vs. The X-Men

by Cloud Volpe

(It is nighttime in Brooklyn, New York. The Spice bus is flying through the streets at top speed. Behind them, a bunch of hillbillies in a pick-up truck are riding after them, hollering and shooting at them with shotguns. Banjo music is blaring from the pick-up's speakers.)

Scary: Jesus Christ! I can't believe these hicks followed us all the way from our Houston concert!

Posh: What did you expect? That two-bit whore back there fucked the daughter of that farmer who let us stay in his barn. People get lynched for that sort of thing in the South!

Ginger: Hey! I did *not* have sex with anyone's daughter! At least... not recently.

Posh: For once, I wasn't talking about you.

Baby: Tee hee?

(Every eye in the bus falls on Sporty, who is sitting in her seat smoking a cigarette and playing with her hair.)

Sporty (noticing the attention): What? Hey, don't look at me! What did I do now? (The penetrating stares continue, except for Scary, who is still busily trying to shake the angered rednecks.) Look, it was an accident!

Ginger: An accident? How the bloody hell was that an accident??

Sporty: ...My hand slipped!

Posh: Yeah, along with your head...

Sporty: Excuse me?

Posh: Oh, nothing.

Ginger (taking in the scenery of Brooklyn, New York as it whizzes by the bus's windows): Hey Posh, does this place remind of you anything?

Posh (glancing out the window): Umm... no, not really. Why, should it? (Ginger gets up and sweeps Posh's feet out from under her with her leg, sprawling her flat on her back.) Hey! What did you do that for?

Ginger: Well, you're on your back now in the back of a moving vehicle. Look familiar now?

Posh (glancing out the window again): Hey, so it... HEY! You bitch!

(Posh grabs Ginger's ankle and pulls down. Soon, both are on the ground tearing at each other. After a few minutes of fighting, they both turn to look at Sporty, who by now has usually made some sort of homoerotic comment. They see her sitting calmly, staring out the window. She takes a long drag from the cigarette. Posh looks up at Ginger. Ginger looks down at Posh.)

Ginger: Doesn't she usually try to jump into this by now?

Posh: Her hand "slipped," remember?

Ginger (glancing back at Sporty, who winks back): I think I'm going to be sick. Our careers are dead now.

Posh: Well go get sick out the fucking window! If you throw-up on my new dress, I'll claw the price out of your face.

Scary: Uhhh... guys? There's something wrong here...

(Suddenly, all sorts of metal objects begin flying around the bus. The vehicle grinds to a screeching halt. The pick-up behind the bus slows to a stop as well.)

Baby: Tee hee!

Ginger: Why the hell did you stop? They're still behind us!

Scary: I didn't stop intentionally! I think the bus is broken!

Posh: Look, let's just give Sporty to the farmers. Let them tie her to a bull or something, as long as we're safe. Then, we'll say she was lost at sea, make a new album as a tribute, and not have to worry about the tabloids hearing about this.

Scary & Ginger: Agreed!

Baby: Duh!

Sporty: Huh? (She notices all four girls advancing towards her, each grinning, and each reaching for her.) Oh, now you finally come around! But... you really want to do it here on the bus? I always pictured it in a nice hotel roo... (She realizes they aren't advancing on her for the reason she thinks they're advancing on her.) Oh. Oh shit.

Scary: Grab her!

(They all lunge at Sporty, and a huge struggle ensues.)

Sporty: No, stop! Don't touch that! Wait... on second thought, touch that! Eek!

(Soon, they have Sporty by each limb. The drag her out of the bus doors and onto the street, which is dimly lit.)

Lead Redneck: Which one of ya'll went and nailed my daughter Cheryl? That's the only one of ya'll I want!

(The girls toss Sporty at the group of hicks.)

Scary: Here, take her. We don't want her anymore.

Lead Redneck: So ya'll was the one that went and fingered my li'l girl?

