S |
| Sabotage: | to throw shoes at the enemy. |
| Sabotaged (wotsit): | a very old clog. |
| Saboteurs: | a Robot Wars team from Johannesburg 2. clog wearing Europeans (see: European). |
| Sagacity: | 1. Odin's birthplace 2. the capital of India's spinach growing region. |
| Samdalwood: | the sexual stimulation arising from smiting statues of a deposed leader with one's footwear. |
| Santa Fe: | The method by which Santa knows who's been naughty and who's been nice. |
| Sargasm: | that which precedes "I'll have what she's having." |
| Sauvage: | a particularly vicious kind of pork product. |
| Scheming: | Simian downhill racer. |
| School run: | brat race. |
| Scofflaw: | a regulation prohibiting piggish eating. |
| Screwdriver: | trucker. |
| Scrotable: | suitable for carrying in a small sac(k). |
| Scrutator: | a spud d'amour. |
| Sealed Privy: | tasteless practical joke. |
| Second serve: | RedHotAnt (the bastards) |
| Seismometer (n): | a device by which USians measure their mothers. |
| Self-abuse: | Fuck off, Will. |
| Self-desire: | to kill one's own father. |
| Self-effacement: | to justly humble oneself by sticking a four-letter word to one's forehead. |
| Self: | autistic pixie. |
| Selfish: | what the owner of a seafood store does. |
| Selinity (n): | 1. what happens to an old dylsexic. 2. (n)What a Japanese feels after meditating. |
| Semantics (n): | se small insects infesting se humans. |
| Servant (n): | A small ISP. |
| Server (n): | The hemming and hawing you must do to get your ISP's attention. |
| Service (n): | 1. the tone of a response to a complaint to your ISP. 2. the reception such an ISP receives. 3. arctic ISP 4. a pornography server. 5. a gripping tale of the Middle Ages. |
| Servicing: | a low-class cake topping. |
| Serviette: | 1, a very small ISP. 2. a Russian ISP. 3. the national ISP of Lichtenstein |
| Servile: | 1. pertaining to an ISP whose usenet facility keeps one off apihna for two months. 2. (see second serve) |
| Servitude: | 1. eating the free CDs given out by ISPs. 2. what leads a waitress to sneer at you as she brings your drink. 3. my edible ISP. |
| Settee: | that which is indicated by a setter. |
| Sever: | farewell to arms (the hemming way). |
| Sewage (n): | the time of life when the kids can start earning their keep by making teatowels. |
| Sex: | what you keep your coal in in Knightsbridge. |
| Sexton: | a very obese, yet erotically attractive, church caretaker. |
| Shaker's Pear (thingy): | a simple piece of wooden folk art. |
| Shameless Plug (n phr.): | when one sits at the wrong end of the bathtub. |
| Shampoo: | novelty imitation dog faeces. |
| Shay: | let's do it in the barn. |
| Sheikh's peer (thingy): | another sheikh. |
| Shelf Life: | insurance policy for the unmarried. |
| Shittah: | not an upshtanding pershon. |
| Shovel: | to push over a Spaniard. |
| Shrink: | where librarians skate. |
| Shunt: | o avoid he use of a cerain leer in one's wriing. |
| Siberian Husky: | permafrog. |
| Silence: | the sound of being buried in an agricultural storage container. |
| Silly: | the lesser spotted eavesdropper. |
| Sine of the Times: | contemporary newspaper's opposite over hypotenuse. |
| Singleton: | 2000 pounds (US) |
| Skilled: | death by snakebite. |
| Slag: | to engage in sexual intercourse with the byproducts of steel manufacture. |
| Slalom: | greetings from an Arab with a speech-impediment. |
| Smee: | s'not him. |
| Smratass: | Russian for "death to donkeys" |
| Smugasbroad: | Scandinavian female superiority. |
| Snack: | tinned David. (reproduced by kind permission of cannibal@lunch). |
| Snee (wotsit): | abortive sneeze. |
| Sneer (n): | 1. one who snees 2. one who snes. |
| Snowman's Land: | a stretch of sidewalk between two businesses, which either takes responsibility for shoveling. |
| Sobriquet: | 1. another name for those charcoal things you can buy from filling stations and are used, e.g., on barbecues 2. a teetotaling feline. |
| Sociological: | an attempt to create a science out of vague guesses. |
| Sodality: | a club for teetotallers. |
| Sodomite: | a lawn pest. |
| Sodomy: | serial turfing. |
| Solipsist (n): | Mouth fetishist. |
| Somersault (n): | an acrobatic expression of joy upon discovering a wide and diverse array of food seasonings. |
| Sound: | hunting dog with a speech defect. |
| Spade: | horse-racing tipsters' guide. |
| Spaniel (n): | loud javascript |
| Sparrow: | line of convenience stores. |
| Specific: | a certain part of a large ocean. |
| Spectator: | a spud with sight problems |
| Spell-binding: | the final task in the printing of a dictionary. |
| Sphincter: | 1. sister of an in-law. 2. an uptight, unmarried woman. 3. An old, unmarried Eqyptian lady. |
| Sphygmometer (n): | device to tell you that your date is not genuine (do not see sphygmomanometer). |
| Spinglish: | the language of politics. |
| Spokesman (n): | someone employed to read press releases announcing how well your bike-riding is coming along. |
| Sporn (v): | to mass advertise over the Internet for pornographic websites. |
| Sporozoans: | Scotch crabs.
