? |
| ?: | a Wallace gromit. |
<grump>
A special thank-you to David for the above. I really, really needed to have to include punctuation marks in the dictionary.
</grump> |
A |
| Aadvark: | a knife-wielding Mancunian vark. |
| Abbreviation: | what a cockney uses 'is lungs for. |
| Abduct: | minor pipe in one's midriff. |
| Abroad: | it's a woman, innit. |
| Acne: | Scottish form of negation. |
| Additive: | tendency to overuse it. |
| Address: | female viper. |
| Adduct: | minor pipe in a plumbing system. |
| Adjudant (n): | an insect in the legal profession. |
| Admiral: | isn't Alexander a nice chap! |
| Adumbrate: | cost of replying to spam. |
| Advancement (n): | 1. a proposal to suggest using a vehicle to deliver a concrete company's promotional flyers 2. adhesive used for attaching promotional material to vehicles. |
| Adversary: | lyrics to a commercial. |
| Adverse (n): | 1. a rhyming advertisement. 2. to increase the length of a poem by one stanza. |
| Advert: | partially colour-blind. |
| Affect (v): | effect an effect. |
| After Life: | insurance policy collected by one's heirs. |
| After-Dinner Mint: | crucifixion tree. |
| Aftermath: | Geography. |
| Aftershock: | a smack on the head. |
| Agitator: | communist propaganda written on a spud. |
| Algorithm(v): | 1. encourage others to record their drum strokes for posterity. 2. a method of deciding whose turn it is to be drummer. 3. A kind of musical beat characterised by the runners-up in American presidential elections. |
| Alp: | a shouted request for assistance while skiing. |
| Alphabet: | the most bossy horse in a race. |
| Alpine: | the type of forest you might find here in my part of BCland (the alcedar kind is up the coast a ways). |
| Alternative: | missionary work. |
| Altophobia: | fear of clarinets. |
| Amenditty (thinghy): | a song about sewing. |
| Amenity: | 1. the welcome end of a long church service. 2. a convenient way for a Yorkshireman to declare seriousness of intent. |
| Ammeter (n): | device to tell you if it's morning. |
| Ampifier: | slightlty dodgy electric current. |
| Anarchist: | one who favours vaulted door openings. |
| Andean: | one of a pair. |
| Annoy (n): | uttered by an annoyed Hasid. |
| Annoyance (n): | 1. the action of reaching to switch on the kettle and then changing your mind at the last second. 2. The real reason for which the picnic table was invented. |
| Anode: | Oh, go on, guess |
| Anorka (n): | A large, swimming-type whatsit. |
| Antarctic (n): | a very cold insect. |
| Antedate (n): | an insect who has used on-line dating. |
| Antepenult: | a penult who is plagiarised by another penult |
| Antibably: | unlikely. |
| Antichrist: | the religious founder of insects. |
| Anticlimactic (n): | an insect for whom the earth has just moved. |
| Anticlimax (n): | Vatican roulette. |
| Antidepressant (n): | a resolutely cheerful insect. |
| Antigone: | your father's sister has left the building. |
| Antipasti: | insect-filled ravioli. |
| Antipodean (n): | a lethal insect. |
| Antipodean (n): | the type of insect that carries an MP3 player. |
| Antiquay: | a structure which all physicists and sailors know repels boats and ships, dictionaries and apihna habitues. |
| Antiquayty: | the opposite of a quay. |
| Antonym (n): | an insect adopting an Irish surname. |
| Antrum (n): | an insect's drink. |
| Apihna: | Cockney inquiry after one's welfare. |
| Apihnanated: | to extol the virtues of correct grammar and punctuation. |
| Apostrope (n): | The piece of cord that Judas Iscariot used to hang himself. |
| Apostrophe (n): | Prize awarded to those who lose their faith. ~s: loving cups bestowed by the Association for the Prevention of Osculation |
| Apotrophised: | made a winner's cup out of an old flowerpot. |
| Approximate (n): | someone you hire to service your partner while you're away on a business trip. |
| Arbitrate: | 1. (v) : to decide on the best Internet connection speed for Devon. 2. (n) what we get paid for not playing the starring role in a movie. |
| Arbitrator: | a cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. |
| Arbitrator: | a cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's |
