vs. The Transformers

by Cloud Volpe

(The Spice Girls have just finished giving a concert to an audience of three people in a stadium. One person is asleep, one has on a pair of headphones, and the third is busily tossing vegetables at the stage from a nearby cart he has brought with him, as he has been doing for the entire show.)

Scary Spice (after finishing song): Thank you! Thank you! (No applause is heard.) Are you people idiots? What's the matter with you? We weren't that bad!

Spectator #1 (awaking from his nap): Huh? Wha…? Oh, that's right… I'm at that Spice Bitches concert… (He looks at the stage.) Boo! You suck! Boooooo!

Ginger Spice: Why the hell are you all here if you don't like us?

Spectator #1: I'm here on a bet. My friend bet me $50 that I couldn't stay awake during one of your concerts. Damn… now I owe him money.

Spectator #2 (listening to music in his headphones): "Don't let the days go by… Glycerine!" (stops singing to the music he's listening to and removes headphones) Oh, I'm here because I'm trying to get into a fraternity. There's two of us in the initiation ceremony, and the frat guys said we either had to run naked through a burning building while wearing a thorn bush for underwear or attend a Spice Girls concert. The other initiate drew the longest straw and got to run through the burning building, the lucky bastard.

Spectator #3: You suck! Fuck all of you! You can't sing for shit! (He throws a turnip at the stage.)

Sporty Spice: Hey! Security shouldn't have let him in the stadium with that cart of fruits and vegetables. How did he get past Nick?

Posh Spice: Wait, which security guy is Nick?

Sporty: He's the one with the keychain that says "I Love Bush" on it. He told me he's always wanted to be security for a Spice Girls concert. Then he gave me a gigantic smile.

Ginger: Oh, I remember him! He's a real nice guy! He told me he bought earplugs for the show just so he wouldn't be distracted by our music and could do his job. What a nice guy!

Baby: Hee hee hee! Duhhh…

Scary: Say, where is Nick?

Spectator #3: He's out back burnin' all your shit from your hotel room! You can smell the leather and polyester roasting from three miles away! (throws a stalk of cauliflower for emphasis) Ha! Eat veggies, bitches!

Posh: Will you stop throwi… My designer clothing! Oh no! It's going up in flames!

Ginger: I don't know why you worry about your clothing at all. You're naked and on your back most of the time anyway.

Posh: Why, you disgusting little skank! I'll…

(Posh goes silent and hits the ground as a coconut cracks itself on her skull.)

Spectator #3: Yeah! I got one! I got one!

(The other spectators begin cheering and giving high fives to the spectator with the cartload of produce. The three get out of their seats and leave the building promptly, laughing all the while.)

Scary: Well, that certainly wasn't very nice of them.

Posh (stirring back into consciousness): Huh? What happened? Oh… my head…

(The coconut responsible for the first lapse of unconsciousness drops onto Posh's head again. Ginger stands above Posh's still body.)

Ginger (being eyed suspiciously by the other girls): Uh… it slipped… when I was… picking it up… Oops. Heh heh…

(As the others are about to reprimand Ginger, several giant robots fly in from the sky and land in the stadium. They each clearly bear the symbol of the Decepticons.)

Megatron: Is this the place, Soundwave?

Soundwave: Yes, Megatron. Laserbeak's analysis confirms that this location is the origin of the disruptions in our sonic frequency.

Starscream (looking at Spice Girls): Megatron! These insolent humans are the cause of this?

(Posh Spice awakens and sees the robots standing above her.)

Posh: Oh no… it's those stupid Power Rangers again!

Scary: Are you an idiot? Anyone can see that they're the Go-Bots!

Megatron: Shut up! All of you! You humans make me sick! (He aims his arm-mounted cannon at the Spice Girls.) You won't pollute our frequencies with your noise again.

(As Megatron is about to let loose with a laser blast, another group of robots runs into the stadium. They bear the Autobot symbol.)

Optimus Prime: Megatron! Hold it right there!

Megatron (noticing the new arrivals): Oh no… not them again…

Bumblebee: Prime! You see? I told you that the Decepticons were here! I saw them fly here myself!

Optimus Prime: Yes, Bumblebee. It would appear that you're not as seemingly worthless as we all thought.

Ironhide: I dunno, Prime. I still think he's damned annoying.

Sporty: Oh my… there's so many giant robots running around… I wonder if any of them are female?

Other Spice Girls: Shut up!

Sporty: What? What did I say?

Prime (eyeing Spice Girls suspiciously): Do any of you have any idea who these humans are?

Blaster (stepping forward): I do. They're called the Spice Girls. I have to switch stations once one of their songs comes up while I'm in radio form, or else I'm likely to blow up.

Bumblebee: Spike told me about them once. He said that they were a talentless bunch of sluts who think they can sing and have managed to brainwash millions of innocent children into purchasing their CD's.

Megatron: Prime! Listen to me! You must let me kill these five! With them in existence, I cannot plot to take over this planet and return to Cybertron.

Optimus Prime: I'll not let you take innocent lives, Megatron! Autobots, stop the Decepticons!

