vs.   Michael Myers

by Cloud Volpe, with a ton of help (see below)

(The Spice Bus pulls into Langford, Illinois on October 31. The town is busy with the festivities of Halloween - little kids are trick-or-treating, parents are handing out candy, and teenagers are getting drunk off their asses.)

Posh Spice: Ginger you stupid bitch! Where the hell are we?

Ginger Spice: Fuck off Posh, this looks like Aspen, Colorado to me!

Posh: If this is Colorado, then where are the mountains?

Baby Spice: Tee hee hee! Duh!

Ginger: They're… umm… well… shut up, you slut!

(A string of insults bounces back and forth between Ginger and Posh. Scary just holds her head in her hands and waits for their anger to pass. After a couple hours…)

Scary Spice: If you two are QUITE finished ,we need to stop at the convenience story because we ran out of batteries. Remember?

Ginger (what Scary is saying dawns on her): SHIT! TO THE 7-11! (She floors it, causing the girls to be jolted around in the back. Sporty lands on Posh, her hand in a very private place. Sporty grins.)

Posh: Oh my BLOODY LORD! Get off of me!

Sporty Spice: What? I got jerked around when Ginger took off! It was an accident!

(Sporty grows quiet after receiving a death-glare from the other girls. They pull into the convenience store. A short time later, equipped with a 32-pack (if there is such a thing) of batteries, they set out to find a motel.)

Scary (after searching for hours): I can't find a motel ANYWHERE!

Ginger: We're just going to have to find an abandoned old house that no one has lived in for years.

Scary: Well… all right, that makes sense.

(They continue driving along until they come across the abandoned Myers house. Warning signs and threats are all over the yard and house but being as stupid as they are, the girls ignore the warnings. They get out and begin to look around when a police officer approaches Ginger and Posh.)

Officer: All right, that's it. I'm sick of prostitutes running around our town. This time I'm taking you in! No "favors" are going to keep you out of jail now!

(Posh is flabbergasted.)

Posh: How DARE you compare me to a common whore?! I am POSH SPICE. You know… the Spice Girl that got knocked up out of… (She trails off.) Nevermind.

Ginger: Okay, I admit it, you got me. But I haven't done any real business for almost five days now. I'm a reformed character.

Officer: Wait, wait… you girls are the Spice Girls? (His face turns to horror as he runs away, screaming.)

Scary: Wow Ginger, how did you think of those words… "reformed character"? Those are really big. What do they mean?

Ginger: Hell if I know. I went through all of Posh's old love letters and that's what that guy who got her pregnant told her about his al-… his al-… damn, I can't think of the word

Posh: Alcoholism! He was drunk when I met him. So what?

Ginger: Of course! How else would Posh get anyone to screw her?

Posh: Why you BITCH!

(They begin fighting, as always. After a couple of minutes Sporty stops them.)

Sporty: Look, we don't have all night. We should go inside and get settled down so I can catch Baywatch!

All: Shut up!

(They proceed to enter the house. The ever-familiar Halloween music can be heard throughout the house.)

Baby: Tee hee hee! Duh!

Scary: You're right Baby, it is kind of scary in here.

Sporty: Well don't worry, I'll protect you guys.

Posh: Will you SHUT UP before I BLOODY RIP YOU APART!?

Sporty: Well I just thought -

Posh: SHUT UP!

(Hours later, they are all settled down in the main bedroom in sleeping bags, and trying to get some sleep. Posh spies Ginger sneaking off to the next room with all the batteries nestled in her arms.)

Posh: Ginger, you slut! You're taking our batteries!

(Ginger laughs cruelly, then disappears into the closet. Soon, there is a familiar humming sound, and Ginger's cries of satisfaction. Seconds later, a scream pierces through the quiet night.)

Posh: That's what you get for stealing other people's batteries.

(All the girls, minus Posh, run to see what is the matter. They see Ginger cowering in the corner of a closet and Michael Myers reaching in, knocking hanger left and right.)

Scary: Oh God no! It's William Shatner!

Posh: Oh, don't worry about it; it's just Ginger's pimp, here to collect his money. Besides, this guy's obviously a much better actor than Shatner ever will be!

