(Note from the author: For those of you who haven't seen Battle for the Planet of the Apes, go see it before you read this. Most of this is pretty odd to non-planet of the apes fanatics, but if you don't care... read on!)

  vs.   The Planet of the Apes

by Dylan C. & Cloud Volpe

(The scene opens with Ginger Spice riding on horseback, with a rifle in her hand. She stops off at a schoolhouse for gorillas and sits down in one of the seats.)

Abe (A human teacher, talking to the class): Repeat: ape shall never kill ape.

Ape Students: Ape shall never kill ape.

Ginger: Shall ape ever kill Spice Girls?

(The students scream out in an uproar.)

Abe: Quiet Geri! You know you left the Spice world under two conditions. One: you'd stop exposing your body...

(Suddenly the students brake out in an uproar of "ew's," "AAAGH! Nasty!'s," and "Put it on!'s")

Abe: Calm down! Two: you'd never say the words "Spice" or "Girls" in the same sentence.

Ginger: So what? Spice Girls, Spice Girls, Spice Girls.

Abe: NO!

(Suddenly a hush falls over everyone and stocky small ape walks over and whispers in Abe's ear)

Vergil (The stocky ape): You have uttered the word that no human may speak to an ape; it was used in the days of enslavement and Caeser has forbade the speech of that word from a human to an ape. I shall run and speak to Caeser upon your behalf.

Ginger: If I don't get there first!

(All the apes get up and trash the schoolhouse for no real reason, and drag Abe to Caeser.)

Ginger: Kill the humans! Rise above!

(Vergil and Ginger arrive at Caeser's tree house about the same time.)

Caeser: What do you want? Geri! Put Abe down!

(Ginger lets out a few incoherent grunts and reluctantly puts down Abe.)

Caeser: That's a good girl. Now Vergil, what's this ruckus?

Vergil: Abe uttered a double imperative, the phrase that our former masters uttered as a command to threaten when bad behavior was committed.

(Ginger hits Vergil in his arm.)

Ginger: Fuzzy man use big words! Speak English!

Vergil: Abe said "no."

Caeser: Abe, no! Bad human! I'll let it go this time… but next time I'll send you back to the Spice World!

Abe: AAAAAAAAAAGH! Anything but that!

(Abe runs off screaming and ripping out his hair.)

Caeser: Vergil.... What else happened at the schoolhouse?

Vergil: Well… you see....

Ginger (interrupting): Me and other apes went and smashy smashied!

Caeser: Vergil, what did the silicone injected bitch say?

Vergil: The domesticated female quadruped of many implants that suffers from chronic halitosis stated that she ransacked the institution for the education of minors.

Caeser: So the bitch messed up the school?

Vergil: Yes.

(Ginger grunts.)

Caeser: All right, Geri… you're dismissed. Vergil, I wish to speak to you in my quarters.

Ginger (yelling): Hey fanboys, Get a room!

(Ginger and her gorilla cohorts ride off of the scene as Vergil and Caeser go upstairs to the tree house and begin to talk.)

Caeser: I've been wondering Vergil… why exactly did we banish all those humans to the Spice World?

Vergil: Due to the dropping of the bomb, all music was destroyed. Except there was one problem: all the fans of the Spice Girls survived and they cloned those evil vicious grotesque monsters. We didn't want them polluting our pre-pubescent populace like back in the twentieth century, so we sent them away.

Caeser: But I wish to meet them… to see if there are any survivors.

Vergil: Listen, I know the plot of this story is thin but… well, the area's highly radioactive. There's a chance we could run into gigantic creatures with large fangs… or worse, we could run into the Spice clones, and their pre-pubescent worshippers. And that's only half of it.

(All of a sudden Vergil gets a strange look on his face, as if he's attempting to stop himself from saying something.)

Vergil: Ah hell, what am I saying? That area's safer than your own home.

Caeser: Then it's settled! Let's go!

Vergil: Sir! I didn't mean to say that!!!!

Caeser: Oh well!

(They are seen leaving and walking to a small shack they walk away with a wheelbarrow full of heavy artillery. They then walk off into the sunset. After several hours…)

Caeser: Is this it?

Vergil: Fuck no! This is a Shell station!

Caeser: I thought they went out of business.

Vergil: We thought the same thing about the Spice Girls after Ginger left. But no… they put out five more CD's.

Caeser: Say it ain't so!

(Vergil slaps Caeser across the face.)

Vergil: Snap out of it man! You're sounding like a Saturday morning cartoon sidekick!

Caeser: Oh sorry. How much longer until we reach Spice World?

Vergil: Well considering the fact that this is time lapsed, we're on a low budget, and our writer is one of the slowest typists in the world, I'd say....