(The Autobots quickly draw weapons and transform into their vehicle forms. A large-scale battle ensues, as the stadium is torn apart by the colliding forces of robots.)

Scary: I can't believe what we're seeing!

Posh: I can't believe that Nick the guard burned all our stuff in the parking lot!

Ginger: You imbecile! These friendly robots are trying to save us from the bad robots, and all you can think about is your wardrobe?

Posh: Well, that and my vibrators.

(Right in front of the Spice Girls, Megatron and Optimus Prime fall to the ground in a menagerie of fists and laser blasts. They are locked in combat, each one holding the throat of the other.)

Optimus Prime: I will stop you, Megatron!

Megatron: You won't stop me! You'll never stop me! In fact, just as you're about to win a fight in the near future, some hotshot young Autobot will probably jump in the way and allow me to deal you a mortal wound while you are distracted!

Optimus Prime: You're talking crazy, Megatron. That will never happen!

Baby: Tee hee hee!

Sporty: Baby's right. We should help them!

Scary: Baby said that?

Sporty: Well… not in so many words…

Ginger: Let's do it, then! Girl Power!

All: Girl Power!

Scary: Wait… how the hell does Girl Power let us beat a gigantic metal robot with a laser gun?

Ginger: Well, maybe we can't physically fight…

Posh: We should sing. That way, the good robots will be inspired to fight better!

(The Spice Girls hook up their speakers and microphones, and proceed to sing. The battle stops suddenly.)

Starscream: Ah! Make it stop! It's hurting my head!

(Starscream's head promptly explodes along with the rest of his body, leaving only his feet. Soon after, they are obliterated as well.)

Soundwave: Megatron! I calculate that the same thing will happen to us if we do not do something soon!

Megatron: We have to stop them now, Prime! Look at what happened to Starscream!

Optimus Prime: Don't worry about Starscream. He'll probably end up reappearing several times due to some ridiculous reason or another.

Megatron: Regardless, Prime, stand aside so that we may end this.

Blaster: Prime! My circuits are going to overload if they keep singing!

Optimus Prime (looking at his Autobots): Even though it defies all of our principles, we should probably kill these Spice Girls. The world would be much better off without them.

Ironhide: I agree, Prime. How should we dispose of them humanely?

Prime: Hmm… I have an idea… Grimlock!

(Grimlock and the Dinobots quickly shuffle into the stadium. Prime calls the Dinobots and Megatron over to him, and they begin discussing something. The Spice Girls, in the meantime, stop singing momentarily and watch the events.)

Ginger: Look! They stopped fighting! Girl Power saves the day again!

(Megatron begins talking to Soundwave, who sends a message back to the Decepticon base. Within seconds, Devastator arrives.)

Posh: This doesn't look good…

(The Dinobots and Devastator move towards the Spice Girls, who are still standing on the stage.)

Grimlock: Me Grimlock kill ugly bitches!

(Devastator and the Dinobots promptly lift the stage from the ground all together. Once it is free from the ground, they throw it into outer space with all their might. The Spice Girls cling to the stage for their lives as they enter orbit of a far-away planet.)

Megatron: Farewell, Prime. We shall no doubt meet again very soon.

(Megatron and the Decepticons fly up and away from the stadium.)

Ironhide (watching the Decepticons fly): Damn. I wish we could do that.

(Meanwhile, the Spice Girls are still hurtling through the atmosphere of the new planet. They crash on the planet's surface, apparently unharmed.)

Baby: Duh!

Sporty: I can't believe we're not dead! I thought you could die in outer space. Hmm… wonder if there are any women on this planet…

Scary: Well, apparently, we got lucky and defied all laws of physics and space.

Ginger: I'm just happy that we're safe! Girl Power!

Posh: Does anyone else hear something?

(Above them, a gigantic planet is approaching the planet the Spice Girls are stranded on. It is several times the size of a normal planet, and has a metallic appearance.)

Scary (looking at the giant planet): This can't be a good thing.

Planet: I am Unicron.

(As Unicron speaks, he engulfs and devours the planet the Spice Girls have landed on. They are vaporized in an agonizing discharge of energy. The planet-eater slowly moves along, leaving only fragments of the planet behind.)

Unicron: Oh… I don't feel so good…

(Small explosions begin to occur in Unicron's midsection.)

Unicron: No… those damned skanks agitated my ulcer! No! Noooooo!

(Unicron explodes in a blinding flash of light. Microscopic fragments of the giant planet hurtle in every direction. All that is left is his head, which merely floats dead in space. Back on Earth, the Autobots are leaving the stadium.)

Bumblebee: It almost seems sad that we had to do that.

Optimus Prime: Don't worry, Bumblebee. It had to be done. We had no choice. We fight all of the world's evil, and those five definitely fell into that category.

Bumblebee: You're right, Prime, of course.

Ironhide: Hey, does anyone else smell anything?

Blaster: Yeah, that's the bonfire going on in the parking lot. They're burning lots of clothes and sex toys for some reason.

THE END

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