| Archive (n): | where Noah stored his bees. |
| Areola (n): | A desirable type of greeting when outdoors in Spain. |
| Arkansas: | what Noah used to make his boat. |
| Arrangement: | a brief recovery in progressive dementia. |
| Ash: | 1. a truncated sneeze. 2. a bottom, as far as Sean Connery is concerned. |
| Asp: | a donkey with a speech defect. |
| Aspen (adj): | abreast of things. |
| Asseverate (v): | to sign a letter with a friendly complimentary closing. |
| Assonance: | kill time (US). |
| Atone: | sound of a pitchfork. |
| Austria: | back-end of large, non-flying bird. |
| Autistic: | self-adhesive. |
| Autograph: | route map. |
| Automata: | involuntary exclamation on seeing a vegetable. |
| Automobile (n): | 1. a self-propelling hanging decorative scuplture 2. crowd dynamics. |
| Automotive (n): | the habit of acting before you think. |
| Avoidable: | what a bullfighter tries to do. |
| Avoidable: | what a bullfighter tries to do. |
B |
| B: | 1. A 2. ontological imperative (2nd p. sing.). |
| Bad News: | news. |
| Bad-moth (n): | acherontia atropos |
| Baguette (n): | small hand-carried container. |
| Ballpeen (n): | The wrong appendage. |
| Baloney: | where some hemlines fall. |
| Baloney: | where some hemlines fall. |
| Banana: | degree in Newfoundland child care. |
| Bandolier (n): | 1. Robbie Robertson looking at an attractive woman 2. an Irish production of Shakespeare, closed by the censor. |
| Bank: | a mammonary gland. |
| Barbecue (n): | a waiting line of anatomically improbable dolls. |
| Barfly (adv): | 1. in a regurgitative manner. 2. (v/n) to regurgitate while/whilst telling an untruth. |
| Barometer (n): | device for detecting the presence of unemployed arts graduates |
| Barrage: | 1. when little girls are given tutus 2.(n) law school party 3. the legal union of two cold-sufferers 4. (n) dry-roasted peanuts, when a friendly discussion in the pub becomes heated |
| Bassetlaw: | just rewards. |
| Basturd: | piscine feces. |
| Batik: | echo location. |
| Beatitude: | posture assumed by a counterculture poet before addressing the Happening. |
| Beijing: | gradually changing colour to light brown. |
| Bellicose: | 1. the aggressive feeling one gets when one is knocked out by a campanologist. 2. an abdomen warmer. |
| Bernadette: | the act of torching a mortgage. |
| Bestiality: | selecting the finest of everything. |
| Bestiality: | selecting the finest of everything. |
| Bi-homophonic (n): | A person who has intimate relations with monaural microphones of either sex. |
| Bichon Frise: | unpleasant woman encased in ice. |
| Bigamist: | an Italian fog |
| Bignalistics (n): | the mathematical study of alcoholic liquid measures. |
| Bignall (v): | to make grand gesticulations signifying nothing. |
| Binding: | the satisfying sound made by junk mail. |
| Binomial: | what protesters chant outside McDonalds. |
| Bishop: | second-hand stall. |
| Black runs: | what you get from those little nibbles at apres ski parties. |
| Blatant: | insect squashed in a Batman & Robin style. |
| Bondage (n): | 1. An abundance of 007 literature. 2. the marks in one's diary that count down the days to the pay-out date of one's investments |
| Borage (n): | the art of sending people to sleep by talking at them. |
| Border Collie: | vegetable less inspired |
| Boston: | weight of managerial directive. |
| Brandy: | given to wearing clothes with prominent designer labels. |
| Bream: | a shining ray of light. |
| Briard: | an ancient French cheese. |
| Broad-minded (adj): | all the chaps round here. |
| Broadband: | a female orchestra. |
| Broadcast: | a fishing programme for women. |
| Broadcloth: | the material covering a broadside. |
| Broadsheet (n): | bodily function performed by an Italian-American female. |
| Broadside: | hip |
| Broadway: | a mystery. |
| Brown: | the last in a series of n brows. |
| Brows: | 1. to forage for E's 2. Freeserve Anytime's damn two-hour cutoff again. |
| Buggery: | an unhealthy interest in cockroaches. |
| Bummalo: | a small boat propelled by the power of the buttocks. |
| Burglarize: | what a crook sees with. |
| Button: | The standard unit of mass for sumo wrestlers' derrieres. |
