vs. Star Wars (Return of the Jedi)

by Cloud Volpe

(It is a normal day inside Jabba the Hutt's on Tattoine. C-3PO is chained next to Jabba, while Leia is sitting in front of Jabba. Bib Fortuna is speaking with his master Jabba in his alien tongue.)

Bib Fortuna: I am telling you, master: investing in stocks and bonds is the way to go. Other investment opportunities do not have nearly enough growth, plus…

(Suddenly, Jabba's Gamorrean guards burst into the room holding five women captive. They are, of course, the Spice Girls, and they are busily yelling at each other while struggling in the grip of the guards.)

Posh Spice: I told you not to let Baby touch the damned box inside the Delorean, you idiot!

Ginger Spice: Oh, go to hell! It had blinking lights! How could she resist?

Scary Spice: I told you it would be some futuristic device meant to send us spiraling back in time into a far away solar system! But did you listen? Nooooooo!

Sporty Spice: What was the signature on the card? "Best wishes, M. McFly" or something? It's like someone gave us the car intending us to be sent through space and time so we can't produce music on Earth anymore!

Posh: Why the heck would anyone want to stop us from making music? That's almost as ludicrous as someone who writes stories about us dying! (long pause) Oh, well, it's this dumb bitch's fault for letting Baby get near it!

Baby Spice: Tee hee hee!

Ginger: My fault? You stupid cunt! If you wanted her away from it so badly, you should've held her back your damned self! Besides, which one of us had the gas pedal floored?

Posh: Stupid WHAT? Why, I'll kill you! (She struggles to get free under the Gamorrean's grip.) Let me go Porky! I wanna jam my heel into this bitch's eye!

Sporty: Hey, I would've gladly held Baby for you. All you had to do was ask, and it would have been my plea…

All: SHUT UP!

Jabba (in his native tongue): Ilencesay!

Bib Fortuna: The master intends for all of you to shut the hell up.

Scary (looking at Jabba): What the hell is that thing?

Posh: Yeah, it looks like Ginger's last date!

Ginger (from the side): Hey!

Jabba: Eye antway da glyuay itchesbay to taysay ere.

Bib Fortuna: Jabba wants you five to stay here, as our… guests. (He smiles.) Guards! Get them into proper clothing!

(With that, the girls are escorted into another room. They emerge minutes later wearing golden bikinis.)

Scary: Ugh, what demeaning clothing.

Sporty: I dunno… it looks awfully good on that woman chained to his seat. (The girls are staring at her.) What? What did I say?

Ginger: Well, anyway… it looks like a harem in here.

Posh (addressing Bib Fortuna): Hey, who's that little guy laughing over there? Is he your boss's gimp or something?

Bib Fortuna: His what? (looking puzzled) Ah, it matters not. Jabba needs me now. (He walks over to Jabba's side. He yells back.) Boba Fett! Watch them carefully!

Boba Fett: Right.

(The girls stand quietly, watching the armored man with the gun who is silently standing guard over them.)

Scary: Um… so…

Boba Fett (quietly): Hey, you girls into holograms?

Ginger: Holo-whats?

Boba Fett: Heh heh… well, you see that big, long thing strapped to my back?

Posh: What? The missile?

Boba Fett: Heh heh… that's not a missile, baby.

Ginger: Excuse me?

Boba Fett: Hey, they don't call me a booty hunter for nothin'.

Posh: Ew!

Sporty: Eek!

Scary: Gross!

Baby: Hee hee!

Sporty: Huh?

(The girls flock as far away from Boba Fett as their chains will permit.)

Posh: Hey, what happened to that dancing girl that was here earlier?

Scary: Oh, she fell down a pit and was eaten by a large monster.

Ginger: Serves her right. She was a lousy dancer anyway.

Sporty: Well, actually, I thought that she had a great set of…

Scary: Don't say it!

Sporty: But…

Ginger: Don't!

Sporty: I…

All: Shut up!

Sporty (crossing her arms): Fine. Hmph.

(The girls turn to notice a man talking to Jabba. He is dressed in a robe. He has blonde hair and a black glove on his right hand.)

Posh (leaning close to Leia): Who's that guy?

