vs. The Exorcist
vs. The Exorcist(The Spice Girls are in the Spice Bus, driving around a picturesque section of Washington. Sporty is driving, much to the relief of the other girls-if her hands are on the wheel, then they’re not in anyone’s lap. Ginger is in the bathroom, ratting her hair for the sixth time that day. Scary is reading Pot Smoker’s Weekly Digest and eating some "mushroom treats". Posh is reading Vogue, engrossed in an article about what men really want in bed. Baby is wrapped in tinfoil in the backseat-the reality of actually being ENCASED in a shiny object is almost too much for her to bear.)
Posh: Why do men always seem to want the same bloody thing?
(Ginger pokes her head out of the bathroom, interested.)
Ginger: Oh really? What’s that?
Posh: Well, actually, there are three types of men in the world, according to this article.
(Everyone starts listening to Posh read the article except Sporty, who is too busy singing along with the Indigo Girls on the CD player. Besides, since when does she care?)
Posh: (reading aloud) First, there’s the type of man who’s very needy in bed and wants you to always take charge of the lovemaking.
Scary: Hmmm...
Ginger: Ohh...
Baby: Tee hee hee duh!
Posh: Second, there’s the controlling type: from sex to dessert, what he says, goes!
Scary: Ahhh...
Ginger: Hmmm...
(Baby doesn’t respond this time as her mouth hurts too much from chewing the tinfoil.)
Posh: (with a very wicked grin) And there’s the third kind of man...Ginger’s pimps, who all just want their money!
(Scary drops her mushrooms and falls over laughing. Ginger’s face gets almost as red as her hair, but far more natural looking. She kicks Posh in the face.)
Ginger: You stupid highbrow slut, I’ll rip your bloody ears off!
Posh: (Pushing Ginger across the bus and into a wall) You’re so stupid, you probably couldn’t find my ears!
Ginger: You’re right, I probably couldn’t...because they’re covered by your cheap hair extensions!
Posh: Aaaaugh!!!! (The two engage in combat. Scary shakes her head and resumes playing the Happy Mushroom Game. Baby drools all over the backseat. Sporty sighs longingly.)
Sporty: I wish those bloody whores weren’t making me drive the bus...oh well, I’ve seen it before. (She brightens.) And I have it on tape!
(An hour later, Posh and Ginger are sitting on their respective sides of the bus. Scary has long since passed out. Baby has stolen Ginger’s favorite...uhh..."Bedtime Buddy" and is painting a smiley face on it.)
(The bus suddenly stops. Everyone lurches forward. Baby flies all the way up to the front and lands in the passenger seat: head down, legs waving wildly in the air.)
Sporty: Ha! I knew that little trick would work! (She takes a small camera out of her pocket and begins snapping pictures.)
(Everyone in the backseat stands up, soaked in Baby drool that flew over from the backseat, with disgusted looks on their faces.)
Scary: You little lesbo slut! Didn’t they teach you how to drive on "Ellen"?
Sporty: No, but they taught me how to...HEY!!! (She quickly hides the camera as the other girls begin exiting and looks wistfully over at Baby.) Oh, wasted opportunities that life doth offer us...(she looks out the window.) Hey! A hot dog stand! (She leaves the bus, leaving Baby upside down in the front seat. The door is locked, with the heater left on and the hot sun is shining down on the bus. Baby says the first intelligent thing in her entire life.)
Baby: Uh-oh.
(Baby sees a cockroach crawling on the floor in front of her and, her plight forgotten, begins to try making friends with it.)
(Everyone else is at the hot dog stand holding foot-longs.)
Ginger: I like to suck all the mustard off first. It tastes better that way.
Posh: (muttering) I’m sure you do, semen-breath!
Ginger: Did you say something, Victoria?
Posh: Why, nothing at all, dear.
(Scary orders a third hot dog from the vendor.)
Scary: God, I have the munchies so bad...hey! That lady looks familiar!
(The four spice girls look over at a thin, red- haired woman walking down the street in a gray coat and blue cap. She looks very sad.)
Sporty: Well, I’VE never seen her before. She is kinda cute, though...uh! I mean, if you’re into that sort of thing!
Ginger: (raising eyebrow.) And you’re not?
Posh: I don’t know why you think she looks familiar, Mel. I’ve never seen her before.
Ginger: Yeah, me neither.
Sporty: I know why she looks familiar!
Everyone Else: Really? Why?
Sporty: Because it’s relevant to the plot!
Everyone Else: Ohh...
