This is more of an in-joke for club members, but I'm in a pisser of a mood – with too many deadlines about to be missed – so I decided to take a bit of R&R by handing out a good unrestrained flame to a foul-mouthed little cow of a Spice lover, just to cheer myself up!
Actually, let's forget that she's a Spice-lover. There's nothing wrong with that, per se. She's just a foul-mouthed little cow!
Picture, if you will, a normal street in a normal city in a normal country on a normal planet.
You might think, when looking at this street, that the eyes and ears of the walls had heard and seen everything -- but you would be wrong!
Eyes don't Hear and Ears don't See, Dumbo!
Sheesh! We've gotta go for a better class of reader!
This particular street, however, thought that it had indeed seen and heard everything.
What?
Oh, stop splitting bloody hairs!
Yes, of course I know that streets are simple assemblages of stone and mortar and wood and steel, and could never attain the level of sentience that we call 'thinking'!
Have you never heard of artistic license?
On the back of my one, it reads: 'The artist herein named is permitted to apply anthropomorphic principles to anything he damned well feels like!'
So There!
The street thought that it had seen and heard everything, ok?
... But that was before today...
Today the street was going to learn that there are worse things in the world than multiple-car pile-ups that leave ten-yard wide pools of blood on the road.
Today it would learn that the gas explosion that tore the front wall off of the adult bookshop – spreading dildoes and inflatable women all around for the kids to play with or sell to their older siblings – was a minor event, in the major scheme of things ...
Today, the street would become part of ...
(*** Dramatic pause ***)
The Katie Zone!
The little girl walked happily down the sunny street, looking in the store windows.
"SHIT FUCK ASSHOLE GOOD FUCKEN SHIT IN THESE ASSHOLE FUCKEN SHOPS!" she commented, gaily.
In a side street between two of the stores, he lurked.
Under his arm was a bag full of pornographic literature involving children.
He considered himself a hunter, and he had seen his prey.
He watched the girl. His lips were trembling with anticipation. A string of yellow drool was dripping through his blackened teeth and down his chin, as she approached.
"Hey, kid!" he hissed, as she reached the alley. "In here! I've got somethin' to show ya!"
"WHATCHA FUCKEN GOT, YA SHIT-FACED ASSWIPE FUCKEN HOMO?" Katie bantered merrily, as she skipped daintily (well, daintily for such a fat kid, anyway) into the alley.
"Do you know the differences between boys and girls, little girl?" the 'hunter' asked, breathing heavily.
"FUCKEN SURE I FUCKEN DO, YA ASSWIPE FUCKEN SHIT-FACE HOMO!" Katie smiled. "YA FUCKEN WANT I SHOULD SUCK YER FUCKEN COCK, ASSHOLE? MY FUCKEN ASSWIPE BRUDDERS SHOWED ME HOW TA FUCKEN DO IT, AN' I'M FUCKEN GOOD!"
Terror struck into the heart of the 'hunter'. Dropping his bag of dirty books, he turned and ran, jabbering all the way.
"FUCKEN HOMO!" Katie commented; and she resumed her stroll.
A little further along the road, a group of girls was coming out of an hotel.
"I don't get it," said Melanie. "What are we supposed to be doing, again?"
"God, you're so thick, sometimes!" Victoria informed her. She pointed down the street. "See that corner, over there? Well, just around that corner is the reader's favourite SGDVD story."
"So all we have to do," Mel Heebiegeebie added, "is walk around there, and we'll be in that story, right?"
"That's right," Victoria agreed. "What's so hard to understand?"
"What
I don't understand..." Emma pouted, "... is why we can't stop at the cake shop first! It's on the way!"
"Don't you think your arse is fat enough already?" Melanie sneered. "What do you need cakes for?"
"I'll give you 'fat arse', you bloody beanpole!" Emma snapped back. "I'll...."
"FUCKEN ACE FUCKEN EPIC FUCKEN YOU'RE THE FUCKEN SPICE GIRLS!" the little fat kid said, interrupting Emma's train of thought. "I'M YOUR FUCKEN BIGGEST FAN!"
The Girls looked at her, disgusted.
"Do you have to use that kind of language?" Melanie grimaced.
"Yeah, that's no way for a little girl to talk," agreed Emma.
"WHATT'RE YOU, FUCKEN HOMOS?" Katie enquired. "I FUCKEN SMARTER THAN FUCKEN EVERBODY, SO I FUCKEN TALK RIGHT AN' ALLA THE FUCKEN ASSWIPE HOMOS FUCKEN TALK WRONG!"
She took hold of Mel Heebiegeebie's hand. Mel snatched it away.
"Don't touch!" she barked; and she shoved the foul-mouthed fan away.
Katie stumbled out into the road, where a speeding number 37 bus conveniently ploughed into her, squashing her flat between her chest and her thighs.
"FUCKEN OUCH!" she complained. "THAT FUCKEN SMARTS!"
"Oo-er!" said Mel Heebiegeebie. "Do you think I'll get into trouble for this?"
Melanie walked over to the flattened fatty.
"She's still alive!" she announced. "Should we get her some help?"
"FUCKEN RIGHT YOU SHOULD FUCKEN GET ME SOME FUCKEN HELP, YA FUCKEN ASSWIPE FUCKEN HOMO!" Katie moaned, miserably.
"
Don't call me a
Homo!" Melanie stamped on Katie's head, punctuating her words.
"Bit touchy today, aren't we?" Mel asked her.
"Oh, well that's really put the icing on the cake!" Victoria snapped.
"Cake?" Emma gave up trying to remember what she had been saying, at the sound of the word.
"Oh, shut up, Emma!" Victoria hissed.
A truckload of nuclear waste finished off the job of steamrolling Katie's prostrate form.
"We'd better get out of here, quick!" said Melanie; and they hurried around the corner to the story, arguing and bitching all the way.
"FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK fuck fuck....." said the bloody mess in the road.
FIN
vs.