Note: I really have to apologize, but unless you've read Neil Gaiman's "Sandman" comic book, this story might not make a lot of sense (but hey, if you hate the Spice Girls, you'll appreciate it nonetheless). If you have read "Sandman" before, I salute you. If not, I urge you to do everything you can to read this wonderful comic book series. Every award-winning issue is available from DC Comics in an affordably priced trade paperback. The stories are brilliant, the characters outstanding, and the plots often surreal and wonderful. It is, in my humble opinion, one of the best works of literature in recent years. Now, without further delay, here is...

  vs.   The Sandman

by Cloud Volpe

(The Spice Girls are all sitting at a table in a hotel room. They have just returned from a concert and are resting before heading to bed. Ginger Spice and Posh Spice are engaged in a game of chess while the other three girls watch.)

Scary Spice: This is amazing! I had no idea either of you could play chess!

Baby Spice: Tee hee! Duh!

Sporty Spice: Yeah, it seems so… complicated.

Ginger Spice: Well, actually, I'm the only one who knows how to play. The only reason I'm playing Posh is because I feel like winning for a change.

Posh Spice: You conniving bitch! You're using me for an easy feeling of self-gratification?!

Ginger: Huh?

Posh (sighing): You're using my lack of talent so you can feel better about yourself?

Ginger: Oh. (pause) Damn right I am!

Posh: Why, I oughta…

Ginger: Just shut the hell up and move a damned piece.

Posh: Oh, fine. (She moves a pawn one space forward.)

Ginger (moving her own piece): Check!

Posh: What do you mean "check"? I've paid all my bills with credit cards!

Ginger: No, you dumb slut, I mean check; my bishop's got your king!

Posh: Where?

Ginger: There! (She points to the pieces on the chessboard.) You've either got to move it in front, or move it out of the way.

Posh (thinking): No, I think I'd rather move this horse from here to there.

Ginger: What? You can't do that, you stupid whore!

Posh: Oh yeah, says who, trailer trash?

Ginger: Says Mr. Chess! The rules were invented thousands of years ago!

Posh: Mr. Chess? Who is that? The ugly bastard who paid you for sex last night?

Ginger: He's the man who invented chess, you idiot! Has all that silicone gone to your brain?

Posh: Brain? (She stops to think for a second.) Well, anyway… I'm going to set this horse free to roam amongst the squares on the board.

Ginger: Oh yeah? Well, I'm going to set my fist free to roam amongst your ugly face!

(Ginger lunges at Posh with an evil look in her eyes. As the blood begins flying, the other Spice Girls break up the fight.)

Scary: Stop it! We can't have a repeat of the last time you two fought! The plastic surgery bill alone cut into our concert budget!

Sporty: Hey guys! Look!

(The other Spice Girls look at Sporty, who is pointing at a thin, tall, extremely pale man with jet-black hair. Perched on the shoulder of his dark jacket is a raven.)

Dream: Greetings, women of no talent. I am Dream of the Endless, and this is my raven, Matthew.

Matthew: Boss, this is what they let into the music industry nowadays? Damn, I'm glad I died when I did so I wouldn't have to put up with these skanks on the radio!

Dream: Quiet Matthew. (He addresses the Spice Girls.) It is unfortunate that I have to arrive here tonight, but I can assure you that my presence is required. You see, one of you is causing a vortex…

Scary: Vortex?

Posh: What's that?

Dream: It is something that can cause great catastrophe if not contained. I must eliminate the source before such a cataclysm occurs.

(The Spice Girls simply gaze at Dream with blank stares.)

Ginger: Um, I'm sorry, but do you speak English?

Dream (looking perturbed): It means that I have to kill one of you before bad things happen!

Spice Girls: Oh.

(Suddenly, despite their infinite stupidity, they understand what Dream is saying.)

Spice Girls: Oh!!!

Sporty: But you can't do that! We're a group of five! If you were to kill one of us, it would be just as if Ginger were to, say, leave the group over creative differences!

Ginger: Yeah!

Dream: Ah, the one with artificial red hair and even more artificial breasts is Ginger?

Posh: Yes!

Ginger: Hey!

Dream: Then, I am sorry, but you are the one who must go.

Ginger: But I…

Posh (pushing Ginger directly into Dream's arms): Then here, take the worthless piece of crap!

Dream: Thank you. (He looks at Ginger, who disappears in a bright flash of light.)

