It's a mystery how we got so famous !   vs.    Scooby--Dooby--DIE !!!

(It is a dreary day in the city of Potville, Oklahoma, and the Mystery Machine is moving along the road at top speed. Inside, the entire Scooby Doo gang is chatting.)

Shaggy: So, like, why do you think they call this place Potville?

Scooby Doo: Ri ron't row…

Fred: Oh no you don't, Shaggy! Don't even think about it!

Shaggy: Like, huh?

Velma: Yeah, Fred's right, stoner! The last thing you need is another drug in your system. Your last rehab cleaned out our crime-solving funds!

Fred (eyeing up Daphne): So, Daphne… how about I let you handle the gearshift later… if you know what I mean.

Daphne: Oh, Fred, I'd love to… handle… your gears any time!

Shaggy: Well, like, I'm going to turn on the radio now you guys… maybe there's a good, like, Steve Miller or Grateful Dead song on…

Scooby Doo: Reah! Raterul read!

(Shaggy leans into the front between Daphne and Fred and flips the switch that turns on the radio. All of the stations are dead static except for one.)

Shaggy: Well guys, like, it looks like this is the only station around here! I wonder what kind of music they play?

(Suddenly, a medley of Spice Girls songs blasts from the speakers. Scooby holds his ears in terror, while the rest of the gang becomes increasingly frightened.)

Daphne: Oh Fred! It's awful! Who on Earth would want to slam it to the left then move it to the right?

Fred: We must be in a dangerous region of the country gang. These people obviously have no taste at all!

Radio Voice: And that was just about every Spice Girls song ever recorded, compacted into a three minute medley, since they all sound the same anyway. You're listening to W-SPC, formerly W-NKOTB. As you may already know, the Spice Girls will be in concert here in a couple days.

Scooby Doo: Rikes!

Shaggy: Zoiks! These people actually perform live?

Velma: I don't know… they may be a group of five very attractive, very sexy women. Er… not that I'm gay or anything! (The entire group is looking at Velma questioningly.) What? What did I say?

Fred: Never mind… we have to get some sleep soon. The sun's going down in a few minutes, and we need to find a hotel.

Daphne: Oh Fred! I don't want to spend an entire night in the ass-backwards shit town!

Fred: Relax Daphne. You can sleep in my bed if it makes you feel better.

Daphne (smiling): Oh, you'd give up your bed for me?

Fred: Give up?

Shaggy: Hey guys, there's a hotel over there! (He points out the window.)

Fred: Ok, guys. We'll pull in there and get a couple rooms.

Shaggy: Good, because I'm, like, starving!

Scooby Doo: Reah! Re too!

Velma (under her breath): Wow, Shaggy has the munchies… I think that's a big fucking surprise.

Shaggy: What did you, like, say Velma?

Velma (not expecting Shaggy to have heard her): Oh, um, I said… um… "Wow, Lilly from the Munsters… I'd like to stick my head between her thighs!" (The entire gang is staring at Velma in utter disbelief. Velma, realizing what she said, smacks herself in the head.) God damn it!

(The Mystery Machine pulls into the hotel parking lot. What they don't notice, however, is that a large bus painted to look like a Union Jack is parked only a few spaces away. Inside the hotel, the Spice Girls are busily checking in at the front desk.)

Scary Spice: Do you think we lost that lynch mob from Texas that was following us?

Ginger Spice: That was a lynch mob? It looked like a bunch of disgruntled parents to me!

Sporty Spice: Yeah, I've heard Hanson has rioting, angry parents follow them around, ready to kick the shit out of them.

Baby Spice: Tee hee!

Posh Spice: Yeah, Baby's right. Hanson is a joke to the music industry!

Hotel Desk Clerk (under his breath): Yeah, like you five are Billy Joels to the music industry.

Scary: Huh?

Hotel Desk Clerk: Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I was just insulting you under my breath, insinuating that you are a bigger joke than any other musicians. And I use the term "musicians" loosely.

Scary (after a long pause): Oh. Ok

Sporty: Well, in any case, this city should provide a good crowd for our concert. I hear they have a radio station that plays our music constantly.

Posh: Oh, is that W-SPC? I've heard they sometimes get two, maybe three listeners per day!

Ginger: Wow, if half of those people came to our show, we'd make more than our last four concerts combined!

Hotel Desk Clerk: Well, if you five are done wasting my time, I have your keys. I'm afraid there aren't many rooms left, so I've had to put two of you in the same room. (He hands keys to Scary, Baby, and Sporty, then gives Ginger and Posh the same key.)

Ginger: Oh, you have to be kidding.

Posh: Come on, it won't be that bad. We can be civil for a night, can't we?

Ginger: Yeah, I guess you're right… as long as you stop using my tampons and then putting them back into the box!