| By-laws: | legislation that makes it okay to get away from the wife's mother. |
C |
| CAPS LOCK: | a button which selects a rugby player for an international match. |
| Cabinet: | device for capturing a taxi driver. |
| Cannibal: | tinned peanuts. |
| Cannon: | ex-clergyman (he was fired) |
| Cantaloupe: | 1. the reason melons don't run away to get married 2. a whiny magnifying glass. |
| Cantata: | Spuds inna tin. |
| Carbolics (n): | 1. A person euphemistically making an awful mess of buying a used automobile. 2. A person addicted to charcoal-based stomach remedies. |
| Carpathian: | a fish without god. |
| Castration (n): | a pie and a pint at lunchtime for the stand-ins. |
| Catastrophe: | 1. possessive it's. 2. degeneration of feline buttocks. 3. The result of stuffing your moggy and mounting its head on the wall of your den. |
| Catceleration: | the motion of a feline in response to the sound of a can being opened. |
| Cathode: | a poem about Katherine. |
| Celibate: | the inability to reproduce such a salad. |
| Chair lift: | what Thora Hird advertised. (Yes, yes: Churchill, not Stannah....) |
| Chalcedony (n): | obsession with the fate of a Stuart monarch, as suffered by Mr Dick in Dickens' _David Copperfield_. |
| Chaplain (n): | 1. black tea served at the vicarage 2. a bloke after intercourse. |
| Chapminded: | the abrasions obtained from too much broad thinking. |
| Character: | Robert de Niro. |
| Chastenographer: | 1. a virginal typist. 2. (v) reprimand one who takes dictation. |
| Check out: | 1. to cover with squares. 2. to see if it's raining. 3. to stop Willy Out from scoring a try. |
| Chihuahua: | very subtle sound effect on electric guitar. |
| China (n): | country that tried being Greek-letter-shaped but decided it wasn't suited to it. |
| Chow Chow: | Italian for "bye bye" |
| Chrished: | obtaomed by panhandling at aorports? |
| Chronology: | same thing as Horology, but without the teeth. |
| Circumcision: | the removal of a nobleman (see Countdown, Deduction, Discount, Regicide). |
| Claw: | 1. a rule concerning scraping through exams 2. the law of averages. |
| Clog: | a reasonable report. |
| Closet socialist (n): | a friendly person who likes company while on the crapper. |
| Coaxial cable (n): | a tube through which the sound of a frog's croak is transmitted. |
| Cocker Spaniel: | specific form of bestiality. |
| Cocotte: | a warm fizzy drink. |
| Col: | see ALP. |
| Coleslaw: | regulation of fossil fuel. |
| Colonnade (n): | a fizzy enema. |
| Colorado: | what the decorator does when painting a room for a party. |
| Combat: | an aggressive marsupial. |
| Commentator (n): | an Idaho spud. |
| Commingling (n): | The sound made by one of those bells on a shop door as somebody enters. |
| Competence: | pre-event stress. |
| Complementary Pair: | My, you have such nice its! |
| Concoct: | 1. a prisoner gone wrong 2. An eight-nosed prisoner. |
| Concomitant (n): | 1. member of a jail's ruling clique 2. the prisoner has family in the French Socialist Party. |
| Concorde: | 1. an airplane built with prison labor 2. a rope (perhaps of sheets, escape, for the purpose of). |
| Concupiscence: | supplying every prisoner with a urine-sample collector. |
| Concur: | To agree to a scheme to defraud a dog. |
| Concurrent: | power for electric chair. |
| Condign: | prisoners eating appropriate food. |
| Condolence: | 1. so sad your guy is in the slammer 2. to lay about a prison cell. |
| Condom (n): | 1.Prisoner's head protector 2.Toughest prisoner on the cell-block 3. a sexual pastime of perverted prison guards. |
| Conduct (n): | a ventilation tunnel, tube, or pipe at a prison. |
| Conductor: | a prison inmate who installs/repairs heating vents. |
| Conflagration: | a limit placed on the number of pennants allowed per convict. |
| Conflict: | a prisoner caught by a gendarme. |
| Confucius: | flowers grown by a prisoner. |
| Confused: | death-row prisoner the second after the switch is thrown. |
| Confusion: | 1. a prison riot 2. (n) nuclear physics experiments conducted (sic) by criminals |
| Connecticut: | after I slice the end of my finger off. |
| Connive: | prisoner's eating implement |
