We're not that scared! vs. The View

by Black Mercury

Keep in mind here that I LOVE The View, so those of you who cannot take a joke, please leave now. Here is my second attempt at a SGDVD story, so bear with me.

I had this idea for a story......Psychotic women.....deranged viewpoints.....Enough estrogen to drown an elephant.....Some call it a mid-morning, mammary-obsessive PMS fest.......I call it "The View".

(Enter the ladies of the View: The post-modern feminist WASP queen [Meredith Vieira], The sassy soul sista with the snoring problem [Star Jones], The common-law comedian with the annoying voice [Joy Behar], the hormonal, aging news anchor [Barbara Walters], and a blond idiot thrown in for good measure[Debbie Matenpoulos]. They all take their respective seats, except for Debbie, who is fascinated by a shiny object on the floor)

Barbara: Hello everyone- Debbie, get off the floor and take your seat!!!!!!

Debbie: Duh? Tee Hee Hee Hee!! (Skips happily to her seat)

Meredith: Anyway, I have some news for you all!!! One of us is getting kicked off the show!!

Joy: What? Why??

Meredith: Because, apparently, whiny feminist groups have been complaining that there isn't enough focus on middle-aged women on this show.

Star: Well, honey, who's getting thrown off?

Meredith: I hope it's not me, because I want to plug my bra-burning campaign!!

Joy: I can't leave because, hey, after all, I am a stand-up comic!! I need this job!!

Star: If I leave, who would give snappy remarks to every topic?

Barbara: True. And, I'm not leaving because, hell, Ben Affleck won't come on 20/20!!!!!!

Star: So, who's leaving???

Meredith: Her!! (Points to Debbie)

Debbie: *Gurgle* Duh???

Meredith: Yeah, the feminists also hate the fact that she's the only one on our panel with an I.Q. of a raisin. Besides, her boobs are bigger than mine!! BITCH!!!!!

Debbie: (Not noticing) Duh? Tee Hee Hee!!!

Barbara: (Feigning concern) Oh, it's so sad! (No longer faking) SECURITY!!!!

(The guards come onstage and take Debbie away)

Meredith: (Apparently, a little too loud) Now everyone will notice how important MY titties are!!!!!

Others: What?!?!?!

Meredith: Uhh....

Joy: So who's replacing her? I mean, we do need someone here that's still pre-menopausal.

Barbara: Oh, yeah. I got that one covered!! (Turns to the producers) BRING OUT THE FRESH MEAT!!! (Suddenly, a young Asian woman emerges from the doors. It is Lisa Ling. She is reading a copy of Teen Beat)

Lisa: Like, hi everyone! I'm, like, so happy to, like, be here!!

Star: (Shaking her head) Oh, God......Out of the frying pan, into the fire......

Meredith: Ummm.....Now, to Hot Topics!! You know, somewhere in Florida, it is legal for women to go around topless. Now, I can't speak for the rest of you, but I feel that I should visit this place often!

Joy: Meredith, why is every story you talk about somehow related to breasts?

Star: You're right, girlfriend, you always wanna let it all hang out! (Audience applauds)

Lisa: I can't like, agree with that, because I, like, have no boobs. But, I'm, like, still waiting for them to, like, develop.

Star: Baby, how old are you?

Lisa: I don't, like, know. Like, 25, maybe.

Star: Child, them things ain't gettin' any bigger! (Audience applauds)

Lisa: Like, oh.

Joy: Girls, let's change the subject a little....

Meredith: Are you nuts?!?!? I wanna talk about my titties!!! (Begins to strip her top) I WANNA TALK ABOUT MY TITTIES, DAMMIT!!!!!!

(Everyone in the audience begins howling while the other ladies on the panel try to cover her up, but to no avail. Meredith has already run center stage and begins screaming "LOOK AT MY TITS!!!!!!" while taking off her bra. Of course, the audience gets eye strain trying to see Meredith's non-existant bosom. Finally, Star tackles her and pins her to the ground and slips a straight jacket on her)

Star: There!! Now we can get on with the show!!

Meredith: Waaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!! I wanna show my breasts!!!!!!!!!

Barbara: SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!! Anyway, why don't we tell the people who's on the show today!!

Star: Okay, First we have our favorite natural doctor here to tell us about the top five female problems!!! (The audience cheers). We also have here with us En Vogue to perform for us (The audience cheers, then a stage hand comes up to them and whispers in Star's ear)...what?!?!? Okay, En Vogue couldn't make it, so we have the next best thing, the SPICE GIRLS!!! (The audience stays silent) Look!! Your tickets were free, and you get what you pay for, so screw you!!!. Finally, we have more hot topics in Segment Five, so stick around!!!!