Sporty (nervously): Er... I... uh... that is... (He lowers his shotgun at her.) Oh, she was asking for it!! She kept saying, "I can't wait to tell everyone at A Spice World that I dyked out with a Spice Girl!" She wanted me!

Lead Redneck (flabbergasted): Aw, shit! Now I'm gonna have to shoot ya! Lock and load, fellas!

(The rednecks all cock their shotguns, spit a wad of tobacco, and aim for Sporty. The other girls turn away, wincing. Suddenly, all of the guns are surrounded by a purple field, and are bent into pretzel shapes, rendering them useless.)

Sporty: Huh?

Lead Redneck: What in tarnation??

(Out of the sky, a man dressed in red and purple descends in a transparent ball of crackling purple energy. His purple cape flows behind him in the wind, and his mere presence inspires fear in those who look upon him. He is Magneto.)

Magneto: Foolish Homo sapiens. Put your toys away.

Lead Redneck: Well, jizz on me and call me Monica... if that ain't the biggest friggin' load o' crap I ever heard. How about this, Mr. Tights? How about me and the fellas here go over there and put our toys away up your ASS?

Magneto: An interesting idea. I do believe I like it. (His hand waves, and all of the shotguns swirl through the air for a few seconds, then launch themselves at the rectums of each hillbilly. There are screams of pain as the guns are placed where Nature did not intend anything to be placed.)

Scary: Damn! And I thought smuggling my stash from Venezuela was painful!

Magneto (turning to the girls): Are you all right, fellow children of the atom?

Ginger (whispering): Children of the what?

Posh: Hey, he saved us. Just play along!

Scary: Er... yes, we're fine... um... Magnet Man?

Magneto: Magneto. Perhaps you've heard of me? (dead silence) Ah... well then. Would you like to come to a place where mutants like us are free to live in peace, all the while plotting to destroy mankind?

Posh: Wait a minute! I'm not a mutant.

Sporty: Yes you are. You've got that huge mole on your ass.

Posh: And how the hell did you know that???

Sporty: Er... umm... lucky guess... it had nothing to do with me spying on you in the shower or anything.

Posh: Oh, good.

Magneto: A mole? What an odd mutant power... No matter. Step into my magnetic field, and I will take us home.

Ginger: It sure is nice of you to give us shelter.

Magneto: Yes, well, I feel all mutants deserve to rule this world, so I pick them up whenever I can. (Long pause.) That and I haven't had sex in thirty years.

Ginger: Oh crap...

(Meanwhile, at Professor Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters...)

Cyclops (bursting into Prof. X's office): Professor!

(Prof. X, sitting behind his desk, looks up at Cyclops.)

Prof. X: Um... uh... Scott! What a pleasant surprise! What do you want?

Cyclops: Sir, we've just gotten word that Magneto has kidnapped some celebrities. We think he's going to hold them for ransom, or maybe even kill them as a demonstration.

Prof. X: That's... that's terrible! Quickly, go assemble the others! I'll... um... I'll find Jean!

Cyclops: Good idea, sir! (He runs out the door like a good, obedient Boy Scout.)

Jean Grey (getting up from behind Prof. X's desk): Whew, that was a close one!

Prof. X: Yes... too close.

Jean Grey: You know, I always thought you were *paralyzed* from the waist down.

Prof. X: I just act this way to get chicks.

(Later, in the Blackbird's hangar...)

Wolverine (to Gambit): So then, I told the guy in the bar, "Look, I'll bet you fifty bucks that I can give you the most painful enema in the world with a flick of my wrist." And since he was so drunk off his ass, he took the bet. So, I popped out my middle claw and walked around to...

(The main doors open and Professor X wheels himself in, followed by Jean Grey.)

Prof. X: Good morning, my X-Men. I trust you all slept well?

Gambit: I would have slept better if Rogue Squadron was playing with my Nintendo joystick, if you know what I mean. (He looks at Rogue and raises his eyebrows.)

