G |
| GENERATION: | the biodiversity bubble bursts, by and by. |
| Galley (adj.;colloquial): | of or pertaining to woman in her proper environment. |
| Galley (adj; colloquial): | of or pertaining to woman in her proper environment. |
| Gaol-bird: | dyslexic female football supporter. |
| Gargoyle (n): | an oleaginous mouthwash. |
| Gate Array: | university gatekeeper's responsibility. |
| Gaul: | where Scottish Highlanders try to kick their footballs. |
| Gay (adj): | unhappy in marriage. |
| Gelatin (n): | a thick, cloying language used in some kitchen appliance instruction manuals. |
| Genitive Case: | 1. protective garment worn by cricketers, esp batsmen 2. "No! That's MY cabinet!". |
| Geranium: | the cry of the parachute regiment's flower arranging display team. |
| Germaniums: | the relevant flower. |
| Gestate: | an expression of satisfied fullness. |
| Glossary: | display area for brilliant paintings. |
| Good Life: | insurance policy for upper-class twits. |
| Grade: | 1. (excl.) exprssion of anger or frustration at inconsistant academic achievement 2. (v.t.&i.) To express such anger or frustration. [My mother graded my report scornfully; "I know you are capable of much better work," graded the teacher.] |
| Grat (adj): | contraction of "great,fat", as in "Taft was a grat president." |
| Gravelometry (n): | the science of producing perfect grits. |
| Great Dane (v): | (received pron.) to pare with a kitchen utensil. |
| Greek: | exclamation expressing both anger and fear. |
| Greymags: | Imported facsimiles. |
| Grimace: | a frowning playing-card. |
| Groundless: | decoffinated. |
H |
| Habitually (adv): | whilst wearing clothing or vestments. |
| Habitually (adv): | whilst wearing clothing or vestments. |
| Haroldry: | the study of people named Harold. |
| Hazard: | an old man's wish. |
| Head Master: | character with considerable competence in creating cranial copies. |
| Head: | crap repository. |
| Headlights: | 1. visible representation of good ideas 2. shipboard pan-hitting aids 3. Cut-price, prematurely-terminated oral 'administrations' in Amsterdam. |
| Hebrew: | 1. a Jewish tea bag 2. exceedingly strong tea. |
| Hegel: | young lady made while the sun shines. |
| Heindl: | 1. an upper class doorknob. 2. the end a South African picks up a saucepen. |
| Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle: | You never know what you're going to see in Apihna. |
| Hence (n pl): | female chickence. |
| Heroes: | what a guy in a boat does. |
| Herring: | piece of jewellery (or jewelry) adorning a labial piercing (not to be confused with hering). |
| Heterosexual: | committing adultery. |
| Hindsite: | the a website for anal fetishists. |
| Hinterleckshules: | leckshules who live in the economic catchment area of a large city. |
| Hip Replacement: | finding a groovier 85-year-old date than the one you had last week. |
| Hippies (n.pl.): | cool pastries, man! |
| Hippocracy: | government by a horse. |
| Hippopotamocracy (n): | a form of government in which the supreme power is exercised by a large, chiefly aquatic mammal. |
| Hirsute: | hat ecallaW kraM would never dream of wearing. |
| Hobbit: | item of collectors' paraphernalia. |
| Hockey: | a Rhine-stoned cowboy. |
| Hogwort (n): | a small wildflower growing on the back of a pig. |
| Holistic (n): | 1. Festive Christmas decoration. 2. The Pope's cane. |
| Homophone (n): | an electrical device for communicating with others of the same sex. |
| Homosexual: | faithful to one's spouse. |
| Hoodwink: | the time it takes Bruce Wayne to change into his Batman costume. |
| Hooh! Aah! (n): | onomatopoeic sound of men working on a chain gang. |
| Hoosier Round: | a bullet from Doctor Jones's gun. |
| Horiscope (n): | see endoscope. |
| Horology: | wanna spend some time? |
| Horrible (n): | a gas-filled, flying prostitute. |
| Horrid (adj): | relating to the darker side of the vice squad. |
| Hotel (n.pr.): | devil. |
| Haitus: | Japanese poems written by someone with a cold. |
| Humdinger: | a Pavlovian bee. |
| Humphrey Bogart: | graffito found in a deodorised toilet stall. |
| Hyp-hen (n): | One mother of a groovy chick. |
| Hypocracy (wotsit): | 1. not saying what one means, due to imbibing too much mulled wine 2. (n) government by underachievers. |
