Note from Cloud: Remember the masterpiece that was Spice Girls vs. Aliens? Well, Oliver has done it again with this story! Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant!

DISCLAIMER: Look, I'm not trying to be facetious about an accident that killed a lot of people. I'm just trying to take the piss out of a crap pop band and an equally crap movie, so don't start claiming that I'm the Antichrist or anything.

  vs.   Titanic

by Oliver Mulvey

(EXT: Liverpool docks, 1912. The docks are crowded with all manner of people going about their business in the shadow of the Titanic. The Spice Girls bus pulls up by the waterfront, looking strangely incongruous among the horse-drawn carriages and vintage cars that surround it. The Girls get off their bus and look dubiously at their surroundings.)

Scary (Eyeing the huge ship nervously): Are you absolutely sure that there isn't a better way to get to New York?

Ginger (Also slightly uncertain): That's what the travel company rep told us.

Scary: Yeah, he really seemed eager, didn't he? He just kept pressing us to take those tickets.

Ginger: He even offered to give us them for free.

Posh: I don't know what you're so worried about. There's a perfectly simple explanation. He must have been a fan of ours. He said he'd heard our music, remember?

Scary: Yeah, but what is this place? (Gesturing at several people in Edwardian clothes) Why's everybody dressed so weird?

Posh: I wouldn't call that weird. Not compared with Ginger's clothes... when she bothers to wear any.

Ginger: Shut it, bitch!

Posh: Who the hell are you calling a bitch, you stupid whore?

(Posh and Ginger vanish in a cloud of dust and blood as they savagely attack each other. They are eventually separated by Scary.)

Scary: Will you two cut that out? You know it upsets Baby!

Baby (clearly upset): Duh! Duh! Duh!

Sporty (Hugging Baby more tightly than is strictly necessary): There, there. Don't worry. I'll protect you. I'll be there for you. All I ask in return is your body. (She realizes what she has just said.) I didn't mean that. Erm... What I meant was... erm... that... erm... .

All: Shut up!

(EXT: Docks. The Girls walk straight up to the first class boarding ramp. A guard examines their tickets, then sends them to the third class gangplank. The girls are forced to wait in a long line for a health and safety inspection.)

Ginger: Third class tickets! Who the hell does that travel agent think he is? If I ever see him again I'll give him a piece of my mind!

Posh: Careful, Ginger. You've barely got enough brain as it is, even without sharing it.

Ginger: At least I have a brain, slut.

(The girls reach the front of the queue. They are met by a ship's officer, who glances at the girls and starts to read a list of prepared questions.)

Officer: Are any of you carrying smallpox?

All: No.

Officer: Measles?

All: No.

Officer: Rabies?

All: Don't think so.

Officer: Head-lice?

All: No

Officer: Crabs?

All: Oh SHIT! There's always something, isn't there?

(INT: Third class cabin. The girls, freshly de-loused, enter. It is immediately apparent that there is a problem: the cabin contains only four beds.)

Scary: What the hell are we going to do?

Sporty: I don't mind doubling up.

(She looks at each of the others in turn.)

Ginger: Forget it.

Scary: Get lost.

Posh: Piss off.

Baby (Shaking her head): Duh.

Sporty: Aww, come on.

Ginger: I don't see what the problem is. When was the last time that any of us spent a night in our own bed?

All: Umm... Ahh...

Ginger: So if at least one of us can find somebody else to sleep with tonight, there's no problem.

(EXT: 3rd Class deck. Ginger, Sporty, Scary and Baby have regrouped.)

Ginger: Do you really mean that none of us have managed to pull anyone?

Scary: I think the people on this ship must be weird. Three crewmen jumped overboard this morning when I tried to get them to sleep with me.

Ginger: Wait a minute. You didn't try to show them your tongue stud, did you?

Scary: No!

Ginger: Really?

Scary: Well, maybe just a little.

Ginger: No mystery there, then. What about you, Sporty?