Rogue: You horny little... I've told you a million times before! If I touch anyone, I absorb their mind and powers! I can never... play with your joystick!

Prof. X: If you two are quite done, we have work to do.

Nightcrawler: You mean you are actually coming with us on a mission?

Prof. X: No, of course not. By "we," I mean "you." What are you on, drugs?

Wolverine (muttering): Lousy cripple...

Prof. X: No, unfortunately, Jean and I have some... uh... work to do with the mutant log file in my office...

Cyclops: Oh darn, not again. Jean, I hope you're okay staying here. I hate going off on a dangerous mission wondering if I'll ever see you again.

Jean Grey: Oh Scott, I am truly sorry... but... uh... the professor's log file needs to be... uh... uploaded.

Cyclops: Oh... well, in that case, take care of yourself... and the professor too.

Jean Grey (grinning): Oh, I intend to.

(They embrace. The five X-Men board the Blackbird and take off for Magneto's new base...)

(Meanwhile, in Magneto's new base, a tour is taking place.)

Magneto: ...And this is the Hot Mutant Chicks Room.

(Each Spice Girl turns instantly to look at Sporty, who was just about to say something.)

Scary: Don't even think about it.

Sporty: Bu...

Posh: Hush!

Magneto: Problem?

Ginger: Well, all jokes about a sketch comedy show aside, what do you need with a Hot Mutant Chicks Room?

Magneto: Well, they have to go somewhere. And there are just so many of them...

Posh: What else is there? So far, we've only seen a huge war room and a room filled with large-breasted mutant women.

Magneto: What do you mean?

Scary: She's right. Surely you have living accommodations for all of the mutants you bring here.

Magneto (thinking for a moment): Shit! I knew my mutant safe haven was missing something!

Sporty: Umm... Mr. Magnet? Why... er... how did you know we were mutants?

Magneto: Well, it was pretty obvious. No Homo sapien walks around dressed as outlandishly as you do, so the conclusion is obvious.

(Suddenly, henchman and asskisser supreme Fabian Cortez runs up to Magneto.)

Cortez: Lord Magneto! Xavier's students are on their way here!

Magneto: Damn. I have to face them again. Well Cortez, I can at least count on you to remain by my side in battle until the bitter end.

Cortez: Um... uh... of course, my lord.

Magneto: And as for you, mutants called "Spice Girls," do you swear to fight against our opponents by my side as well?

Ginger: Well, that depends...

Scary: Can you make us richer than we already are and force people everywhere to buy our albums?

Magneto: Er... sure, what the hell. I'll go rob a bank or something like back in the old days, then threaten a record producer.

Baby: Duh!

Other Spice Girls: Agreed!

(No sooner has this unholy alliance been made than the Blackbird crashes through the side wall of the base. The X-Men leap out.)

Cyclops: It's over Magneto! We destroyed your Avalon, and now we're going to destroy your Avalon II! And we're taking your hostages back as well.

Wolverine <snikt, snikt>: Let 'em go, bub.

Magneto: I'm afraid I can't do that. Fabian, get the other mutants! Everyone else, attack!

(Cortez runs off, while the X-Men charge at Magneto and the Spices. Nightcrawler teleports to Ginger with a loud "BAMF!")

Nightcrawler: Quickly, fraulein, we must hurry. Grab ahold of me, and I will teleport you to safety!

Ginger (looking suddenly lustful): Oh my... is your tail the only thing that's prehensile?

Posh: You frigging slut! He's BLUE! Don't you have any standards at all? (Ginger thinks for a moment.) Besides, we made a deal with Dr. Magnet!

Ginger: Oh, right. (She turns back to Nightcrawler, who is waiting patiently.) Piss off. (She kicks him in the groin. He doubles over in pain.)

(In the meantime, a magnetic field has fended off the attacks of the X-Men against Magneto. Suddenly, Cortez reappears with a few mutants at his side.)