Leia: He's Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight. He's here to rescue me and my friends.

Ginger: Jedi what?

Leia: Are you as dumb as you look? You never heard of the Jedi?

Sporty: Um… no… (Sporty backs up and hits a lever behind her. Instantly, the floor underneath Luke opens.) Whoops!

Leia: Luke, watch out! (turning to the Spice Girls) You morons! When Luke the alliance hears about this, we'll make sure you're arrested for endangering a high-ranking officer!

(Luke falls into the Rancor pit. He fights a desperate battle for his life, finally killing the gigantic monster. (Hey, watch Return of the Jedi for the filler details! -C.V.) The scene switches to Jabba's sail barge, as Leia is choking Jabba with her chain.)

Leia (to the Spice Girls): He's got you tied up and dressed as badly as me! Why don't you idiots help me?

Posh: What? And chip a nail?

Leia: Stupid nerfs!

(As Jabba thrashes around from Leia's attack, his tail whips around violently. It hits the Spice Girls head-on, sending all five of them tumbling into the desert below, and into the waiting mouth of the Sarlaac pit monster.)

Spice Girls (as they're falling to their deaths): Oh no! Not again…!

Sarlaac (under its breath): Oh no! My ulcer!

(After the battle has ended and everyone has left the area, the Sarlaac lets out a loud belch, as it sends six mucous-covered individuals flying out of its mouth and onto the safety of the sand. The Spice Girls, along with Boba Fett, land on the desert sand with a thud and a spray of sand.)

Boba Fett: Boy, I wonder why that thing spit us up? As far as I know, the only time it regurgitates is when someone feeds it silicone…

(Posh and Ginger look at each other, smile, and give each other a hi-five.)

Boba Fett (realizing that he's with the girls from Jabba's palace): Hey girls… my offer's still on the table you know.

Posh: Creep!

Boba Fett: Oh, come on, honey! Baby Fett's dyin' to meet all of you, if you know what I mean.

Sporty: Never in a million years!

Boba Fett (flicking switches on his gun): Ok, fine, be that way. (He shoots all five Spice Girls with a stun blast. They all fall to the ground unconscious.) The Emperor's a kinky old guy. Maybe he'll have more luck with you. Besides, I still need money to finish the payments on that street lantern of a ship.

(Boba Fett carries the unconscious bodies to his ship, whereupon he transports the Spice Girls to the nearly completed Death Star. The girls are held in captivity for a few weeks, until they are finally escorted to the Emperor's chamber. His back is to them as they enter.)

Emperor (hearing the door open): Ah, young Skywalker. At last we… (He stops talking as his chair swivels around to face the girls.) Wha… who the hell are you?

Scary: We're the Spice Girls!

Ginger: Yeah, girl powe…

Emperor: Silence! (With a gesture of his hand, the girls become silent.) Now, do any of you have any royalty in you?

Posh: No…

Emperor: Ah, well, would you like a little royalty in you? If you know what I mean… heh heh heh…

(The Spice Girls simultaneously vomit. They all run out of the room in a panic. As they are running down the hallway, a large man in dark armor and a cape stops them. He is escorting Luke Skywalker.)

Darth Vader (drawing his lightsaber): Rebel spies! (turning to Luke) How did you get them on board so quickly?

Luke: Chill out dad! They're not rebels. I thought they were some new imperial soldiers. They look scary enough to pass for one of your ranks.

Darth Vader: The Empire would not use these five for anything more than target practice.

Luke (squinting): Hey! I remember you five! Leia said that you were the ones who sent me into that pit with that Rancor!

Sporty (blushing): Umm… it was an accident, honest! I was… um… trying to get the pig guy next to you, but you were in the way…

Luke (lunging): Why you little…!

Darth Vader (grabbing Luke and holding him back): Now is not the time to shift to the Dark Side, my son.

Luke: Screw the Force! I wanna kill them! Let me go! (whining as Vader drags him to the Emperor's chambers) Daaaaaad! Come oooooon! Please? Just one swing, that's all I ask! (His voice gradually fades as the Emperor's doors close.)

