? vs. The X-Files

by Cloud Volpe

(The story begins in Fox Mulder's office. Mulder is showing Scully a slide reel.)

Mulder: So, anyway, here's where I went to Tijuana for the weekend. (He switches to the next slide.) And here's a shot of me in Amsterdam. (He switches to the next slide.) And here's the hooker I picked up in Amsterdam who said that, for an extra $50, she'd take a pickle and…

Scully: Mulder, I really don't see what this has to do with the X-File you're working on.

Mulder: Oh, that. I almost forgot. (He pulls out the slides and replaces them with new slides.) You see this?

(The projected image shows the five Spice Girls sitting atop their tour bus.)

Scully (shuddering): I've never seen them before. Who are they?

Mulder: They're called "The Spice Girls."

Scully: Are they extraterrestrial?

Mulder: No.

Scully: Are they genetic mutants?

Mulder: They may look that way, but no.

Scully: So what's your interest in them?

Mulder: They're evil, Scully. Pure evil. And they have a record deal.

Scully: That was my next guess.

Mulder: We have to find out how they got a record deal in the first place, and then figure out how they brainwashed millions of horny teenagers into buying their albums.

Scully: I don't know, Mulder. This sounds way out of our league. I mean… aliens and mutants and government conspiracies I can handle… but this is so... stupid…

Mulder: We have to find them first, Scully. They sometimes travel in that long bus pictured there in the slide. (He stares at Scully lustfully.) It's a very long bus. And it's very… hard.

Scully (staring back at Mulder): Oh Mulder… but I really like long… hard things…

(Mulder and Scully move closer to each other, and then snap out of their daze.)

Mulder: Er… we should get going now, Scully…

Scully: Yes, Mulder. We should go and try not to act on obvious sexual tension between us… ahem…

(Mulder and Scully exit the office. In another part of the country, the Spice Girls are sitting in a hotel room. The room is about as seedy as a hotel room can get. The wallpaper is peeling, the bed is unkempt, and the sheets and towels are stained various colors, some brown, some yellow, and some red. Different species of insects crawl along the floor and walls.)

Scary Spice: This is the crappiest hotel room I've ever been in! Why is it that every room other than ours is beautifully furnished? (A rat scurries over Scary's feet.) See what I mean?

Baby Spice: Tee hee hee!

Ginger Spice: I have no idea… the manager said that this room was specially reserved for us.

Posh Spice: Wait, which one was the manager?

Ginger: He was the guy with the "I Love Bush" pin on his shirt. He said that he had been saving this room for the day when the Spice Girls stayed at his motel.

Posh: Yeah, well, I'm sure you've been in his motel on countless other occasions, and just not known it. Tell me… does that ceiling look familiar? You're on your back so much that the ceiling is probably the only thing you'd recognize.

Ginger (thinks for a second): Why… you… BITCH!

(Posh and Ginger disappear into a cloud of dust and begin trying to kill each other. Scary Spice steps in, grabs both by the hair, and separates them.)

Scary: Knock it off, you idiots!

(still struggling to reach Posh, but held back by Scary): Let me at her! I'll tear her implants out!

(On the other end of the room, Sporty Spice is hitting a television set with the palm of her hand.)

Sporty Spice: Damn this hotel! We finally find a place with adult movies, and the TV decides to go screwy when No Man's Land, Part 14 is about to come on!

(Suddenly, there is a knock at the door. Ginger and Posh stop struggling. Scary looks over. Baby drools. Sporty gets up and opens the door. Agent Scully is standing on the other side.)

Sporty: Hey! What are you doing here so early? I told your boss 11:00, not 10:00! (The other Spice Girls are eyeing Sporty suspiciously. She addresses them, sweating.) It's… um… the maid! She's… uh… not supposed to… clean… for another hour! Yeah, that's it!

Scully: I'm sorry, ma'am, but I am neither a maid nor a prosti… never mind. (She holds up her badge.) My name is Dana Scully, and I'm with the FBI. My partner, Agent Mulder, is parking the car.

Scary: What's this all about?

(Mulder comes running down the hallway.)

Mulder: Mulder, FBI. (He hastily flashes his own identification.) We want to ask you some questions.

Ginger: Oh no! They must have found out about the opium!

Posh: Run for it!

(The Spice Girls start running past Mulder and Scully, and out the door, yelling. Mulder and Scully draw guns.)

Mulder: Hey! Stop! (He fires two shots, both of which miss.) Damn! Missed them!

Scully: Maybe we should have a look around their room.

(Mulder and Scully begin searching through the closets and drawers in the room. They find nothing, except for some racy lingerie.)

Mulder (staring at Scully): Hey Scully. (He holds up a pair of split-crotch panties.) You ever wear a pair of these?

Scully (gazing at Mulder): Why, no, Mulder. But if you wanted me to, I would gladly put them on right no…

(Both agents snap out of their trances and act casually.)

Mulder: Well… I guess we should leave, huh? Nothing of value here. (He slips the panties into his jacket pocket.)

Scully: Right, Mulder. Go press the button for the stimulator… I mean elevator!

Mulder: Good idea… I'll go get turned on in the car… I mean… turn you on in the car… I mean… turn on the car!

(Mulder and Scully hastily exit the hotel room. After three days, Scully is awakened by her cellular phone ringing.)

Scully (answering the phone groggily): Hello?

Mulder (on the other end): It's me, Scully. We have a break in the case.

Scully: We do? What is it?

Mulder: Well, I'm at the police station. The cops found a murder victim. He's a sixteen year-old boy who has coincidentally just entered puberty. They found him wearing a T-shirt that says "Hanson Rules!" He was killed by a blunt object, most likely a vibrator.