| Hypoprosexia: | inability to focus brought on by lack of professionally-provided intercourse. |
I |
| I rock (n): | country right next to I ran |
| Iambic Pentameter: | the measure of stress felt when one has to shave. |
| Icon (n): | used when the speaker regularly deceives people |
| Idaho: | 1. How street-wise ducks greet each other. 2. How ruffians answer the question, "what did you do last night?". 3. Common answer to the question, "How did you get your gardening done so quickly?" 4. Comment by Happy, when Snow White tries to sort out the seven dwarfs' harmonies. 5. response to the question "Should I have been singing 'Hi' on the downbeat, Grumpy? What did you have there?" 6. Spud for hire. 7. one of the USA states. 8. I don't think I even need to write the meaning of this one. |
| Idiomatic: | 1. so simple, anybody can use it 2. kind of chopping device sold on TV. |
| Idiosyncratic (adj): | pertaining to government by a group of simpletons: the British political system. |
| Ig (n): | an Eskimo house without a bathroom. |
| Ignite (n): | what the lack of electricity in the non-existent bathroom leads to. |
| Ignoble (n): | A royal Eskimo whose house has no bathroom. |
| Iller: | one who is illin' |
| Illinois (n): | a state of distress brought about by too much loud music. |
| Illiterate: | tending to become sick over and over again. |
| Imagination: | photography. |
| Imaging: | I'm not as young as I was. |
| Impededstrians: | devilishly tight boxes down under. |
| Imperious (adj): | describing a small devil with royal blood. |
| Implicit (adj): | relating to the unspoken and unwritten rules concerning the behaviour of small devils. |
| Implode (v): | what will happen to this thread when we have exhausted the rich vein of new words all based on the behaviour of small devils. |
| Implore (v): | to beg someone to read another story concerning the antics of small devils. |
| Impolite (a,n): | 1. A rude devil. 2. A possessed parrot. |
| Impregnable: | See Inconcievable. |
| Imprison: | the little devil prophet has returned from the grave! |
| Improper (noun): | 1. a small devil who works on a ranch. 2. someone who catches a small devil. |
| Impropriety (place): | an establishment run by a small devil. |
| Impugnity: | boxing ban. |
| Impunity: | 1. a sense of mischevious group-mind. 2. standing shoulder-to-shoulder to slag off the enemy. 3. small devil's togetherness. 4.feathers of a bird flock together. 5. a cockney religious song celebrating a weak non-alcoholic beverage. |
| In-Laws: | prison protocols. |
| In-sur-Gent: | the small village of In, founded on the body of a renowned gentleman. |
| In: | small hotel. |
| Incandescent: | the not-so-heavenly smell that fills the room after you've been in the can. |
| Incarnate: | 1. Vegetarian. 2. (v) stopped at the McDonald's drive-thru. 3. (n)a child born in the middle of a traffic jam. |
| Incisors: | people who measure hotels. |
| Inclusive Or: | 1. an alloy. 2. Platinum |
| Incognito: | wotzit or doodah (US: doodad) that is used to tidy up a gearwheel from the inside out. |
| Inconcievable: | See Inscrutable. |
| Incontinent (adj): | 1. ¬@C (Not at sea) 2. not overseas. |
| Inconvenience (n): | 1. a locked public lavatory. 2. (n)a lavatory at a tavern. 3. (v)to separate. |
| Incorrect: | properly placed. |
| Incredible (a): | describing colourless writing fluid that can be rose-tinted if preferred. |
| Incubus (n): | a young man who gets his sexual thrills from writing graffiti on public transport. |
| Indefatigable: | 1. resistant to liposuction. 2. inability to slim. |
| Indicative Mood: | the state of being displeased to the point of giving the finger. |
| Industry: | King Charles II's address. |
| Ineffable (adj): | describes any four-letter word which cannot be used as a swearword. |
| Infer: | 1. What one does to small devils resting on couches or beds. 2. to deduce what crime a fellow-inmate has committed. 3. What the funeral director asks when he wants to know how you would like to spend all eternity. 4. describing a woman (or, less frequently, a man) wearing a mink coat. |
| Inferno: | 1. a rare answer to the question a funeral director asks when he wants to know how you would like to spend all eternity. 2. What you do when someone implies a negative. |
| Infidelity: | what you might drink anywhere else. |