Sporty: None of the women on this ship even know what a lesbian is. They all thought I Greek or something. (She pauses... Thinks for a moment) Not that I told them that I was a lesbian. I'm not, honest.

Ginger: Baby, what's your excuse?

Baby: Duh. Duh. Tee Hee. Duh.

Ginger: Why the hell couldn't anybody understand you?

Scary: Yeah, we never have any problems.

Ginger: So what are we going to do then?

Sporty: My offer's still open.

Ginger: And my answer's still no.

Scary: So, Ginger, what's your excuse?

Ginger: Oh... Ahh...

Scary: My God. You're not telling me that you've already slept with every man on this boat, are you?

Ginger: Shut up, bitch.

Sporty: Calm down. There's still Posh.

Scary: Yeah, where is she?

Ginger: Probably looking for batteries.

(A short distance away, Posh is standing and staring up at the first class deck. As she stares, David Beckham, soccer player and asshole, walks to the railing. At first, she pays him no attention, but then she sees him take out his wallet, which is full to bursting. At the sight of so much money, Posh's mouth droops open and her tongue hangs down. The other girls arrive to find her dribbling frantically.)

Scary (Looking at Beckham): Him? What the hell do you see in him? He's as ugly as sin.

Sporty: And he looks as thick as shit.

Posh: Yeah, but he also looks RICH.

Sporty: Money's not everything you know.

All: WHAT!?!?!?!?!?

Ginger: Look, I can live with you being a lesbian and all that, but I'm not standing for heresy like that. It's bloody disgusting.

Sporty: I'm not a fucking lesbian, OK? Besides, surely there's other important things in a relationship. What about companionship, love, trust and a great pair of ti...


(Meanwhile, Posh is unsuccessfully trying to climb up onto the first class deck.)

Posh: Somebody give me a leg up.

Sporty: Did you say a leg over?

Posh: Shut up. Just help me climb up here.

Scary: Why?

Posh: So I can find that guy and tell him that he has to sleep with me and give me all his money.

Ginger (Sarcastic): Great plan, Posh. Just how the hell are you going to get him into bed with you?

Posh: Surely, he'll take one look at me and fall in love.

Ginger: Not unless 'fall in love' has suddenly come to mean 'vomit violently'.

Posh: Besides, I'm rich too. I'll just tell him that.

Ginger: Do you really think he's that stupid?

Posh: He's a soccer player, remember?

Ginger: Oh yeah.

(INT: First Class lounge. The girls enter and Posh goes over to Beckham)

Posh: Hey, big boy, I'm rich. Want to go and screw?

Beckham: Duh.

Scary: Say, does he remind you of anybody?

(INT: First Class cabin. A short while later. Beckham and Posh lie on a bed.)

Beckham: So, err, what now?

Posh: I think this is the bit where we split up forever and I run off with most of your money.

Beckham: Err. Ok. (He thinks for a moment) Are you sure you don't want me to draw you naked first?

Posh: I think Ginger's better at that sort of thing than me. I could ask her if you want.

Beckham: Is she the one with the fat ass and the huge tits?

Posh: That's her. Do you want me to go and ask her? She's usually only too happy to oblige. She has over two million customers served so far.

Beckham: No thanks. I'd much rather draw you.

Posh: Look, nudity isn't in my contract, so forget it.

(She is interrupted by an angry mob of crewmen outside the door. They appear to be doing a very credible job of breaking it down.)

Mob: Death to the Spice Slut!!!

(Alarmed, Posh jumps from the bed and crawls out onto the deck through a window. As she sets foot on the deck, she sights the other four girls, also being pursued by angry crewmen. Together they dart through a hatch on the deck, pulling it shut after them.)

(INT: Maintenance room. The room is dark. A narrow staircase at the back of the room leads further into the bowels of the ship. The girls enter down a ladder from the deck above.)

Posh: What the hell was going on up there? Who's fault was it this time?

Ginger: Scary's. I told that bitch not to share her crack with the captain.

