Note from Cloud: Thanks to my good buddy Phillip for this story!

  vs.   Sailor Moon

by Phillip M. Dixon

(The Spice Bus is driving through a bustling city in Japan, delivering the Spice Girls to a performance.)

Scary: Do you think the people here will be less violent once we get on stage?

Ginger: I dunno, most of them won't understand what we're singing, I hope they can still enjoy our talent.

(The bus driver goes into a coughing fit.)

Baby: Tee hee hee! Tee hee, duh?

Scary: Yeah, I've heard a lot of rumors about weird monsters attacking people around here too. It's probably just local folklore.

(The other Spice Girls look at Scary with dull expressions.)

Scary: Oh, that. I heard it in a movie once.

Others: Oh. OK!

(Meanwhile, in Queen Beryl's throne room, Jedite, Malachite, Nephrite, and Zoicite are kneeling before their evil ruler.)

Beryl: Idiots! Imbeciles! Why do I even tolerate you fools, let alone give you access to the power of the Negaverse?!

All: Yes your majesty.

(Beryl pauses, absorbed in waving her hands over her crystal ball. She then blinks and refocuses on her lackeys.)

Beryl: You fools are constantly being defeated by those skanky sailor scouts! You are a disgrace to the Negaverse, but I will give you one last chance to gather for us much needed energy, and to rid me of those sailor pests once and for all!

All: Thank you my queen.

Beryl: (Glaring red-faced at her cohorts.) Don't interrupt me!

(The assembled 4 open their mouths, then abruptly close them.)

Beryl: That's better. Now, listen carefully, you will all be working together on this one, and you will not let petty rivalries serve as a plot device for those sailor brats to defeat you either!

Zoicite: And what should we do about the sailor scout's friend, Tuxedo Mask?

(Beryl smiles wickedly, a small stream of drool escaping the corner of her mouth.)

Beryl: Do not harm him, leave that one to me.

Nephrite: But your majesty, he has proven to be a problem in the pa..

(Nephrite is cut off as Beryl fry's him with black energy bolts. Only ashes remain.)

Beryl: Any other insubordinates? Good. Now then, there is going to be a concert held soon, and hundreds of silly human teenagers will be there to worship their entertainment idols: The Spice Girls. I want you to gather all of these humans' energy, and then destroy the Spice Girls!

All: Yes, my Queen.

Beryl: Soon, very soon, the airwaves will no longer be polluted by those pitiful excuses for so-called musicians! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!

(At the local high school, the sailor scouts, unrecognizable in their secret identities are chatting as they walk between classes.)

Sarina: Did you hear about that concert this afternoon? I just loooove live concerts. Maybe Darien will go with me!

Ray: Dream on Sarina. I already asked him and he's going with me!

Sarina: You lying bitch! Darien would never betray me for a cow like you!

Ray: You diluted slut! What makes you think he was ever interested in you?!

Sarina: Why!

(Ray and Sarina lunge for each other, and a white teardrop appears on the back of the other girls head's as the two struggle amidst a cloud of smoke, until Lita breaks them up.)

Sarina: No fair! You bit and kicked! WAAAAHHHH!

Ray: You always were a little wimp, you worthless brat!

(Sarina lets out an impossibly huge stream of tears and continues to wail.)

Ami: Stop whining Sarina, we have to consider this very carefully. The Negaverse could make a move on this concert!

Mina: Huh? Um.....

Lita: Mina's right, why do you always suspect everything will involve the Negaverse Ami? I'm getting sick and tired of you always raining on our parade!

Ray: Yeah, Lita's right! Lighten up, you nerd!

Ami: Look, every time we go somewhere or do something it does involve the Negaverse, you twit!

Ray: Ooh! I'm really scared Ami. What're ya gonna do? Hit me with some bubbles?!

Ami: (turning away in disgust) Hmph!

(The bell rings. All of the other students begin filing into their respective classes. Sarina abruptly sobers up and clenches her fist determinately.)

Sarina: Well I say we go to the concert hall now and check it out! That's the only way to be sure that no nega-sleeze will interrupt the performance!

