Foreward from Cloud: Here it is... the most popular video game RPG of all time, torn to shreds by my hands. :) Lots of inside gags for those who have played the game at least once abound in here, and there are a few spoilers if you haven't played the game all the way until the end. Just download the demo, play about five minutes of it, and you'll get most of the more inside jokes. And I don't want any angry letters complaining about me not putting Vincent, Yuffie, Cait Sith, Red XIII, or Cid into this story. They just didn't fit. And finally, I doubt that non-FF7 fans have any clue about the events regarding Barret's gun in this story, so I'm prepared to answer all inside joke questions, as always. :)

  vs.   Final Fantasy VII

by Cloud Volpe

(It is a bleak, cold day. Cloud, Barret, Aerith, and Tifa are leaving Midgar.)

Cloud: Well, this certainly does suck. We have to track down Sephiroth before he does something absolutely terrible to the world.

Barret: Hey, since when do you care about anything but yourself?

Cloud: Since it became relevant to the plot!

Tifa: Hey, do the rest of you hear something?

Aerith: Ack! I hear it! It's like a whistling noise… gradually getting louder…

Cloud: Could it be a zolom?

Barret: If it is, I'll shoot it with my arm-gun!

Cloud: Oh please! You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with that thing!

Barret: Excuse me?!?!

Cloud: You miss every time! For such a powerful gun, that thing seems to be surprisingly non-lethal.

Barret: Why you filthy little cracker! I'll show you! (Barret takes careful aim at Cloud, and inches closer until the turret on his arm is mere inches away from Cloud's chest. He fires.) Take that!

(Cloud stands there as Barret's bullets somehow miss him entirely. Barret keeps firing for a good five seconds before he stops, out of breath.)

Cloud (yawning): See? You might as well have blanks in there!

(Suddenly, from out of the sky, the gradually increasing whistling noise reveals itself to be a large Union Jack bus falling from the sky. It crashes about fifty feet from the surprised party.)

Tifa: What the hell…?

(From inside the damaged bus, audible coughing is heard. Slowly, the Spice Girls emerge. Ginger is being carried by Sporty from the wreckage.)

Scary (dusting herself off): Christ, what a mess!

Baby: Duh!

Posh: Baby's right! Why the hell did we listen to that red-haired kid with the glasses?

Sporty: Probably because that white dog he was with sounded really, really smart.

Posh: Right. So on the word of a bespectacled dog, über-bitch here decides to drive the bus here through a mysterious portal.

Ginger (weakly): Fuck you… at least it wasn't a Delorean this time…

Sporty: Ginger, you sound bad. Do you need mouth-to-mouth? (Before Ginger and the others can protest in disgust, Sporty notices Tifa and Aerith watching from several feet away.) Hot shit! Babe alert! (Sporty drops Ginger flatly on the ground and dashes over to the group of heroes and puts her arm on Tifa's shoulder.) So… sweetcakes… how's it hanging?

Tifa: Why, it's hanging quite well, thank you for… HEY! Wait a minute, who the hell are you five?

(The rest of the Spice Girls wander over. Ginger, still hurt, is biting Posh's ankles as she walks, and is consequently being dragged along.)

Scary: Why, we're the Spice Girls!

Barret: The who?

Baby: Tee hee!

Posh: The Spice Girls! (blank stares) You know… pop group sensation? (blank stares) Sold millions of albums? Despised by more people than the population of Europe? (blank stares) Girl power?

Cloud (whispering to Aerith): They must be from Don Corneo's place.

Aerith: That would explain the costumes at any rate.

Cloud: Well… umm… look… we're trying to save the world and all. You're welcome to come along if that's what you want.

Ginger: Fuck this! I'm outta here. (She starts to walk away.)

Scary (running up to catch her): What are you, crazy? Think how many records we'd sell if we saved the world!

Ginger: But this isn't our world! And we always get the shit beaten out of us whenever we do anything… even breathe.

Scary: Good, then that means they don't hate us automatically yet!