Sporty: He totally freaked out. Started talking to a bulkhead, then said he was going to find a penguin to talk to.

Posh (dubious): It's not like Scary to share her supplies.

Scary: But he looked so upset.

Posh: Why?

Scary (shamefaced): I think he heard us rehearsing our act.

Posh: What the hell have I told you? NEVER try to sing when there's other people around. It always upsets them for some reason.

(A loud splintering sound comes from above as angry crewmen smash open the hatch. The girls run down the stairs and further into the ship.)

(INT: Ship's bridge. The Captain enters, looking ever so slightly stoned. He is dragging a particularly stupid teenage girl behind him.)

Captain (slurred): Mr. Helmsman, I hereby relieve you of your duties and order you to be replaced by this penguin. (He gestures at the girl.)

Helmsman: Sir, are you feeling alright?

Captain: Hurry up, man. I gave you a... a thingy... a wossname... an order.

(The helmsman, looking distinctly worried, abandons his post. The girl takes his place at the wheel.)

Beth (for it is she): Tee Hee. Duh.

First Officer: Captain, are you sure that this is wise? I'm sure that girl can't be experienced. She doesn't look very bright and I bet she's got terrible taste in music.

Captain: Shut up. Can't you see that I'm a tree?

(The First Officer continues to reason with the Captain, who is making a determined effort to grow leaves. As they continue, Beth sights a large iceberg off to the side of the ship.)

Beth: Ooooh! Big shiny thing. Me like big shiny thing. Me get big shiny thing.

(She slams the wheel to the side, turning the ship. Titanic is now on a direct course for the iceberg. The First Officer sees what she has done and tries to wrest the wheel from her grasp.)

(INT: Furnace room. The room is huge, cavernous. The girls dash through it at breakneck speed, managing to stay ahead of their pursuers. As they run, they shout to each other.)

Sporty: This is one lousy trip.

Ginger: I haven't even managed to get a shag yet. Not that Posh seemed to have any trouble. The bitch.

Posh (wincing): Hey, I don't feel that good here. I think I'm gonna hurl.

Sporty: What's the matter?

Posh: I think I'm pregnant.

Ginger: What? How could you know that already?

Posh: I don't know. I get the feeling that time is being screwed around with just to suit some author's diabolical purpose.

Scary: Errr, I think I might be preggers too.

All: How?

Scary: After I gave the Captain that crack, he started to get a bit frisky.

(The girls come to a ladder reaching up to the ship's upper decks. It stretches far up into the darkness at the top of the engineering deck. They begin to climb.)

(INT: Ship's bridge. The First Officer is still fighting Beth for control of the wheel.)

Beth: FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!! GO TO BLOODY HELL AND ROT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Sorry for any typos, but that's how she talks. Looks like I finally found a use for the copy and paste function.)

(The First Officer finally dislodges Beth. She falls out of a window and plummets to her death in the sea below. He looks ahead and sees the iceberg looming large in front of him. There's no way he can turn the ship in time.)

(INT: Furnace room. The girls climb the ladder towards the upper decks. Ginger is in the lead, followed by Scary, Sporty and Posh, with Baby lagging behind. Ginger reaches the hatch, but she cannot open it.)

Posh: Hurry up, you stupid bitch.

Ginger: Watch it, whore.

Scary: Is it locked?

Ginger: Don't think so. There must be somebody standing on top of it.

(EXT: Main promenade. Jack and Rose (Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet) are standing on top of the hatch, embracing.)

Jack: Oh Rose

Rose: Oh Jack

(Hey, repeat that conversation 10,000 times and you've got Titanic.)

(As they embrace, the hatch beneath them starts to shake. Suddenly, it flips open, sending Jack and Rose sprawling over the edge of the boat into the water. Ginger pokes her head through the now open hatch.)

Ginger: Why did I just get an immense feeling of satisfaction? It's almost as if I managed to do something right for once.