| Consanguinity (n): | state of a prisoner's blood-doning capability. |
| Conscience (thingy): | 1. The principles used by the successful grifter. 2. The advantages of using a systematic study of the nature and behaviour of the material and physical universe. |
| Conscript: | a begging letter. |
| Consequence: | a chain gang. |
| Conservatory: | Jeffrey Archer's ISP. |
| Conserve: | a prisoner's ISP. |
| Conserving: | doling out slop to prisoners. |
| Consider: | to spend years repenting one's crime. |
| Considerable: | criminal's unruly entourage. |
| Consign: | mask, striped jersey, bag marked "SWAG". |
| Conspicuous (thinghy): | a racial slur directed at a prison inmate. |
| Constable: | in prisons, what a lot of the inmates gather around. |
| Constitution: | prison rules |
| Construe: | 1. Queen's (State's) evidence 2. to litter the ground with prisoners. |
| Contact: | not mentioning to a fellow prisoner that he has spinach on his teeth. |
| Contango: | a dance to the Music of Time. |
| Contemplate: | 1. produce identi-kit picture of how you think a crook looks 2. overtime at the Scrubs Secretarial Agency. |
| Contempt: | worked for the Scrubs Secretarial Agency. |
| Contingent: | Ned Kelly |
| Contrapuntal: | Guerrilla river crossing. |
| Control: | a short, ugly inmate. |
| Controlling: | sending provocative articles to prison newsgroups. |
| Controvesially: | in a manner that is against containers. |
| Contusion: | injury sustained in a prison riot. |
| Conundrum (n): | the mystery of how Sister Joan and Sister Esther got to be so good at playing the bongos. |
| Conurbation: | filling the country with crooks. |
| Convalescence: | a stay in the prison hospital. |
| Convenience: | the toilet in a prison cell. |
| Converse (n): | 1. a fraudulent adverse 2. to feel a strong like or inclination 3. poetry written for the prison newspaper 4. Weller and iller prisoner. |
| Conversion: | 1. becoming a completely different kind of crook 2. the identifying number assigned to a release of pirated software 3. a strong like or inclination. |
| Conviction: | guilty verdict. |
| Coontent (n): | a temporary canvas structure in which raccoons live. |
| Copies: | police cadets. |
| Copulative verb (n.phr): | a verb that will almost always fuck your first attempts at learning grammatical object and subject. |
| Corollary: | a Toyota dealership. |
| Countdown: | the removal of a certain nobleman (see Circumcision, Deduction, Discount, Regicide). |
| Countercultural (n): | an agent which inhibits the growth of bacteria. |
| Counterfeiters: | workers who put together kitchen cabinets. |
| Cowboy: | a bovine with a gender issue discrepancy. |
| Coyote (adjectival-thingy): | a shy grain. |
| Cranial: | displaying the traits of a master criminal. |
| Crap: | street shanties. |
| Crash: | a skin disease caused by exposure to 5 GHz microwaves. |
| Craveat Emptor: | buyer of the necktie (e.g. of the gods). |
| Creating: | despising native Americans. |
| Creche: | a car accident in Knightsbridge. |
| Cricket (n): | a game in which most of the matches seem to be tests, but no team is good enough to pass, as they have to play more test matches the following season. |
| Croissant: | something to rest your coffee on. |
| Cross product: | An angry jar of Marmite (tm). |
| Cross-dresser (n): | 1. someone who is attempting to don clothes that don't fit. 2. Roman who makes scarecrows. |
| Crosspost: | a flame. |
| Crossposted: | 1. submitted to a newsgroup while the writer was feeling angry and irritable 2. a guy named Theodore who does the above. |
| Crossword Puzzle: | Damn! How did that happen? |
| Crossword: | 1. Damn! 2. Crossword: green. 3. Crossword: lama. |
| Cryptorchid: | place to hide one's flowers before the vasectomist arrives. |
| Cunnilingus: | a clever Irish feller. |
| Cunnilingus: | a clever Irish feller. |
| Curvette (thinghy): | a small arc. |
D |
| Dactyl (n): | prehistoric bird's arse. |
| Dallas: | what a Jamaican calls his daughter. |
| Dandelion (n): | a large, trendy feline-about-town. |
| Deacon: | unrecidivise a prisoner. |
| Death: | to remove an ath (cf. Michael Erstone). |
| Debar: | a room in an Irish pub. |