(Quickly, Vader leans out of the doors a few seconds after he enters them. He makes a gesture with his hand…)

Ginger: Ouch!

Scary: What?

Ginger: It feels like someone just pinched my ass!

(All the Spice Girls turn to look at Sporty.)

Sporty: What? Now what did I do? Why are you all looking at me?

Darth Vader (talking to himself as he walks back into the Emperor's room): Hmm… sometimes the Dark Side of the Force has unforeseen advantages… heh heh heh…

Ginger: Look, I don't know who pinched my ass. All I know is I want to get out of here!

Scary: I agree!

(They run frantically around the Death Star for hours, until suddenly an evacuation alarm sounds. Stormtroopers scramble for escape pods all around the Spice Girls.)

Baby: Tee hee hee! Duh!

Sporty: Baby's right! We have to find a shuttle bay!

(They walk a few feet down a corridor, where a stormtrooper is standing beside a large door, on guard.)

Scary (to the stormtrooper): Excuse me, where is the shuttle bay?

Stormtrooper: Oh, it's way down that way. (He points in a random direction.) You can't miss it.

Posh: Thanks!

(As the Spice Girls run in the direction the stormtrooper pointed them in, the stormtrooper moves sideways, revealing a large sign that says "Shuttle Bay.")

Stormtrooper (under his breath): Suckers!

(The Spice Girls run in the wrong direction for several minutes, until they realize that they are entering a part still under construction.)

Ginger: What, is everyone here a huge asshole?

Passing Stormtrooper: No, just you five!

Posh: Hey!

Scary: Ginger's right. I think that guy in the white armor back there lied to us!

(They run back to the Shuttle Bay, and enter it, only to find that there is only one shuttle left.)

Sporty: There it is! Our ticket out of here!

(The doors open, and Luke enters, dragging Vader's large body behind him.)

Luke: What? You again!

Scary: Please! Don't fight! There's only one shuttle left, and we all need to share it!

Luke: … You're right. Come on, help me drag Vader's body on board.

(They bring Vader's body on board the shuttle. Luke starts the shuttle, and it flies out of the hangar. From the pilot's seat, Luke can hear the Spice Girls conversing in the back, sitting near Vader's body.)

Ginger: Ew, look at him with the black armor… what does he think he is, a dominatrix or something? (Luke starts listening intently.)

Scary: Nah, he's probably ugly as sin underneath it.

Posh: Well, take off the helmet and check him out. He's as dead as our careers will be in a few months, so I doubt he'll mind. (Luke's eyes widen in anger.)

Sporty (after an audible click that could only be the removal of Vader's helmet): Ew! Gross!

Ginger: What an ugly bastard! (Luke's teeth begin grinding.)

Posh: Yeah, I'll bet any child he fathered would turn out to be a completely ugly bastard who wouldn't get sex even if he paid for it! (Steam emanates from Luke's ears.)

(Suddenly, a voice echoes in Luke's head.)

Obi Wan Kenobi: Use the Force, Luke!

(Luke gestures with his hands, using the Force to push the Spice Girls into the escape pod. He presses the button that jettisons it. It flies away from the shuttle and lands back in the hangar bay. The girls pry open the door, and step out.)

Scary: Damn, now we're stuck here.

Posh: We wouldn't be if she hadn't started fooling with that big black-armored guy! (She looks at Ginger.)

Ginger: Me? Who was the dumb bitch who decided to take off his helmet!

Posh: Who are you calling a dumb bitch?

Ginger: I'm calling YOU the…

Sporty: Girls, girls, stop it! Just be thankful we're all alive…

Baby: Tee hee?

Scary: Wait… what's that noise?

Ginger: Hmm… sounds like small roar, but it seems to be getting lou…

(As if on cue, the Death Star erupts in a fiery explosion. The mighty battle station is decimated, while all of the people inside, especially the five women standing in the hangar, are instantly vaporized.)

Luke (flying away from the Death Star's remains): Ben, wasn't that an act of evil? Have I turned to the Dark Side?

Obi Wan: Evil? Dark Side? What, are you nuts? I'm surprised you let them on the shuttle in the first place! If I were you, I would have shot their knees out before they even got near the ship!

THE END

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