For those of you who are smart enough not to watch MTV, Destiny's Child is an R&B group that originally consisted of Beyonce Knowles, her play cousin Kelendria "Kelly" Rowland, and friends LeToya Luckett and LaTavia Roberson, and is managed by Beyonce's father, Matthew. Earlier this year, LeToya and LaTavia were kicked out of the group because they were tired of being screwed by Matthew (Making FAR less money than Beyonce and Kelly, never getting to sing lead on the group's songs, general nepotism) and tried to seek new management. They didn't know that they were fired until Destiny's Child put out a new video and two new girls (Michelle Williams & Farrah Franklin) were lip-synching to their vocals. LaTavia and LeToya have since filed a lawsuit against the group and their management. To add to the chaos, Farrah was kicked out of the group in July of 2000 because she was sick and missed some performances. The whole time, Beyonce and Kelly have shown their true colors in the matter, particularly Beyonce, who's turned out to be a greedy, spotlight-hogging brat. Though most of the novelty has worn off, someone had to lampoon the situation, so here is:

The battle of the biggest sell-outs! vs. Destiny's Child

by Black Mercury

(INT - We are in an office building with Destiny's Child (Beyonce, Kelly, Farrah, and Michelle) and their manager, Matthew Knowles, discussing their current tour. While Matthew sits behind a desk, Beyonce is primping in the mirror, Kelly is admiring her, Farrah is looking over some papers, and Michelle, obviously with nothing better to do, is playing Pokemon Silver on Game Boy Color.)

Knowles (b.k.a. Big Daddy Svengali) : then Beyonce comes out from backstage, then y'all three follow her around. Don't worry; we'll use the tape so y'all don't have to worry about singing.

Beyonce (The Spoiled Bitch): Yeah, Daddy! Then, they can git way back while I ad-lib on "Say My Name"!

Kelly (The Spineless Brownnoser): I think that's such a great idea! Beyonce, you are just, like, TOO much, girl!

Farrah (The Pissed-Off One): But, Matt, I think we should all get to sing. Besides, you know that those are not our voices on those tapes! Don't you agree, Michelle? Michelle?!

Michelle (The Future Miss I'm-Doing-Porn-So-I-Can-Pay-My-Bills-Pay-My-Telephone-Bills-Pay-My-Automo-Biiii-ills.... You get the point!): (Without looking up from her video game) Whatever...

Beyonce: (Flipping her large, blonde, mane of hair) But you know Destiny's Child is ALL about me! You know they only want to see me with muh fine, sexy self! (Struts around in one of her many skimpy metallic numbers)

Kelly: Yeah, that's right, girl!

Farrah: That's because you walk around looking like a two-dollar hooker!

Kelly: (To Farrah) Farrah, how DARE you say that to Beyonce?! (Begins crying) You know that she is the bomb, okay! Bee is to be worshipped by millions! (Proceeds to kneel before Beyonce) 

Farrah: Look, all I'm saying is...

Beyonce: DADDY! (Begins to throw a serious tantrum the likes of a three-year-old)

Knowles: Farrah, you do NOT talk to my little princess like that! SECURITY! (Two large, burly men storm into the office, grab Farrah, and drag her into the hallway.) Think of this as your leaving due to creative differences, Farrah!

Farrah: (To Matthew) You can't do this to me, you Lou Perlman wannabe!

Knowles: Watch me. (Snaps his fingers, signaling the security guards to throw Farrah from a nearby window. She lands unconscious on top of a parked bus with a Union Jack on the side of the building....)

(Meanwhile, on the bus...)

Scary: Whot was that noise?

Baby: Tee Hee Hee?

Scary: No, it wasn't the delivery boy from Krispy Kreme.

Baby: Tee Hee? Duh Duh Duuh!

Scary: Anyway, tell me again why we've gotta do this U.S. Tour?

Ginger: Because we have to get away from all those impending lawsuits back home... (Glares at Posh)

Baby: Duh DUH!

Posh: What? It's not my fault! I was only protecting Brooklyn! It's not like I knew that taser would maim that lady!

