By Mark van Engeland

Groetjes?  What the Hell is a groetjes?

The articles all open in new windows, so you can simply close them to return to this index.

Language-related articles
Tactical Linguistics How to get the Dutch to let you learn to speak Dutch! (features the Blackadder spoof)
Making Noises Not the Ministry of Silly Walks (features the Goon Show spoof).
Bilingual Gibberish! How to write poetry that makes very little sense in two languages.
Talkin' Proper! Where (not) to start from, when learning a new language.
Where of? Something's missing...

Travel/sights-related articles
Getting Around, Part 1 MARCONIPLEIN!!!  AAAARGH!!!
Getting Around, Part 2 Dutch roads, and how to survive them (maybe).
Getting Around, by Bike Oh, my aching    CENSORED    

Food-related articles
FEED ME! Initial impressions (features the introduction of super-agent double-O PS).
FEED ME MORE! Initial impressions (features the Dutch 'Friends', and the return of super-agent double-O PS).
FEED ME FESTIVELY! How to stuff yourself silly (with the help of super-agent double-O PS).

Varie
Televisuals Big Brother is not worth watching, you!
The Dotted Line... How to pay a fortune for absolutely nothing!
Another Dotted Line... Bureaucracy: The paperwork nectar of the Gods (type 473#10-bnc/4 supreme beings).
Infected! Of shoes and ships and sealing wax, and the fur from bloody cats!
The Road Ahead A true English translation of a song that was written by Dutchmen in English.
Rötterdamerung! The Euro has arrived!

...And there's a lot more where that came from!
Let's face it: the Netherlands may not be the biggest country in the world, but there's plenty here to keep an idiot like me in material for a long, long time!
Argumentative Netherlander :  No, there isn't!
van Engeland :  Yes, there is!
Most of the land in the country may be flat, but that is no reflection of the people or their customs, nor their ways.
Dutch society is very complex; the social structure is far more complicated and humane than in many other countries; and, although people here seem to prefer the simple life, they do so for meticulously thought-out and intelligent reasons.  This makes it somewhat more difficult to satirise the Dutch effectively (cheap shots are always easy, with any race) than, say, the British or Americans (and there's no need to satirise the French at all!); but you can rest assured that I'll manage!
Argumentative Netherlander :  No, you won't!
van Engeland :  Oh, shut up!

 

 

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