Cortez: Attack them!

(The mutants run towards a separate X-man each, intending to fight to them.)

(A mutant with a gigantic mouth approaches Gambit, who is stroking a charged Ace of Spades.)

Gambit: And just who the hell are you?

Mutant #1: Name's Vominator! I shoot bile out of my mouth! (He attacks, opening his mouth wide and sending a jet of brownish-yellow congealed liquid out of his throat and onto Gambit's trench coat.)

Gambit: Hey! That was my fifteenth-favorite coat! (Gambit tosses his card into Vominator's still-open mouth, and leaps for cover. Within a second, the area is covered in a thick, brownish-yellow stain as the headless mutant falls limply to the ground.)

(On the other side of the room, Gambit notices Rogue struggling with a mutant who is obviously endowed with amazing strength. She is about eight feet tall and looks like she is made of solid muscle.)

Rogue (struggling): Ugh... get off of me, you diesel bitch!

Gambit (yelling to Rogue): Rogue! Touch her with your skin and absorb her powers! It's the only way!

(Rogue merely looks at Gambit and resumes her struggle with a slight whimper. Instantly, however, Cyclops's optic blast knocks the huge mutant woman across the room. She hits the wall next to Sporty and falls unconscious.)

Scary: Oh no... here we go again.

Sporty: What?

Posh: Don't play innocent. (She looks at the unconscious mutant woman lying directly next to Sporty.) You know what? Fine, just do it and get it over with! We all know you're going to say something about her!

Sporty (doing a double-take and frowning in disgust at the monstrous woman): Oh please. Even *I* have standards.


Gambit (running to Rogue): Rogue! Are you okay? Why didn't you touch her and absorb her power to stop her?

Rogue (with a sheepish, guilty grin): Umm... well.... that is... I... (She gulps nervously.)

Gambit (with sudden realization dawning on him): Wait a minute! You can't absorb powers at all, can you?

Rogue (long pause): ...No.

Gambit: So why...

Rogue (yelling): Because I needed an excuse! Gawd, you think you're God's gift to women? Stay the hell away from me! (She flies off to another part of the battle. Gambit is left standing with his mouth wide open.)

Gambit: Shit.

(Over on the other side of the room, Wolverine is standing in a battle position, ready to do some serious damage to Cortez.)

Wolverine: I gotta know one thing, bub... what exactly is your mutant power?

Cortez: Well, actually it's... uh... Hey, look over there! (He points over Wolverine's shoulder.)

Wolverine (turning to look): Huh? What?

(Cortez turns and runs for an escape shuttle. Wolverine turns back to see his opponent gone.)

Wolverine: Figures I'd get the mutant whose only power is to run like a coward from any battle. (He looks around the battlefield for fresh blood.) All right, who's next?!

(Back by the Spice Girls, Nightcrawler is busily teleporting around a mutant with a huge nose. The accompanying smell of sulfur rises with each teleport [author's note: Yes, I know this as a fact. I was a huge comic book nerd a few years back.], and soon, the large-nosed mutant is passed out on the ground. Nightcrawler stops teleporting, the strain obviously tiring him.)

Posh (holding her nose): My God! Did you shit yourself while you were teleporting or something?

Scary: I honestly think that thing coming out of his ass might not be a tail after all... (She pinches her nose for effect.)

(By this point, Wolverine has approached the group. He puts his arm around Nightcrawler.)

Wolverine: Hey elf, these chicks bothering you?

Nightcrawler: They kicked me in the groin, then told me I smelled like shit!

Ginger: We did not! (Long pause.) Oh... wait. We did.

(With a nonchalant swipe of his hand, Ginger's intestines spill out of her belly from three perfectly parallel claw marks. She falls to the ground with a blank stare etched on her face.)

Sporty: Hey! Why did you do that?

Wolverine: Because I haven't killed anything all day. Any others want to try my patience?