Scary: That was his nanny, Victoria! Besides, where IS Brooklyn, anyway?

Posh: Oh, in boarding school...

Scary: But he's not even two yet!

Posh: Yeah, AND?

Ginger: God, what a daft whore!

Posh: I'm not that daft, you chunky slut!

Ginger: Tramp!

Posh: I'LL KILL YOU! (Lunges at Ginger, and the two proceed to beat each other witless)

Scary: Melanie, Emma, help me separate 'em! Melanie?

Baby: Duh! Duh! (Points to Sporty) Tee Hee Hee!

Sporty: (Sleeping) ...Mmm.Jessica Simpson...Reddi Whip...Dessert...

Scary: Wake up, mate! (Begins to shake Sporty)

Sporty: Huh? Oh, they're fighting again?

Scary: YES! You know what you have to do!

Sporty: All right...(Runs up to the girls and begins "honking" with her fingers. The two combatants look up and run in separate directions on the Spice Bus.)

Ginger: Don't touch me!

Posh: (Under her breath) Like you've ever said that before!

Ginger: Shut up, skank!

Posh: Make me, trick!

Scary: SHUT UP, BOTH OF 'YA! Now, we have to get ready for this new tour! You birds got the lip-synch tapes ready?

Posh: Actually, I had to bring my extra winter catalogs, so I had to leave them at customs.

Scary: Oh, no!

Baby: Tee Hee Hee? Duh Duh Duh!

Posh: No, Emma, I needed room for my makeup bags. I left your case of snack cakes behind, too...

Baby: (Dejected) Duh...

Scary: God, I need muh powder. Did you bring muh black tote bag, Victoria?

Posh: Oh, that, well, you see, I had to make room for my extra shoes, so I left IT as well...

Scary: You did WHAT?!?!

Sporty: At least I have my back issues of Black Tail....

Posh: Actually, I had to make room for my accessory trunk, so...

Sporty: Dammit, Victoria!

Ginger: You couldn't have possibly left my battery stash....

Posh: Well, I needed the room for my extra wardrobe!

Ginger: No batteries?!?! Oh, THAT'S it! You're out of here! (She and the other three throw Posh from the Spice Bus. They then throw her many items out into the street with her. Amazingly, the Spice Bus gets 10 more miles per gallon!)

Posh: I'll get you all for this! (Shakes her fist as the Spice Bus drives away)

(Back at Columbia Records...)

Knowles : So, now we need another person to make it looks like it's four of you singing. Whose it gonna be, girls?

Beyonce: How about my little sister Solange? She can do it!

Kelly: Yeah, it'll be nice to have another person around like Beyonce! You are so gorgeous, girl!

Knowles: No, she just had those extra toes removed. She needs her rest!

Beyonce: But, Daddy! (Starts to wail and throw another pre-adolescent tantrum)

Michelle: SHUT THE HELL UP, Beyonce! I'm trying to catch Red Gyarados!

Kelly: You can't talk to Beyonce that way! No one talks bad to Bee! SECURITY! (The security guards return, grab Michelle, and throw her out of another window. Michelle lands on a fruit cart on the ground and, except for being covered in crushed fruit, is completely fine. Her Game Boy, however, has been broken beyond repair)

Michelle: Oh, no! I can't catch 'em all if my Game Boy's broken! I need the money to buy a new one! (Fishes out a business card from her purse) Well, I'm taking Mr. Hefner up on his offer! Playboy, here I come! (Walks off)

(INT - Meanwhile, Posh had been walking around the Columbia Records building. On the eighth floor, she meets a receptionist who turns out to be Abigail Kis, one of the women who was supposed to be a Spice Girl)

Abigail: Welcome to Columbia Records. May I help you?

Posh: Hmm, weren't you the girl who was supposed to be one of us?

Abigail: You mean a greedy, anorexic whore in a sham marriage? No way!

Posh: Bollocks! At least I didn't give up a recording contract just to be with my boyfriend. Whatever happened to him, anyway?

Abigail: I-I don't know...

Posh: Oh yeah, I forgot he ran off with...