| Information Minister: | minister who stays perfectly in line, even though the line is somewhere else entirely. |
| Innit: | a small insect that infests cheap hotels. |
| Innuendo (n): | an Italian suppository. |
| Innuit: | pub bore. |
| Innumerable: | describing a pub you'd hesitate to drink in. |
| Inscrutable: | See Irreproducible. |
| Insects: | the currently most popular religious groups. |
| Insmect(v): | the act of substituting one consonant for another. |
| Inspissate (v): | to show one's dislike for a patron by urinating in his food or drink. |
| Insubordination (n): | 1. The country of Australia during the 19th century, when we had deportation. 2. Ceremony for creating a submerged priest. |
| Insurgent: | 1. to knight 2. Insurance company exclusively for men.. |
| Intellectual: | not an Athlon. |
| Intention: | stiffly erect position in Yoga. |
| Interest: | where one goes after a strenuous outdoor activity. |
| Internet Service Provider: | ball-boy (tennis). |
| Intonation (n): | the manner in which one speaks when going through Immigration Control |
| Intoxicant (n): | 1. a substance which, when ingested, destroys the ability to work out simple arithmetic. 2. a substance which when ingested, half-stops a clock. 3. a substance which, when ingested, causes the ingestee's speech to becoming whiny or jargonic. |
| Intuition: | learning. |
| Inverse Square Law: | Those who still say 'hep' and 'with it' get less kewl proportional to their ages. |
| Inverse: | the opposite of prose. |
| Invertebrate: | a holiday resort in bony Scotland. |
| Investigator (n): | a spud-shaped financial con-man with that crocodilian smile. |
| Ironic (n): | spending a full hour pressing an outfit that you eventually decide not to wear. |
| Irreproducible: | See Unbearable. |
| Is: | Multiple Personality Disorder. |
| Issobar (excl.): | Michael Fish's claim when he was stopped by the police. |
J |
| Jacobean: | the Irish discoverer of coffee. |
| Japanese Spitz: | oriental kebabs |
| Jigsaw Puzzle: | Riverdance: The Show. |
| Jonathon (n): | a fund-raising activity in which people pledge money to watch celebrities spend long periods on the loo. Also spelled "john-a-thon". |
| Jubilee Lion: | one of the more feral of HM's corgies. |
| Jurisdiction (n): | the crime of talking in court when you should really be listening to the defence lawyer. |
K |
Kaesekuchenausrott-
ungengesellschaft: | cheesecake extermination society. |
| Kansas: | 1. what the sheriff does after he makes an arrest 2. when you dismiss your donkey from service. |
| Kayak: | Tibetan Ford |
| Kentucky: | a plane carrying gloop explodes over Southeast England. |
| Kindred: | 1. a nagging fear that one's relatives are about to visit 2. a good-hearted Communist. |
| Knight: | blatant elevation of the dictionary's consonant quotient. |
| Kudos (n): | an operating system for computers running at 10.7 to 12.75 GHz. |
L |
| Laconic (adj): | descriptive of Californian fraudsters. |
| Laconicus: | Latin for "sauna". |
| Laird: | ugly upper class Celt. |
| Large: | same term as used with toothpaste packages, meaning "quite small". |
| Latest: | 1. the newest method of grading a person's ability to speak French 2.(oozit) approximation to upper body muscle. |
| Latvia (n): | 1. A country through which all roads to Rome passed. 2. An intermediate language step between the speech of Ug the Neanderthal and modern English. |
| Leckshules: | South Africans without synagogues. |
| Left Bank: | what the robber did when his bag was full of loot. |
| Leonberger: | fat-free junk food. |
| Lesbottomies: | La Petomane's backing band. |
| Letching: | visiting Letchworth. |
| Letter: | standard response by mothers to father's refusal to allow teenage daughter to attend a dance. (Letter go: she's only young once!) |
| Letters: | 1. pray 2. bounders 3. whingeing demand, as in "Our mam, letters bunk off skule today.". |
| Lexicographer: | Superman's nemesis and I give pain to the woman's knuckles with a small mechanical device. |
| Lieu (n): | where one does one's business, when the W.C. is unavailable. |
| Life insurance policy: | guarantee of a place in prison. |
| Liking: | inserting dogs into orbital capsules. |
| Liminade: | help getting a flier back out from under one's door. |