|
| Sporozoans: | Scotch crabs. |
| Stagnate: | pretentious prenuptials. |
| Starling: | child celebrity. |
| Started: | a famous Edward. |
| Stealthoscope (n): | instrument for listening to people as they creep up on you from behind. |
| Stereotypical: | just the sort of hi-fi system you'd expect. |
| Sterling: | a small dried cod, used as currency on some Pacific islands. |
| Stet (vt): | o write the word "stet". |
| Still-Life: | insurance policy for teetotallers. |
| Stir-fry: | fishy equivalent of gaol-bird. |
| Stores: | spots you can't get rid of. |
| Studant (n): | badly disguised interloper. |
| Subdued: | like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man. |
| Subliminal message: | A flier placed under one's door. |
| Subordinate Clause (n): | a North Pole labourer who helps Santa at Christmas. |
| Subservant: | (see second serve) |
| Substitute (n): | a below-par call-girl who stands in when your regular isn't feeling too well. |
| Subversive (a): | lousy poetry. |
| Sudafed: | brought litigation against a US government official. |
| Suffer: | little children. |
| Sufferance: | putting up with having your hair washed. |
| Sufferings: | new piercings. |
| Suffest (n): | 1. holiday appended to an existing holiday (e.g. Boxing day) 2. event held in Suffolk. |
| Suffrage: | putting up with growing old. |
| Suffragette: | putting up with air-sickness. |
| Suitable: | a settee, two chairs and something to rest your coffee on. |
| Summer: | an adder from a posh neighbourhood. |
| Sundries: | 1. spices used on tomato(e)s when used as pizza topping: "Large pizza with garlic and sundried tomato(e)s" 2. a not-very-astute observation concerning the dessicating power of the Earth's most local star. |
| Superego: | Batman's conscious mind. |
| Supervise (v): | 1. to look after a woodwork class on the planet Krypton. 2. to undertake a legal action against a peeping tom paedophile. 3. this thing goes through an elephant's leg, man, I'm not kidding! |
| Supplicant (n): | a contortionist insect. |
| Surcharge: | The Knight of the Monetary Fee. |
| Surface: | The Knight of the Kisser. |
| Surfeit: | The Knight of the Walking Deed. |
| Surfing: | the Knight of the Forgotten Name. |
| Surplice: | The Knight of Politeness. |
| Surplus: | The Knight of the Additives. |
| Suspense (wotsit): | 1-penny coin of uncertain provenance. |
| Sycophants: | 1. (adj) exhausted by small insects. 2. (n) Pachiderms that kill people in the shower. 3. (n) Sycophants : Trousers worn by Norman Bates. |
| Synergistic (n): | a small insect which supplies energy for you to do wicked things. |
| Synergy (n): | the amount of effort one is able to put into doing something you shouldn't. |
| Syntax (gangster slang): | extortions associated with prostitution, gambling, &c. |
| Syria: | even *more* rudicrous. |
T |
| T-shirt: | an informal dinner jacket. |
| Tailback: | the opposite of forehead, but facing the other way |
| Taliban: | prohibition on the publishing of casualty lists. |
| Tangent (n): | 1. chap who has just returned from a holiday in the sun 2. perfect tense of tangerine 3. well-bred man who spends too much time in the sun. |
| Tangerine: | I can't believe it's not a garishly coloured butter substitute. |
| Tartarus: | whoresale distributor. |
| Taxing (n): | 1. a musical get-together for small nails 2. alt.transport.cabs 3. .[Pres.Part.} finding it difficult to locate alt.transport.cabs |
| Teetotal: | number of drive shots per round, including misses. |
| Telecast (n): | a meeting to decide which actor will play the new Kojak in the Savalas Story (coming to a syndicated channel near you very soon....). |
| Telecommunications (n): | conversations with Kojak. |
| Telegram (n): | unit of weight used to measure the mass of a Kojak. |
| Telegraph (n): | print out of Kojak's temperature when he is in hospital. |
| Teleport (n): | 1. the part of your computer where you plug in your TV-decoder card. 2. The harbour near Kojak's house. |