(As she speaks, the ship strikes the iceberg. A violent tremor runs through the hull. Inside the ship, Baby looses her grip on the ladder and begins to plummet back into the abyss of the furnace room.)

(INT: Ship's bridge. The Captain is in a corner talking to his feet. The rest of the officers are huddled together, nervously awaiting the damage control report. A damage control officer enters.)

First Officer: Damage report.

Damage Control Officer: Four forward compartments flooded. Pumps operating at maximum efficiency, sir.

First Officer: Are we sinking?

Damage Control Officer: Negative, sir. As long as we don't lose any more compartments, we should stay afloat.

(INT: Furnace room. Baby plummets through the air, gathering speed as she falls. She strikes the floor of the room head-first with immense force. As she strikes, cracks run through the hull. A great tear opens up and water pours in.)

(INT: Ship's bridge. The sound of Baby's impact rocks the bridge.)

First Officer: Was that what I thought it was.

Damage Control Officer (resignedly): Think so, sir.

First Officer: Shit.

(INT: Furnace room. The compartment rapidly fills up with water. Baby finds herself swept up and fortuitously deposited on the main promenade with the other girls, who have been knocked off their feet by the impact and are picking themselves up from the floor.)

Sporty: What happened?

Ginger: Dunno. I think Posh just broke the ship.

Posh: What the hell are you talking about? I didn't break it.

Ginger (ignoring her): Tee Hee. You're not going to be able to fix this one with batteries.

Posh: You utter bitch.

(Posh leaps at Ginger and the two begin their usual duel. It comes to an abrupt end when twenty terrified passengers trample them in their haste to get to a lifeboat.)

Ginger: What's going on?

Scary (looking over the side of the boat): The water looks a lot closer that it did before.

Posh: Hmm, I wonder what that could mean?

(The girls fall silent as they try to work out what's happening when the water looks closer than it should to the deck of a boat.)

Baby: Tee Hee?

Posh: No, I don't think zebras have got anything to do with it.

Ginger (excited and smug): I know! We're sinking! (She thinks for a moment) Wait a second, that's a bad thing.

(The girls make the way up the deck, to an officer who is overseeing the loading of passengers into a lifeboat.)

Officer (shouting): Women only in this boat! Please, women only!

Sporty (extremely eager): Quick, we've got to go in that boat!

Ginger (shouting to the officer): Let us in!

Officer: No way.

Ginger: What? We're famous pop stars.

Officer: But this is a women only boat. You Backstreet Boys can't fool me just by getting up in drag. Piss off.

(The girls walk back along the deck. As they do so, it begins to tilt alarmingly as the front of the ship sinks. The girls rush to the rapidly rising aft section.)

Posh: This is just perfect. I'm never going anywhere with this travel company again.

(The deck of the ship is now vertical. The girls pull themselves over the railings so that they are stood on the rear end of the ship's hull. They spot David Beckham, clinging on to the railing. It's obvious that he can't hold on for much longer. Just as he's about to fall, a hand shoot's out and grabs his wrist. It's Posh.)

David Beckham: Help me!

Posh (struggling to pull him up): I'm... trying...

(With a superhuman effort Posh manages to lift him a few inches; if she can lift him just a few more then he'll be able to pull himself up. As he grasps for the deck, Posh bends down and plucks his wallet from his pocket.)

Posh: So long, sucker.

(She releases her grip on him, allowing him to fall to his death.)

(The girls now stand on the upended hull of Titanic. They look around and see scenes of chaos everywhere. There are no lifeboats in sight. The hull is now inexorably sinking into the waves. They exchange glances.)

(According to the records, while Titanic sank, the band played on. The records are correct. They just get the name of the song wrong.)

All: I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want

(They are now fifty feet above the water)

All: Tell me what you want, what you really really want

(Thirty feet and falling fast)

All: I want, huh, I want, huh,

(Five feet)

All: I really really really want a glug - a - glug arrrgh!


There we go. That was considerably shorter than the film.

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