(The woman stops in front of them.)
Woman: Excuse me, but aren’t you the Spice Girls?
Spice Girls: Yes! Girl power! Rock on!
(The woman puts her face in her hands and begins to cry.)
Posh: Most people just throw rotten produce.
Woman: (sniffling) Oh, it’s not you girls, although I certainly do hate your music with a wild passion. It’s my daughter. She’s...she’s possessed by the devil!
Ginger: (sympathetically) Fire her. That’s what we did to our old manager.
(The woman starts crying hysterically. Scary pulls a piece of cloth out of her pocket, shakes the mysterious white powder off it, and hands it to the woman.)
Woman: (blowing her nose) I can’t fire her, you...you...ohh, never mind! But, before she was possessed, she was a huge fan of yours. I was just thinking that if you met her, she might go back to her old sweet self.
(The Spice Girls look at each other and nod determinedly.)
Spice Girls: GIRL POWER!
Scary: We’ll do it!
Posh: But, you’ve got to pay first.
Ginger: Yeah, I won’t do anything with out getting paid first.
Posh: (muttering) Or anyone...
Ginger: EX-cuse ME?
Posh: Why, Ginger, dear, what in heaven’s name is wrong?
Woman: All right...um...I guess. My name is Chris MacNeill, by the way.
(Chris and the Spice Girls walk to her house. Once inside, Chris begins introducing them to everyone.)
Chris: This is Willie and her husband Karl. (An elderly Swiss man and woman nod to them. Their smiles are soon replaced by looks of absolute horror.)
Willie: Ach du lieber! Zee Spice Girls!
Karl: Get me oot of here!
(Willie and Karl dash, panicked, out the door.)
Chris: DESERTERS! (She looks around, aghast, at the sound of her own voice.) Oh...heh heh...um, and this is Sarah...
(A young woman who looks very tired lifts her head from where it was previously resting on the keyboard, groans, and lets it fall back down. Loud snoring is heard.)
Chris: She’s a bit tired, as you can see.
(Scary walks up to Sarah and shakes her gently. Sarah groans and looks up.)
(Scary hands her a little of the white powder she had previously shook off the cloth and holds it under Sarah’s nose. Sarah, still half-asleep, snores a little. Her eyes fly wide open and her jaw drops as the white powder enters her system.)
Sarah: I need candy corn! Dammit, I want it NOW! (She dives out the window and into the bushes, then tears down the street screaming.)
(Everyone stares at Scary.)
Scary: (shrugging) I honestly thought it was just powdered milk! Really!
Ginger: Sure.
Posh: Yeah.
Sporty: Uh-huh.
Scary: Fuck you!
Chris: Girls, please, don’t fight! It makes me look even more like a helpless waif and that’s not good! (She sighs.) I suppose it’s time to meet...
(A thunderous bellow is heard from upstairs. The lights in the house flicker on and off wildly.)
Chris: ...my daughter, Regan.
Posh: She sounds like a LOVELY girl. Where is she?
Chris: Upstairs, chained to the bed. (Chris begins to cry.) Oh, she’s only a child! Just twelve! It seems like only yesterday she was-
Sporty: (interrupting, a greedy gleam in her eyes.) Twelve? Girl? Chained to a bed?
(Scary hits Sporty over the head with her travel bong. Sporty, temporarily stunned, says nothing more. Scary smiles sweetly at Chris.)
Scary: Let’s give Satan a taste of Girl Power!
Posh: Girl Power!
Ginger: Girl Power!
Sporty: Why are there little stars all around my head?
(Chris bites her lip, debating. Then she slowly nods and turns to go upstairs. She is interrupted by a knock from the front door.)
(Chris hurries over and opens it. On the other side an old priest and a young priest are standing side by side. They have very solemn faces and are wearing hats.)
Chris: Oh! Father Merrin! And Father Karras! Thank you so much for coming.
Merrin: It is the least we could do for your poor, darling little girl, Ms. MacNeill.
Karras: And I? I came here for the sexual tension and to find out why the hell a Jewish priest is performing as a Catholic.
Merrin: Oh yeah, I wondered about that too.
Chris: Please, please come in!
(The priests come in. Ginger immediately drops to her knees.)
Ginger: Forgive me O Father for I have sinned. I have...
(Merrin waves his hand.)
Merrin: Forty thousand Hail Marys, and from the look of you I’m pretty sure you might want to do an extra five hundred or so.
Ginger: You mean, I don’t even have to tell you what I did?