| Television: | a nude picture of Savalas. |
| Temp: | one whom one grabs a quick kiss with, and whom one fires if she complains. |
| Temper: | short reminder. |
| Temperamental: | plastered and nuts. |
| Tempered: | on the wagon. |
| Tempest: | 1. a brief annoyance 2. a computer bug 3. short but sweet. |
| Tempestuous (adj): | that temp whom you've kissed pestering you for that rise (and a fur coat, diamonds and a gold band....) |
| Temporal: | a quick kiss. |
| Temporary: | somewhere it's a long way to, but it won't be when the roadworks are finished. |
| Temptation: | you want fries with that? |
| Tempting: | ringing a bell to 'come and get it'. |
| Temptress (n): | 1. a female secretary who wears her hair in an almost irresistable fashion. 2. a wig. 3. a love-'em-and-leave-'em kinda gal. 4a long locked hairpiece, esp. one worn by a temp. |
| Terrier: | more loopy. |
| Testament: | DNA sequencing to determine whether an organism is a tall, tree-like biped. |
| Testicle (n): | A short, multiple-choice examination where the candidate has to choose the correct answer from the set [0,1,2,7,19] |
| Testimony (n): | 1. evidence, esp. that given in a court case involving allegations of counterfeit currency. 2. sound made by a male suffering from pain in the genitalia. 3. statements made in an irate whining voice. 4. the method for determining the counterfeicy of currency. |
| Teuton: | unit of measurement to define the United States' annual per capita consumption of gum. |
| Texas: | nerd's rear end. |
| Thang: | object for the fuller figure. |
| Theodore: | 1. a caped crusader. 2.member of the Spanish Inquisition armed with a sword. |
| Theordure: | bullshit. |
| Theory of Relativity (thingy): | The belief that a family is a circle of vultures ... erm, love. Yeah, that's it... Love. |
| Thor: | the Scandinavian god of acheth and painth. |
| Tic Tac Dough: | the stuff from which they make the Tic Tacs. |
| Tinker: | 1. an unobtrusive fairy. 2. a metal dog. 3. Irish philosopher. |
| Titration (n): | The amount of milk that a baby may consume at one visit. |
| Toilet: | dinky car rental. |
| Tombescence (n): | the state of being ready for nothing. |
| Tongue: | member of Chinese Mafia. |
| Topeka: | What happens when a Southern exotic dancer removes her blouse. |
| Topposting (adj): | teletubby getting a rather nasty insect bite on the aerial. |
| Tornado: | fuss about a rip in one's clothes. |
| Toxoplasma: | a very poor LCD monitor. |
| Traitor: | Arr, 'e's no spud! |
| Transam (n): | afternoon. |
| Transfer (v): | get the spell wrong and change everything into iron. |
| Transfix (v): | gender-changing surgery. |
| Transister: | brother. |
| Transistors: | formerly brothers. |
| Translate: | failing to arrive at the gender-changing surgery on time. |
| Transplant: | marijuana. |
| Transponder: | tuby or not tuby? |
| Transport (erm): | cross dressing football match. |
| Transuranic (adj): | Neptune and Pluto. |
| Trochee (n): | croquet played by giants, using trees and MacDonalds' signs. |
| Troll (n): | a variety of crumpet. |
| Tudor Life: | a Whitehall farce. |
| Turd (adj): | the ordinal between second and fourth, in Ireland. |
| Tyrant: | exercising a small insect to the point of exhaustion. |
U |
| Unbearable: | Barren. |
| Unclean: | 1. tending to submit under duress. 2. huge effort made by the sibling of a parent. |
| Unclogged: | the appearance of the saboteur. |
| Underwear (loc. adv.): | beneath what? |
| Undeterred (n): | nether skid mark |
| Ungrimmatical: | lousy English, innit. |
| Uniquality: | one caliber of performance fits all. |
| Universal Quantifier: | St. Peter. |
| Universe (n): | A short poem. |
| University (n): | Like, loads of short poems in one place, man. |
| Us: | Multiple Personality Order (see 'Is'). |
| User-friendliness: | The art of taking a perfectly good computer program, and dumbing it down enough for any brainless idiot to use. |