(All of a sudden, Vergil and Caeser step on a warp tile and are transported in front of a city that's been completely ravaged by radiation and explosions.)

Vergil: About now!

Caeser: Wooooooooooo! That was a hoot!

(Vergil smacks Caeser again.)

Vergil: You're doing it again!

Caeser: Sorry. Shall we investigate?

Vergil: Well, considering there's a multitude of cacophonic noises coming from below... why not? If it blows shit, it's the Spice Girls!

Caeser: Oh! I agree!

(They descend into the realm of Spice World, where they see all of the horrors of the forgotten world.Strangely enough, it looks like the background for the "Spice Up Your Life" music video.)


(Both apes scream in unison. All the motion sensor cameras turn toward them.)

Vergil: OH SHIT!

Caeser: NO DUH!

Vergil: Hey, wait! I'm the intelligent one! Caeser's my moronic lackey… er… at least he should be! Can we redo that?

Writer: NO.

Vergil: FINE!

(They iris out and iris in on the HQ of Spice World. Inside, the four remaining Spice Girls are monitoring them.)

Scary Spice: Two apes on main street are screaming and yelling about that asshole from the home video show.

Sporty Spice: LET ME SEE!!!!

(Sporty leans over, pretending to look at the screen and shoves her hand down the front of Scary's top.)

Sporty: Oh! Yeah! MAIN STREET!

Scary: What the fuck was that? Lousy lesbian whore! Why don't you go find one of Geri's fans? They're lesbians.

Sporty: No thanks… I need a girl who doesn't need a plastic role model

Baby Spice: Tee hee hee! Duh!

Sporty: Holy hell… I did say that out loud didn't I? Oh well, now that my cover's blown…

(Sporty grabs the microphone from Scary.)

Sporty (yelling into the microphone): I AM A LESBIAN! HERE I AM! I'M HERE! I AM QUEER! GET USED TO IT!

Scary: You diff! The mic's not on!

Sporty: Oh damn. Well, back into the closet.

Scary (ignoring her): Commander Posh! We have intruders on main street!

Posh Spice: Sporty put her hand down your shirt again?

Scary: Yeah that skank has got to go, you know?

Sporty: No! One of the top reasons people read these stories is to see if I get some.

Scary: Are you serious? Are you sure they don't read to hear how we die? Or how you and Ginger fight, or to hear Baby say those stupid phrases?

Baby: Tee hee! Duh!

Posh: Well… that too! Whatever happened to Ginger anyway?

Sporty (dreaming): Mmmmm… oh, that was the best woman I ever had.

Posh: Excuse me mister writer! You seem very open with Sporty's homosexuality; it's kind of annoying. If you would kindly stop this! I'm getting sick of this!

Writer: Shut up or I'll force you on her!

Posh & Sporty (simultaneously): Please! Even if I was a lesbian, I wouldn't fuck HER!

Posh: Much better, thank you!

Writer: You're welcome.

Posh (to Sporty): Hey, wait a minute… you just insulted me, didn't you?

Sporty: What about it, you cow?

Posh: Why you deviant whore! I'll kill you!

Sporty: Come get some!

(Posh and Sporty lunge at each other and try to fight in the normal Posh vs. Ginger style, but they stop after getting only a few minor abrasions. Posh looks very disappointed.)

Posh: I'm sorry, Mel. I guess I just miss Ginger a lot. No offense.

Sporty: No problem. Glad to oblige.

Posh: I mean, it's not the same, you know? Ginger never tried to grab me where you just…

Scary: Ahem!

Posh: …Right, back to the intruders! Who are they?

Scary: The orange one looks like my date for the MTV Video Music Awards!

Baby: Tee hee hee! Duh…

Posh: I agree with Baby; the less we bring up about that and those vegetables, the better!

Sporty: Which vegetables? The things they threw, or our dates?

Scary: What do you mean? You didn't have one! You were gone most of the show, with that woman you met on the corner!

Posh: Writer, you're doing it again!

Sporty: well I.. er.. Hey! watch the footage of the thing! I was there the whole time!

(Scary puts in the tape of the MTV Video Music Awards.)

Scary: Well, what do ya know! You were!

Sporty: See?

Baby: Tee hee heeeeee! Duuuuuuuuhhh!

Posh: Oh yeah, the intruders!

Baby: Hey, wait… I remember our creators saying something about being banished to this paradise by a bunch of super intelligent apes! Oops! I mean… uh… tee hee! Duh!

Scary: Oh my god! I just remembered that our creators said something about being banished to this paradise by a bunch of super intelligent apes!

Posh: Me too!

Sporty: Were any of them women?

All: Oh God! Sporty!

Sporty: What? I'm not interested in them sexually… I just wanna know what it's like....

Posh: Writer, think before you type!

Sporty: ... who knows! I mean we're looking for a new member right?