Merrin: Quite frankly, I’m afraid to know.
Ginger: (relieved) Oh, thank God!
Karras: That’s the idea. Now, Ms. MacNeill, you fine, fine, foxy lady you...where’s your sweet little spawn of Satan?
Chris: Upstairs. Follow me, everyone.
(Everyone walks upstairs. As they go, cold winds blow from the upstairs and demonic bellowing is heard. The SG shiver with terror.)
Posh: (panicked) What if I die? I’m not wearing Prada! I’ve got to be wearing my bloody Prada when they find my cold dead maimed body!
Sporty: Don’t worry Posh, I’ll hold you if you’re scared!
Ginger: That never works, you bloody Jodie Foster wanna-be!
Karras: Quit talking! The more pointless drivel you spew out, the less morose and sensitive I look!
(All of a sudden, a drunk British man staggers out in front of them. He is holding a glass of champagne.)
Chris: Burke Dennings, what do you think you’re doing here?
Burke: (slurred) I’m out looking for a bloody prostitute, a pint of sherry, and a few damnable barbiturates...as always!
Posh: Ginger could help you out with the first one, and Scary could get those last two in order for you!
Ginger and Scary: Pay first!
Burke: Good God, I’m not THAT bloody drunk! (He squints up at Scary) Pardon me, Madam, but you’ve a goat upon your head.
Scary: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
Chris: Burke, you must get out of here! It’s too dangerous!
Burke: Nonsense, Chris, you bloody Kate Moss doppelganger, I’m just going up to see you lovely bloody daughter!
(Burke goes back upstairs, staggering into Regan’s room, and shuts the door. Chris screams and runs towards him. The priests and Spice Girls follow. A shriek is heard, and Chris runs back out, crying.)
Chris: Oh, dear God!
Merrin: What is it, Miss MacNeill?
Chris: She... she pushed Burke out of the window! I think he’s dead!
Karras: Oh, Miss MacNeill! How perfectly dreadful! Let me wrap my arms around you and comfort you!
Sporty: Let me wrap my legs around you and comfort you!
Chris: Let’s...let’s just go in. I think...I’ll wait downstairs.
(Chris dashes downstairs.)
Spice Girls & the Priests: Fucking chickenshit!
Merrin: I have danced once with the devil before. Now, it is time to dance again.
Karras: Yes, I do agree.
Ginger: I really have to go to the bloody bathroom.
Scary: Where’s Baby?
Ginger: I really gotta GO.
Posh: Why, is your IUD falling out?
Ginger: You... you... (She grabs a fistful of Posh’s hair and rips it straight out of her skull. Her mouth opens wide in astonishment.) Wow...I guess they really AREN’T implants!
Posh: Augh! My hair! My lovely hair! You slutty two-dollar red-light special of a RuPaul convention reject!
Sporty: Ooh, baby, drive me wild.
(Everyone stares at her. At some point, she has put on headphones and is now dancing and singing.)
Sporty: Oooh, baby, I’m a radio! Call me up and make a request!
(All of a sudden, the devilish voice of young Regan echoes throughout the house.)
Regan: I HEAR THE VOICE OF MEL C! (a pause) AHHH... MEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNN!
Merrin: I see I am not yet forgotten.
Karras: Now I have to go to the bathroom.
Merrin: Ladies, we must enter this abode of Satan with only the purest faith of God in your hearts. For now we face the ultimate in evil, the Dark One himself, fiend of the afterworld, robber of souls...
Ginger: I told you, we fired the blasted manager!
Merrin: Are you ready?
Ginger: Yeah! Because we have... GIRL POWER!
Posh: Dammit, that never works, either!
Karras: I don’t feel too comforted.
Merrin: Come, let us go.
(Once inside Regan’s room, everyone gasps at the sight. The shrunken frame of a 12-year old girl lies in the bed, lashed securely to it with steel chains. The window is wide open and the room is freezing cold. Her face is covered in vomit and blisters.)
Ginger: Good God! I’ve never seen a VD THAT bad!
Regan: Ahh, the infamous Spice Girls. How I used to listen to your dreadful music day and night! I collected your dolls, your stickers, your watches! I even cried when Ginger left, and cried again with joy when she returned! But now that I am the Devil incarnate, I couldn’t care less!
Sporty: Ugh! Even I’M too skeeved to even THINK about sex!
(Father Merrin kneels besides Regan’s bed. He takes out a cross, an altar cloth, a Bible, and a vial of holy water. He begins to pray.)
