Wrestling is real! Tee hee hee! Duh!   vs.   Snap into a Slim Ji... oh, wait.

by Ruth A. Clodfelter

(INT: It is a bright, sunny morning at the World Wrestling Federation headquarters in Stamford, Connecticut. As you scan the shiny building, you notice it gets darker and darker the higher you look. The highest floor seems to be the darkest. This, my weary friends, is the floor where the office of Vincent K. McMahon, the owner and Higher Power of the evil Corporate Ministry, is located.)

(Sitting inside his dark office are Vince and his son, Shane, also a member of the Ministry. Vince is on the telephone.)

Vince: (to the man on the telephone) I want them on Monday Night Raw, goddammit! I don't care how much money they're demanding, just fly those pop-singing prostitutes over here and get them on Raw! (slams down telephone) He's agreed to get them on the show, Shane.

Shane: (in the whining baby voice he always uses) Gee, pops, that's great! There's only one problem though, Dad!

Vince: Goddammit, Shane! What is it!

Shane: I thought you said I wasn't allowed to watch pornography, Pops!

Vince: Goddammit, Shane, not those Spice Girls!

(INT: Monday Night in the St. Louis Kiel Center. Over 21 thousand people are in the crowd, screaming. There seem to be more signs than people, saying such phrases as "Austin 3:16," "Smell what the Rock's cookin'," "SUCK IT!" "Puppies," and "I like to eat Chynese." A few barbecue grills are already heating up fresh meat, and the smell of beer is in the air. The commentators, "J.R." Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler are at their usual ringside positions.)

J.R.: Yes, folks, there's gonna be some good ole' barnburners tonight! The Corporate Ministry is going to make a big announcement tonight, and Stone Cold Steve Austin is in the house!

King: Yeah, and Debra can show us her PUPPIES!!!

J.R.: (sighing) King, do you ever think about anything except the painfully sexually exploited women in this company?

King: That and kissing Mr. McMahon's ass!

(Suddenly, the Corporate Ministry's theme song, "No Chance," plays over the P.A. and several wrestlers, along with Vince and Shane, walk out. The tallest and most menacing is The Undertaker. They take their place on stage.)


Vince: Don't you people ever show some GODDAMN RESPECT?

(Crowd chants louder until Vince begins his speech.)

Vince: Well, as you goddamn fools can expect, ever since I've screwed Stone Cold Steve Austin out of every goddamn thing he owns in this federation, including his stint as CEO and his numerous occasions as the goddamn WWF Champion, I've been pretty goddamn bored!

Shane: You tell 'em, Pops!

Vince: Yes, Shane, I'm telling them, aren't I! I have yet another master plan up my sleeve! And I assure…no…I guarantee you goddamn fools will fall for it!

Undertaker: (taking mic) I am your savior, the Lord of Darkness (repeat this ten times and you have a typical Undertaker speech). I have brought with me utter evil which will test the souls of even your very own Stone Cold Steve Austin. Cower in fear as the Corporate Ministry unleashes terror upon your mortal souls! Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

(As the Corporate Ministry's music hits and the Evil Ones depart, the camera shifts to backstage, in a messy dressing room. A few women are inside.)

Sable, WWF's Posterslut: So I said, "It gives you no right to control my career and involve me in lesbian storylines, Mr. McMahon!"

Terri Runnels of PMS: Actually, honey, I think it does. He's the boss, remember?

Sable: But that's so nasty! I mean, I can understand giving the boss blowjobs and dressing like a prostitute, because I do that all the time, but lesbians? That's just revolting! Where are our family values anymore?

Jacqueline of PMS: I think that's what they say when they see you on the screen, Sable.

Sable: Oh yeah! Tee hee!

(Five women walk in the door to the women's dressing room. They are easily identified as the Spice Girls!)

Posh: I can't believe I'm actually in the same building as professional wrestlers!

Ginger: Well, I dunno, Posh. Take a look around! You might see someone you've screwed before!

Posh: Speak for yourself, whore!

Ginger: Make me, bitch!

(The two begin brawling as usual)

Sporty: (Grinning in delight) Yeah, another catfight!

Voice from the dark corner of the room: Go, girls, go! Show Mama Chyna what you can do!

(Posh and Ginger immediately stop, amazed that they're hearing another female voice besides Sporty.)

Posh: What the hell is that?

Sporty: Oh, my! (Her eyes light up as she glances to the dark part of the room, where Triple H's muscular bodyguard Chyna sits, wearing nothing but a two piece leather costume and wrestling boots. Their eyes meet.)