| 'Ut (n): | Cockney garden shed. |
V |
| Vaganza: | N. American TV western in which women played all the roles (See: Extravaganza). |
| Valiant (n): | an insect that lives down by the river. |
| Vasectomy: | removal of ones flower-holders (rather than ones flower removers). |
| Vegetarian: | tall, blonde, sharp as a potato. |
| Velocity: | Cowes. |
| Verb (v.t.): | [Ch. US] To turn a noun or adjective into a verb - eg. access, dialog(ue) ("The Yanks are always verbing their words, it really weirds our language."). |
| Vercingetorix: | a man who had the Gaul to oppose the Roman Empire. |
| Verisimilitude: | quite like the letter D |
| Versions (np): | positive and negative pieces of poetry. |
| Vestment (n): | the intention to have worn a vest; the expression of such an intention. |
| Via Appia: | Transylvanian expression of increased contentment. |
| Viable Organ: | suitable entrant for a church music contest. |
| Viagra: | a drug which works on the hard valve. |
| Vibration (n): | the maximum frequency of a hand-held vibrator. |
| Vicarage (thingy): | 1. here the chaplain keeps his automobile 2. a fiery sermon by the local parson 3. The Picture of Dorian Gray 4. where the hell is my vapour rub!?! |
| Vice versa (n): | a poet of tools. |
| Vindication: | act of hailing the wine waiter. |
| Vindscreen: | strangulated cry issuing from a tornado. |
| Viper: | it vipes the vindscreen. |
| Viscious: | nasty but dense. |
| Vodka: | Motoring Which (Russian edition). |
W |
| Waitrose (thingummy): | a slow-growing shrub or flower. |
| Waitrose (wotsit): | 1. what my doctor didn't like to see when he put me on the scales 2. sign that a diet should be started. |
| Wallace (n): | skilled bricklayer. |
| Wallase (v): | to behave in a trolling manner in newsgroups. |
| Wanton Capitalisation: | soup in BEIJING |
| Wanton: | 2240 imperial pounds. |
| Washington: | what happens after the machine has been broken for a month. |
| Watched: | had the TV on while doing something else. |
| Website (n): | The lady who had a spider inside her inside. |
| Weekend (n): | what a man experiences when he has been out drinking all Friday and Saturday night. |
| Well-Modeled (adj): | fashioned after a deep pit. |
| Westhamination: | what Arsenal have done on a regular basis throughout history. |
| Whippet: | cat-o-one-tail. |
| Whiskey: | device used to unlock whisks. |
| Whisky: | feeling elated, cf: 'I'm feeling a bit whisky today.' |
| Whored (n): | materialistic possessions. |
| Wight-Out: | 1. For the removal of unwanted spirits. 2. For the removal of unwanted islands in the British Isles. |
| Willett: | condensed version of a last will and testament. |
| William: | statement of being "of sound mind" etc in a last will and testament. |
| Windlass: | a young lady who CENSORED |
| Window: | an injury sustained during a hurricane. |
| With: | gap-toothed humorist. |
| Womaniser (n): | Virus which destroys X-chromosomes. |
| Wyoming: | what your girlfriend asks when you unexpectedly announce a trip to see your parents. |
X |
| X-men: | the boys in the band. |
| Xenonphobia: | the fear of a noble gas; see Neonphobia. |
| Xenophobia (n): | fear of Greek philosophers. |
| Xeonphobia: | a fear and hatred of Intel processors. |
| Xeroxphobia: | a fear of photocopiers. |
| Xor: | retired prostitute. |
| Xylophobia: | a fear of wooden percussion instruments. |
Y |
| Yeastrochemistry: | the science of *Marmite(tm)*. |
| Yugoslavia (n): | 1. a country you'll drool over! 2. the rampant desire for low-priced vehicular transport. |
Z |
| Zaire (n): | a country shaped like a Spaniard's hearing organ. |
| Zambia: | famous American Uncle's favo(u)rite tipple. |
| Zenophobia: | fear of Buddhism. |
| Zero sum: | Clear the accumulator. |
| Zettabytes: | The reason you should never ask Zetta for a blowjob. |
| Zits (n): | Unsightly its. |
| Zulu (n): | animal's bathroom. |
| Zymurgy: | The science of walking frames. |