Merrin: O Gracious Heavenly Father, please drive the evil spirit from this innocent child of the Lord, Regan Teresa MacNeill-
Regan: Your mother sucks cocks in hell, Karras!
Karras: Grrr...
Sporty: Does she really?
Karras: Silence! Father Merrin, please continue with the reading.
Merrin: Please, O Christ our Lord, help to cleanse the evil soul from this fragile child of thine...
(As Merrin continues with his prayer of exorcism, Regan’s eyes roll back in their head and a long stream of thick green vomit flows from her mouth. Suddenly, she sits up and shoots a violent stream of it into Father Merrin’s face.)
Spice Girls: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!
(Merrin continues and wipes the vomit from his face.)
Merrin: In the will of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, I hereby drive the evil from this follower of Jesus!
(Suddenly, Regan’s body rises from the bed as her bonds snap. She floats in the air peacefully, but threateningly. The Spice Girls huddle together in fear.)
Ginger: I’m scared!
Posh: (sniff) Me too!
Scary: And I never did get to try these little white pills!
(Sporty just smiles contentedly. Regan’s nightgown has flown up.)
Merrin: Wait a minute, what pills?
Scary: Huh? Oh, just these little white ones I found in your little priest purse thingy. I wanted to try them, but they all fell out when that Burke guy insulted me on the stairs.
(Merrin starts to say something, but suddenly clutches his chest, gives a last final squawk, and falls face-forward on the bed-dead.)
Scary: Uh, is this bad?
Karras: Damn you! Those were his HEART pills! Now he’s dead, and I won’t be able to finish the exorcism!
Regan: AHAHAHA! (She falls back on the bed and rips her nightgown off.) LICK ME! LICK ME! LICK ME!
Sporty: YES I WILL! (She rushes forward before anyone can stop her. All of a sudden, her head twists totally around on her neck. Sporty falls dead to the floor with a macabre, surprised look on her face.)
Karras: Look, now two of us are dead already!
Ginger: YES! SHE’S DEAD!
Posh: I can stop sleeping in scuba gear now!
Scary: God, those musta been soooooooooooooooooooooooome pills!
Karras: Quickly! Help me complete the ceremony! (He hands a few vials of holy water to the remaining Spice Girls.) Throw a bot of this on her and say, ‘The power of Christ compels you!" and we may have one final chance!
Ginger: We can do better than THAT! (She begins splashing the water on Regan.) GIRL POWER COMPELS YOU! GIRL POWER COMPELS YOU!
(The other Spice Girls follow suit. Karras shrugs, flinches, and does the same.)
All: GIRL POWER COMPELS YOU!
(Every time a lick of the holy water its Regan’s body, it leaves an open wound. She hisses and vomits, but otherwise does not suffer any adverse effects.)
Karras: DAMN YOU! ENTER ME! LEAVE HER! ENTER ME!
(Suddenly, a blinding flash of light rushes through the room. Karras’ face contorts and grabs Scary by the neck. H e immediately snaps it. Then, a small bit of sanity regained, he throws himself out the window. As he falls, he rips Posh’s necklace off.)
Posh: Dammit! My necklace! Give it back! (She dives out the window after him, hits the ground seconds later, and dies not too far from Karras’ fallen body.)
Ginger: No! Victoria, you bitch, don’t leave me alone in here! (She leaps out.) Girl powe-*CRUNCH*
(A week later, Regan and Chris are moving out of the house. Regan has returned to her wholesome, perky former self.)
Regan: Mom, what does "cunt" mean?
Chris: Regan!
Regan: I was just WONDERING!
(All of a sudden, a loud shriek is heard from down the block. Regan and Chris turn to each other, shrug, get in the car and drive away.)
(A block away, a crazed ten-year old girl is crying hysterically.)
Spice Fan: Oh no! Baby Spice is dead! WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
(Several passersby stop and stare at this insane little girl. One nice woman goes over to her.)
Lady: Why, what’s the problem, little girl?
Spice Fan: It’s...*sniffle*...baby Spice! She’s...she’s... (The girl points at the window of the nearby Spice Bus. The woman goes over to it and peers in. She shrieks at the horrible/wonderful sight inside...)
(Baby Spice is lying dead facedown in the front seat, her wasted body now overrun with cockroaches. As the little girl screams in sadness, sane people everywhere rejoice in both the defeat of Satan and the death of some unimportant so-called "musicians" from England.)
THE END
Trademark and copyright 1999. Do not reproduce without giving the author due credit.
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