Abigail: I don't know what you're talking about!

Posh: ...all of your money and...

Abigail: Don't be ridiculous!

Posh: ...that Italian stripper with...

Abigail: Shut up!

Posh: ...a foot-long...

Abigail: STOP IT! (Crying)

Posh: Such a shame, really! Looks like we all like to screw men now, eh! 

Abigail: Y-You didn't have to bring that up! *SOB!*

Posh: And getting stood up on your wedding day must have really been bad!

Abigail : It was!

Posh: I bet you're still a virgin!

Abigail: I AAAAAM! (Runs off crying loudly)

Posh: Call me anorexic, will you?! Hmmph!

(INT - With Abigail gone, Posh wanders the halls of the office building, only to wind up at the same office Destiny's Child is in. Now, Beyonce is sitting back in a chair while Kelly scrapes her corns off her feet. In this time, Beyonce's sister and Matthew's teen daughter Solange has arrived.)

Posh: (Walks in) Excuse me, but do any of you know where I can find a good four-star hotel around here?

Solange (The Ill-Bred Bumpkin): EEEEK! It's Posh Spice! Daddy, it's Posh Spice! 

Posh: Hello...

Solange: Oh muh lord! I love y'all Spice Girls! Can I be in y'all new video? I can dance real good! (Proceeds to flop around like a crack head running from the LAPD.)

Posh: No, but I think Mandy Moore is looking for a new choreographer!

Kelly: Posh Spice? Ain't you that ho that married that soccer player and shoved your entire life in the British tabloids?

Posh: And aren't you the gutless little dyke that kisses more ass than anyone interviewing Barbra Streisand?

Kelly: SIGH!

Knowles: Hmmm. Young lady, why aren't you with the other Spice Girls?

Posh: The bloody whores kicked me out of the group!

Knowles: (Thinking and looking devilishly) Say, would you like to join Destiny's Child? You'll get paid with all of the free designer clothes you can possibly wear?

Posh: (Her eyes light up like a menorah) Free.....designer....clothes? Oh! (Faints and wakes up after a minute) Okay!

Knowles: Now, young lady, before I sign you, I'll need to know if you would object to lip-synching.

Posh: Bollocks! You actually expect me to sing LIVE?!

Knowles: We've got ourselves a fourth member!

(Meanwhile, back on the Spice Bus, after the driver makes an abrupt stop, Farrah's unconscious body fell through the sunroof of the Bus and landed on Sporty's head)

Baby: Duh Duh? Tee Hee Hee!

Sporty: (Coming To) N-Nothing a bloke like me couldn't handle! Say, who's this?

Ginger: I dunno. She just fell through the roof and landed on yer head!

Sporty: My dream.....Yes, it's raining Black girls! Now, where'd I put that aerosol nacho cheese? (The others simply stare at her in bewilderment) What?

Farrah: (Sits on a stack of pillows in the middle of the floor.) Uhhh.....where am I? Are you the Spice Girls?

Scary: Yup! Aren't you that girl from that group with that bitch with the cheap blond hair weave, the shorthaired kiss-ass, and that hairy bird?

Farrah: If you mean Destiny's Child, I was in the group. But that stuck-up ho Beyonce kicked me out!

Baby : Tee Hee Hee! (Starts to cuddle with Farrah) Duh Duuh!

Farrah: Is she always like this?

Ginger: Yeah! I think she likes you!

Sporty: Ooh, my turn! (Jumps in to try and get near Farrah)

Farrah: Hey, back off! I read about you and that Asian chick in the Bahamas!

Sporty: Hmmph!

Scary: Anyway, we got sick of Posh and we need a fifth member. Are you willing to dress in flashy clothes and sing in front of thousands of brainless teenyboppers?

Farrah: Anything's better than being with that human crab factory and her little gay entourage! Where do I sign?

( INT - Flash forward to the night of the huge concert that features Christina Aguilera and Destiny's Child. While Christina is nowhere to be found, the new Destiny's Child -- Beyonce, Solange, Kelly, and Posh -- are backstage waiting for Christina so that the concert can begin.)