Ami: B... but we can't just leave school in the middle of class!

Ray: (On top of Ami) Oh yeah, right Sarina, I'm so sure you feel really responsible for people's safety and you aren't just trying to get out of class.

Sarina: (Glaring at ray) I'm the leader and I say we go there to check it out! (Sarina stalks away, muttering "bitch" under her breath.)

(The other sailor scouts shrug and follow, all except for Ami who has to be dragged along forcibly by Lita. They soon arrive at the concert hall where the Spice Girls are gearing up for their first performance.)

Sporty: (peering through the curtains) Wow, the place is packed. I haven't seen that in a while! We've got to do these international tours more often.

Posh: Are you kidding?! The batteries they sell in these weirdo countries never fit, and the...

Ginger: (Looking a little panicked) What! How many do we have left?!?

Scary: Nevermind that right now, we have a concert to do.

(Posh and Ginger glare at each other, both thinking greedily of the battery stash back in the van. Soon the curtains open and the Spice Girls begin their performance in front of hundreds of cheering teens. Within moments white teardrops appear on the back of everyone's heads and they begin shouting and booing.)

Malachite: (concealed above the rafters) Well, it's not the reaction we were hoping for, but they sure are whipping up a lot of energy.

Jedite: Right, I'll take care of it!

(Jedite holds out his hand, black tendrils of power swirling around the concert hall as the "fans" are drained of their vitality.)

Sporty: Oh not again! They're all falling asleep!

Baby: Tee hee?

Ginger: Baby's right, where did all that weird smoke come from? We didn't have enough money for any special effects after this bimbo (gesturing towards Posh) bought all those Gucci dresses from the Sky Mall catalog.

Posh: Lying whore! It was all the money you spent on those battery rechargers, which burnt out in a week!

Ginger: So it was YOU!

(Ginger lunges for Posh, and a fight ensues. Meanwhile, the sailor scouts show up and after taking in the scene begin their transformation sequence. By the time they are finished Scary has broken up the fight between Ginger and Posh, and the 3 Negaverse warriors have descended to take on all 10 women.)

Malachite: You won't escape from us this time Sailor Moon!

Sailor Moon: Ha! I am Sailor Moon, the champion of justice! And in the name of...

Sailor Mars: Oh, give it a rest Sarina. That doesn't help!

Sailor Moon: How DARE you!? (As Sailor Moon whips around to shout at Mars, her tremendously long hair, via centrifugal force, wraps around her head and temporarily incapacitates her.)

Sporty: WOW! Those sailor outfits are hot! Just look at how they show off those girls' legs.

(The other Spice Girls stare at her in astonished disgust.)

Sporty: I should wear outfits like that! Yeah!

Others: Shut up!

Sailor Jupiter: You're outnumbered nega-trash. Give it up!

Zoicite: She's right. Hmm.... (Zoicite pulls out a small black crystal and points it at the Spice Girls. All five women are engulfed in a cocoon of black energy that soon dissipates, leaving behind evil and sadistic looking versions of the Spice Girls.)

Sailor Moon: (After escaping her hair with help from Sailor Mercury) Hey! What did you do to them?!

Sailor Mars: They look even sluttier than before, if that's possible.

Zoicite: Let me introduce you to our dark champions: The Spice Force Five!

Spice Force Five: Girl Power!!!

Dark Baby: (Shrieking) Tee hee heeeeeeee!

(In second the Spice Force Five has crossed the concert hall and engages the sailor scouts in a vicious and brutal melee. Only Sailor Jupiter seems to be doing OK.)

Sailor Venus: Errrr...aack!

Sailor Mercury: I know, Sailor Venus! We've never had to physically fight anyone before. We're in trouble!

(Suddenly a red rose comes out of nowhere and slams into Dark Scary's head, piercing her from temple to temple. She drops to the ground and lets out a gurgle before reverting to her normal form and dying.)

Jedite: Huh?

Malachite: What?!

Zoicite: Oh, not again!

(Everyone stops and stares to a conveniently dark corner of the room. Sailor Moon's face lights up.)

Sailor Moon: Tuxedo Mask!

