vs. Seinfeld

by Cloud Volpe

(Jerry, Elaine, and George are sitting in their regular place in the diner one day. Cue the familiar bass track.)

George (to Jerry): So she actually had to get a dictionary to look up the word "cliche"?

Jerry: Yup. I knew the relationship was going nowhere when she had to look up a word that everyone knows the meaning to.

George: What did she say when you asked her about it?

Jerry: I said, "Why don't you know what a cliche is? Haven't you ever the word used before?" She said, "Nope, I've never heard it."

George: Never heard it!

Jerry: Never heard it. So I broke up with her.

Elaine (stirring her coffee): You know, it's amazing.

Jerry: What's that?

Elaine: The fact that you seem to date a new woman each week, and every woman has some slight, inconsequential flaw that you just love to pick at.

Jerry: What pick? I don't pick!

Elaine: You pick. Why did you stop going out with Elvira? She was a sweet girl!

Jerry: Every time I heard her name, I thought of the whole Mistress of the Dark thing. I couldn't concentrate on anything else!

(Before the conversation can continue, Kramer struts into the diner, and sits down next to Jerry. He's holding a pair of tickets in his hand and smiling.)

George: What are those?

Kramer (looking at tickets): Oh, these? These are the greatest things I've ever paid for! (He gives the tickets a big kiss.) Yeah, my friend Adam (he works for a ticket distribution company) said that these babies are selling like hotcakes. And you know what, Jerry? He got them for me. For only $300 each!

Jerry: So what exactly are the tickets for?

Kramer (hands Jerry the tickets): Here, see for yourself! I got one for you and George, too.

Jerry (reading the tickets): Oh my God.

George: What?

Kramer: What?

Elaine: What?

Jerry: Kramer! The Spice Girls?

George: What? Let me see! (He takes the tickets and begins reading.) "Spice Girls concert… yadda yadda yadda…" Kramer, why did you buy these?

Elaine: Yeah, and why didn't you get me a ticket?

Kramer (falling out of his seat in shock): Why, Elaine… (leaning closer to her) I didn't know you… swung that way… not that there's anything wrong with that…

Jerry (looking incredulous): Kramer, do you even know who the Spice Girls are?

Kramer (grinning wryly, and speaking in a low voice): Jerry… I've seen the pay-per-view channel, but I can't remember all their names…

Jerry: Kramer, these aren't those Spice girls! These are the pop group!

Elaine: Yeah, who are the Spice girls you were thinking of?

Jerry & George (simultaneously): Nevermind!

Kramer: You mean these aren't…?

George: No, they're not.

Kramer: Oh, damn! And I got backstage passes, too!

Jerry: Haven't you ever heard me mock them in my act lately? "Why do they call them the Spice Girls? I don't see them cooking anything! And what's with that Baby Spice? She looks pretty grown up to me!"

George: You know, maybe we could… you know… go to the concert?

Jerry: Why? To see how bad pop music has become?

George: Well, to be honest, a couple of those girls are a bit attractive. Maybe they're single.

Jerry (grimacing): Oh, fine! We'll all go! Kramer, you can get another ticket for Elaine, right?

Kramer (snapping his fingers): You betcha!

Elaine: Gee, thanks. But I still don't understand who Kramer thought…

Jerry & George (simultaneously): Nevermind!

Jerry: Anyway, the only reason I'm going is because I need new material, and these women supposedly have turned pop music into a big joke.

Elaine: Why do you suppose they call it "pop" music anyway?

Jerry: I know. It's not like there's a lot of popping in the music… I can't believe you don't know who the Spice Girls are, Kramer.

Kramer: Well, I thought I did…

Jerry: These Spice Girls sing that song… you know… (singing) "If you wanna be my lover…"

Elaine: Jerry.

Jerry: What?

Elaine: Stop. You're singing.

Jerry: I wasn't singing! I was reciting a verse with melody to help jog Kramer's memory.

George (to Elaine): Haven't you ever heard other people try to "melodize" lyrics in conversation? It's not quite singing, but it's not speaking, either.

Elaine: "Melodize"? Where do you idiots come up with this stuff? How much time does it take you to invent new words and phrases for everyday stuff?

(That night, the Spice Girls are backstage, getting ready for their biggest concert ever; all of ten people are in the audience.)

Baby Spice: Tee hee hee!

Scary Spice: Yeah, you're right, Baby, she is a total bitch.

Ginger Spice (sticking her head around the corner to look at Scary): Who's a bitch?

Scary: Oh, uh, er… that, uh, Marcia Clark…

Ginger: Oh, ok.

Posh Spice (stepping out from her dressing room): Don't lie to her. (looking at Ginger) She's talking about you, you dumb bitch.

Ginger: What?

Posh: Yeah, ever since you decided to leave the group, we all think you're a total piece of trash.

Ginger: Leave? When did I leave? I'm still here, aren't I?

Sporty Spice (from the background): Well, you know, it is kind of weird. I mean, supposedly you left the group, and yet you're still always here with us… it's like some sort of author's hand is manipulating us into acting out his whims on paper.

Ginger (contemplating): Yeah, that is very, very odd… (Suddenly, she snaps to attention and stares at Posh.) You bitch!

Posh: What? Why are you mad at me? What did I do?

Ginger: I don't know! It's like some unseen hand is forcing me to get into fights with you constantly! (She lunges at Posh, and the two begin fighting.)

Scary: Ok, you two, stop that. We've got a concert to do.

(The two fighting women, amidst gratuitous use of the word "bitch," stop fighting and begin applying layer upon layer of makeup to the bruises and scratches on their faces. Soon, the Seinfeld gang comes walking backstage.)