(The girls are looking mightily upset at this.)

Baby: Duh!

(With a lightning-quick "SNIKT," Baby's head flies from her body and hits Cyclops in his head with a dull thud.)

Cyclops: Ack!

(Around the battlefield, everything has gone relatively quiet. All of the enemy mutants have either been defeated or have run away. Rogue slowly flies her way over to Wolverine, Nightcrawler, and the Spice Girls. She is clearly pissed-off about the day's events. Of course, this menacing look doesn't stop some people from commenting...)

Sporty: You know, I've always loved two-toned hair.

Scary: Oh no, here we go again.

(Wolverine ignores this and lights a cigar. Nightcrawler simply rubs his temples, still tired from the battle.)

Rogue: Excuse me?

Sporty (to Scary and Posh): Look, nearly half of the band's dead. We can all go onto solo careers. Let me have some fun now, eh?

Posh: Fine. Just don't drag us into your little fantasies anymore.

(Sporty grins and nods furiously, then runs over to Rogue.)

Sporty (using one of her best pick-up lines): Hey baby, when I think of you, I want to sing a Doors song.

Rogue (rolling her hand into a fist and speaking through clenched teeth): What?

Sporty (grinning widely, and about to deliver the follow-up line): "Touch Me."

(There is a long awkward silence before Rogue punches her arm through Sporty's stomach.)

Rogue (yelling): Is that good enough?! Huh?! Want me to touch you again?! (She pulls out and rams her arm through the left side of Sporty's chest, despite the slight shaking of Sporty's head at the question.) Everyone wants me to touch them! Every last damned man I meet hits on me! Well, God damn it, I can't take it anymore! Why can't you damned guys just leave me alone when I'm not interested?!?

(Sporty's body slides off Rogue's arm and falls limply to the ground. Scary and Posh stare in mild interest.)

Posh: You know, um... Miss? I hate to break it to you, but that wasn't a man...

Scary: Shush! The jury's still out on that... and I'm sure as hell not examining the body to find out.

(Before another flurry of violence can erupt, Cyclops makes his way over to the crowd holding Baby's severed head in his hands.)

Cyclops: Someone care to explain this?

Wolverine (obviously thinking of a good excuse): Uh... she was trying to use some hypnotic mutant-powered speech to hurt us? Yeah, that's it... so I had to slice her head off.

Cyclops: And you cut her brain out while you were at it?

Wolverine (genuinely surprised): What? No, of course not.

Cyclops: Then why is her head empty? (He shakes it up and down as a demonstration. Wolverine merely shrugs.) And did it ever occur to you that this is one of the hostages we were trying to save? You and Rogue have managed to kill three of them! And they're not even mutants! They don't have any powers at all! (He turns to look at Scary and Posh, who are standing nervously still.) Do you?

Scary: As a matter of fact...

Posh: ...We have GIRL POWER!

Scary & Posh: Yay! GIRL POWER!

Cyclops: ...Right.

Wolverine: Come on, Cyke... they're evil.

Nightcrawler: They allied themselves with Magneto for the purposes of greed. They should probably be punished.

Cyclops: Look, that's just not something we should get in the habit of doing. (He casually tosses Baby's head over his shoulder.) Now, let's get these two onto the Blackbird and to safety.

(Wolverine, Rogue, and Nightcrawler exchange glances, then nod.)

Wolverine: Hey Cyke... you've got something on your visor.

Cyclops: What? Wolverine, I'm not falling for the same trick you pulled on me four times when we tried to rescue N'Sync from that angry mob...

Rogue: No, Scott, he's right. There's a huge glob of something on your visor lens. Maybe that guy with the big nose squirted it there during the fight.

Cyclops: Really?

Nightcrawler: Oh yes. It looks very ugly. You should probably take it off and clean it right away.

Cyclops: Well... okay... but no tricks while my visor's off! I don't want to be responsible for the extinction of another lousy pop group...