Beyonce: Now, everyone remember how we planned it?

Kelly: Yeah! Once MTV gets here, I go on about how the Lord Jesus Christ has brought us together. Then I tell us that it was his plan that Farrah and Michelle left, and that Solange and Victoria have come to us!

Solange: Then I go on how we is vocally stronger than we was before, though the only one singing is Bee!

Posh: And I go on about how we're like family!

Beyonce: Great! Now, I want all of you to go out there and make me look good!

(Meanwhile, onstage...)

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen! I'd like to announce a change in tonight's program! We will have a new pop sensation open for us tonight! Help me welcome, straight from Canada, future teen sensation Craig Croskery! (A greasy, unwashed, pizza-faced slob walks onstage dressed in a see-through shirt and black leather pants -- Both bursting at the seams with hairy, greasy folds of stretch marks and flabby skin. The audience goes silent with confusion...)

Craig: Like, hi! I wanna dedicate this song to all of my 23 pop singer friends, although they only hang around me for the free food stamps I give them. (Pops his retainer out of his mouth and waves it around) I also wanna dedicate this to my choir teacher, who says that my abilities will take me far, although I think he meant my abilities to hack into gay porn sites and sneak him into the boys' locker room while the wrestling team showers. (Eats a sack of Whoppers slathered in cheese, bacon, chili, avocado, and yak butter) I also wanna thank my mom, who made this outfit for me so I could look like a talented Latin pop singer, but she dressed me like Ricky Martin anyway. (Scratches his ass and farts loudly, causing the technicians backstage to pass out) Finally, I wanna thank my online fans, all five of them, for standing up against reasonable people who say I need to learn to sing, lose weight, clear up my acne, and shave my unibrow! This is for you! (With a voice that can only be described as a cow having multiple orgasms) Maaaaaybe your not happyyyyy.....I gueeeeess it's haaaaard to saaaaaaaay..... (The audience starts throwing fruit and booing like they're at one of Diana Ross's "Supremes' Reunion" concerts...)

Audience Member 1: You suck!

Audience Member 2: Those food stamps were fake, you fat bastard!

Audience Member 3: Get off the stage, dickweed!


Audience Member 5: Everyone should share my perfect opinion that Craig Croskery's voice is like butter and that I want to have hot dirty oil sex with him 'til half past Kwanzaa!

(Meanwhile, a concert promoter is backstage having an argument with one of the staff members...)

Promoter : Whaddya mean Christina Aguilera's not gonna be here?!

Lackie: Well, we just got a call from California. Apparently, she tried to reach out to the Latino community by speaking Spanish at a concert in East L.A. Some kid must have switched her Spanish-English dictionary with "5,000 Spanish Sayings They Don't Teach In School"...

Promoter: And?

Lackie: Let's just say that now she really is a genie in a bottle...actually, she a teenie in an urn.

Promoter: Well, I need another pop singer to keep those teenies happy! What about Britney Spears?

Lackie: Shotgun wedding. Seems like her cousin didn't have that vasectomy after all!

Promoter: What about Hanson?

Lackie: Bridesmaids at Britney's wedding...

Promoter: NSYNC?

Lackie: Off doing some gay porn flick with another boy band. Something about liquid dreams...

Promoter: Eww!

Lackie: Should I call the Spice Girls? They're in town, you know?

Promoter: Fine, anything's better than that fat amoeba onstage.

(They call the Spices' private line...well, actually, it's Ginger's $4.99 a minute psychic hotline, because all surgically-altered, untalented, unemployed, nymphomaniac sex fiends have one -- Look at LaToya Jackson!)

Ginger: Hello, Mistress Geraldine's House Of Wonders!

Promoter: Quick, I need you to perform for me!

Ginger: Hey, this isn't that type of phone service!

Promoter: Yeah, right! Anyway, Christina Aguilera got beat down, and, well, you need the work, right?

Ginger: Yes...but my top stays on!

Promoter: (Silently, but within earshot) Yeah, right.

Ginger: Whot?