Kramer: Well, we finally made it… Jerry, are you sure that these aren't the girls from the pay-per-view channel?

Jerry (sighing): Yes, Kramer.

Elaine: What pay-per-v…

Jerry & George (simultaneously): Nevermind!

George (cracking his knuckles): Hey Jerry, I'm about to go to work over there. Make me cry.

Jerry: What?

George: Well, I'm going to feed them the story about Susan dying, and I want to look sincere. I need something to make my eyes tear up slightly.

Elaine: I can do that.

George: Ok, shoot!

Elaine (leaning into George's face): You're over forty, unmarried, sexually frustrated, bald, and overweight. Your parents have sex more often than you do, and you've dated your own cousin out of spite.

George (stupefied): …

Elaine: Are you crying yet?

George (meekly): I'm going to go talk to them now. (He walks away, with his head down.)

(Kramer takes a cigar from his coat pocket, lights it, and starts puffing on it. George approaches Posh Spice, in the meantime.)

Jerry (looking around): Backstage at a Spice Girls concert. The very thought that I'm actually here makes me shudder. (He shudders.)

Kramer: So, buddy, don't you think we should wait in the crowd for the show to start?

Jerry: Nah… I'm leaving as soon as George is finished hitting on that one over there.

(Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer are all watching George across the room, holding a conversation with Posh Spice. Suddenly, she slaps him across the face.)

Posh: Yes, they're real! And they're spectacular! (She storms away from George.)

George (walking slowly back to Jerry, Elaine and Kramer): Okay, let's go.

Jerry: What the hell did you say to her?

George (softly): Nothing.

Jerry: You asked her about her breasts, didn't you? How could you even find an opening for that in a conversation?

George (softly): Look, can we just go?

Jerry: Yeah, we might as well. I've got all the material I can get from this living hell.

Sporty (approaching the group, and talking to Elaine): Hi, I was wondering if you might like to come back to my dressing room after the concert.

Elaine: Uh… I'm flattered, really… uh, but I don't swing that way… not that there's anything wrong with that…

Sporty: "Swing that…" (she realizes what Elaine is talking about) No! I'm not! Really, I'm not like that! Not that there's anything wrong with that!

Scary (from across the room): Sporty, hon, we're about to go on stage. Are you hitting on women again?

Sporty: Arrrrrrggggghhhhh!

Kramer: That's enough. I'm out of here.

(Kramer and the others turn to leave. Kramer nonchalantly flicks his still-lit cigar over his shoulder. Behind him, Ginger Spice is approaching George to ask him for a date, but before she can reach him, a single spark from the lit cigar lands in her hair. It immediately bursts into gigantic flames. Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer exit the premises.)

Ginger: Aaaaaaaaaa! My hair! All the hair spray I've used is burning! (Sudden realization dawns on her.) Oh no! I forgot; I put on an extra layer of the extra flammable makeup! Aaaaaaaaaa!

Baby: Tee hee!

Posh (watching the fire with the four other Spice Girls): Serves you right. God only knows how many holes you've put in the ozone in the past year alone.

Ginger (still frantically running around on fire): That does it! If I die, I'm taking you with me, bitch!

Posh (eyes widened): No! Stay away from me, you flaming whore!

(Ginger Spice lunges at Posh as her face erupts in flame from the fire in her hair. She knocks Posh against the wall, who also catches on fire. As the two burning women struggle, the curtain directly next to them catches on fire from the flaming hair of Ginger. Within seconds, the entire stage is engulfed in fire, as well as all five Spice Girls. After one minute, the stage collapses on top of the charred women, crushing them all. The audience, amidst their cheering at the deadly inferno, leaves the building quickly.

After the fire burns itself out, a groan emerges from the rubble of the stage, followed by a hand, then a body. It is Scary Spice! She is horribly burnt, but she is alive and well! Jerry and the gang are waiting on the other side of the street for a cab.)

Jerry: Oh my God…

Elaine: Is that…?

George: One of them is still alive!

Kramer: That's amazing. You know my buddy Wally? He got caught in a fire like that one, and he escaped, too. The paramedics said it was a one in a million shot.

Scary: Hey you! You guys! Please, help me!

(Scary walks into the street to reach Jerry and the others. As she steps on the pavement of the road, a mail truck swerves around the corner, and hit Scary head on. Half of her body flies to the left, while the other half gets caught in the grill of the truck. The truck stops, and a portly man with glasses steps out to survey the damage.)

Jerry: Hello Newman.

Newman: Jerry! I hit someone! This is terrible! They could demote me to behind the counter at the post office Jerry! You've gotta help me Jerry! Please, please! Don't tell anyone about this! Please, Jerry, please! (Newman gets down on his knees to beg.)

Jerry (after a minute): Oh, fine, just go away and leave the body. We'll cover for you… I have no idea why I'm agreeing to help you…

Newman: Oh, thank you Jerry! Thank you! I won't forget this!

(Newman hops back into his mail truck, puts the gear in drive, and runs over the remains of Scary's head.)

Elaine: Well, that was awfully nice of you.

Kramer: Now, that's great! You and Newman are finally getting along!

Jerry: Oh, we're not getting along!

George: But you just saved his job!

Jerry: Yeah, but he redeemed himself by hitting her in the first place. And for Newman, that's quite an accomplishment in my eyes.

George: Ah.

Jerry: Say, why do you suppose they call it a "concert"? I don't see many "cons" there. In fact, I'd wager that there are very few prisoners that attend a concert at all! And another thing…

(Jerry continues his line of questioning as the familiar Seinfeld bass track plays in the background, ending the episode.)

THE END

Click here to return to Spice Girls Die Violent Deaths.