Ginger (pondering): You know, you're right! You're not as dumb as you look!

Scary: Thank you!

(They run to catch up to everyone else. Sporty is still hitting on Tifa.)

Sporty: You know… I used to be a construction worker.

Tifa: Go away!

(The entire group begins walking towards a nearby farm. Posh is looking at Cloud's pouches. She notices the sparkle of a jewel inside an open pocket.)

Posh (drooling): That's the biggest ruby I've ever seen! (She grabs a shiny red sphere from Cloud's pocket.) Now this would look good on a necklace!

(Suddenly, the ball begins glowing, and from the sky, a gigantic dragon appears.)

Bahamut (the dragon) (glancing around for a while): Okay, I give up. Where are the bad guys?

Posh: Huh?

Cloud (dropping to one knee): Bahamut, we are terribly sorry. This one grabbed the materia from me and summoned you.

Bahamut (squinting at Posh): This one is not intelligent enough to use materia.

Posh: Err… dumb luck?

Bahamut (raising an eyebrow): Indeed. Don't let it happen again. (He flies away.)

Cloud (getting back up and snatching the materia violently from Posh's claws): Give me that! (He puts it away safely.) Do NOT touch that again!

Posh: Hmph. Fine then, mister… uh…

Tifa: His name is Cloud. His parents aren't hippies, either. The big dumb ox is Barret…

Barret: Hey!

Tifa: …I'm Tifa, and the hippie slut is Aerith.

Aerith: That's me.

Ginger: Barret? Aerith? Jumping Jesus on pot, the only name that could possibly be worse than that is…

Posh: Don't say it!

Ginger (innocently): Say what?

Posh: You know what!

Ginger: You mean you don't want me to say that the name Aerith is almost as bad as… (Posh gets ready to lunge at Ginger's throat.) Phoenix?

(Posh doubles over laughing.)

Scary: You hideous bitch! I've been waiting a long time for this! (Scary pounces on Ginger and begins trying to tear off her lips.)

Posh: Hey, let me in there! That's my job! (Posh scrambles to the fight and joins in the brawl.)

Sporty: Woohoo! Catfight! Yeeeeeeeeee-haw!

(The fight stops immediately at Sporty's words.)

Scary: Deviant bitch.

Sporty: God damn it.

Barret: That does it! I can't stand this bullshit! I'm going to shoot them all with my gun!

Cloud (snickering): Go right ahead.

(Barret tries again to let loose a stream of fatal bullets from his gun-arm, and yet every shot seems to either miss or have no effect.)

Barret: Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck fuck! (He begins cursing with words that not even the Spice Girls have heard at their concerts.)

Baby: Duh?

Posh: Hey, we're alive!

Sporty: Yeah, what are the odds? Guns don't usually do that to us…

(The party moves on to the farm, Barret cursing all the while. An older man greets them at the edge of the farm. A few tall, yellow-colored birds wander around a fenced meadow.)

Farmer: Hiya. Do ya'll know about chocobos?

Posh: Ginger probably does. She knows about choking down all sorts of things.

Ginger: Hey!

Farmer: No, no. Chocobos. They're birds, like the ones over yonder. (He points to the birds in the fenced pen.)

Cloud: No, I don't know much about chocobos, although I'm sure you'll be glad to volunteer information about their breeding habits to me that only the most advanced nerd would find useful.

Farmer: Right you are son.

Scary: This is amazing. Everyone in this world seems so… helpful. I'll bet we could stroll right into someone's house and they would repeat the same tidbit of information over and over again as if they knew us.

(The farmer begins rambling on and on about chocobos. Finally, after several hours…)

Farmer: …and that's how you get a gold chocobo. Did you write all that down?

Tifa: Umm… d'oh!

Farmer: That's okay. I'd be happy to repeat it.

Ginger: No, please don't!

Sporty (fascinated by the farmer's speech): Wow, so I guess gold ones are the best, huh?