(He turns around to face a blank wall so that his uncontrollable optic blasts will not hurt anyone without his visor on, and carefully removes the ruby quartz shield that controls his optic beams. He begins to rub the lens.)

Wolverine (yelling): Oh my God, she just took off all her clothes!

Cyclops (turning around): What? She did?

(As he turns around, his wide open eyes lock on Scary and send her flying against a far wall with a mighty blast of red. She is literally flattened by the force of the blast. Quickly, Cyclops closes his eyes and puts his visor back on.)

Posh: Oh my...

Cyclops: Damn it! How many times have I told you not to do that to me! I swear, I won't fall for that little joke of yours ever again!

Rogue: Sugar, you said that the last four times.

Posh: Can I go now?

Cyclops: Yes, let's get you to the jet. (He yells.) Gambit!

(Gambit, his ego still shattered from Rogue's rejection and lies, walks slowly to Cyclops and Posh.)

Gambit (begrudgingly): What?

Cyclops: Take this girl over to the Blackbird. We're rescuing her. We're going to stay here and clean up.

Gambit (sighing): Right.

(He takes Posh by the arm and leads her out of the complex and towards the Blackbird, parked on the lawn outside.)

Posh (for once, acting slightly empathic): Is something bothering you?

Gambit: Well... (He sniffles.) I was lied to today by a woman I cared about... then she rejected me... then she said I wasn't all that attractive or charismatic at all...

Posh: And?

Gambit: And what?

Posh: Well, tell me something I don't know.

Gambit (stopping and turning to Posh): So you don't find me appealing at all either?

Posh: Oh, hell no. My husband has more charm than you, and he's got a sloping forehead with a pea-sized brain.

Gambit (obviously infuriated, but holding his anger in): Tell me something... (He pulls out a deck of cards.) Do you like playing "Running With Cards"?

Posh: Can't say I ever played it before... never heard of it, actually.

Gambit: Oh, it's an easy game. I just hand the deck of cards to you, and you run as far as you can with them in sixty seconds.

Posh: Oh, that sounds so stupid...

Gambit: The winner gets a million dollars.

Posh: You're on!

(Gambit smiles and rubs the entire deck of cards with his mutant charging power. He then hands it to Posh, who dashes immediately away from Gambit and toward an empty field. After sixty seconds, Posh is but a small speck on the horizon. Off in the distance, Gambit sees her stop and jump in the air for joy at the distance she just ran. Then, she is silenced as a small mushroom cloud and accompanying BOOM fill the area in which she was just standing. Scraps of designer clothing rain down from the sky in a perfectly circular 100 ft. radius in relation to the blast.)

Gambit: What a shame...

(The remaining X-Men run out to Gambit.)

Cyclops: What was that noise?

Gambit: Er.... Fourth of July fireworks...

Cyclops: Oh.

(Everyone walks on board the Blackbird and prepares to fly back home.)

Wolverine: Hey, where's the slut?

Gambit: She... uh... ran off. (quickly changing topics) Where's Magneto?

Nightcrawler: He left the battle halfway through... said something about going to Hollywood and making a movie with that Usual Suspects director...

Rogue: Oh, is that where he went?

Cyclops: Yep. Anyone know what kind of movie it's going to be?

Gambit: Yeah, I heard about it... they just kept saying it wasn't going to be a comic book movie... whatever the hell that means.

Wolverine: Eh, they'll probably fuck up royally and really miscast the main character.

Rogue: Maybe they'll screw up casting with some supporting characters too.

Cyclops: Well, it's not our problem... what say we all go home? I think the professor and Jean might be in trouble. I heard them both screaming over the intercom channel in Professor X's office a few minutes ago via the Blackbird's communicator.

(And with that, the Blackbird flies off into the sunset...)


Trademark and copyright 1999, CloudVader Productions. Do not reproduce without giving the author, Cloud Volpe, due credit.

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