Posh: Well, as long as you stop borrowing my clothes and then tearing them with your fat ass, I'm fine.

Ginger: Oh yeah? Well, you can stop using my toothbrush to comb your hair, bitch!

Posh: And don't even think of wearing my shoes again after the piss stains you left on them last time, whore!

Ginger: Bitch!

Posh: Slut!

(Both girls lunge at each other with a newfound fury, rooted by their disdain for one another. By the time Scary manages to separate the two of them, they are covered in deep cuts, scratches, and bruises.)

Scary: You two make me sick! Look at yourselves! You both look like you're dead! Now, both of you go to the kitchen and clean yourselves up!

Ginger & Posh (under their breaths, while walking away): Bitch!

(The three unscathed Spice Girls walk up the stairs to their rooms, while the other two trudge towards the kitchen. As they all leave the lobby, the Scooby Doo gang walks through the hotel doors.)

Shaggy: Like, once we get our rooms registered, just point me in the direction of that kitchen!

Fred: Christ, will you relax? Just eat the damn dog's snacks!

Scooby Doo: Rog's racks? Grrrrrrrrr…

Shaggy: Like, I may be baked, but I'm not baked enough to eat dog food!

Daphne (to the hotel clerk): Yes, we'd like three rooms, please.

Hotel Desk Clerk: Only three? What, are you into orgies or something?

(Fred, Daphne, and Scooby Doo nervously look at each other, then blush.)

Daphne: Um, just give us three rooms, please.

Hotel Desk Clerk: Of course. You know, you five are the only guests besides those horrid Spice Girls. But I told them we were nearly full so I could get the two hot ones to…

Scooby Doo: Rice Rirls!?!?

Fred: The same Spice Girls on the radio?

Hotel Desk Clerk: Unfortunately.

Velma: Are they hot?

All: Shut up!

Velma: What?

Fred: Ok, guys. We have to be extra careful around here. I have a feeling those Spice Girls aren't everything they seem to be.

Shaggy: Yeah, Spice Girls, whatever. Just, like, point me and Scooby to the kitchen!

Hotel Desk Clerk: It's over there, you crack fiend. (He points to the kitchen.)

Shaggy: Like, let's go Scoob!

(Shaggy and Scooby Doo make a mad dash for the kitchen while Fred and Daphne walk arm-in-arm up the stairs. Velma follows behind, trying desperately to get a peek up Daphne's skirt. In the meantime, Shaggy and Scooby burst through the kitchen doors. The kitchen itself is dark.)

Scooby Doo: Rit's rark!

Shaggy: Yeah, Scoob, it's dark and scary, but, like, I'm too hungry to care.

Scooby Doo: Rou smoke roo much rot!

(As shaggy is about to protest, there are shouts from the other end of the kitchen.)

Voice #1: You filthy whore! Take that back!

Voice #2: What's the matter? The truth hurts, bitch?

(Metal pots and pans start clanging and smashing against things. Shaggy grabs a handy flashlight and shines it in the direction of the shouts. The light shines on Posh and Ginger, who are, of course, the only other people in the kitchen. In the dim light of the flashlight, Shaggy and Scooby see both women covered with cuts, bruises, scars, blood, and lumps. They look like zombies. Scooby Doo jumps into Shaggy's arms, and the pair begins to quiver uncontrollably.)

Shaggy: Uh, like, Scoob? Did you see that?

Scooby Doo: Ru huh!

Shaggy: Zoinks! Let's get out of here!

(Shaggy and Scooby dash out of the kitchen at lightning speed. They run up the stairs and quickly search for Fred's room. The finally find it and run through the door.)

Daphne (lying on Fred's side): Oh Fred, that was fantastic! An entire forty seconds this time!

Velma (lying on Fred's other side): I'll never again doubt the power of… (she sees Shaggy and Scooby Doo) Eek!

Fred (sitting up and pulling the cigarette out of his mouth): Hey, what are you guys doing in here? We were… um… busy doing research! You could have disturbed the… learning process!

Shaggy: Like, there's a couple of ghouls downstairs that look exactly like those Spice Girls!

Velma: Were they…

Fred (to Velma): Shut up!

Velma: Hmph. Fine.

Fred: So, this proves it! The Spice Girls must be undead creatures of pure evil with mind control powers! It explains why they have legions of ravenous fans who don't know any better!

Daphne: Well, actually, I was thinking that maybe they were simply five women contracted to act in a trendy, stereotypical manner to make money for a heartless record company and that the state in which Shaggy saw them was caused by a fight extending from friction between two members of the group.

Fred (after a long pause): …Yeah, well you're wrong and I'm right, bitch.

Daphne: Oh, sorry Fred.

Shaggy: Why don't we call the police this time?

Scooby Doo: Reah!