Posh: Good save sir.

Scary: Hey, how come only Posh gets to talk to the writer?

Baby: Duh?

Sporty: Yeah! We wanna talk to the writer!

Writer: Please! We'll do that after your deaths! Now, come on! Get back to the story!

Posh: Alright. Scary, put all Spice Soldiers on full alert!

(All the microphones in the underground city start to blare, "Get the monkeys! Get em'! Get em'!".)

Scary: What if they escape?

Posh: What's that mean?

Scary: Good point… I don't know. They just say it in movies at about this time.

Posh: Oh! Well… um... we'll torture em' and kill the rest of their species.

Scary: Okay, sounds like a good plan.

(Tons of explosions rock the area, but Caeser and Vergil escape, get back to their village, and discover Caeser's son was killed while they were gone.)

Caeser (demanding): How did this happen?

Vergil: How the hell am I supposed to know? I was with you in Spice World, remember?

Caeser: Oh yeah… Ginger, what happened here?

Ginger: Well, your son was spying on us, so we killed him. (Realizing her error, Ginger quickly picks up the script, conveniently lying on a nearby table.) Oh shit!

Caeser: Never before has ape killed ape; now it's time to change that! I, as king, am over the law, correct?

All: Correct

(Caeser runs Geri through with a sword that is, for some reason, in his hand. Then, all of a sudden, four buses came over the hill. The people in the buses are blasting everything to pieces with various firearms.)

Caeser: Oh, for the love of God! They followed us!

Vergil: No shit! Quickly, arm yourselves! The day we never planned for has come!

(All the apes run and hide while Caeser and Vergil are left to fend off the oncoming villains.)

Vergil (charging at the buses): DIE, DIE, DIE!


Vergil: "The hand that wounds"? What the hell does that have to do with the situation at hand?

Caeser: I dunno. I just like it.

Vergil: Oh, okay.

(Explosives are going off and buildings are toppling over as the two opposing forces lock in battle. On one side, an army of pre-pubescent girls and horny teenage boys. On the other side, large, muscular, intelligent apes. Guess which side is winning?)

Caeser: Time to die, sluts!

(He jumps onto the hood of Sporty's bus and shoots everyone inside.)

Sporty (speaking with her last breath of air): WOOF! That was one hot ape! Wait! Did I just… (She begins gagging and choking on her own blood, then falls dead. Her bus speeds into a building and explodes.)

Posh: Thank God! The writer gave Sporty a heterosexual thought before she died. Of course… it was over an ape so I.... aw dammit! That's worse! Lousy pervert!

(Just then, Vergil launches himself onto Posh's bus and sticks a plastic explosive to the windshield.)

Posh: Oh shit! You demented son of a…

(The explosion of her bus cuts off her final curse to the writer of the story.)

Baby: Tee hee! Tee hee hee hee!

(Caeser jumps onto the front of Scary's bus.)

Caeser: Eat lead, you bitch!

Scary: You wish!

Caeser: What the hell is that supposed to... oh well, it doesn't matter.

(Caeser unloads a round of ammunition into Scary.)

Caeser: yeah! eat lead!

Vergil (meeting Caeser in the middle of the battleground): We just have one bus left! Let's blow it to Hell in the same monotonous fashion that we took out the other three buses!

Caeser: We can't!

Vergil: Why not?

Caeser: The writer's on that bus for some weird reason. If we blast him, this story ends here and now!

Vergil: Well, then he shouldn't have chosen to be an extra in this horrible film sequel, huh?

Caeser: Good point!

(Suddenly, a person jumps off the final bus and runs off into the woods prancing and singing "goodbye".)

Vergil: Ok, the writer's off the bus! Blow it up!

(They take turns launching napalm at the bus, laughing as it bursts into flames. Switch to the lone figure walking in the woods. As it nears a patch of light, it is revealed to be… Baby Spice???)

Baby: Too bad they didn't notice I left the bus with you. Just think… all these years, the population of the world thought I was nothing but a ditz! But truth be told, I'm a genius! I wrote this story! I shall be the lone survivor! Tee hee he… I mean… Ha ha ha ha!

(She pushes down the plunger on an explosive that blows away the entire ape village with one mighty burst of flame.)

Baby: Ha ha! I survived! I won! I rule the world! I… wait! Where the hell am I supposed to get food?


Note from Cloud: This is another submission from a fan of the site! Many, many thanks to Dylan C. (betty_the_ripper@hotmail.com) for writing this and sending it in. I had to take the liberty of proofreading it and cutting out a couple lines (and adding a few of my own I might add), but this is almost entirely his brainchild! Hope you enjoyed it!

Trademark and copyright 1999, CloudVader Productions. Do not reproduce without giving the authors, Cloud Volpe and Dylan C., due credit.

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