Farmer: Well, if you like to do fancy shit, yeah. But me… I just like a good ol' fashioned yellow chocobo. They're just as tasty as any other.

Scary: Oh, so they make a good dinner?

Farmer: Dinner? Hell no! I'm talkin' about buggerin'!

Aerith: Oh dear…

Posh: I think I'm about to be sick…

Farmer: Oh come on! They're the perfect height! And besides, ever since my wife ran off with her brother, I've gotta have something to occupy my time!

Barret: I'm gonna shoot you, you sick fuck! (The bullets fly from Barret's arm, but the farmer is unfazed. Barret screams and runs away.)

Cloud: Let's get out of here. Quickly.

Scary: Yes.

Ginger: Definitely.

Posh (vomiting): <hurrrkk>

Baby: Duh…

Sporty: Say, are there any female chocobos?

(Scary grabs Sporty's arm and drags her away before any more can be said. After trudging through a swamp, the entire group ends up in a mine, face to face with three ominous-looking people in business suits.)

Barret: The Turks (referring to Rude, Elena, and Tseng, the three Turks--go play the game)!

Aerith: Oh no! What will we do?

Sporty (to Aerith): Hey, I can protect you, ba…

Scary: Shut it!

Sporty: Shit.

Tseng: Haha! Now we have you!

Elena: You'll never escape this time!

Cloud: But that's what you told us last time!

Rude: Yeah, well… um… we went out and killed a bunch of smaller, helpless creatures to get more challenging…

Barret: Everyone stand back! I'll shoot them with my…

Cloud: Oh, shut up! Let's just fight them!

Ginger: Yeah! Girl power!

(Everyone turns to stare at the Spice Girls.)

Posh: Err… you know… girl power?

Tifa: Ugh! Just help us fight them.

Scary: Oh, fine.

(Suddenly, the entire world seems to spin in a vortex, and all the fighters appear before each other slightly changed.)

Sporty: Whoa, trippy.

Scary: Hey, that was wild. I think I want to get into more fights.

Posh: That's odd… suddenly everyone looks better animated!

(The girls turn to watch the fight between the Turks and Cloud, Barret, Tifa, and Aerith. Cloud has slashed each Turk at least two times, Barret has shot them with his gun-arm, Tifa has clobbered them in their jaws, and Aerith has smashed them with her staff. Soon, the vortex appears again, returning everyone to his or her normal appearance, thus ending the battle.)

Tseng: Dammit! You won again! This stinks!

Rude: Quickly! Let's run away so they get even more frustrated that they haven't killed us yet!

(The Turks flee. Cloud and the others breathe a sigh of relief. The Spice Girls stand there, dumbfounded.)

Ginger: …What the FUCK was that?

Tifa: Huh?

Cloud: What?

Ginger: You… you… I mean… you slashed them and shot them a billion times!

Barret: And?

Scary: Well… shit! They're still alive!

Aerith: So?

Sporty: People are supposed to DIE when they get stabbed, beaten, and shot repeatedly!

(Cloud exchanges a puzzled glance with the rest of his teammates.)

Cloud: They ARE?

Barret: Look, I don't know what crazy, fucked-up world you five hos come from, but around here, people don't just up and die when you use guns or swords on them!

Ginger: That's it. This is sick. This whole fucking world is messed up! (She pauses, looking at Cloud, Barret, Tifa, and Aerith.) I mean, look at YOU! Why does everyone have arms like Popeye?! And whenever you all decide to walk somewhere, you all walk towards Cloud and disappear?

Aerith: What, something's odd about that?

Ginger (throwing her arms in the air): I give up.

Cloud: Now, if you're all done PMSing, we have to move on. (Tifa, Barret, and Aerith nod and walk into Cloud, where they promptly disappear, leaving only Cloud.)

Scary (rubbing her eyes): Man, I need to cut down on that black tar shit.