Chyna: Whoa…

Sporty: I-I-I…I love you.

Scary: Dammit, Melanie, calm down! There are cameras everywhere! Besides, I have to go back and see if those wrestlers have any more of those…erm…herbal enhancement supplements.

Chyna: I…I…love you, too!

(Melanie and Chyna look at each other, then immediately run to each other and out of the dressing room.)

Sable: See what I mean! Those two have no moral values at all, just running off like that together without a thought!

(A long haired wrestler wearing nothing but a towel around his waist walks in. We can identify him as Val Venis, the lustful former intercontinental champion who seduces the ladies of the WWF left and right.)

Val: Hello, ladies!

Sable: (Panting lustfully) Oh, Val! Take me now! (Val overlooks the Spice Girls and runs to Sable, who immediately de-robes and he carries her off nude to the showers.)

Terri: Some morals, huh?

Jacqueline: Yeah, whatever, girlfriend.

Baby: Tee hee!

Scary: Yeah, I know she prolly wishes she were just here. But she's having fun with that bodybuilder chick anyway.

Posh: Bloody hell! Because of that crazy dyke we'll lose our jobs!

Ginger: Damn, I'll have to go back to cheap pornography!

(Shane McMahon bursts into the women's dressing room.)

Shane: Wow, it's really the Spice Girls! You're my favorite musicians in the whole wide world!

Ginger: Why, thank you!

Shane: Say, where's Sporty?

Scary: Oh, she ran off to dyke out with some bodybuilder.

Shane: Oh, Chyna's always sleeping with some woman. Last week she had a crazed fan in here!

Ginger: Wow! What a pure lack of values that woman must have! I mean, I can deal with posing nude for several sleazy magazines, but being a slut? I just cannot belie-er, wait a minute…

Posh: Cat got your tongue, Ginger?

Ginger: Go to hell, you high-priced whore!

Posh: Why don't you just- (noticing that Shane's wearing a $1,000 suit and has "WWF Co-Owner" written on his backstage pass) Say, rich boy, how 'bout you and I go somewhere private?

Shane: Posh Spice? My favorite! Yeah, le-er, I'm sorry, I can't! You all have to be in position for Pops' latest master plan!

Scary: What master plan? We were told to come and lip synch!

Shane: Yeah, that's the master plan! See…(begins whispering to the four girls.)

(INT: The Boiler Room. It is dark, dank…filled with metal chairs, tables, and other weapons of destruction. On one of the tables sits a man, cross-legged, with a sock over his hand and a leather mask over his face and long hair. He is Mankind, psychotic maniac, hardcore wrestler, fan favorite, and Corporate opposer.)

Mankind: Hi, Mr. Socko! What are we going to do today?

Mankind as Mr. Socko: I dunno, Mankind! I was thinking of breaking a chair over your head and then eating some Chef Boyardee Ravioli!

Mankind: Sounds great! (Grabs a chair and beats himself over the head a few times, then opens a can of ravioli with his teeth and digs in.) Mmm, beefy!

Voices coming down the stairs: This reminds me of an old bordello I was employed in once…You think this is where they keep their steroids?…If my dress gets ruined I'll kill that little bastard!…Tee hee, duh! (The Spice Girls and Shane make it down to the boiler room and are standing right in front of Mankind.)

Mankind: Look, Mr. Socko, we have company! Guess Shane the Corporate Brat finally decided to share some of his whores with us!

Posh: Whores! Do I look like a whore?

Mankind: Well, you probably make better whores than you do as singers, that's for sure!

Posh: You utter bastard!

Ginger: (running toward the man and embracing him) Mankind! It's been so long!

Mankind: Geri! Is that you? Sorry, these blows to the head make it a little hard to remember.

Baby: Tee hee duh. Tee hee.

Scary: Yeah, Baby…Ginger's usual clientele.

Mankind: (embracing Ginger) Oh, Geri, I miss when you used to beat me with 2x4s and then tie me up with barbed wire! Those were the days!

Shane: Shut up, you pathetic piece of shit! I unleash upon you my Pops' master plan!

(Ginger moves away from her man and Shane pulls out a tape player and presses a button. "Wannabe" comes on and the Spice Girls begin to lip-synch as they have been told. Mankind is writhing in pain and howling for help. After the song is finished, he is cowering in a corner crying for Mommy.)

Shane: One down, two to go!