Matthew: Hey, now I remember! I saw her in a girly magazine lots of times! Ah, those were the days… back when I had a schlong…

Dream: Silence, Matthew! (Dream is silent for a few seconds.) Hmm… it seems that I was in error… she was not the vortex after all. It was really the person in the room next door all along! I must stop eating Delirium's cooking before I stop a vortex! (He looks at the Spice Girls.) I am sorry… if you will excuse me for a second?

(Dream disappears, leaving Matthew flying around the room, trying desperately to get a peek down the girls' tops.)

Matthew: Come on, girls, I've been dead a while now… give me a little something to make this visit a little more enjoyable!

Scary: Piss off, bird!

Matthew (under his breath): Jeez… they dress like ten-cent hookers but won't show anything… well, at least the dead one showed everything she had in those magazines…

(There is an audible scream from the next room. Following the scream, Dream comes back into the room.)

Dream: Hmm… this is most puzzling… the woman I killed in that room was not a vortex either. I have never been wrong this often before.

Matthew: Hey boss, where exactly were you last night?

Dream: Why, I was having my centennial meeting of alcohol consumption with my acquaintance Hob. (He realizes something.) Oh, I see. Perhaps I should refrain from so much liquor in the future.

Matthew: Yeah, nothing worse than a drunk Endless.

Dream: Which reminds me, my sister will be here shortly, and will no doubt be upset with me, so I must be away to my realm. You four may visit my realm freely if you like, as recompense for killing your friend.

Posh: Friend? Ha!

Sporty: Shut up… we're getting a free ride to another dimension or something!

Scary: Sure, we'll come with you.

Dream: Very well. All you have to do is fall asleep, and I will be awaiting you. (He disappears.)

Scary: Wow. That was cool!

Baby: Tee hee hee!

Posh: Well, let's get some sleep, then. I want to see what kind of plastic surgeons they have over there.

(The Spice Girls each move to their respective beds.)

Sporty: Hey Posh! Can I sleep in your bed with you?

Posh: Oh, of course! You're probably sad that Ginger went and got killed.

Sporty: No, not really.

Posh: Oh, then you must be scared about going to that guy's realm, right?

Sporty: Nope. Looking forward to it, actually.

Posh: Er… your bed is dirty?

Sporty: No, it's not that either. (She smiles.)

Posh (finally taking Sporty's proposal in): Why you sick little bitch! Get away from me!

Sporty (saddened): Oh, fine. Hmph.

(Within minutes, the remaining four Spice Girls are asleep, each having their own separate dream. Baby's dream involves her finally being able to say something intelligent. Posh's dream involves a mall the size of New York City. Scary dreams about what part of her body she should pierce next. Sporty… well… Sporty sees Carmen Electra quite often in her dream. Soon, all the dreams dissolve, and the four find themselves standing before the gate to a castle. A gryphon, a hippogriff, and a wyvern guard it.)

Wyvern: Stop right there! Who are you?

Scary: We're the Spice Girls!

Sporty: We were told that we were welcome here.

Hippogriff: Oh, yeah. The master mentioned four extremely unattractive women showing up for some reason.

Gryphon: Very well, you may pass. But be warned; you must not stray from the pa… (Suddenly, the dragon's tail has whacked the griffin in the head, interrupting him.)

Wyvern: What he meant to say was that you should stray from the path! By all means! Please stray!

Posh: Oh, all right, then.

(The Spice Girls walk through the entrance to the castle, while the three guardians are snickering to each other. The girls walk for quite a while until they come across a vast library.)

Posh: Oh my! What do you suppose all these bindings of paper are?

Scary: They're books, you dumb shit! Haven't you ever seen a book before?

Posh: Come to think of it…

(A very tall man with glasses and pointy hair stands behind the girls. He is Lucien, the librarian.)

Lucien: Ahem! May I help you?

Sporty: Yeah, we were looking for the guy who invited us here… tall, pale, dark hair…

Lucien: Oh, the master. He is a bit busy at the moment. Isn't there anything else I can help you with?

Baby: Tee hee?

Scary: Yes, Baby wants to know where your Dr. Seuss books are. But not the really long ones with the big words.

Lucien: You are in a library filled with every book never written, filled with some of the greatest ideas that never were, and you want Dr. Seuss?!

Baby: Tee hee!

Lucien (sighing): Very well… Dr. Seuss is over in that wing… the books are directly next to several very amusing short stories about your deaths.

Scary: Thanks! Let's go girls.

(The Spice Girls walk towards the wing that Lucien directed them to, only to find a large amount of remodeling and reconstruction blocking the hallway. A man with a pumpkin for a head is barking orders at someone fixing a chandelier on the ceiling.)