(They move on to a quaint little seaside town and rent a room. The next day, Cloud and the rest return to their inn room, soaking wet. The Spice Girls are sitting in the room, each one attending to something different. Baby is giggling at a coin she's been spinning on a table all day. Scary is busily trying to use a hacksaw to make her hair appear more attractive. Ginger is writing several business letters to various music companies. Posh is modeling a new dress she picked up at the local general store. And Sporty is… well… watching Posh model the new dress she picked up at the local general store.)

Cloud: Why is nothing ever easy?

Tifa: Why do we end up fighting some hideous monster every time we go somewhere? Why can't we find a nice little bunny rabbit to kick the shit out of every so often?

Aerith: And why didn't that stupid little bitch swim back to shore instead of play with that damned dolphin?

Barret: And for that matter, why didn't these five help us out? We could use a shot of that "girl power" shit you keep yappin' about.

Scary (muttering): Yeah, that's not all you could use a shot of.

Barret: What?

Scary (smiling): Oh, nothing.

Cloud: Well, anyway, we have a long day ahead of us tomorrow, so we should all get some sleep.

Posh: Good idea. Where are the other rooms of the inn?

Cloud: Other… rooms…?

Posh: Oh no, don't tell me…

Cloud: Inns only have one room with three beds. Where have you been?

Sporty (a grin widening on her face): So that means…?

Tifa: Yes, we all have to split the three beds. Aerith and I will… <ahem> sleep with Cloud (Cloud grins lecherously), Barret can sleep with his gun (Barret grins lecherously), and you five can sleep together (Sporty grins in a manner that is far beyond lecherous).

Scary: Oh. Oh… fuck.

(Barret, Cloud, Aerith, and Tifa jump into their respective beds, and turn out the light. The room is now dark, except for four pairs of wide, terrified eyes and one pair of grinning, happy eyes.)

Cloud: Goodnight.

Posh (whispering): Damn it.

Scary (shrieking): Ack! Sporty! Get your hand off of my ass!

Sporty (innocently): My hand's not on your ass!

Scary: Then who's grabbing my ass?!?

(There is a long, long pause.)

Sporty: Oh. Oh! That's your ass! Terribly sorry! I thought it was Ginger's!

Ginger: Hey!

(There is a shuffling noise in the darkness, and a loud thump. Sporty's eyes appear much closer to the ground than before.)

Baby: Tee hee!

Posh: That's right, you're sleeping on the floor, dyke!

Sporty: Oh, bloody hell.

(The four remaining Spice Girls hop into bed and close their eyes.)

Scary: Goodnight Baby. Goodnight Posh. Goodnight Ginger. Goodnight Sporty.

Sporty: Oh, to Hell with all of you.

Baby: Tee hee duh. Tee hee duh-duh. Tee hee duh-duh. Tee hee duh-duh.

Ginger: Goodnight Scary. Goodnight Baby. Goodnight Overpriced Whore. Goodnight Sporty.

Posh: Goodnight Scary. Goodnight Sporty. Goodnight Baby. Goodni… HEY!

(Choking sounds arise from Ginger's mouth as everyone falls peacefully asleep… except for Posh. She waits for everyone to doze off, then produces the glowing red materia from a hidden pouch in her new dress.)

Posh: Now… if I can just figure out how to cut this thing into a diamond shape… (As she rubs it, the roof to the inn tears off, and the dragon appears once again.) Oh bugger.

Bahamut: Evil fiends! I will… (He looks around the room.) What the hell…? Where are the bad guys? Where is the evil I must vanqui… (He looks down to see Posh holding the red materia again. He puts his hand to his brow.) Oh Christ, not again.

Posh: <gulp> Umm… sorry…

Bahamut: You made me miss Seinfeld for this? I should carve you a new sinus cavity with my bare claws!

Posh: Look… I… uh… I promise this won't happen again, okay?

Bahamut: It had better not! Do you know how long I've been waiting to see the Soup Nazi episode?