| Line: | bedding for people with gout. |
| Liposuction: | fellatio. |
| Liver (n): | viable organ. |
| Lobotomy: | a Frenchman's preferred genital penetration location. |
| Lobster: | slow bowler (cricket). |
| Logarithm (v): | record your drum strokes for posterity. |
| Logic (adj): | of Masonic props. |
| Logistics (n): | fleas found in a Masonic Hall. |
| Loiter (n): | an essential accessory for smokers from Birmingham. |
| Lomarmite(n): | an inferior yeast extract. |
| Loque: | the opposite of a quay. |
| Lugubrious: | 1. many legs. 2. someone addicted to jigsaws. 3. someone with larger than average ears. |
M |
| Mahogany: | the lifetime commitment to a single wood. |
| Mail-Order Company: | a bureaucratic chain gang. |
| Mail-order Company: | a bureaucratic chain gang. |
| Malady: | the proverbial cat's mother. |
| Malcontents: | famous actor Mr McDowell's investigative programme into camping equipment. |
| Malign: | to write home. |
| Manager (n): | CEO Father Time. |
| Manger: | 1. (v) to give an unmentionable disease to a much-loved sheep. 2. (n): person who gives an unmentionable disease to a much-loved sheep. |
| Manometer (n): | warning device used by feminists |
| Married Life: | insurance policy which supercedes Shelf Life policy on taking the vow. |
| Marsupial (adj): | full of goodness and other bits. |
| Massachewsits: | the home of bubble gum. |
| Massachooseits: | right-thinking teachers eschew it's as a possessive. |
| Master: | tar. |
| Mastiff: | very bulky erection. |
| Mastitis: | film title (released in the US as: "Dances with Pigs"). |
| Masturbator (n): | the man in charge at the bull-baiting. |
| Matelote: | sailor's dinner. |
| Maximum: | profound silence. |
| McCaffreys: | chips served at a Scottish roadside diner. |
| Mendicant (n): | an insect that repairs computer networks. |
| Metaphor: | 1. Five. 2. made the acquaintence of a person whose physical attractiveness was below the median on the one-to-ten scale. 3. Large contusion caused by walking across a golf fairway. 4. The front legs of a bulldog. |
| Metempsychosis (n): | a mental condition who's sufferers experience deja vu whenever introduced to someone. |
| Mho (proper noun): | one of the three Shtooges. See also: Churly, Lharry. |
| Milkshake: | cow on a vibrating toning table. |
| Minbari: | "Don't take drinks out of the in-room refreshment centre." |
| Mince (n): | the smallest amount of it (Fr). |
| Minimal: | just sick enough to take the day off and watch TV. |
| Minit: | small insect to be found on my head until I got rid of it. |
| Minty: | a small refreshing brew made from dried leaves and boiling water. |
| Misanthropism: | a female werewolf. |
| Misery: | a pub where no-one buys his own drinks. |
| Missouri: | an unhappy state. |
| Misspell: | a skinny young woman; a (nude) model. |
| Mistress (n): | a bald concubine. |
| Misty: | how golfers create divots. |
| Modem: | 'swat gardeners do to lawns, innit. |
| Moderated: | act of a Rocker selling his Harley, buying a scooter and getting a haircut. |
| Modicum: | a male who can't keep it up very long. |
| Mogul: | a Dutch mountain. |
| Monk: | small ape in captivity. |
| Monsoon (phr., chiefly West Indies): | "The rain will stop eventually." |
| Montana: | what Anne's boyfriend does every now and again. |
| Morassic Park: | where the few remaining large bottomed lived. |
| Motorola: | an increasing amount of people the street who like to start arguments on newsgroups. |
| Motorway: | an automated technique |
| Mourning: | the period that comes after the the dead of night before. |
| Muckspreading (v): | the process of making a Marmite(tm) and grits sandwich. |
| Mule: | a sorrowful ass. |
| Munchausens by Proxy: | restaurants on the Web. |
| Muppet: | 1. small animal kept as a companion by a mup 2. What Yorkshire folk do to spillages. |
| Mutator: | a spud that can alter its wavelength genetically. |
| Mux: | a circuit that messes everything up. |
| Mystic (n): | 1. not YOUR dowsing-rod. 2. a video-game rendering chip. 3. to mark one's ballot for the wrong candidate by accident. 4. everyone's favourite teacher. 5. The Queen of the annual Lyme Disease Festival. 6. to glue the wrong gerbil to the wall. 7. that special female twitch. 8. a repellent kind of fog. 9. possessive it's. |
