vs.   Jerry Springer

By Oliver Mulvey

Jerry (not to be confused with Geri): Welcome back. Now, if you've just joined us, we've been talking to Denise and Butch. Now, they've been going out together for a year, but Denise has just got around to telling Butch that she's really a man. However, as we're going to find out, it's really Butch that has the surprise for Denise.

Audience: GASP!

Butch (clearly 'a few cans short of a six-pack'): That's right, Denise, I do have a surprise for you.

Denise (clearly a bigger slut than Geri): What is it, hon?

Butch: I'm… err… ahh…

Jerry: Come on, now, Butch, don't be shy.

Butch: I'm in love with somebody else, Denise.

Denise (horrified): Oh, how could you?! Who the hell is it? No, don't tell me. It's that slut Cindy from the supermarket isn't it? Don't you go-a-lying now, Butch. I've seen you looking at her.

Butch: No, it ain't Cindy. She's called Flossie.

Denise: Flossie? What the hell kind of name is that for a woman?

Butch: She's not a woman, Denise.

Denise: Huh?

Jerry: I think it'd be simpler if we just bring Flossie out here.

Flossie: Baaaa.

Denise: Butch, how could you?! You know that sheep and I have an understanding.

Jerry: Now, while Denise and Butch are thinking about their relationship, I'd like to introduce our next guest on today's show. Please welcome Miss Geri Halliwell, better known as Ginger Spice.

Man in crowd (there's always one): Get yer tits out!

Ginger: Ok, give me a momen… Hey, piss off.

Jerry (conciliatory): Hey, hey, don't pay any attention to him. Now, it's my understanding that for the past couple of years you've been part of a band called the Spice Girls. You've travelled around the world singing dire pop songs and brainwashing young children into buying your records, making a great deal of money in the process. Is that right?

Ginger: Yeah, that sounds about right.

Jerry: Now, you've come hear today because there's something that you've been wanting to tell the other girls in your band.

Ginger: Oh yes, there's something that I've been meaning to get off my chest for a long time.

Man in audience: Your clothes?

Ginger: Well, those as we… Hey, I thought I'd told you to piss off.

Jerry (to the audience): Come on, people, let her have her say. (to Ginger) Go on, what were you about to say?

Ginger: Just that I've got something very important to tell them.

Jerry: Ok, let's bring them on so that you can tell them.

Posh: Why did you bring Ginger out first? After all, I'm much better looking than her.

Ginger: Bollocks! You just use more makeup, bitch.

Posh: I don't know why you bother using makeup at all, whore. After all, your face is a lost cause already.

Jerry: Now, Ginger, would I be right if I were to guess that there's a touch of hostility between yourself and Posh?

Ginger: Definitely. However, I hate the rest of them just as much.

Jerry: Why is that? Could you take us through your reasons for hating each girl? Let's start with Baby, she seems inoffensive enough.

Ginger: Ok, watch this.

Ginger: Hey, Emma, how are you doing?

Baby: Duh.

Ginger: Isn't the weather nice today?

Baby: Tee Hee.

Ginger: Do you want a shiny object?

Baby (bouncing up and down): Duh! Duh! Duh! Duh! Duh!

Ginger: See what I mean?

Jerry: I don't know. She seems brighter than most of our guests. And she hasn't hit anybody with a chair yet.

Ginger: She's bad. But she's nothing like as bad as Sporty.

Jerry: Why, what's your problem with Sporty?

Ginger: Hey, Sporty, I think you're in with a chance there.

Sporty: Really? That's grea… (she stops, thinks and realises her mistake) wait a moment, in with a chance of what?

Ginger: Having sex with that woman.

Sporty (cautious): Why would I want to do that? I'm comfortable with my sexuality.

Ginger: It's just a pity that nobody else is.

Sporty: Are you implying that I'm not (she stops and thinks for a moment) straight?

Ginger: Damn right I am.

Sporty: That's bloody slander, you cow.

Ginger: See, the audience agrees with me.

Jerry: Actually, I think they're shouting Jerry with a 'J', not Geri.

Ginger: Oh, I see. (She turns to the audience.) Well, screw you, you bastards.

Jerry: Ok, can we just clear a few things up. Sporty, you say that you're not gay? Am I right?

Sporty: Right.

Jerry: And you've never had a gay experience.

Sporty: No. Never.

Posh: I find that a bit hard to believe. After all, I've had lesbian experiences.

Sporty (shocked): Huh?

Scary: Oh yeah. Me too.

Sporty: Say what?

Baby (regaining consciousness): Tee Hee.

Posh: Baby says that she has too.

Sporty: What the hell? When did this happen.

Posh: Don't you remember? That time we were staying in that seedy hotel and we all had to share a room. Ginger had gone out to get batteries and you were downstairs hitting on the girl at the reception desk. We just got a bit bored.

Sporty: Holy shit. I don't believe I'm hearing this. How the hell did it happen?

Scary: I'd just got my tongue pierced. I wanted to find out what snogging was like with the stud, so I practiced on the girls.

Posh: Then Baby got them out for us. That's how I realised that men just weren't right for me.

Scary: Hey, it's just not my style to be straight.

Posh: As you can imagine, one thing led to another…

Sporty (furious): I don't fucking believe this. You could have let me know.

Posh: Why? We didn't think you'd be interested. After all, you're always telling us that you're straight.

Sporty (spitting with rage): Of course I'd have been fucking interested!

Scary (between spasms of mirth): Oh my God. I can't believe she fell for it.

Posh: I told you she would. You owe me five dollars now.

Sporty (realisation dawning): You mean you were winding me up?

Posh: Of course we were winding you up. You didn't actually believe us did you, you dumb bitch?