(He flies away in a blinding flash of light, and the roof of the inn falls back into place. Everyone is still asleep. Posh places the materia in her purse, and tries to fall back asleep. About eight hours pass, and soon the sun is up. Everyone gradually wakes up. Posh begins fondling the sleeping body on top of her.)

Posh (eyes still closed, and still half asleep): Oh, David.

Sporty (the prone body on top of Posh): Oh (She fakes a deep masculine voice, which isn't too difficult for Sporty to do.)… Victoria.

(Posh's eyes shoot wide open.)

Posh: Hey, you're not David! David never remembers my name! (She looks down to see Sporty grinning sheepishly at her.)

Sporty: Err… uh… I had a… bad dream? (Posh, infuriated, brings her leg up and knees Sporty in the crotch. Sporty doubles back in pain.) Oh… that… hurt… more… than… it… should… have…

Cloud: Man oh man. I had such a terrible dream.

Tifa: Oh! Poor dear! Did you have another bad dream about Sephiroth and Jenova?

Cloud: Well, yeah, but I was referring to the sex dream I had about her. (He points to Ginger.)

Ginger: Hey!

Posh: You mean she's a bad lay in dreams too? And here I thought it was just in real life.

Ginger: You fuc…

Scary: Hey, knock it off! The last time you two fought… which is last night as I recall, *I* ended up in the headlock.

Posh: Whoops.

(Time passes. The party goes through a large portion of the game's events as scripted… although slightly weirder and more vulgar than the FF7 you or I might have played. To sum things up, Sephiroth steals some powerful black materia from Cloud, kills Aerith [causing her to drop the precious white materia that can save the world], a bunch of other characters show up, yadda yadda yadda, and the entire group ends up in a huge-ass crater.)

Tifa: Wow, the last several days just seemed to fly by rather quickly!

Barret: Hey Cloud, refresh my memory again… are you a clone of Sephiroth, or is he a clone of you?

Tifa: Or are you both clones of something else?

Cloud: …Hell, I don't remember! This whole thing is confusing the hell out of me!

Scary: You're telling us!

Posh: I'm just amazed that we haven't died or gotten severely hurt yet!

Ginger: Yeah, we don't usually last this long.

Baby: Tee hee!

(Cloud stares into the tunnel the group is about to enter.)

Cloud: Sephiroth is right down this tunnel. This will be our final stand. We might not all survive.

Tifa: …

Barret: …

Scary: …

Ginger: …

Sporty: …

Baby: …

Posh: …

Cloud: This would have been so much easier if Aerith had managed to give us the white materia…

Sporty: Oh, I found the white materia days ago!

Cloud (dumbfounded): WHAT???

Sporty: Yeah, well, after you grieved over Aerith's body and all, I took it upon myself to… uh… strip-searched her to see if she… uh… had anything valuable.

Cloud (mouth wide open): You… you… you WHAT?

Sporty: Oh, fine! I shagged her! But she didn't struggle or anything, if that's any consolation.

(Everyone is visibly disgusted.)

Barret: I'm going to shoot you with…

Cloud: Shut up! (to Sporty) That's because she was DEAD, you idiot!

Sporty: Oh… right… that explains it then.

Cloud: I should kill you! All she wanted to do was save the world with her white materia, and you…

Sporty: But I got the white materia! It looked too valuable to leave behind!

Cloud (letting out a heavy sigh and speaking through clenched teeth): You had the materia all this time and… oh, fine… just hand the damn thing over.

Sporty: Hand what over?

Cloud: The materia! The white materia!

Sporty: Oh… um… I kinda traded it in when we went back to Midgar…

Tifa: To who???

Sporty: Well, she said her name was Lacey…

Cloud: Fuck! That does it! (He pulls out his sword, ready to slice the Spice Girls in half. The spinning vortex thingie signals the start of the battle.)

Ginger: Not again… this always makes me nauseous.

(Cloud lunges forward with his sword and slices directly across Sporty's chest. Rather than the usual blood pouring out of Sporty, a three-digit number emerges instead, and hovers in front of her body for a moment.)

