need to give me some dressing tips.
Ginger: More like undressing tips.
Xander: Hey, you can undress me anytime, Geri!
Willow (to Buffy): Look at their outfits! They’re so…
Buffy: Can you say, "stuck in the eighties"?
Oz (approaching Scary): Hey, got some dope?
Scary: What? Do I look like a crack fiend to you?! (whispers) Later, in the Spice Bus. As long as you give me your contacts in this town.
Giles: God, I’m getting a migraine… Jenny, I… (looks at Jenny and sees her flirting with Sporty) JENNY!
Jenny: What? So I’m a liberal woman. In our gypsy culture, we were taught to be in touch with all aspects of our sexuality. Hence, even though I like you, I can always flirt with a lesbian.
Sporty: I’m not gay!
Ginger: She’s right. Sporty’s no lesbo! She’s really a man in women’s clothing!
Jenny: What?! A lesbian I can take! But a man dressing up as a Spice Girl? (to Sporty) No wonder you have no breasts. Get away from me, you creep!
Sporty: Fine!
Giles: Can we have some order here? (to the Spice Girls) Why did you come here?
Scary: We talked to Dick Largely, Posh’s Watcher, about the whole Spike thing because we overheard them (pointing to Xander and the others) talking about it in the joint. Oohh… joint, I love that word!
Baby: Tee hee hee! Duh! (She spots a box of leftover pizza on Giles table and makes a grab for the food)
Ginger: Yeah! We wanted to ask Dick what we could do to help because we had… GIRL POWER!
Spice Girls: Yeah! GIRL POWER! GIRL POWER!
Scary: Unfortunately, while we were discussing the matter with Dick, a horde of vampires attacked us. The four of us managed to escape, but Dick is now dead. We didn’t know where else to go, since the vampires were on our trail, so we ran and ran ‘til miraculously we found you guys here in a secluded library in the middle of the night.
Buffy: Wait a minute! Did you just say a horde of vampires was chasing you?
Sporty: Why, yes, as a matter of fact…
(Suddenly, a dozen or so vampires began to surround them from all corners of the library.)
Willow: Oh, is it time for the obligatory fight-scene-in-the-library-every-episode already?
Buffy (to the Spice Girls): You led them right to us!
Giles: Insipid dolts! (turns to Buffy) Buffy, prepare yourself. (He throws Buffy a crossbow)
Posh: Don’t forget, I’m a slayer, too!
Giles: Fine. Use this! (He throws Posh a butter knife)
Ginger: We’ll help, we have… GIRL POWER!
Spice Girls: GIRL POWER! GIRL POWER!
Cordelia: Hey, I have girl power too! GIRL POWER! GIRL POWER!
Jenny: I think I would rather be bitten by those nice vampires over there than have to endure another moment with these monsters.
(Within moments, the vampires descend upon them. Buffy takes them all on, with a little help here and there from her friends. The Spice Girls continue their chanting, while Posh the slayer attempts to fend off a vampire with her butter knife.)
Posh: Uh, stay away, you… uh, monster!
(The vampire lunges at her, then tears her dress open.)
Posh: Not another dress!!! You’ll pay for that!!! (eyes wide with rage, Posh leaps at the vampire with the butter knife) Gyaaaarrrrgggghhhhh!!!
(Within three seconds, the vampire has been staked through the heart and is now dust.)
Willow: Wow, she could be pretty vicious when her wardrobe is threatened.
Sporty (looking at the half-naked Posh): Posh, you look great! (pauses) Uh… I meant that as a friendly compliment. Honest!
Posh: Shut up!!!
Jenny (whispers as she and Giles try to ward off a vampire): Oh, Lord, get me away from these people! People like these can’t really exist…!
(A few more minutes later, all but one of the vampires have been staked by Buffy and the gang. The one remaining vampire makes a final desperate gambit. He grabs Baby, who is now in a corner giggling and playing with a shiny new paper clip she found on Giles’ table.)
Baby: Tee hee hee!
Ginger: Oh my God! He’s got Baby!
Jenny: God help him.
(Before anyone else can do a thing, the vampire bites Baby in the neck. She giggles a few more times before falling backwards dead on her vampire attacker. The vampire is pinned underneath tons and tons of flesh.)
Scary: Oh, no! Baby’s dead!
(Buffy leaps into action and stakes the last vampire. He immediately becomes dust beneath Baby’s corpse.)
Giles (checking Baby’s body): I’m afraid she really is dead.
