Author's note: This story may contain Sesame Street characters and the Spice Girls, but it is NOT for children. With my own twisted, distorted imagination, I have managed to produce what is more than likely my dirtiest story ever. Be warned: children should turn back now, and people who can't take a joke are advised to do the same. That is all. If you're still reading, enjoy the story!

  vs.   Sesame Street

by Cloud Volpe

(Cue the Sesame Street intro music and opening sequence. The show opens with Big Bird, Mr. Snuffleupagus, and Elmo greeting the viewers.)

Big Bird: Hi everyone! Today's episode is brought to you by the letter C and the number 69!

Elmo: "C" stands for "Cool"!

Big Bird: Heh heh. Shut up.

Elmo: Okay, Elmo shut up!

Big Bird: Anyway, the letter C also stands for many other things, like "Crack," "Cunt," and "Crap."

(Out of nowhere, Grover walks out.)

Grover: And speaking of crap, let's introduce today's special guests!

Mr. Snuffleupagus: Today, we have the Spice Girls with us! I'm sure all you boys and girls know who they are, and I'm sure all your parents wish they would die slowly and painfully!

(The Spice Girls walk onto Sesame Street, looking around cautiously.)

Scary Spice: I hope there aren't any giant robots, or FBI agents, or a group of kids with a large brown dog around here!

Posh Spice: Relax, this is a kid's show. What could possibly go wrong here?

Ginger Spice: Yeah, it could have been worse. We could've ended up on that bloody Baywatch show as guest stars instead.

Sporty Spice: Hey, what's wrong with Baywatch?

Baby Spice: Tee hee! Duh!

Big Bird (whispering to the Spice Girls): Will you dipshits stop yakking and get in front of the damned camera?!

Ginger: Oops! Sorry, Mr. Bird! We didn't know we were on!

Posh: Leave it to you to apologize to a bird.

Ginger: What are you insinuating?

Posh: Oh, just that you're a huge slut. Duh!

Ginger: Why… you whore!

(Ginger launches herself at Posh. Unfortunately, Elmo jumps in her way.)

Elmo: No! Elmo not let anyone fight on show!

(Elmo, standing in the path of two insulted Spice Girls, gets caught in the crossfire of biting and scratching. After about a minute, Elmo has been torn to shreds, and pieces of him are lying everywhere. Ginger and Posh appear much calmer. Posh looks at Elmo's corpse, then extends her hand to Ginger.)

Posh: See? I told you that trick would work! Now when I have kids, they won't bug the hell out of me for one of those damned dolls!

Ginger (shaking Posh's hand): Yeah, good plan! I'm surprised that you came up with it by yourself!

Posh: What's that supposed to mean?

Ginger: Oh, you know… I meant that you're usually such a dumb bitch, so it's surprising that you could think up a plan like that.

Posh: Why… you slut!

(The process of fighting begins anew, only this time it wasn't planned or rehearsed.)

Scary (hanging her head in shame): I'm sorry, Big Bird. They do this all the time.

Big Bird: Oh well, it's for the best, I guess. Someone was bound to bust a cap in that little red faggot's ass sooner or later.

Sporty: Hey, I don't suppose you have any female characters around here, do you?

(The intro scene fades out.)

Scene 1

Kermit the Frog: Hi-ho everybody! Kermit the frog here. Today, I have some special guests with me! Some of you kids may recognize them as being on the poster your parents throw darts at. Please welcome the Spice Girls!

(The Spice Girls walk on camera again, but with Ginger and Posh in bandages.)

Scary: Hi Kermit!

Kermit (looking at Ginger and Posh): Holy shi… I mean… Gosh, what happened to those two?

Sporty: They got into a fight, as usual. They can't contain themselves. I mean, I've volunteered several times to hold them back when they start at it, but they said they don't want me touching them. (Everyone is looking at Sporty with blank stares.) What? Now what did I do?

Kermit: Ahem! Er… now we have to get to the learning part of our show! Today's letter is C, so we're going to look at things that start with C! (Kermit holds up a picture of a prophylactic.) Now, do any of you know what this is?

Ginger: Yeah!

Scary: Er… no…

Posh: What the…?

Baby: Duh?

Sporty: Where the hell do you put that thing?

Kermit: This, boys and girls, is a condom. This is what mommies and daddies use when they love each other, but don't want any ingrate children to spoil their perfect lives! Because we all know that after children are born, they're a pain in everyone's ass! Say, Spice Girls, do you five use condoms when you and your boyfriends have sex so you don't have any bastard children out of wedlock?