Sporty (blind with rage): That's not fucking funny. I'm going to fucking KILL you!

Jerry: After the break, we'll be meeting the families of a couple of the girls. We'll also be hearing Ginger tell the girls her message. That's coming right up after these messages.

Jerry: Welcome back. If you've just joined us, then we've been talking to the Spice Girls. Ginger has something that she wants to tell to the rest of the group. We've been exploring some of the relationships that exist within the group. What we're going to do now is; we're going to introduce the families of two of the girls. We'd like you to meet Posh's fiancé, David Beckham, her son, Brooklyn, and Scary's daughter, Phoenix.

Scary: Wait a moment. Did somebody just say that I had a daughter? I don't remember that.

Posh: You were probably stoned at the time.

Scary: I remember that I went into hospital at some point and that some nurses gave me some really lame drugs, but I don't remember anything else.

Ginger: You were stoned. Why else would you have called your kid Phoenix?

Posh: That was really dumb.

Ginger: Not as dumb as Brooklyn, mind you.

Posh: You bitch! I'll get you for that.

Jerry: Now, David, you're Posh's fiancé, right? How do you feel about her?

Beckham (thick as shit): Me … like … Posh. Me … shag … Posh.

Jerry: That's lovely. But what I was tryi…

Beckham (interrupting): Me … shag … Ginger.

Posh: What the hell?

Ginger (smug): Oh, I'm so glad you had to find out this way.

Beckham: Me … shag … Scary.

Scary: Man, I need to cut down my intake.

Posh: For God's sake, are you blind?

Beckham: Me … shag … Baby.

Baby: Duh.

Posh: Aaargh. It gets worse. But at least he can't have shagged Sporty. That's something.

Beckham: Me … shag … Sporty.

Posh: Bollocks. She's gay.

Sporty: I'm not. Honest. (Everybody is looking at her.) Oh, alright. I was drunk and he was wearing a skirt. How was I supposed to know?

Posh: I swear, I'm going to kill you all.

Ginger: It gets better. It's not just us you see. Do you remember that time that All Saints were staying just down the road from us?

Posh: No, it can't be.

Ginger: How about the time that B*Witched were staying over the road?

Posh: No!

Ginger: Of course, I'll never know how he managed to sleep with Billie and Britney Spears in the same night.

Posh: NO!

Ginger: I must say, I personally feel that his greatest achievement occurred on the night that we spent in the same hotel as Boyzone.

Ginger: You see, Posh, it's good that you and I can be open with each other about these things.

Beckham: Hur … hur … that … tickles .

Jerry: Maybe we could all calm down a little here. Tempers are running high and that's not good. Ginger, perhaps you could use this as an opportunity to say what's been bothering you.

Ginger (turning to address the other girls): Girls, there's something I've been meaning to say for a while. We've been living together for a long time now. Sure, we've had our bad times, but we've also had our … worse times. During this time I've come to know each of you very well. I've learned about your characters, about your strengths, about your weaknesses. You've been a major part of my life for years now and there's something I want to say. FUCK YOU! I hate each and every last one of you. I hope you all rot in hell you sick weirdoes. I'm getting out of this band and I'm not coming back. Victoria, you can keep your moronic boyfriend and you can keep your bloody holier-than-thou attitude. Scary, I've had enough of your bloody mouth furniture. Sporty, I truly hope that whatever region of hell you are banished to is men only. Baby, I'm not going to waste my breath on you since you don't understand a word I say.

I'm sick of having people take the piss out of our records. I'm sick of being booed off stage. I'm sick of being pelted with rotten vegetables. I've come to a point in my life where I want something better. I want to dress in black and look serious all the time. I want a proper, respectable job at the United Nations. I want to release nauseating records that everybody has to pretend to like because I'm all serious. I want to take a vow of chastity in the hope that people will forget I used to sleep with anything in sight.

There, I've said it. Now, what do you lot have to say for yourselves?

Sporty: That's OK by me.

Scary: Yeah, go ahead.

Posh: It's about time.

Ginger (deflated): You're not upset? You don't want to know my real reason?

Posh: OK, tell us the real reason if you want.

Ginger: I'm really doing this because I've got GIRL POWER!

Posh: Err, I hate to disappoint you, but, no, you've not.

Ginger: Huh?

Posh (patiently): You see, 'Girl Power' is an official Spice Girls catch phrase. It's copyrighted to us. You're no longer a Spice Girl, so we can sue you if you say it.

Ginger: Oh God. What have I done? How am I going to end arguments now?

Posh: That's your problem now. We don't have to help you anymore.

Ginger (meekly): Can I come back? Please?

Posh: I'm sorry, but I don't feel that you're really compatible with the direction that our music is about to take.

Sporty: Shall I comfort her?

Posh: Please, go ahead.

Scary: No. Not even Ginger deserves that. (To Ginger) Cheer up, Ginger, maybe you could invent your own catch phrase. How about 'GERIatric Power'?

Posh: Hehe. I like this game. How about 'Slut Power'.

Ginger (howling): No! It can't be!

Ginger: So, we meet again, Posh. The circle is complete. When we last met, I was but a student. Now, I am the master.

Posh: Only a master of bad music, Ginger.

Security guard #1: Look, one of them's escaping.

Security guard #2: What should we do?

Jerry: Kill her. It'll make great TV.

Jerry: I guess we've all learned something today. We've learned that sex with sheep just doesn't work in the long run. But, we've also learned that forming a massively successful, yet hideously under-talented band just doesn’t pay in the long run. Sooner or later, somebody's always going to smash your brains out with a chair leg. That's it for today's show. Goodbye. Take care of yourselves, and each other.

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