(INT: A stylish dressing room. Several pieces of expensive men's clothing, Rolexes, leather shoes and other assorted items lie around. In the middle of the room sits "The Rock" Rocky Miavia on a chair, his bronze skin gleaming with sweat. He was once a member of the Corporate Ministry, but was betrayed and is now everyone's favorite "People's Champion." He is on the phone with his travel agent.)

Rock: (talking in third-person as usual) Dammit, the Rock says "Know your damn role, shut your mouth, and if you don't get me on a flight to Hawaii that doesn't check for…uhh…herbal enhancement supplements, I'll lay down the smack on your candy ass!" (Hangs up cellphone as the Spice Girls and Shane walk in.)

Shane: Well, if it isn't the Rock. The so-called "People's Champion." Well, my Pops has a special surprise for-

Rocky: Geri, is that you?

Ginger: Oh, Rocky! (runs to him and embraces him, then sits on his lap and strokes his hair)

Rocky: The Rock's missed you, baby! Whaddaya say we get Chefy with it?

Posh: (noticing Rocky's high priced apparel and becoming jealous) Say, wrestler-boy, why shag the little slut when you can be with a high class bird like me?

Ginger: Up yours, bitch!

Shane: Stop this fighting! My pops is gonna be angry! (Ginger backs off from Rocky and Shane once again starts up the tape. Rocky is hysterical, screaming, "You damn jabronies! The Rock's gonna kick your candy asses!" Pretty soon, he's reduced to a trembling mass on the floor.)

Shane: Two down, one to go! That was easy! Gee, my Pops is gonna be proud of me tonight.

Scary: (Grinning at The Rock's supply of hormones and steroids) Yeah, boy, he sure is!

(INT: Finally, we're back in the arena. It's a battle between the Undertaker, who is the WWF's current champion, and Stone Cold Steve Austin, everyone's favorite wrestler and Vince McMahon's worst enemy.)

J.R.: This is a good ole' slobberknocker right here! Austin with a whip, Undertaker reverses, then Austin with a thezs press! (Crowd goes wild as Stone Cold pounds into the Undertaker.)

King: Austin sucks! I like the Undertaker!

J.R.: Stop kissing ass and commentate, will you? I do all the work around here while you kiss ass and try to catch a sneak peak of Sable and Debra's breasts!

King: You mean puppies?

J.R.: Argh! (Picks up a small monitor and hits King over the head with it, knocking him out.) That's better folks. Wait, a minute, look who's here…

(Shane and Vince are walking down the ramp with the Spice Girls minus Sporty, who is still somewhere in the back doing god knows what with Chyna.)

(Stone Cold is getting the life pounded out of him when suddenly Undertaker lunges at him. Austin kicks him in the stomach, then spins around, grabs his neck and goes for the Stone Cold stunner. Before Shane can run to the ring and interfere, Stone Cold has already won the three count and is awarded the WWF World belt. His music plays throughout the arena while the crowd goes wild.)

Vince: (jumping up on stage and taking the mic) Wait just a goddamn minute, Austin! You may be the goddamn Champion, but goddamn me if you'll get away alive tonight! I assure…no…I guarantee you all will falter at the hands of the Corporate Ministry! Shane, start the goddamn music!

(Shane giggles gleefully and presses the button. The Spice Girls hop up on stage and begin to lip synch. Stone Cold is starting to writhe in agony. Even the WWF Champion can't take the evil coming from their lips. Then, suddenly, two figures come out from backstage! It's Mankind and The Rock!!! Shane drops the tape player and tries to run, but Stone Cold grabs him and gives him a backbreaker over the knee. Shane falls limp to the mat, never to rise again.)

Shane: (faintly) Pops… (dies)

Posh: This is going to get messy! (Pulls Ginger in front of her) Can't have blood getting on my Armani!

Ginger: Oh, hell no, whore! (Throws Posh against the ropes, then gets her with lariat. Posh is near broken on the floor when the Undertaker, who is now up and advancing towards Austin, steps on her and crushes her skull.)

Scary: Oh my god! You killed Posh! You bastard!

Ginger: You can't seriously tell me you liked her!

Scary: Well, not really, but-

(Scary is picked up by the Rock from behind and thrown off the mat into the crowd. A hoard of rabid Spice haters rush toward her and tear her limb from limb. A grill is heating up, and we recognize one of the Spice Haters as Hannibal Lecter, who is cooking a gourmet feast out of her remains.)

Rocky: That's what you get for stealing The Rock's…herbal enhancement supplements, jabronie!