Jenny: One down, that’s what I say.
Scene VII. The following evening in the cemetery. The entire gang and the Spice Girls are standing near Baby’s grave. Buffy has a wooden stake in her hands. The rest of the gang have bags where stakes and other weapons are placed in.
Scary: I can’t believe Baby’s really dead.
Sporty: Yeah, and I never even got the chance to… (The others glare at her) … to tell her that, uh, she’s a good friend! That, um, friendship never ends! Right…?
Buffy: Don’t worry. She’ll rise soon enough. As a vampire, unfortunately.
Posh (whispering to Ginger): Honestly, I thought we’d never find a coffin to fit Emma in…
Ginger: Yeah, it’s a good thing you were generous enough to evacuate one of your walk-in closets and make it Emma’s casket.
Xander: So we just wait until she rises?
Buffy: Yes, and then drive a stake through her heart.
Ginger: Aww, poor Emma. She may have been dull, overweight, and brainless…
Jenny (muttering): … making her five times smarter than you…
Ginger (not hearing Jenny): …but she still had her use in the group. Like remember that time we used her as a paperweight? (sighs) I can’t believe we’re actually going to drive a long, pointed stake through her heart.
Posh: I would’ve thought you were already used to long, pointed things being driven hard into you, sometimes even five or six per night.
Ginger: Nah, I could do a dozen. (pauses) Hey! Was that an insult?
Posh (smiling serenely): Now why would I insult you at a sacred moment like this?
(Suddenly, Baby’s grave begins to quake. After a few tremors, the vampire Baby Spice leaps out of the grave.)
Willow: Quick! Stake her!
(Before Buffy can move, Baby has leapt on her and knocks the stake from her hands. Buffy is also pinned down by this heavy, monstrous entity.)
Oz: Posh! Quick! You’re the other slayer! Kill her!
Posh: Okay! (falters) Uh… but she’s Emma… we’ve known each other since we were kids…
Baby: Tee hee hee! Duh! Grrrlll… Tee hee hee! Duh! Grrrlll…
Posh: See? She evens sounds like she always does when she’s deprived of her paper clips…
Buffy (suffocating under Baby’s butt): For… God’s… sake… she’s… a… monster… now…! Choking… urgh… swear… kill… you… if… you… don’t… hurry…
Posh: Oh, fine, fine. Okay. What do I kill her with?
Willow: The wooden stake, dummy!
Posh: Bollocks! It’s sooo unclassy and passe! And I might chip another fingernail. I just had my manicure done!
Ginger: There’s always GIR…
Jenny: Shut up!
(Xander grabs the stake and rushes at Baby. Baby leaps away, grabs Ginger, then with her hostage, begins to flee into the night.)
Giles: Follow her! She’s getting away with Ginger!
Jenny: And that would be unfortunate because…?
(The gang begins to chase after the fleeing Baby.)
Buffy (standing up, beginning to run but talking to Posh): I swear, I’ll kill you myself!
Posh: It’s been tried many times.
Buffy: If something happens to Ginger…
Posh: Honestly, do you care?
Buffy: Guess not!
(Everyone chases after the vampire Baby and her hostage through the town. It lasts for quite some time, maybe half an hour.)
Scary (panting): For a mindless behemoth that can pass off for a beached whale, Baby sure can gain quite some speed!
Sporty: Be glad she stops once in a while to break into a bakery or café to grab some cake. Otherwise, we might have lost her already!
Cordelia: She can still eat cake even as a vampire…?
Jenny: Old habits die hard, I guess!
Scene VIII. An old abandoned church. Spike and Drusilla are already in there. It is where they plan to invoke the ritual to call forth the demon that will reopen the Hellmouth. The place is decorated with burning candles and incense. Baby enters, Ginger in her arms.
Ginger (screaming): Lemme go lemme go!!! You can’t do this to me, you fat-assed incoherent halfwit! You’ll hear from my lawyer, assuming he takes me in again after that seedy motel fiasco I got him involved in! Besides, I am Ginger Spice! I have GIRL POWER!!!
Baby: Tee hee hee! Duh! Grrrlll….
(Baby knocks Ginger half-conscious. Baby kneels down and is about to drink blood from Ginger’s neck, then wrinkles her nose in disgust, thinks the better of it, and instead grabs a bite of a croissant she had stolen from the last bakery she broke into.)