(INT- Somewhere backstage, the Spice Girls are finishing getting ready for the interview. Scary is shaking violently as she has not had a fix in three days, Baby is in the corner eating a wedding cake and giggling, Posh is staring at three black dresses hanging on the wall before her, Sporty is reading a copy of Black Tail magazine, pretending only to be reading the article on Dolemite, and Ginger is stuffing herself into a full-length Union Jack dress that is about two sizes small.)

Posh: Girls, I can't decide what dress to wear. Should I wear the little Gucci dress, the little Gucci dress, or the little Gucci dress?

Scary: (Obviously not in the mood for any crap) They're all the same damn dress. PUT ONE ON AND LET'S GO!!!!

Posh: Bollocks! Don't be pissed at me just because the record execs made you quit drugs!! Besides, they're not all the same color! One is nightshade, one is charcoal, and one is ebony!

Baby: Tee hee hee!

Ginger: Y'know, Victoria, I see why this is so hard for you. It's not like you're used to putting clothes on!!

Posh: Like you should talk, you fat trollop!! At least I didn't pose for any lesbo magazines!!!

Sporty: (Her ears perk up at the sound of the words "Lesbo Magazine") Oooh, where can I get a copy? (Everyone stares at her) It's, er, for my brother....(Again, everyone stares at her) What?! I'm not gay or anything!!

Ginger: Shut up, Melanie. Besides, bitch! I was young and needed the money!

Posh: Yeah, right, tramp! It was last week!!

Ginger: Filthy cunt!!

Posh: Whore!!! (Lunges at Ginger as the two proceed to kick each other's asses. Scary and Sporty hold them back.)


Posh: Hmmph! (Scary lets go of Posh)

Ginger: You can let go of me now, Melanie!

Sporty: (Grabbing Ginger's, er, assets) No, Geri! I don't want you and Vicki to start fighting again!!

Ginger: Oh! (Noticing Sporty's grabbing her boobs) Hey, you stupid carpet muncher!! Get your hands off my tits! I paid for those myself!!! (Elbows Sporty in the stomach. She keels over in pain and lets Ginger go)

Posh: Wow, Ginger's tits!! The gift that keeps on giving...

Ginger: Watch it, bitch!!! (Prepares to lunge at Posh)

Baby: (Between bites) Tee Hee Hee!!! Duh Duh Hee Tee Hee!!!

Scary: Yeah, Emma's right!! We gotta go out there and sing! Geri, did you bring the lip synch tape?

Ginger: Oh, so that's what that was?? I put it in Victoria's answering machine!

Posh: WHAT??!?! That's why none of my, er, gentleman callers have called me! You tramp!

Ginger: Awww, did I ruin your $4.99 a minute entertainment scheme?

Posh: As compared to your ten cents an hour phone-sex scam?

Ginger: Why you.....I'll kill you later, ho!! Anyway, we'll need to sing live??

Sporty: Yeah, scary, ain't it??

Posh: I still don't know what dress to wear! I'll need another hour to decide.

Scary: AAAAAAAARGH!! THAT'S IT!!! (Leaps up, grabs a dress, and stuffs it onto Posh's body.) You're dressed! Now, LET'S FUCKING GO!!!!!

Sporty: Hey, Vic, if you need help getting that thing off....

Posh: Shut up!!!

Sporty: Ah, well....

(INT- Back on the stage, the second segment begins with Dr. Carolyn Dean, a natural doctor with a food fetish.)

Barbara: Welcome back, everyone!!! We're here with Dr. Dean to tell us about five common problems known to affect women.

Dr. Dean (Holding a grocery bag): HI!!!!

Star: So, Dr. Dean, what can a woman do about hemorrhoids?

Dr. Dean: Well, Star, you first cut this potato in half, see, then freeze it. Next, you shove it up your ass.

Barbara: Wow!!! Sure beats buying anal dildoes...(Notices several glares)...But it's not like I need them, though, I mean...aww, what's the use!

Star: That was just a little too much information, baby! (Audience cheers) Anyway, Dr. Dean, what do you do about yeast infections?

Dr. Dean: You see this tampon? You see that yogurt? Wait a minute, where's the yogurt?

Lisa: Yummy!! This yogurt, like, rules!!!

Dr. Dean: You airhead!!! You're supposed to put that up your vagina!!!

Lisa: Really???

Joy: Please don't give her any ideas, Doctor. Now, what do you do about sagging breasts?

Meredith (Struggling to escape from her straight jacket): BREASTS?!?!?!?! Doctor, please tell me!! I wanna show my breasts!!!!