Tuxedo: (After his intro music is done playing) Don't worry Sailor Moon. Good will always triumph!

(He then leaps away through a convenient hole in the ceiling.)

Sailor Moon: DAMMIT!!!!!

Sailor Mercury: (Taking advantage of the distraction) "Mercury bubbles.....blast!"

(All of the Dark Spice Girls are confused and disoriented by the light fog that envelops them. Sailor Mars smacks Sailor Moon upside the head to get her attention away from the hole Tuxedo Mask disappeared from.)

Sailor Mars: Get with the program meatball head!

Sailor Moon: Why are you always such a mean bitch!? Oh, all right already! (Sailor Moon brandishes her crescent wand.) "Moon healing activation!"

(Glowing balls of yellow energy race out to strike the Dark Spice girls, who immediately transform back into their "normal" selves.)

Posh: Wha..what happened? AAACCCKKK!!! My nails! They're all bloody and broken!

Ginger: (After being disengaged from battling Sailor Jupiter.) My new dress! It's been shredded!

(Posh and Ginger immediately lock gazes and assume the usual. Both curse at each other loudly as they lunge forth and attempt to claw each other's eyes out. Meanwhile, Sailor Jupiter still hasn't recovered from her battle lust.)

Sailor Jupiter: (Glaring at Ginger and Posh) "Jupiter...thunder...crash!"

(A huge bolt of lightning streaks down from the sky, smashes through the roof, and vaporizes Posh and Ginger. Jupiter then recovers and realizes what she has done.)

Sailor Jupiter: Oh, um... oops. Sorry!

Baby: Tee hee hee hee hee!

Sporty: Those babes have real girl power! Maybe I should join their group instead.... not that I have much choice now.

Malachite: Shit! Now we have to do our own dirty work! (He then pulls out two laser boomerangs and throws them at Sailor Moon.)

Sailor Moon: (Running around frantically trying to evade being torn to ribbons) Woooaaaa! Somebody help me out here!

(Mars and Jupiter both take on Jedite, while Mercury makes a call on her communicator.)

Sailor Venus: (Pointing to Zoicite) "Venus crescent beam....smash!"

(Zoicite calmly pulls out a compact and deflects the beam of energy into Baby's skull. Her head explodes, leaving her body standing for a few seconds, its shoulders silently shaking in untold mirth. Then it falls over.)

Venus: (Shamefaced) Ooooohhh...

(Sporty looks on from behind a column. Against her better judgement to leave and live tell about it she stays, mesmerized by the sailor scouts. Jedite soon spots her and takes her hostage.)

Jedite: Ha! Don't come any closer, or this one's history.

Sailor Mars: (Shrugging)!!

(A large gout of flame engulfs Jedite and Sporty. Nothing remains.)

Mars: Yeah! that'll teach her to eye my legs like that!

(Just as Sailor Moon is about to be impaled, two cats with crescent moons on their foreheads jump out of nowhere and grab the two laser boomerangs from the air. Mercury closes her communicator and smiles smugly.)

Sailor Moon: (To the black cat) Thanks Luna!

Artemis: Ahem!

Sailor Moon: I don't know what I'd do without you Luna, now it's time to finish this!

Artemis: grrr...

(The sailor scouts surround Malachite and Zoicite.)

Malachite: Ha! we've gathered the energy we need, and the Spice Girls are terminated. Let's get out of here honey.

Zoicite: Til we meet again, sailor brats!

(Both warriors disappear into a black portal, the sailor scouts too slow to try to stop them.)

Sailor Moon: Yaaay! we won!

Mercury: But what about those poor ladies we killed?

Sailor Moon: Um... er... casualties! Casualties of the war against the Negaverse!

Jupiter: Well, we did smash them, but we didn't really win, did we?

Sailor Moon: Oh come on, I've got a life outside of this sailor business anyway. Who cares about a few minor setbacks? I still have lots of comic book material to read up on.

Mars: Oh no you don't! You aren't getting into my comic book stash anymore!

Sailor Moon: Ha! See ya back at the temple Ray...

Mars: (Chasing after Sarina) Get back here meatball head!!!


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