Promoter: Uhh, just get to the stadium!

Ginger: Okay! (Hangs up the cell phone) Girls, guess what? We finally get to perform!

Farrah: This will be for a real audience and not another prison gig, right? It's bad enough getting a cavity search at those places, but she (Points to Sporty) keeps offering to help the guards!

Sporty: Um, I wanted to make sure you weren't hiding any of Mel's nose candy!

Scary: I don't do that shit anymore! It's hazardous to muh health!

Sporty: Then, what the hell were you snorting behind the bus last week?

Scary: Oh, it's this new stuff. Um not sure what its for, but it had the letters F.D.S. on it...

Baby: Duh Duuh! Tee Hee Hee Duh Duh Duh!

Ginger: Baby's right! We're to perform with Destiny's Child!

Farrah: WHAT THE HELL?!?!

Sporty: Maybe they have another girl in your place, Farrah?

Farrah: They probably got one of Beyonce's inbred, country-ass relatives to replace me!

Sporty: Well, we'll find out soon, won't we? In the meantime, anyone up for a game of Twister?

Others: NO!

(After a few minutes, the Spices arrive at the stadium. They quickly change into their stage outfits -- Farrah's being a slinky silver mini-dress and silver platform stilettos -- and file backstage, where they meet up with....)

Beyonce: Well, well, look what crawled out the free clinic!

Posh: Yeah! Four skanks (Points to the original Spices)...

Kelly: ...and a tone-deaf traitor (Points to Farrah)!

Solange: Hi, y'all!

Farrah: I was right about the relative! You owe me fifteen bucks, Mel!

Sporty: Damn!

Scary: And what the hell are you doing with them, Victoria?

Posh: I'm a member of Destiny's Child now! All I have to do is stand around in my designer clothes and pout!

Ginger: That's all you did before, you lazy whore!

Posh: At least I WEAR clothes, tramp!

Ginger: Whot?! (Something snaps inside of Ginger. She hadn't fought with Posh in the last few weeks, so...) That's it! I'm gonna kill you! (Lunges at Posh, and the fur starts flying)

Kelly: Now, that's it! Y'all can't be fighting in front of Beyonce! She can't be creative if she sees violence before we go on!

Farrah: Then she must see a lot of violence, 'cause she sure as hell ain't creative!

Kelly: On behalf of Beyonce, I will kick your ass! (Lunges herself at Farrah, and the two start fighting)

Scary: Here we go again. Separate 'em, Mel!

Sporty: Oh, goody! (This time, Mel jumps right into the melee and grabs a butt cheek. Unfortunately, it ends up being Kelly's. Not having been touched down there by another human in years, the sudden stimulation causes Kelly to pass out from shock, which is also Sporty's reaction from touching another chick's butt besides her own)

Solange: (Looking down at the two unconscious women, Sporty's hand still glued to Kelly's bum) Somebody needs to wake them up!

Posh: Are you kidding?! That's tabloid GOLD!

Beyonce: At least now she can't goose me while we perform "Independent Women"!

Scary : True, but we need the other one! Besides Farrah, she's the only one of us that can actually sing! How are we gonna wake her up?

Posh : I know! Why don't you take your top off, Geri?

Ginger : Why don't YOU go sod off, cow?!

Posh : What? It worked in the movie!

Baby : Tee Hee Hee? (Hobbles over to Sporty and pokes her arm) Duh? (Rubs Sporty's shoulder, but only gets a snore in response)

Farrah : I know what to do! (Turns to Baby and speaks in a sing-song voice) Emma, if you wake Melanie C., I'll give you some donuts!

Baby : Tee Hee! Duuh! (Lifts Sporty up by the collar and begins slapping her silly, punctuating each slap with a "DUH"...) DUH! DUH! DUH! DUH!

Sporty : (Coming to) Ugh....Hey, Emma!

Baby : Tee Hee!

Sporty : Oh, why'd you stop? I like it rough!