Mervyn Pumpkinhead: No, you moron! I told you to move it to th' left! The left! (He switches his attention to the four women standing before him. A broad smile surrounds his face.) Ladies! Hello! (He charmingly strolls over to Posh and lifts her hand to kiss it.) Hey babe, have you ever eaten pumpkin before?

Posh: Why, no, I haven't!

Mervyn: Well, how would you like to eat a pumpkin tonight, if you know what I mean?

Posh (grimacing): Oh, hell no! Get away from me, you sick lunatic!

Mervyn: Lunatic? Why you dirty little… (He starts glancing around the hallway.) That does it… this is the last time someone rejects me with that pickup line… now, where did I put that gun… the one I keep in case those three Furies ever show up here… (He walks away cursing the Spice Girls under his breath and searching for his gun.)

Sporty: Does anyone else think we should get out of here before he finds the gun?

Spice Girls: Yes!

(They run out of the library quickly, and run down a twisting hallway. They burst through the doors at the end of the hallway, only to find the six Endless having a discussion in Dream's dining hall.)

Despair: And I say Art Garfunkel was the more talented of the two! (She slams her fist on the table for effect.)

Desire: Are you insane, my twin? Simon obviously had more… (S/he stops speaking.)

(All of the Endless turn to stare at the Spice Girls, who have burst in upon this most secretive and sacred meeting.)

Dream (recognizing the Spice Girls): You! You are not allowed into this room! We are discussing… very important matters!

Desire: So, Dream, are these nightmares of yours?

Destiny: Far worse my brother/sister. They are a musical group whose success baffles even my mind.

Death: Hey! I've met you girls dozens of times before!

Desire: That is unimportant. (S/he stands up to leave.) Now, if our discussion is concluded, I must be going. I promised a woman named "k.d." who looked exactly like me that I would go to see her sing. (Desire disappears.)

Despair: Right. And I must return to my own realm where someone named William Clinton is waiting to give some sort of testimony. (She leaves as well.)

Dream: You women are very evil. You have just broken up a very rare occasion by barging into this room. What do you have to say for yourselves?

Scary: We're very, very sor…

Posh (interrupting): Oh my God! (She glances around the room.) Who decorated this place? It looks like shit!

Sporty: Hey! We have a new joke that we told on Leno the other night! Wanna hear? (Silence.) Ok, well, here goes… What's the difference between Indian curry powder and the Spice Girls? (Silence.) The curry powder has Ginger in it! Get it? Ha ha ha ha ha! (Dead silence.)

Dream (getting angry): That is enough! I am sending you back to your own world!

Death (suddenly standing up): Er… that might not be such a good idea, little brother.

Dream: Explain, sister.

Death: It looks like they're dead in that world.

Dream: What? How?

(Matthew comes flying into the room. He lands on Dream's shoulder.)

Matthew: Boss, you wouldn't believe it! I was flying around that hotel we were at before, when all of a sudden it burst into flames! I saw those Spice Bitches get fried like pork chops inside, while they were asleep.

Dream: Most peculiar, Matthew. Did you happen to see how the building caught fire?

Matthew: Yeah. All these brilliantly colored butterflies went flying into the building from out of nowhere and just exploded!

(At the mention of butterflies, Dream, Matthew, and Death all turn to stare at Delirium, who is sitting quietly in the corner of the room making brightly colored butterflies that she is sending to be free in our world.)

Dream: Sister! Is this your fault?

Delirium: mY fAuLt┐ YeAh I gUeSs It SoRtA iS bUt I lIkE bUtTeRfLiEs. (She looks at the Spice Girls.) DoN't YoU lIkE bUtTeRfLiEs UgLy GiRlS┐ i HaTe It WhEn StUfF iS mY fAuLt. I sHoUlD vIsIt ThAt FaUlT iN tHaT bIg StAtE sOmEdAy 'CaUsE i BeT tHaT's No OnE's FaUlt. (She resumes making butterflies with her hands.)

Death: Well, Delirium did it, I guess… looks like it's more work for me… (She stands up to escort the Spice Girls away.) Well, gals, it looks like you can't stay in the Dreaming anymore. You're all off to your afterlife.

Scary: Damn, not again.

Posh: So, what exactly is the afterlife like?

Death (leading the Spice Girls to the eternal ever after): Oh, I can't tell you that. All I do is escort you there. After that, I…

Sporty (to Death): Say, are you single?

Death (under her breath): Oh, I hope you go straight to Hell… boy do I hope you go straight to Hell.


Trademark and copyright 1998, CloudVader Productions. Do not reproduce without giving the author, Cloud Volpe, due credit.

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