Austin: (guzzling down a six pack) Alright Vince, you silly bastard, git yer ass over here!

Vince: You can't talk to me that way, Austin! I'm Vince McMahon!

Austin: I don't give a damn who ya're, ya sumbitch! I'monna shove my foot so far up yer ass it'll come outcher mouth!

Vince: Just you try Austin, I'll-AEECHHHH!

(Stone Cold has just kicked Vince McMahon so hard in the ass that Vince is dead from a brain aneurysm. Now, he and the Rock are double teaming the Undertaker while Mankind is attacking Baby.)

Baby: Tee hee!

Mankind: Tee hee hee hee!

Baby: Duh duh hee hee tee hee!

Mankind: Hee tee duh! Hee hee tee hee!

Baby: Tee hee duh!

Mankind: Argh! Shut up! (Beats her in the head with a metal chair with no avail.) Die! Die! (Wraps barbed wire around her neck and chokes her with it until it's cut through her neck and she is decapitated.) Have a nice day!

Austin: Alright, ya dead bastard, I been waitin' fer this fer a long time!

Undertaker: Austin, you will rest…in…peace…Bwahahahahahaha-eek!!!!!!

(Undertaker flies through the air into the crowd of rabid Spice Haters, who are apparently also Corporation opposers. His body is dismembered and several fans are starting yet another beer barbecue. Suddenly, the camera shifts to two figures come out from the back. It's Sporty and Chyna, coming to help Ginger! They race up onto the mat and face the three wrestlers.)

Sporty: You can't hurt us because we have GIRL POWER!

Chyna: GIRL POWER!!!

Ginger: GIRL POWER!!!!!!!!!!!

Austin: Oh yeah? Well, Austin 3:16 says "I just whooped your ass!" (Does a double stunner to Sporty and Chyna, breaking their necks and they both fall to the ground.) And that's the bottom line, 'cause STONE COLD SAID SO!

Mankind: (gleefully) Look, Mr. Socko! Two dead bodies for us to play with!

Mankind as Mr. Socko: Hooray!

(At this point of course, the crowd is having a ball. They can't wait to see Ginger, the last of them, die slowly and painfully.)

Ginger: (noticing she is the only one left in the ring with the three wrestlers, who are advancing towards her) Uhm…er…you boys don't really want to kill me, do you?

Austin: Hell no, you sumbitchin' slut!

Ginger: You mean, you don't?

Austin: We just wanna sleep witcha, ya dumb bitch!

Ginger: (recognizing yet another wrestler with whom she has a past record of screwing) Wait a minute…Steve, is that you?

Austin: Oh hell yeah! (Embraces her while the crowd, eating barbecue and guzzling beer, and adoring anything that Austin does, cheers wildly).

Ginger: (backing away from them) Well, since you guys just killed my band, and I'm going nowhere as a solo artist, I think I'm gonna have to charge you all one dollar each.

Austin: (Still drunk as a skunk) Oh hell no! I'm too goddamn poor to pay that! What the hell do ya think I make, 2.5 million dollars a year?

Rock: You think the Rock's gonna pay a dollar for your cheap ass? I say you take that dollar and stick it straight up your candy ass! If ya smelllllllllllllll what the Rock is cookin'!

Mankind: Shut up Rock! If you guys won't take her, I will! I can use her down in the boiler room!

Mankind as Mr. Socko: No way! I say we kill the high priced bitch!

Mankind: Good idea! (The three men advance towards Ginger once again)

Ginger: High priced? How dare you insult me like that! I'm not Posh!

(The three men surround the insulted Ginger. Before she can utter "Girl Power," the three men and one sock jump at her, tearing her to pieces. The mat is a bloodied mess.)

Austin: Here, ya'll have a Steveweiser (tosses Mankind and the Rock a beer).

Rock: You know, Austin, the Rock doesn't think you're as bad as he used to.

Mankind as Mr. Socko: Yeah! I feel the need to let you hit me over the head, Austin! It's fun!

Austin: Well, okay. (Austin begins beating Mankind over the head as the three men walk away.)

J.R.: Well, folks, these three men are walking away as friends now, but remember, this is the WWF. They'll probably be beating the shit out of each other next week. Tune in next time for Raw.

King: (Waking up) Did I miss the puppies?

(J.R. knocks King out again as the smell of lighter oil, beer, and fresh Spice barbecue puncture the noses of everyone in the arena, and as our three favorite dueling WWF Superstars find something in common by what they hate: The Spice Girls.)


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