| Debark: | the noise of an Irish dog. |
| Debit: | the small part of something in Ireland. |
| Debriefs: | an Irish pair of pants. |
| Debris (n): | ceremonial reattachment of foreskin. |
| Debugger: | an unpleasant Irishman. |
| Deceased: | 1. reanimated; a reanimated corpse, one risen from the dead, a vampire. 2. a double negative meaning to carry on with what you were doing. |
| Decelerated: | the way I prefer salad. |
| Decellarate: | fetch the wine. |
| Decide: | to become impartial. |
| Decrease: | whatta the Italian has upa de front ofa hees besta pants. |
| Deduction: | the removal of another nobleman (see Circumcision, Countdown, Discount, Regicide). |
| Defenestrate (vt): | 1. the act of installing linux. 2. the act of abolishing all Intel-designed-CPU boxes, for example as has always been the situation at the Kent-based establishment known as "Château John". |
| Define: | to withdraw a demand for monetary compensation for illegal activities. |
| Delicatessen (n): | 1. an easily breakable purveyor of cured and smoked meats 2. where Germans go to eat curried felines. |
| Delight: | to extinguish a candle. |
| Demand: | to have had a sex change, from male to female. |
| Demise: | to make a rich person very generous. |
| Denislaw: | a law of nature by which one's downfall is brought about by a once-favoured son. |
| Denominator: | person who proposes a candidate for election. |
| Departmental: | leucotomy. |
| Dependant (n): | small social insect with strong swimming skills. |
| Dervish (adj; probably mainly Leftpondian): | rather like diesel oil. |
| Descend (vi): | to reach down to the floor in order to pick up a pen that has rolled off the edge of your table |
| Describe: | deprive a king of his historian. |
| Deserve: | to remove all food and cutlery from a table. |
| Desisted: | state of having one's female sibling run off with the milkman. |
| Desive: | what de dyslexic Yankee carpenter uses to hold de wood for sawing. |
| Device: | 1. what de carpenter uses to hold de wood for sawing 2. how the carpenter releases wood, once sawn. |
| Devise: | what de Yankee carpenter uses to hold de wood for sawing. |
| Devolution (n): | the process by which the Alphabet People decided on their own that the letter "d" should lose some of its curliness when made upper-case. |
| Diagnosis (n): | failure to understand what's wrong with the patient, despite a second medical opinion. {ety: di- *two* + a- *not, negation* + gnosis *knowledge*} |
| Diagnostic (n arch.): | 1. a test to support a claim that the accused ought to be burnt for heresy. 2. a person uncertain of the answer to two questions. 3. a repetitive muscle spasm caused by the suspense of waiting to hear what the doctor says. 4. a crossword puzzle with no horizontal and/or vertical clues. |
| Diarrhoea (US diarrhea): | pelling invented by teachers to catch out kids who forge sick notes. |
| Dicey die (n): | rather posh barn dance move. |
| Dichotomy: | the cradle of the Welsh. |
| Dictionary: | the circumstance that arises when Richard ignores Harold. |
| Diktat: | kitsch accessories sold by a sex shop. |
| Dilator: | an expanding spud. |
| Dilute (n): | Welsh player of an old stringed instrument. |
| Diode: | a famous Welsh poet. |
| Dipsomane: | one obsessed by sewing at the beach. |
| Dipthongs: | footwear commonly found at the beach. |
| Diptongs: | implements for removing big toes from scalding batwater. |
| Direction: | Dodi's last stand. |
| Disappear: | a Dutch fisherman's answer to the question. |
| Disbelief: | Satanism. |
| Disclose: | 1. to put a CD on a cluttered desk and then be unable to find it later when it's needed. 2. Just how near you can get to a wiseguy before you're in trouble. 3. Singular form of "dese clothes". 4. Term to describe the attire of a deceased member of the British Royal Family. 5. the final thoughts of Dodi Al-Fayed. 6. What happened on the Boulevard Peripherique in Paris on August 31, 1997. |
| Discombobulation: | 1. The joy Robert feels as he donates sperm. 2. a howl brought on by an explosion in a 70s nightclub. 3. the cry of joy emitted by one who successfully purchases only one part of a package deal. |