Baby: Tee Hee?! Duh Duh! (Slams Sporty back to the floor and skips over to Farrah, who promptly gives her a box of Boston Cremes from one of the tables. The concert promoter then comes backstage)

Promoter: Spice Girls, glad you're here! Listen, you all gotta go onstage now! The audience is growing restless!

Scary: Right! We gotta go out there and show 'em what Girl Power's all about


(INT: Scary, Baby, Sporty, Ginger, and Farrah all go onstage. The technicians had to chase Craig backstage with a cattle prod and clean the squashed vegetables from the stage, so it's all set for the Spices)

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, all the way from merry old England, it's Ginger, Scary, Sporty, Baby, and some other chick! The SPICE GIRLS! (The audience goes dead silent as the Spices enter)

Scary: How 'ya doin' everybody! (Still dead silent)

Audience Member 1: Strip!

Sporty: Hey, this isn't that kind of show!

Audience Member 2: You suck! (The crowd starts cursing and leaving the stadium)

Farrah: Well, that went well! This wouldn't keep happening if you'd keep your damn clothes on!

Ginger: Oh, shut up complaining! At least I didn't have to fake sick to leave MY group!

Farrah: That's a lie, ho!

Ginger: Hoochie!

Farrah: Slut!

Ginger: Trick!

Farrah: Oh, you're a dead bitch!

Ginger: Bring it on, girlie! (Lunges at Farrah, and the two immediately start a brawl)

Sporty: (Whips out a camera from God knows where!) That's it, girls! Oh, yes! Rip that dress off her, Geri! Yes! (Needless to say, the two combatants jump away from each other when they realize they're being photographed. Suddenly, a loud, jazzy tune is played over the sound system, and Destiny's Child, dressed in camouflage and backed by several dancers, walks onstage...)

Solange: Hey, hold the tape! Y'all chased the entire audience away!

Posh : Please, that happens all the time! Why do you think no one’s bought that God-forsaken third album?

Beyonce: Well, they need to leave, ‘cause I’m about to set this show off, now!

Kelly : That’s right! So, y’all Spice Sluts can go on home!

Female Voice: No, I think it’s time you bitches got to stepping! (Everyone turns around to see the two original members of Destiny’s Child, LaTavia and LeToya, suspended in mid-air by stunt rigging. They stop about 50 feet from the ground.)

Beyonce: Just WHAT the hell are you two doing here?! I thought my Daddy told you to stay at least 100 feet away from muh fine, sexy ass!

LaTavia: Yeah, well, Daddy ain’t here to save you, is he? Besides, we’re tired of getting dissed by you all in the magazines! Y’all need to be kicked in the teeth for that Vibe interview!

Kelly But, we’re vocally stronger now without you all!

LeToya: Vocally stronger, my ass! Y'all bitches still lip-synch to our voices!

LaTavia: Then our Grammy went to that bimbo Michelle. Isn’t she a porn star now?

Sporty: Yup! She was in Playboy, Penthouse, and she also did a ten-page spread in Black Tail! Man, is she flexible! She got into this one position where…(The others just look at her in disbelief while the Spices just shake their heads and giggle) What?! I only read it for the article on Vanessa Del Rio for Black History Month! (The stares continue) Oh, hell!

LeToya: Uhh, yah! (Turns to Beyonce) But the absolute worst was “Survivor”! That was fuckin’ unforgivable! Y’all diss us every other week in those teenybopper magazines, on the radio, and the Internet!

LaTavia: So, for all of that…

LeToya and LaTavia: You all must pay! (Blows on a whistle, and a surging crowd pours into the stadium. Obviously, they are pissed-off ticket holders who had to sit through Craig Croskery’s performance, and are now out for blood.)

Farrah: RUN!

Ginger: Are you mad? We can stop ‘em with Girl Power!

Scary: Yeah, GIRL POWA!

Farrah: Well, y’all can try that junk, but I’m gone! (Runs backstage)

Sporty: Well, who needs her?! Let’s use our Girl Power

Spices: GIRL POWER! GIRL POWER! (Scary, Baby, Sporty, and Ginger chant this while braving the ravenous crowd. Alas, Girl Power isn’t enough to stop a group of pissed off people and Scary, Sporty, and Baby were trampled to death, facing a fate not much unlike Mufasa in the wildebeest stampede from “The Lion King”. Ginger, however, gets picked up and rides the crowd.)