(The other girls accept that and go back to bed. The next morning when they awaken, Ginger is already dead, still in the closet.)

Sporty: She must've broken the rules.

Baby: Tee hee hee? Duh?

Scary: What rules?

Sporty: You don't know the RULES? (They all shake their heads.) There are certain rules that one must abide by to successfully survive a horror movie.

Scary: But we're not in a horror movie.

Sporty: Well that's a minute detail that the readers of this story are not supposed to notice… so shut up! Anyway… rule number one: You can never have sex. That's probably why Ginger bit the dust.

(Posh begins to look uncomfortable.)

Sporty: Rule number 2: You cannot drink or do drugs. It's a sin factor, and it's an extension of number 1.

(Scary begins to look uncomfortable.)

Sporty: And rule number 3: Never ever, under any circumstances, say you'll be right back. Because you won't be back.

(Baby continues to grin dumbly.)

Posh: So, if you…break the rules, then…you die?

Sporty: Basically, yes. Boy, am I glad I've never had sex with a man! Aren't you guys glad?

(Posh and Scary look at the floor while Baby keeps on giggling and smiling.)

Scary: I'm going to go get my umm… sleeping pills... yeah, that's it. I'll be right back.

Sporty: All right, just remember the rules.

Scary: I know, I don't want to die.

(Moments after she leaves the room, a blood-curdling scream is heard.)

Posh (confused): I wonder who that could be?

(Suddenly, Michael Myers enters, wiping the blood off of his kitchen knife.)

Posh (squinting in the darkness to see Myers' face): David? David Beckham, is that you? Oh, I knew you'd come back and pay child support!

(With one quick slash of the knife, Posh lays dead.)

Sporty: Wow… that was a good shot mate. But I'm afraid you can't kill me. I haven't broken any rules.

Baby: Tee hee hee! Duh!

(Michael cracks his neck slowly. He begins to go after Baby, who remains still, giggling all the while. He buries the knife deep inside her head.)

Baby: Tee hee hee! Duh!

(Michael looks confused, and attempts to shove the knife deeper inside her head.)

Sporty: Sorry, you can't kill her like that. People have tried. She doesn't have a brain, so you're not hurting her any.

(Michael begins to get angry.)

Sporty: Wait, you're that famed serial killer, Michael Myers, aren't you? So where's your sister? You know, Laurie Strode? She has a great pair of… umm… er… eyes!

(Michael utters his first words ever.)

Michael: Shut… up!

(He picks up an axe conveniently lying up against the wall and chops off Sporty's head. The blood flies everywhere. Baby is the only one left in the room with Michael. She giggles. Michael can't decide what to do. The two stand there, staring at each other for hours. Every couple of minutes, Baby sporadically giggles or says, "Tee hee hee! Duh!" Finally Baby gets tired, so she sits down, on the handle of the axe. This causes the axe to fly up and go into her back, all the way through her chest.)

Baby (weakly): Tee… hee… hee… Du - (blood begins to pour out of her mouth as she falls, dead)

(Michael breathes a sigh of relief as Baby dies. Suddenly, an old, bald man bursts through the door to the bedroom.)

Dr. Sam Loomis: Oh no! I'm too late to save… wait, are those the Spice Girls?

(He looks at Michael, who merely nods.)

Loomis: Hmm… you know, Myers, you may not be so bad after all!

(Michael Myers holds out his arms, and Loomis embraces Michael in a hug.)

Loomis: Oh, Michael! I'm so sorry that I've doubted you all these years. (They begin to walk out of the house.) I take back all of those "infernal spawn of pure evil" comments I've said about you over the years. Oh, and I'm truly sorry for those six rounds I pumped into you a few years back. They did heal, didn't they?

(Michael Myers and Dr. Loomis walk out of the Myers household together, and into the sunset.)


Trademark and copyright 1998, CloudVader Productions. Do not reproduce without giving the author, Cloud Volpe, due credit.

Thanks again to dazednconfused__@hotmail.com, who wrote this and allowed me to revise it slightly! Great work!

Click here to return to Spice Girls Die Violent Deaths.