Sporty (From Backstage): Breasts? Cool Whip? Where?!?!?! (The others hold her back from going out.)

Scary: Melanie, you're straight, remember?

Sporty: Oh, yeah!! Well, it's not like I wasn't before, I mean....come on, guys, I'm not gay!!!

Ginger: Whatever!!!

(INT- Back onstage, Meredith is seriously trying to get to the Cool Whip while the others hold her back.)

Barbara: (Struggling to hold her back) NOT ON NATIONAL TELEVISION!!! This is not Jerry Springer, dammit!!! Don't ruin my show!! I still want to interview that fine-ass Wesley Snipes!!!

Star: WHAT?!?!?!

Barbara: Uh-oh.....

Joy: Dr Dean, quick, tell us what to do about constipation!!!! And, don't tell us if it involves food going into bodily cavities other than the mouth!!!!!

Dr. Dean: Damn! Oh, well....

Star: We'll be right back after these messages, where we'll have the Spice Girls!!!! Stay tuned!!!!!!!!!

(INT - Again, backstage. The Spice Girls are preparing to go out to perform.)

Scary: Well, that's just lovely!! Melanie, next time you feel the need to get your rocks off, can you PLEASE not do it on national television!!!!

Sporty: I wasn't trying to do that!! I only wanted to get the tips for sagging breasts.

Posh: I hate to burst your bubble, dearie, but YOU HAVE NO BREASTS!!!!! You're as flat as Holland, remember?

Sporty: Oh, yeah.....

Baby: Tee Hee Hee!!!! Duh Duh Hee!!!!!

Ginger: Anyway, girls, we'll need to do our interview before we sing. Whose turn is it to scream "Girl Power" like a madman?

All: Mine!!!!

(Suddenly, Lisa creeps backstage.)

Lisa: Oh........(Five minute pause)...........My GOD!!!!! It's, like, the Spice Girls!!!!! I'm, like, your biggest fan!!! You are, like, so cool!!!!

Posh: Who is this little Oriental girl?

Lisa: I'm like the newest host of, like, The View!!! I'm, like, Lisa Ling!!!

Sporty: (Salivating) Hi, Lisa!! Would you be interested in modeling some nude photos for my, um, art class?

Lisa: Really? Yippee!! I get to pose for a Spice Girl!!! I get to pose for a Spice Girl!!! Where's your camera?

Sporty: Uhhh.......

(A stagehand comes backstage.)

Stagehand: Girls, you're on in a minute!! Lisa, get your ass back onstage!!!

Lisa: (Skipping away) Okay!!!!

Sporty: Damn!!!

Posh: She reminds me of you, Geri. Only you take your top off for anybody!!

Ginger: What did you say, tramp?!?!?

Posh: You heard me, bitch!!!

Ginger: I'll kill you!!!

Posh: Not if I kill you first!!!! (Lunges at Ginger, but Scary stops her.)

Scary: (Finally coming down from withdrawal) Girls, we need to go out and sing!! Please don't humiliate us!!!! Victoria, Geri, NO hitting on each other!! Mel, NO hitting on the hosts!! And Emma, please don't eat anything while we're onstage!!!!

Posh: Hmmph!

Ginger: Oh, well.....

Sporty: Damn!

Baby: (Dejected) Duh.....

Stage Hand: You're on in 5....4....3....2....

(Back to the stage where the ladies of The View are sitting on a sofa)

Barbara: We're back!!! Here all the way from England, we have the all-conquering queens of bad teenybopper music. Here they are (because they were cheaper to rent than Menudo) Scary, Baby, Sporty, Ginger, and the Rich Bitch, er, I mean Posh, the Spice Girls!!!!! (Enter the Spices as faint clapping can be heard from the audience and Lisa bounces with glee.)

Audience Member: (To Geri) Take yo' top off!!!

Meredith: Finally!!!!!! (Begins to strip her top.)

Ginger: No, honey. He meant me.

Meredith: DAMN!!!!!!!

Ginger: Thanks! And FUCK YOU, PERVERT!!!

Barbara: Girls, sit down!! Now, tell us about your next career move.

Scary: Either writer for High Times or saleslady at the T.J.Maxx!!

Ginger: Back to my, er, movies....

Posh: Y'know Geri... Nah, too easy!!!!!!

Joy: I'll bet you are!! But what is your next career move, Victoria?

Posh: First of all, I'm not easy!! I cost 500 pounds a night!!! And secondly, I have a job as an activist of some sort. I am also having a wall built around my house.

Star: For what? To keep out thieves?

Posh: Bollocks!! The wall I'm building is going to keep me away from those filthy people who are only rich, but not famous. Besides, it'll flash-fry a Jehovah's Witness in five seconds!!!!!