Scully: Are you sure it's them Mulder?

Mulder: Scully, who else could it be?

Scully (sighing): Okay, Mulder. I'll be there soon.

Mulder: Hey Scully?

Scully: Yeah?

Mulder: What are you wearing?

(Scully pauses for a second, as if in a daze, then hangs up the phone quickly and breathes a sigh of relief. Meanwhile, the Spice Girls are hiding out in an abandoned warehouse.)

Sporty (to Ginger): I can't believe you killed that boy!

Ginger: I couldn't help it! I thought that was a gun in his pocket! He seemed so happy to see us that I thought he was going to… shoot.

Posh: It wasn't a gun, you stupid bitch! You know what it was! You of all people should know that guns don't hang that low in a man's pants…

Ginger: Well, he was a Hanson fan! I didn't think his hormone levels allowed him to do that yet!

Baby: Tee hee hee! Duhhh…

Scary: Wait, I think I hear something outside.

(All five Spice Girls glance out a nearby window. Police cars and black Lincolns are pulling up around the building.)

Ginger: Oh shit! They found us!

Mulder (speaking into a megaphone): All right! I want the five of you out here with your hands on your heads… NOW!

Sporty: You'll never take us alive, asshole!

Scary (looking at Sporty incredulously): What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you say that?

Sporty: I saw it in a movie once.

Posh: What happened to the person who said that line?

Sporty: Oh, they shot him in the head. (She pauses for a second, realizing what she said.) Oh, shit.

Mulder: Have it your way!

(A barrage of bullets pours through the walls of the warehouse. The Spice Girls flee from the building's side in panic.)

Mulder (to Scully): Let's go in there after them, Scully.

Scully: Right, Mulder.

(Mulder and Scully cautiously enter the building with their guns drawn.)

Scully: I don't see them…

(A noise is heard off to the side of the giant room. Scully turns and opens fire. After the bullets stop, a gushing noise is heard.)

Mulder: What's that sound?

(Mulder shines a flashlight in the direction of Scully's bullets. There are several tanks filled with gasoline that are now gushing fuel all over the floor.)

Scully: It was probably a rat. It's really a shame that I hit those gas tanks, though. We just have to be careful about causing a spark around here.

Mulder: Wait! Listen!

(Mulder and Scully hear a rustling sound, much like walking, on the other end of the warehouse. On the other side, the Spice Girls are moving through a mixture of explosives strewn about the floor.)

Posh: I can't believe all this dynamite!

Scary: This building must have been an old explosives storage facility. They must have simply forgotten to clear out all the explosives!

(Mulder and Scully come running behind the Spice Girls, guns drawn.)

Mulder: You see, Scully? I told you that it sounded like five women moving quickly across a floor strewn with old TNT!

Scully: You were right Mulder! (She aims her gun at the Spice Girls.) Freeze!

(The Spice Girls stop where they stand and raise their hands in the air.)

Mulder: What do you say, Scully? Should we shoot them and make it look like self-defense?

Scully: Sounds good to me, Mulder.

Mulder (staring intently at Scully): You know, Scully, I've always wanted to shoot something into you, too.

Scully (staring back at Mulder): Really, Mulder? Because I've always wanted to cock your gun, if you know what I mean.

(They snap out of their daze again and aim at the Spice Girls. Suddenly, a man smoking a cigarette steps in front of them from out of nowhere.)

Cigarette Smoking Man: Hold it right there, Agent Mulder.

Mulder (lowering gun): You again! Who are you?

CSM: It doesn't matter. You're out of your league here.

Scully: Mulder, I don't understand.

Mulder: Don't you see, Scully? It's a government conspiracy! We can't stop him!

Scully (glancing around): But Mulder, he doesn't have any men with him! We can just shoot him right here!

Mulder: Never mind, Scully. He's too powerful. Let's just go now.

Scully (protesting): But Mulder…!

(Mulder leads Scully out of the warehouse, not once turning back to look at the Cigarette Smoking Man. The Cigarette Smoking Man looks at the Spice Girls.)

CSM: Excellent. Everything is going according to plan. Follow me, please.

(He turns and walks toward the exit. The Spice Girls watch as he goes.)

Baby: Duh?

Sporty: Wow! What kind of person commands so much power that his mere presence is enough to frighten FBI agents?

Scary: I don't know, but we'd better follow him. He just saved us.

(The Spice Girls follow him, walking a good twenty feet behind him. The Cigarette Smoking Man exits the warehouse, stops, and takes a puff on his cigarette. He casually tosses it over his shoulder, back into the warehouse, where the Spice Girls are still walking, not thinking about the flammable material behind him. A startled look of realization appears on his face.)

CSM (turning to look at his lit cigarette as it hits the ground): Oh, shit!

(The warehouse erupts into an apocalypse of fire as the lit cigarette comes into contact with the gas, which ignites the explosives. The Spice Girls are instantly charred into nonexistence. The Cigarette Smoking Man begins jumping up and down in anger in front of the burning building, cursing and swearing. In the distance, Mulder and Scully are walking back to their car. Mulder turns to look at the blazing inferno.)

Mulder: Look, Scully. They've destroyed evidence again. Is there no stopping them?

Scully: Mulder… I'm just too tired to think about it now.

Mulder: You're right, Scully. Let's go back to that hotel room and have sex.

Scully: Good idea.

(They walk to their car arm-in-arm, and leave the smouldering wreckage of the scene and head back to the motel.)


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Trademark and Copyright 1998, CloudVader Productions. Do not reproduce without giving the author, Cloud Volpe, due credit.