Baby: Tee hee!

Ginger: Which ones?

Posh & Scary (looking at their bellies): Umm… er…

Sporty: Boyfriend?

Kermit: Oh… um… oh, look! We have another example of our letter of the day, C! (He holds up a mirror lined with a white powder.) Do any of you know what this is?

Scary: Hey! Where did you get that shit?

Kermit: Your dressing room, I believe.

Scary: Give it back! Give it back! I need it, man!

Kermit: Wait until after the show! Some of the writers want to have a little party while we're doing this show.

Scary: Ack! No!

(A large, purple muppet monster walks into view and takes the mirror from Kermit. He chuckles to himself as he walks away. Scary is openly weeping and cursing the staff of Sesame Street.)

Kermit: Well, we're almost out of time, so I think I'll finish with our final example of the letter C. Did you know that you Spice Girls represent a C word?

Posh: We do?

Sporty: What word?

Kermit: Cun…

Scary (after hearing enough): Why you fucking puppet!

(As the scene fades to black, Scary is charging at Kermit, screaming and ready to kill him.)

Scene 2

(In the next scene, the Spice Girls are standing on a stage, with Guy Smiley as a game show host. Scary appears much happier than before, as she brushes away a piece of green felt from her sleeve.)

Guy Smiley: Hello everyone! This is Guy Smiley, bringing you Sesame Street's brand-new game show: Anything Goes!

Sporty: Uh… what are the rules?

Guy Smiley: Rules? Ha! That's the fun of this show! You never know what we're going to do!

Posh: Sounds like Geri… she never knows who she's going to do, either.

Ginger: You skan…!

Guy Smiley: Enough! Shut up now so we can finish this damned sketch!

Ginger: Hmph.

Guy Smiley: Okay, our first question is for Baby Spice… and it's an easy one… What animal makes the sound "MOO"?

Baby: … (She remains speechless for a moment, then reaches under her seat and pulls out a book of Biology that runs about nine hundred pages. She leafs through, quickly, then stops in the second chapter. She spends about five minutes carefully going over the information, then looks up at the waiting Guy Smiley.) DUH!

Guy Smiley: Oh, I'm so sorry, but that's the wrong answer! Now, as a penalty, I'm afraid you get disemboweled.

Baby: Duh?

Guy Smiley: Er… but first, help yourself to this plate of cookies! (A plate of cookies is brought out by a small, inconsequential muppet, and it is placed before Baby.)

Baby: Tee hee hee! (Baby greedily devours the plate in a few swift motions.)

Guy Smiley: Heh… works every time…

(From backstage, the Cookie Monster suddenly appears. He runs towards Baby.)

Cookie Monster: Mmm! Digested cookies! (He dashes towards Baby, leaps at her stomach, and begins chewing through her. Very soon, there is nothing left of Baby's corpse's midsection.)

Scary: Oh, gross!

Ginger: Yeah, but which one of us didn't see that one coming?

Posh: Is anyone else thinking that the writers of Sesame Street went postal and wrote this episode?

Sporty (eyeing up Baby's lifeless body): Hey, do any of you know a good taxidermist?

(The Spice Girls and surrounding muppets are staring at Sporty incredulously.)

Guy Smiley: What the…?

Sporty: Look, I don't know what you guys were thinking, but I would only want it on Saturdays and…

Ginger, Posh, & Scary: Shut up!

Sporty: Oh, fine.

(A buzzer sounds on the set.)

Guy Smiley: Oh, you know what that sound means, don't you? It means that this is our final round!

Scary: Final? But you only asked ONE bloody questi…

Guy Smiley: Hey! That's enough out of you! Ahem! As a special incentive, we have a special surprise waiting for the Spice Girls if they can't answer this correctly. (He presses a button on his podium, and a screen behind him pops up, showing an image of a teenage girl suspended from a rope over a pit of growling creatures.)

Posh: Oh my!

Guy Smiley: This is an image from our parking lot. The girl tied to the rope is your dumbest fan on the planet (we tested her IQ, so we're sure), Beth. The pit below her is filled with ravenous Spice Girl haters. If you answer wrong, she gets dropped into the pit.

Ginger: Eww…

Guy Smiley: Now, our final question is for Ginger, Posh, and Scary Spice. What is Sporty Spice's favorite pastime? And don't forget, all answers start with today's letter, "C."