Fred: You pothead! We're wanted vigilantes in five states! No, we have to capture them ourselves.

Shaggy: How are we going to do that?

Fred: I have an idea…

(Later, the Spice Girls, all convened in one room, get a knock on their door.)

Scary: Who the heck could that be?

Ginger: Maybe it's another letter bomb?

Sporty: It could be the prostitu… um… never mind.

(Scary opens the door. On the floor in front of the door is a shiny paper clip.)

Baby (ecstatic): Tee hee hee hee hee hee hee!

Posh: Oh no! Baby's being mesmerized by a shiny object again!

(Baby jumps from her chair and dashes to the door. She stares in retarded wonder at the shiny new paper clip on the floor. Then, something catches her eye. Down the hallway, there is a trail of bright, shiny paper clips. Baby's drooling smile grows even wider as she merrily dashes down the hallway following the trail of attractive shiny objects.)

Ginger: After her! The last time she went out of control and chased after shiny objects, people died!

(The other Spice Girls leap from their chairs and run after Baby, who has a good head start. The trail soon leads to a large, empty room in the hotel. There are five net snares set up in the room. Baby is trapped in one of them, holding a box of shiny paper clips.)

Sporty: Oh no! Baby got lured into that net by someone who used paper clips as bait!

(The other four snares are baited with various objects. One has a rock of solid crack, another has a piece of flashy costume jewelry, the third has a vibrator, and the last has a copy of the latest issue of Penthouse.)

Posh: Well, if the paper clips were Baby's bait, we'd better be careful with the other nets.

Scary: Yes, we must resist the urge to touch the other nets, using all of our brains and intelligence.

(Within three seconds, all of them are trapped in nets. Scary is holding her rock of crack, Posh is cursing loudly because the diamonds aren't real, Sporty is trying to pretend she's reading the articles, and Ginger is chipping her teeth on the vibrator. The Scooby Doo gang walks into the room.)

Fred: I knew my plan would work!

Daphne: How did you know, Fred? Was it logical deduction? Clever reasoning? An eye for minor details?

Fred: No, I just looked at the insert in their CD. Pretty much summed up their entire personalities with one picture.

Velma: Eh, they're not so hot.

Shaggy: So, like, now what do we do?

Fred: Well, they say that you have to behead a zombie to kill it.

Spice Girls (in unison): Say WHAT?!

Fred: But first, let's find out who they really are!

(Fred reaches into Scary's net, grabs her face, and pulls it off. Shaggy, Velma, Scooby Doo, and Daphne follow suit with Sporty, Posh, Ginger, and Baby. Underneath the masks are...)

The Scooby Doo Gang (gasping in unison): The New Kids on the Block!

Fred: I can't believe it! Those fruity bastards were trying to get another fifteen seconds of fame!

New Kid #1: I can't believe you found us out!

Fred: Of course, it all makes sense now! The radio station here used to be W-NKOTB, which stood for…

Daphne: New Kids on the Block!

(Fred pimp slaps Daphne.)

Fred: Don't interrupt me when I'm talking, bitch! Ahem. As I was saying, it stood for New Kids on the Block. When people started realizing that their music was horrible, they lost all popularity. Now, by cross-dressing as five sassy British women, they were trying to become as popular as they once were!

New Kid #2: And we would have gotten away with it too if hadn't been for you darn kids and your stupid dog!

Shaggy: It also, like, explains why only one of the Spice Girls liked women, and all the others liked guys!

Velma: So, what do we do with them now?

Scooby Doo: Rall the sheriff?

Fred: Sheriff? No, I'm not going to risk spending another night in jail after the… incident (Daphne looks away in guilt)… so I guess we should just decapitate them like we were going to and dump the bodies in a ditch somewhere.

Shaggy: Like, sounds good to me!

Velma: Let's get hacking!

(Very soon, all five former Spice Girls are headless, with pools of blood littering the hotel room floor. The heads are stacked in a neat pile, and everyone's clothes are stained a deep red color.)

Daphne: So, how do we explain all this blood on us when we check out?

Fred: We'll just say the prime rib dinner we had was too rare.

Velma: Good idea!

Shaggy: Hey guys! Like, look at Scooby Doo!

(Everyone looks at Scooby Doo, who is juggling the heads of the five Spice Girls/New Kids while singing.)

Scooby Doo: Rif rou ranna re my rover…

The Scooby Doo Gang: Oh Scooby! (They begin to laugh at Scooby's antics.)

Scooby Doo: Scooby dooby doo!

Many thanks to Jezz Spice (yes, a Spice Girls fan!!!) for this great pic!


Trademark and copyright 1998, CloudVader Productions. Do not reproduce without giving the author, Cloud Volpe, due credit.

Click here to return to Spice Girls Die Violent Deaths.