Drusilla (languorously): Oh, Spike, looky that… it’s Miss Edith with her bird… our bird to offer the demon who’ll break through the Hellmouth…
Spike: Oh, yes, luv! Bloody sacrifice, just what we need… our new lackey Baby Spice has done well…
Drusilla: Oh! Oh! Can we give Baby vampire a present? I’ve always liked babies…
Spike: Dru, hon, she’s not really a baby. She only dresses up like one. Can’t you tell? Unless she’s a baby cow, a woman her bloody size is hardly an infant. Besides, most babies are actually bloody smarter than she is.
Drusilla: (angrily and assertively) Shut up when I’m trying to be dramatically insane! (reverts back to her helpless mode) Oh, Spike, can’t we begin now… I need to be strong soon, Miss Edith needs her garden to be watered really soon…
(The gang and the Spice Girls burst in.)
Buffy: Spike, we meet again! This time, I promise, it’s gonna hurt a lot.
Spike: You don’t scare me, slayer. You are just one!
Posh (butting in): Ha! It’s your lucky day, Spike…
Buffy (mutters): Oh, no…
Posh: Not one but two slayers! I am also a slayer!
Spike (stunned for a second, then begins to laugh): You’re a slayer?
Posh: I am POSH, the vampire slayer!
(Everyone in the room – human or vampire – begins to giggle uncontrollably. Some have doubled over on the floor with laughter.)
Spike (trying to suppress laughter): Enough! I won’t let you stop me! My hordes of followers will distract you while I complete the ritual!
(Vampires begin to appear everywhere. They are all surrounded. Fighting time begins. Oz even transforms into his werewolf self.)
Spike: And I have something special in store for you, Buffy…
(Angel appears from somewhere behind Spike. He looks evil.)
Buffy: … Angel?
Angel: No, I am now… Angelus!
Giles: Angelus! That means he’s evil now! He’s lost his soul!
Buffy: But he said he can only lose his soul if he has sex, and we haven’t done that!
(As Buffy begins to fight with Angelus, Spike begins the ritual, Drusilla at his side. Their sacrifice, Ginger, is already lying on the altar as Spike prepares to thrust a dagger through her heart.)
Ginger (regaining consciousness): Ungh… (seeing Buffy fighting Angel) Hey! Buffy! Isn’t he a good guy? In fact, earlier tonight, he was sooo good in bed that…
(Spike drives the dagger through Ginger’s heart, killing her. The ritual is complete… sort of.)
Buffy (to Angelus): I don’t believe it! You had sex with that slut?
Angelus: I couldn’t help it. She went into my home, told me it was only for a penny, and said I could even have seconds! Where else can you get a deal like that?
Posh (from the sidelines, while staking a vampire with her stilettos): Shoulda warned you about the whore, Buffy! She’ll have sex with anything in sight! Even a 200-year old animated corpse! In fact, I think she’s done it at least thrice before.
(Meanwhile, Spike is panicking.)
Spike: Something’s wrong!!! Why isn’t the demon coming to reopen the Hellmouth?
Xander (from the sidelines): Hey, smart boy! Ginger Spice was hardly a virgin sacrifice!
Spike: Oh, crap! Dammit! I shoulda known!!! I should’ve guessed just from her outfit she couldn’t possibly be a virgin! What in bloody hell was I thinking?!
Drusilla (in a singsong voice): You weren’t thinking, luv… Oh, Spike, another demon cometh…
(A demon appears out of nowhere, but it is a different demon they have summoned because the sacrifice was not a virgin one. The demon looks at the melee, spots the Spice Girls, and flees back into hell in sheer terror.)
Scary (to a vampire): Yo, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want…!
(The vampire flees into the waiting stake that Willow and Giles have in hand.)
Scary (to another vampire): Colors of the world! Every boy and every girl!
(The vampire stumbles and falls into another stake that Xander and Cordelia had prepared.)
Scary: Stop right now, thank you very much… urkhhhh!!!
(A stake has gone through her from behind. Scary falls to the ground. Miss Calendar hovers over Scary’s body.)
Jenny: Oh, whoops. I’m sorry, the stake must have slipped from my hands.
Scary (in agony, slowly dying, and grabbing onto Jenny’s leg): Help… me…!
Jenny (letting go of a big heavy piece of rock she had picked up onto Scary’s head, effectively crushing it): OOOPS. Sorry, there it is, I did it again. My mistake, Please forgive me.
(Meanwhile, Oz is squaring off with Baby vampire.)
Oz: Grrrrrllll!!!
Baby: Tee hee hee! Duh!