Ginger: Wha?! Hey, watch those fingers! Yeah! I like this! GIRL POWER! GIRL POWER! GIRL… (Ginger gets moshed around to the back of the crowd and is dropped head-first on the concrete floor) Oi! That hurt! But I survived! GIRL POWER! GIRL POWER! (Ginger’s relief is only short-lived as an angry 600-pound woman, better known as Samantha, comes running towards the crowd swinging a giant Bible around)

Samantha: You God-damned blasphemers! You fuckin’ killed the Spice Girls! God says you all have to fuckin’ die! (She doesn’t see Ginger on the ground and runs her down like road kill. Posh had been watching the whole exchange from nearby)

Posh: Sending that fat whore to do the job was a stroke of genius.

Ginger: Burn…in…hell...bitch…(Dies)

(Once the Spices are gone, the crowd goes on a spree of destruction, tearing the stadium apart. Meanwhile, Destiny’s Child had run backstage to avoid any danger.)

Beyonce: I’m glad we got out of that alive!

Kelly: Yeah! It shows that untalented people never last! Say, where’s Solange?

Beyonce: Off with this boy she met backstage. He says he’s a pop sensation, girl! (Posh storms into the room, clothing in shreds)

Posh: Where the HELL have you two been? Don’t you know the mass destruction going on out there?!

Farrah: You need to worry about the mass destruction that’s about to take place here! (Walks in with LeToya and LaTavia, dressed like them in black leather)

Beyonce: Didn’t I tell you to stay away from me? See, that’s your problem, y’all can’t recognize talent when you see it, Now, I…(Goes on ranting about how she’s the only talent in the group and how they’d be nothing without her)

LeToya: Shut ‘yo ass up, bitch! (Breaks out with a high-powered taser that’s been hooked up to a car battery and aims for Beyonce. Kelly sees this coming and jumps in front of Beyonce)

Kelly: No! I’ll defend you, Bee! I’ll…(Gets hit by the electrical blast and is fried to ashes)

LaTavia: Damn!

Posh: Now, if you’d aimed right, you would have…(She spontaneuosly burns to a crisp. We see that Abigail Kis has joined the group, and is the one holding a flamethrower.)

Abigail: I told you not to bring that shit up about my ex, bitch!

Farrah: Cool! Now, let’s get this ho! (The four women surround Beyonce, all ready to kill)

Beyonce: Y’all ain’t gon’ do nothing, ‘cause I’m a Survivor! (Breaks out into that awful song)

LaTavia: Yeah, right! Survive THIS! (Pulls out a crossbow with a three foot long arrow that had been soaked in poison. She fires, and it not only runs Beyonce through -- destroying her instantly --, but it keeps speeding towards a stage door that flies open...)

Craig: Like, hi! I'm...(Gets pierced through the heart and falls to the ground. As the poison works its way through his system and turns his skin a sick greenish color, Craig realizes his Shakespearean fate and dies a painful death. After their victory, LeToya, LaTavia, Farrah, and Abigail leave the area, letting the stadium become destroyed by the rampant fans. Later on, the four women are lounging in a hot tub sipping on Cristal champagne)

LaTavia: We took out Destiny’s Child.

Abigail: And the Spice Girls!

Farrah: And saved the world from that nasty Craig Croskery thing in the process!

LeToya: Like Kelly said, untalented people don’t last that long!

LaTavia: Good work, ladies! Good work indeed! (They all raise their glasses, and a new alliance is formed)


Whew, that was a long one! Good, wasn’t it? And, if anyone out there is reading this and thinking of filing a lawsuit, don’t! I have my rights to free speech and freedom of the press, plus I’ll have Johnny Cochran on your ass faster that you can say “IF THE GLOVE DON’T FIT, YOU MUST ACQUIT”! Again, drop me a line at and tell me what you think. As usual, flames will be ignored!

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