Scary: Oh no…

Ginger: I'm stumped!

Posh: What was the question?

Guy Smiley: Oh, I'm so sorry, but your time is up! The correct answer is "Cunnili…"

Sporty (interrupting): Hey! That's not true! (She turns around to see the girls staring at her.) Really! It was just that one time! Come on, you've gotta believe me!

Guy Smiley: Whatever. Cut the rope!

(The girl, Beth, suddenly falls into the pit below her.)

Beth (as she is plummeting): Girl powerrrrrrrrrrr…

(The Spice Girl Haters instantly leap like a bunch of velociraptors onto Beth's body the moment it hits the ground. Short-lived screams emerge from the pit as the fans gore her to death.)

Guy Smiley: Oh, what a waste of skin! Well, tune in next week to see the Hanson boys play Truth or Die!

(The scene fades out again, with the Spice Girls vomiting at the site of their fan's dead body on the video screen.)

Scene 3

(The final scene takes place on the street itself. Many of the main characters are assembled there: Bert and Ernie, Big Bird, Telly, Oscar the Grouch, and a few others. The remaining Spice Girls are also there.)

Ernie: Gee, Bert, I still have a pain in my rear from yesterday when you showed me what it was that people who love each other do at night.

Bert (bitch slapping Ernie): I told you not to tell anyone about that!

Ernie: I'm sorry Bert! Please don't hit me again!

Bert: One more peep out of you, and your lousy rubber duck gets it!

Ginger: I think the writers had too much fun with Scary's narcotics! I mean, no children would ever be allowed to watch this show!

Telly (to Oscar): So, Oscar, how's your trashcan today?

Oscar the Grouch: Up yours, fruit! (He ducks down and slams his lid shut.)

Ginger (watching Telly and Oscar): See what I mean?

Scary: Oh, you're full of shit. The writers only got about five pounds off my rock of crack before I got it back from them.

Big Bird: So, will you girls sing for us?

Sporty: Oh, sure!

Posh: Yeah, give us a few minutes for the stage crew to prepare the lip-synch audio tape.

Bert: Oh, great, they're going to sing…

Ernie: Well, Bert, we could always go play hide and seek.

Bert: I have a better idea, Ernie… let's go back to our apartment, and I'll show what today's number REALLY means.

Ernie: Gee, Bert, will it hurt like last night?

Bert: Only if one of us bites, ol' buddy.

(Bert and Ernie walk away hand-in-hand.)

Scary: Okay, it looks like we're ready to sing!

(Within moments, the girls are happily lip-synching to their song "Wannabe.")

Oscar (popping out of his can): What the hell?

Telly: The song is called "Wannabe," Oscar.

Oscar: Yeah, well I wannabe dead after listening to a minute of it! (He ducks back into his can and starts rummaging around inside.)

Telly: Oscar? What are you looking for in there?

Oscar (popping his head out again): Just this, you purple queer. (He holds up an Uzi.) Someone dumped these here a few weeks ago after a Yakuza gang war, and I figured they'd come in handy the next time we had the Backstreet Boys on the show. But now… (He stares intently at the Spice Girls.) Hey, Spice Sluts! (They stop singing and look at him.) Hey, do you girls know what else "C" stands for? CARNAGE!

(Oscar lets loose a stream of armor-piercing bullets that tear the Spice Girls into shreds. Pieces of them litter the once clean pavement of Sesame Street.)

Big Bird: Well, that was inevitable.

Oscar: Oh man, that felt good!

Telly: Wow, Oscar, you sure got them good!

Oscar: Yeah, and I wish I could feel that blood lust again! (He looks around for a second, then unloads a clip into Telly, who is standing next to his can.) Yeeeeeeee-haw! Where's that Grover bastard? Come here, you blue-furred freak! (Oscar, his eyes filled with the thrill of the kill, hops down the street with his gun held tightly between his hands.)

The Count (walking onto Sesame Street): Ah! One, two, three, four, five! Five! Five bloodied corpses! Ah ha ha!

Big Bird: Well boys and girls, that's the end of our show! Tune in tomorrow, when the show will be brought to you by the letter F, and the number 8, as in "8-ball!"

(The scene fades to black, with Big Bird waving goodbye and a janitorial muppet cleaning the guts from the street.)


Trademark and copyright 1998, CloudVader Productions. Do not reproduce without giving the author, Cloud Volpe, due credit.

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