Oz: Grrrrrllll!!!
Baby: Tee hee hee! Duh!
Oz: Grrrrrllll!!!
Baby: Tee hee hee! Duh!
Oz (reverting to human form): Hmm… I never thought I could do that at will. Ah, enough of this. (He grabs a piece of cake Baby has dropped, then uses it as bait. As Baby come charging at him, he grabs a stake Xander throws at him and kills Baby. She is left as a really huge pile of dust, almost like a small mountain.)
Sporty: Don’t worry, gang! I’ll take care of that hot babe, er, I mean, that insane vampire Drusilla!
(She charges towards Drusilla, hands in front of her, and then grabs Drusilla’s breasts.)
Drusilla: Oh, looky here, she tickles me madly… I like it…
Sporty (smiling): You do?
(Drusilla suddenly breaks Sporty’s neck and pulls her head off.)
Drusilla: Of course not. But everyone always falls for that looney act of mine. You, especially, are a disgusting piece of shit, and I’m glad I did you in.
(Buffy and Angelus are still fighting. Posh attacks Spike.)
Spike: I’m prepared for you, slayer. (He takes out a huge carving knife and plunges it into the chest of the incoming slayer)
Posh: Ow! Watch it. These implants are new.
(There is an explosion of silicone in the room. Spike digs deeper into her chest and attempts to pull out Posh’s heart. However, there is a surprise in store for him…)
Spike: What the…? You’re… you’re heartless!
Posh: So they say. Cold and heartless. Now you’ve ruined my favorite catsuit. I can take my minidresses getting torn by vampires, but David bought me this catsuit, and I didn’t even have to have sex with him so that he would buy it for me!
(Grabbing the carving knife, Posh lunges at Spike and nearly cuts off his head. However, Drusilla intervenes, pulls Posh’s shoes off, and uses its deadly heels to strike her in the head. Posh falls unconscious but alive.)
Spike: Damn, she’s still alive!
Drusilla: Not for long, Miss Edith will burn the slayer’s body…
(Drusilla grabs a nearby candle, then throws it into Posh’s body. With all the silicone and make-up on Posh, she easily ignites and burns.)
(However, the slayer’s death causes a vortex to mystically open in her remains. It turns out to be a vortex to hell.)
Spike: Make a run for it!!!
(Everyone flees in terror, save for Buffy and Angelus, who are still fighting. Suddenly, Angelus’ face undergoes a change… with Ginger dead, his soul has been restored. He is once again the good Angel.)
Angel: Wha… Buffy? What’s happening?
Buffy (sorrowfully): I’m sorry, Angel.
Angelus: What? Why? I don’t remember a thing…
Buffy: I’m sorry that you just had to go and have sex with a Spice Girl. A shabbily dressed one at that. Take this! (Buffy kicks Angelus in the direction of the vortex, and he is sucked into it)
Angelus: Nooooo….! I love you….***
(Buffy escapes from the building just in time. Outside, Miss Calendar has recited a couple of gypsy chants that finally closes the vortex, which has already taken the remains of everything left in the building.)
Buffy: That should do it. Let him suffer for 90,000 years in hell. Besides, he’ll be back next season anyway, after which he’ll get his own show. So let him suffer first.
Spike (escaping with Drusilla): ‘Til we meet again, slayer!
Cordelia: I can’t believe Posh is dead. She was such a cool, well-dressed vampire slayer. And we understood each other so well.
Jenny (mutters): Yeah, between the two of you, you had just one brain cell, so I guess it was cause for bonding.
Oz: Man, I need a fix right now! Willow, you think that Scary left some of her…
Willow: Shove it. (surprised) Oh my gosh! I was actually assertive!
Cordelia: And yet, as nerdy as before.
Xander: So, Giles, that second slayer died. You think somebody new will come along?
Giles: In all likelihood, yes. And let’s hope it will be someone more responsible and competent than she was.
Buffy: Like Faith, the slayer next season? Or Mary, rumored to be in Angel’s upcoming show? Tell me, Giles, when will I ever get a normal life? Or will it always be slay this, slay that?
Giles: Buffy, the Spice Girls are dead. They are among the most terrible evil forces of darkness to plague this Earth. You’ve done well in vanquishing them. You deserve a break, go have some fun, find a date, do your homework, talk on the phone.
Buffy: Are you serious?
Giles: Of course not. Time to get more training.
Buffy (to Willow): I’m so the slave here…
(Cue closing music.)
THE END
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