| Discontent (n): | 1. A DJ's box of records etc.. 2. not what's recorded on a Digital Audio Tape 3. a glum dance party held under canvas 4 (v) to fire one's writers, or to slag off their writing 5. how frisbee enthusiasts gently - but hilariously - rouse sleeping campers early on Sunday mornings 6. empty 7. Loud music and dancing at the campsite 8. opposite of datcontent. |
| Discount: | the removal of yet another nobleman (see Circumcision, Countdown, Regicide). |
| Discrepancy: | gainful employment in the computer mass storage industry. |
| Discrete (v): | 1. to bad-mouth Greek islands 2. proprietary brand cement remover. |
| Discuss (n phrase): | 1. this swear word, right here, Pal. Anyone got a problem widdat? 2. (v) stop swearing. |
| Disintegration: | failing a Maths exam. |
| Dismay (v): | o bad-mouth months of the year |
| Dismember (v): | to bad-moth people belonging to a group, club, or organisation |
| Disourse (n): | not the same as dat 'orse over dere. |
| Dispell: | Princess Orthography. |
| Dispicable: | the inability to remove fruit from its plant or tree. |
| Distress (v): | the occupation of a barber. |
| Diverse (n): | Poetry about the late Princess of Wales 2. a famous Welsh poet. |
| Dogma: | 1. Korean variation on mild creamy curry dish 2. not just enigma. |
| Dominatrix: | A woman who cheats at dominos. |
| Don Quixote: | a pretentious ass. |
| Dot product: | Something you ordered, but didn't receive, from a dot.com company. |
| Doughnut: | a donut filled with something disgusting. |
| Dr.: | abbreviation for Dirty raincoat. |
| Duty: | a well-earned drink. |
| Dystrophy: | your 'orses 'ead stuffed and mounted on my wall. |
E |
| Earlier: | more royal than a sir. |
| Ebarass (n): | online nudity |
| Ebony: | a skeletal web-site. |
| Ecritoire: | European author of French farces. |
| Effect (n): | common Google misspelling of 'eff etc.' which means "here follows all the swearwords you know, and some you don't. Use your imagination." See also: Ineffable. |
| Einstein (person): | The German chap who got a reputation for buying only the first beer. |
| Elided: | he was firsted 2. he did not told the truth. |
| Elm: | 'ow a wooden ship is steered. |
| Emacs: | long raincoat worn by dirty old men when surfing the internet. |
| Emblematic: | trademarked machine that makes bumper stickers. |
| Emoticon (n): | tearful prisoner. |
| Encyclopedia (n): | 1. commemorative sign in a public loo, recording where Nicholas Syke left a puddle on the floor. 2 (n):disease affecting feet of wannabe Tour de France entrants. |
| Endorse: | 1. ass. 2. equine rear end. 3. half a pantomime horse. |
| Endoscope: | 1. an Italian suppository. 2. out of mouthwash (Can/USA) 3. the maximum extension of a spyglass. |
| Endothermal: | electrically heated knickers. |
| Endow (vt): | to give genital herpes to a man |
| Enpsalmble: | a musical group that plays only religious material. |
| Entry: | a portal for walking, talking trees. |
| Eor (v): | to pooh-pooh the options. |
| Erase (vi): | 1. to level a website to the ground. 2. to install emacs. |
| Ericsson: | Mac and Katie Kissoon's adopted dog (for tax purposes). |
| Escape: | 1. Superman's top. 2. full screen graphic. |
| Etymological (n): | Jamaican with more sensible eating habits. |
| Euri (doodah): | a bender of spoons. |
| European: | something worn by a clog, obviously (see Saboteurs). |
| Evelyn Wood: | malicious tree sprites. |
| Evolution: | the curliness of the letter "e" in lower-case format. |
| Exam: | a has-been. |
| Examination: | 1. a country or state which formerly doubted its existence 2. a former dyslexic cartoon. |
| Examiner: | used to work down t'pit. |
| Example: | a successful slimmer. |
| Exchange: | pre-decimal British currency. |
| Exchequer: | outdated spelling checker. |
| Excited: | previously, but not now, quoted. |
| Excrete: | used to live on a Greek island. |
| Excursive: | repentant user of profane oaths. |
| Execration (n): | downsizing. |
| Execute: | a good-lookin' bird wot used to be a bloke, innit? |
| Exert: | used not to be inert. |
| Exhausted: | retired from the bar. |
| Existential Quantifier: | an angsty accountant. |