Sporty: What in the…?

Posh: Don't worry! I have something that can help us to stop them!

Baby: Tee hee?

Scary: Is it girl power?

Posh: Fuck no! It's… THIS! (She reaches into her purse and produces the infamous red materia. She begins rubbing it vigorously.) Come on you winged bastard, get your scaled ass down here!

(In a blinding flash of light, the dragon Bahamut appears in all his glory.)

Bahamut: NOW WHAT?!

Posh (humbly): Um… could you please kill them for us? (She points to Cloud, Barret, and Tifa.)

(Bahamut turns to stare at the others, then turns back to Posh. Smoke rises from his nostrils.)

Bahamut: You simple little tramp! You called me down here to kill your ALLIES?

Posh: Er… I didn't mean to interrupt anythi…

Bahamut: INTERRUPT?! Mulder and Scully were about to KISS!!! And I'm missing it!!!

(He flies up into the air, swirls around several times, grabs a planet out of the sky, and throws it down upon Posh. Surprisingly, no one else in the area, regardless of proximity, is unaffected by this. However, the numbers "999" emerge from Posh's chest, and she disappears. Bahamut grabs the red materia from the ground, crushes it in his clawed hand, and flies away, cheering to himself.)

Ginger (staring at the vacant space once occupied by Posh): Wow… I mean… damn!

Scary: Not as bloody as we're used to…

Sporty: Shit! Where did her body go?

(Suddenly, a sinister voice echoes from all directions around the group of seven.)

Sephiroth: Mwa ha ha ha! You'll never stop me! And you can't bribe me with prostitutes, either! This planet is doomed!

Tifa: Damn! Enough fighting amongst ourselves! Sephiroth is here, and we have to stop him before the comet comes crashing into the planet!

(Sephiroth appears before everyone, in a very altered form. He has wings and other new extensions, and power seems to ooze from every pore of his body. A huge fight ensues [I won't bore anyone with details that are mind-bogglingly impossible, but suffice it to say that Seph causes a supernova or two, and even they don't kill Cloud and his gang. What do you expect from a video game?]. Soon, Sephiroth, severely weakened, stands before Cloud in his human form. Cloud seems to be charging up for a final attack. Sephiroth notices this, and thinks quickly.)

Sephiroth: Fine, Cloud. Go ahead. Kill me. Kill me when all I have left is (He raises his voice so the Spice Girls can hear.)… a rock of crack, a shiny metal coin, a copy of No Man's Land 18, and a gigantic penis!

(If the Spice Girls' ears were like those of rabbits, they would have perked up at Sephiroth's words. Instantly, the four girls rush in front of Cloud to grope at Sephiroth and his supposed "goodies," as Cloud lets loose with a barrage of attacks. To call this a simple sword attack would be to devalue the sheer beauty of a flurry of at least one hundred separate swipes and slices with a sword, all spanning close to ten seconds. The Spice Girls, caught in the way of this volley of attacks, are instantly diced into tiny pieces, which litter the ground at Sephiroth's feet. Cloud ends his attack, and leans on his sword.)

Cloud (out of breath): <huff>… <huff>… Shit.

Sephiroth (smiling): You missed.

Cloud: No… <huff> kidding… and <huff> now I'm pooped.

Sephiroth: Well… no big deal… you did manage to kill those girls… I'm sure that someone somewhere is grateful for that. (He pauses for a moment.) Tell you what, Cloud… I know we're mortal enemies and I've killed your friends and caused you indescribable amounts of pain and torture and all… but what say we go back to Midgar for a beer and watch the comet destroy the planet together?

Cloud: I thought you'd never ask!

Tifa: Yay! We've got front row seats to the end of the world!

Barret: First round is on me!

(The group of four walks away arm-in-arm as the Final Fantasy VII ending music plays in the background.)


Trademark and copyright 1999, CloudVader Productions. Do not reproduce without giving the author, Cloud Volpe, due credit.

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