Sporty: Don't I get to answer?

Posh: No, because I'm far too important, so MY news will come first!!

Sporty: Up yours, slut!!

Joy: Anyway, Sporty, I'm sure you'll be working on your solo career!

Sporty: What? Oh yeah, that!! Well, I'll still play that crappy music, and I hope to one day join Hole. Y'know, I like the sound of that band's name, Hole!! (Everyone stares at her questioningly.) Wait a minute!! I only like that band's name because it sounds like a call for feminism!!! GIRL POWER!!!!!! GIRL POWER!!!! (The other Spices don't chant along with her, only Lisa.)

Baby: Duh Duh Duh!!!!! Tee Hee Hee Hee!!!!!

Joy: What?!?!??

Ginger: Baby says she has a solo track on the Pokemon soundtrack.

Baby: Duh!!!!! Tee Hee Hee!!!!!!!

Lisa: But, like, what about your third album?

Ginger: Haven't you been listening? THERE IS NO THIRD ALBUM!!!!! We just made that up so teenyboppers would still listen to us!! We're only on this gig because (pointing at Posh) THAT BITCH spent all our money on a new Versace wardrobe!!!

Posh: Well, we may be broke, but at least I still look good!!! (The others break out into laughter) What's so funny?!?!?

Barbara: You?!?!? Look Good?!?!? Bwaaaaaah hah hah hah!!!!

Lisa: (Begins weeping heavily) But you all said (SOB) you were staying together!!!! Waaah!!!!!!!

Ginger: Do you think I'd stay with these crack whores?!?! I can do bad all on my own!!!

Posh: And you've proven it with such hits as "Lift Me Up" and "Mi Chico Latino"!!!

Scary: God, I could use some crack!!!! Hey, Barbara, where's that natural doctor at? Maybe she has some, er, natural herbs....

Star: What, are you kidding? Unless you wanna pick that stuff out your coochie, don't bother!!!!


Ginger: What about the fact that you do more pouting than singing?!?!

Posh: What about the fact that you give more blo.... (Barbara places her hand on Posh's mouth.)

Barbara: I will have none of that!!!!! Please just sing and get off my show!!!!!

Lisa: (Still very upset) B-But you said at your last concert.......

Star: Face it, Lisa. They suck too bad to continue as a group, and they suck even worse to go solo!!!! (Audience applaudes) We'll be right back with their performance!!!!

(INT - Cut to the performance. The Spice Girls find another copy of their CD in Lisa's dressing room so they can now "sing" live.)

Spice Girls: Nooo, no, no, nooooooo....

(INT - Just then, Debbie Matenpoulos storms in with a flamethrower under her arm, aiming at the panel. Debbie has just enough of a brain stem to operate this device. They jump away just as the first fireball is launched, but the Spice Girls aren't so fortunate. They are too busy lip-synching to notice the giant fireball heading towards them. Before they get the chance to run away, Posh's implants and Ginger's fifteen pounds of makeup catch fire, setting the other Spices, and the studio, aflame. The audience then runs away like Mark Fuhrman at the Million Man March. Oddly enough, the music still continues....)

Debbie: Duh Duh Duh!!!! Tee Hee Hee (*Gurgle)!!!

Lisa: YOU BITCH!!!! YOU KILLED THE SPICE GIRLS!!!! AAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!! (Launches herself at Debbie, dodging the fireballs as they are launched. Star, Barbara, and Joy all had the sense to run away. Meredith, however, uses this as a chance to strip her blouse in front of the camera)

Meredith: LOOK AT THIS, AMERICA!!!! (Flashes the camera as she runs out the door)

Lisa: Take this, you blond bimbo!!!! (Turns Debbie's flamethrower on her and hits the trigger. Debbie's hair (laced with four cans of hairspray) catches fire, causing her to burn. Lisa, meanwhile, runs from the studio just as it explodes.)

(INT- Outside the studio...)

Barbara: Well, we escaped with our lives, but Debbie and the Spice Girls were all killed.

Joy: (On her cell phone) Uh uh.......yeah.......really?!?!?!? Okay, I'll tell them!! Girls, guess what!! We just earned ABC their highest ratings ever!!!

Barbara: Now. I'll get to seduce, er, um, interview that yummy Matt Damon in a new Barbara Walters Special!! Yippee!!!!!

Star: Barbara.

Barbara: What?

Star: Get yourself a man, girlfriend!!! (The audience, standing about ten feet away, applauds loudly)


How did you like that? Well, I figured that this would be better than the sketch on SNL. Drop me a line at nyanko5@yahoo.com and tell me what you think!!!!!!

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