| Exoscope: | formerly an Irish 'scope. |
| Expat (n): | an emigrated Irishman. |
| Expectorated Value: | the number of times, expressed as an average, that a baseball player spits during a plate appearance. |
| Explain (n): | one who has undergone successful cosmetic surgery. |
| Express: | 1. former foundry machine 2. former worker in a dry-cleaning establishment. |
| Extern: | a dead sea-bird. |
| Extol: | The amount you have to pay upon leaving a country. |
| Extraction: | additional time on the sports field. |
| Extravaganza: | for when only one vaganza isn't enough (See: Vaganza). |
| Exult: | a dead ult. |
| Eyebrows: | hinterleckshules. |
| Eyedropper: | a clumsy ophthalmologist. |
F |
| Faculty (n scots): | a vanishingly small quantity of a brewed drink. "Woman! There's faculty left in the pot!". |
| Fanatic (noun) : | 1. a person who chooses not to install his/her air- conditioning in the basement, and violently defends the decision. 2. (South African) spelling words the way they sound. |
| Fantastic! (interj.): | A GREAT NEW CARBONATED ORANGE-DRINK THAT ATTACHES TO ANYTHING!!!!!! |
| Far (n): | [in RP] just; a carnival, esp. one with mechanical rides. |
| Farthingale: | small beer giving rise to the expression: "drunk for a penny; dead drunk for twopence". |
| Fate (n): | Wot will 'appen after alotta feats. |
| Feat (n): | When I does alotta finking. |
| Fees (n): | The stuff wot I 'ave 'ere. |
| Felately: | 1. getting your post in 2. having recently tripped. |
| Fell swoop: | hang-gliding manoeuvre. |
| Fellatio: | the proportion of women who trip over during oral sex. |
| Fellatrix: | the way she keeps him amused. |
| Fem (n): | Stuff wot you got there. |
| Feminine: | a girls' baseball team. |
| Ferros: | 1. The disk operating system of the Iron Age. 2. not for them. |
| Fetish (adj): | resembling Greek goat's-milk cheese. |
| Fey (n): | them wot is never singular, or else (see fret). |
| Fido: | ancient Greek plasticine. |
| Fight (v): | Wot I does when I'm not finking. |
| Final resolution: | a decision to accept the answer that appeared most frequently when resolving several times. |
| Fink (v): | Wot I does when I ain't doin' nuffink else. |
| Flagrant lie: | what Japanese golfers get after they hook into the cherry trees. |
| Flatulence (n): | 1. What you feel on downsizing from a house to an apartment. 2. A vehicle to take you to hospital after being run down by a steamroller. |
| Flaw: | a rule forbidding exam failure. |
| Fleming: | posting insults on alt.chat.south-africa. |
| Flesh (adj): | what a Japanese feels like after using their deodolant. |
| Fletcher (v): | to bring, as in, "Fletcher meah ice-cleem." |
| Flip-flop: | political logic. |
| Flyer (n): | a Japanese appliance for cooking potato chips. |
| Flynnery (v): | to behave grumpily in newsgroups. |
| Followup: | what you might, under suitable circumstances, do [to] a poster who was not crossposting, if said poster were of an appropriate gender. |
| Followup: | what you might, under suitable circumstances, do [to] a poster who was not crossposting, if said poster were of an appropriate gender. |
| Forsake (vt): | 1. give up one's favourite geisha in order to have money for one's favourite alcoholic drink. 2. exclamation of disgust, expletive deleted. |
| Fortnight: | 1. a lazy or cowardly cavalier. 2. a cockney response to an unexpected eclipse. 3. The duration of said eclipse. |
| Forwhich (n): | a sandwich with double the normal amount of bread in it |
| Fought (v): | Wot I did yesterday when I wasn't doin' nuffink else. |
| Fragrant: | characteristic odour of a homeless person. |
| Francophile: | dossier on a Spanish dictator. |
| Frank Zappa (n): | a microwave oven. |
| Freelance: | 1. treatment of a boil on the national NHS service. 2. campaign slogan of the "Stop Using Chimpanzees in Children's Shows" campaign. |
| Fret (n): | 'ow I try to convert fem to fees. |
| Frisket: | a strange feeling. |
| Frisky: | state of excitement experienced mostly at airports. |
| Full Point: | what an Irishman gets in a pub, or else! |
| Fump (n): | 'ow vem become vees (if frets dunt work). |
| Furrow (n): | a line of mink coats. |
